Beat Cancer

Off to the Hospital . Bye for now.

Icing On The Cake (one day)

Tues. Oct.27/09 The Quote of The day is:“Death ends a life, not a relationship.” by Robert Benchley
The Song Of The Day Is “Cowgirl in The Sand” By Niel Young as performed on “4 Way Street” I have to admit that dying does bother me , but not to the degree that one might think. The “letting go“, although complex and difficult is not as daunting as having to tolerate the physical pain and deterioration. Maybe this sounds trite but it is honest. After more than 2 years of dealing with physical discomfort and the uncertainty as to how long this worldly existence is going to last on a daily basis I get worn down. Every day the decision has to be made whether to keep on living or to die. I am glad that God (whomever She /He may be) has instilled in each one of us an incredible survival instinct that kicks in when life is slipping away or I would have packed it in long ago. I am try my damdest not to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for myself and can usually succeed. After the emotional and physical drawbacks that come with dying the lingering most painful aspect is the loss of independence as I can no longer work. Looking after oneself at this stage with cancer is a full time job on it’s own. When I can no longer look after myself and existing becomes too degrading I do believe that is when I will pack it in. While most people get on by living for tomorrow I am left here alone trying to savour the day. I only have a few good hours some days. I do not believe that I should spend my last days watching people do their chores and I don’t think that people should expect me to do so at this stage. When we are honest with ourselves I believe that we usually look at our relationships with each other in the light as to how the relationship with the other person is going to benefit ourselves. Whether it be spiritually , monetarily or just to provide solace and comfort. We occasionally cross that line , become unselfish and give without expecting to get anything back. This is what I keep striving for but with the limited time that I have left sometimes I can not help but want to live for myself. Hopefully others , and myself , will come to the realization that when we do sacrifice we also gain. We gain a sense of confidence, well being and freedom when we give of ourselves. The fact that someone else recognizes the gesture is only icing on the cake.

2 Days

Sun. Oct. 25/ 09 I should have known , it seems that the more that I push my body the more the cancer pushes back. Just keep stroking I guess , “somethings gotta give” one way or the other. The sky briefly turned fire red in a thin strip left by the opening clouds above the mountains , across the strait as the sun was rising from behind the mountains to the east. No painting could match the subtle beauty. The Song Of The Day Is: "Refugee" performed by Melissa Etheridge
Mon. Oct 26/09 Minute by minute , hour by hour , day by day , the pain continues on and my attitude towards life or should I say death changes constantly. I have noticed that the living have little time for the dying. Maybe that is the way it is supposed to be as others will be there soon enough . You would think that people would be a bit curious about the process . It sure makes it lonely for the person dying. I can recall that I was not to keen about sharing my time with people while they were passing. Selfish but true. I am trying not to feel guilty for being self absorbed , but for some reason I do. Just what I need more confusion at this stage. One would think that when a person knows that someone is going to die soon that it would be their time for awhile. I have found out that is not so . Maybe that’s just the way things are. One thing that I have learned from experience is that if one wants some attention one has to give it first . I just do not have the energy , nor the time and have already given pretty well all that I can. I am living with a different state of mind now than I was when I was healthy and had life to look forward to. The material things that people live for and are so attached to matter little to me now. I enjoy someone I care about being happy no matter if what they care about is important to me or not . I only hope that these things truly make them happy and they are not just confused and searching aimlessly. Everyone lives with an underlying uncertainty . Questioning themselves , “is the direction that I am taking in life the right one for me?“. We feel comfortable when we follow , nervous while we lead , exhilarated when we have lead and receive accolades. The Song Of The Day Is : “Going To California” by Led Zepplin

Dam The Torpedoes

Sat. Oct . 24/09 Dam the torpedoes and forget about the DR.s for awhile. I am going to get out and get moving. If I overdo it and suffer for it or fall down at least I have gotten out, watched the sunrise and smelt the sea air. I am a statistical anomaly now. My extensive stage small cell lung cancer was diagnosed in an advanced stage. A year ago without therapy I was given only weeks to live and only a few months with therapy. I am getting angry with this disease and am in uncharted territory as far as modern medicine is concerned. My cancer is a powerfull advesary and my body seems to tease me with bit of relief at times then thrusts the knife back in so to speak. There are too few tomorrows so if I have to pay dearly for lving today so be it. I am going to love as much as I can, speak my mind when I have something positive that should be said, bask and venerate in the sight of the beautifull women and push my body as far as it can go. I do not want to be selfish but I think that I can wrestle a few more good days from this thing that we call living.I still have dreams , sweet fantasies and questions about this life that I want to find answers for before I die. So I am just going to refuse to die quite yet. Excuse me while I kiss the sky. Bye for now. The Song Of The Day Is “Crazy Love” Performed By Aron Neville This song brings back memories of the generous sharing that some women have bestowed upon me. The Quote of The Day Is. “ Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today “ By James Dean

Looking For The Happy Spot

Fri. Oct.23/09 Well I had a good day physically yesterday and I knew that it would come to an end soon. I have learned not to expect these fleeting moments of relative well being to last. Last night the night sweats and the discomfort after resting yesterday returned like an unwelcome shadow . The pain is always there and I have learned to accept and endure. As I mentioned earlier I find my body reacting in all sorts of differt ways to the pain and discomfort caused by the tumours. I noticed in the mirror that I have an unintentional scowl on my face and at night I wake up in twisted and unnaturall positions. My theory is that the unintentional scowl is a reaction to pain and discomfort caused by the cancer and my nightly contortions is my body foolishly trying to twist and writhe in an attempt to get away from the tumours. I know that my body can react to mental stimulus . I learned this from situations where pain and discomfort were being inflicted upon me by other people. I would tell myself that the pain was a minor nuisance and I would fool myself in a form of self hypnosis to look forward to uncomfortable situations ,to the dismay to those inflicting them upon me. When I find myself scowling I try to smile. When a specific pain starts to become unbearable (there are so many different pains)I concentrate on that pain and try change the way that it feels. Sometimes I manage transform the pain into a acceptable sensation . I can not get away from the pain and discomfort so I try to manipulate it and have at times become successful. If I paste a smile on my face, approach everyone that I meet in a positive cheery way and manipulate the pain , I find that my level of discomfort and pain subsides. The discomfort becomes an irritant , the pain becomes an ache and the depression lessens (the razor blades stay in the drawer so to speak). This practice of lying to myself presents a bit of a conundrum. I am trying to be totally honest and realistic with myself and as much as possible with others. I guess I can justify lying to myself as a form of therapy, I can justify lying to others (lying by ommission) because I can see no reason that people that I care about should suffer in anyway alongside of me . That is also the reason that I spend my time alone when things become unbearable . I don’t want to see anyone else adversely affected by my situation . The aloneness becomes heavy but these are the cards that I have been dealt. A Dr. has said that anymore chemo or radiation would not benefit me yet I have an appt. at the cancer clinic next Wed. . If they are not going to do anything I wonder why the need to see me. Some DR.s and health care practitioners I have grown quite fond of but others I think should have chosen a profession where they do not have to deal with people. For the last while the oncologists have just been spectators to my slowly (knock on wood) dying. When I seen one DR when I was coughing up lots of blood , and I did appreciate his honesty, I suggested that if the condition persisted and worsened that I would go to the hospital , he indicated that I could if I wanted to but it would not make any difference. I could drown on my own blood here at home or in the hospital , the only difference would be is where I would leave the mess. So I am going to contunuie on with my denial , mental positive therapy and concotions . I am still here ! ,statistically and according to the DR.s I should have been dead and gone quite awhile ago. The wind is whipping up the water outside as I can see the whitecaps far out in the strait from my window. I am going to listen to Phoebe Snow sing “Every Night” and go to my happy spot for a bit. The air becomes so fresh when the wind picks up . I swear that I can taste it and am gratefull for that. I have been writing some poetry and have posted it at slowdeath2 . It is bad but it is mine. I still miss women. I am not computer savvy and apparently the g-mail address posted in my profile was incorrect but is fixed now . Sometimes I wonder if anyone come across this actually reads this . I guess that it doesn’t matter if anyone does or does not read this ,at least I know that it is there and that I have left a few thoughts about this experience behind. The Songs OF The Day Are: “The Weight” by the Band and “Every Night” performed by Phoebe Snow Bye For Now

A Delicious Day

Mon. Oct.19/09 I am hanging on to live for to long for the people around me .I can feel them tiring. I imagine that their sub conscious is saying “when is this guy going to finally die”. I keep getting close but I just don’t feel like dying at that time and my body seems to respond and gives me a bit of a reprieve. I understand that my presence makes them uncomfortable (only an idiot wouldn’t know that this is not a pleasant set of circumstances) .I should not feel guilty because I am going to die , but sometimes I do, that is probably normal but weird just the same. I have worked different industries and have spent parts of my life in interesting ,dangerous , sometimes bizarre situations. I have had numerous near death experiences when I was healthy. That is probably why I don’t outwardly seem tramatized and am not physically deteriorating as much as one would think I should. The DR’s said that I was supposed to die by the end of last April .09 .I am still not quite ready . The big guy/girl willing. Thurs. Oct. 22 /09 The Song of the Day Is : “Romeo and Juliet “ performed by Dire Straits The Quote of the Day Is: “To die will be an awfully big adventure “ by J.M. Barrie After a few horrific days I seem to be getting my sense of self and sense of humor back for awhile.I know that iy wont last for long. For now I just want to enjoy this feeling of self being and dream about happy times and delicious women.

#BEATCANCER

#BEATCANCER

4 Days

Sun. Oct. 18/09 The Song Of The Day Is: “All I Want” By Joni Mitchell This song brings back memories of extended travels across Canada . The people , the places and the memories of basking in Canada’s geography . The Quote of The Day Is: “Death - the last sleep? No, it is the final awakening” by Walter Scott 0700 Today just feels empty. I have been here before and hope that I can pull out of this lethargic state. Finding energy is always a problem. I am not in too much discomfort today so it is unfortunate that I am not in a better state of mind. It is difficult to pull myself out of the doldrums when I know that I am close to being dead. I think my reluctance to take pain medication has paid off. I am always in pain ,a lot of the times severe. I have been tolerating constant pain for over a year now and it is becoming just another sensation. I hope pain is going to give up on me soon . I keep trying to ignore him , you would think that he could take a hint. Unfortunately the acceptance of the misery can adversely affect my attitude and mood .But I do work on that also. Gotta get into the positive. This down state of mind has to end. All body parts are working so I should be grateful for that at least. Love

Empty Rooms

Where do you go when every room is empty / and every space seems full / the far side where there are no living / why is there so much chatter here / where everyone is undressed / and complications slide into obscurity /it grabs your crotch and make you scream /in between desperation and pleasure /take it down and show yourself / in a satirists pen moulding the papers journey /c’mon lets gain some momentum here /and do not fear that fear has lost it’s sting . Azab

5 Days

Sat. Oct. 17/09 The Song Of The Day Is: “All Over” by Phoebe Snow a woman’s voice is comforting today The Quote Of The Day Is. “Today’s sorrow is just an introduction to tomorrows happiness.” by Azab 0245 It is strange but the aromas that I spoke of yesterday are becoming more prevalent. The mingling of a floral scent and the fragrance of an aroused woman teasingly wafts around me. The sweet/musky perfume is distinct and definitely there . I have looked around and cannot find any possible source of the perfume. It is appealing and arousing though. 0300 I am in to much pain to sleep. I went outside and found the night quite pleasant. The wind has died down , the ocean is calm , there is a fog in the air and it is warm enough to be comfortable in just a sweater. Bears and cougars are out on the prowl at night so I get a bit nervous as either could be right beside me and I wouldn’t notice them unless they wanted to be noticed . 1000 Today is a day that I am just plain tired of sitting on this time bomb of a body. I am lucid and capable today but am stuck in a bad state. After all the suffering that I have endured the last couple of years and now that my cancer is taking it’s final course I believe that I have a right to be despondent once in awhile. I am worth more dead than alive to the few people that I do know. I can understand that being around someone that is terminally ill is not pleasant. I do try to make my company as easy to bear as possible. I am not dead yet and could probably squeeze some living out of time that I have left , maybe , maybe not , I would like to have the choice though , but I guess that is not to be. Bye / sometimes there is no comfort in the quiet / lost somnambulist’s souls could be wandering / adrift in laughable melancholy / slipping loudly through the silence / the familiar hush that you held so dear / peace tortures you before the stars infinite embrace /clinging lavishly to leading footfalls /many trails where many fail / yet others burst through the falter / smiling comfortably in fears embrace / the refuge of trinkets holds no sway here / but lets you down into the quiet / sometimes there is no comfort in the quiet . Azab

Heaven and Hell

heaven and hell root around in the damdest places / antagonistic lovers entangled within each other / spinning irresistible yarns / implied revelations wander colourfuly in their indescresions / waking into memories stray kisses / stealing times heady promises / are they looking for lifes accolades and acceptance ? /or hiding in humiliations absorbing gait. Azab

Patience 7 Days

I used up all my patience / discarded on the long solitary walk / long cold driveways do not lead me to a warm hearth /I do not touch the railway tracks that run through the hard side of town /they do run through my heart though / I can afford to dress poorly there / basking in the freedom of anonymity /darling ,the piper never pays his debts /or apologises for his indiscretions /but continues /enduring / feasting on haggard souls / can I warm your orphaned soul /I will use my time for you / before I continue on. Azab

7 Days

The Song of the Day is : “I’m So Exited “ By the Pointer Sisters ( probably cause the song brings back fond memories) The Quote of The Day Is : “Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you are alive, it isn’t.” By Richard Bach. Yesterday the teeth of the big black dog (depression) bit deep. I am amazed at how deep of hole I can fall into and at how difficult it can be to crawl out. The razor blades are still in the drawer though. I could not get out of bed for any length of time yesterday . I was not experiencing much pain or discomfort (5/10) yesterday. I am amazed at how much of a role state of mind affects my physical well being at this weakened state. I purposely let the depression sink in just to see how low I could go and was/am astonished at how physically debilitating the effects of depression can be. I let it sink in so deep that just moving parts of my body seemed like a monumental task. If I die today or a bit later I wonder if I am really going to miss much. I work my ass off to gain a feeling of well being , then when I accomplish that state were I am able to do something other than going for a walk , writing and reading there really is not much available for me. So I will be grateful that there is food in the fridge and a roof over my head and that all parts of my body work regardless of the fatigue, shortness of breath and pain. Being alone has the advantage of being able to mentally and spiritually explore deeply and intimately what is happening here at the edge of the end of my physical existence. The aloneness can also be terrifying when pain becomes debilitating and/or when I know that I am at deaths door and it is up to me to decide which way to go. If anyone wonders what it feels like be dying and what I think that it will feel like to die when I finally let go. I can tell you that the experience is not much different than what one feels when someone that you love with your whole heart and soul passes away , just add physical pain and discomfort. I am not saying that I am love with myself only that the feeling of loss is similar. Just because I have accepted death does not mean that I have stopped living and I think that this confuses healthy people that I meet. God has given me the opportunity to do anything that I want to and am capable of doing , my moral compass being my only guide. My cancer was diagnosed as an aggressive cancer at an advanced stage (without therapy I would have only survived a few weeks at best), I have looked at the statistics of cancer patients survival rates of patients that are diagnosed at a less advanced stage of extensive stage SCLC than I myself was diagnosed with and have surpassed those survival rates . I can tell however that shoe will soon drop. The wind is howling just outside my window. The waves are angrily crashing on the beach as the gulls play in the high wind shooting up the shallow bluff , dashing up and down and back and forth in the high wind shooting up the bluff. The water is cold and powerful today and it would be an easy and quick way to go to walk into the water , let the cold powerful ocean do the rest and return to the primeval soup from where we once came . Two thoughts are confusing me today. One is how does one not somehow feel responsible for the pain and suffering that goes on in the world when one is aware of the extent of its existence. The other is that as a society why are we so reluctant to help one another yet so eager to spend vast sums of money and resources to harm each other. Society is made up of individuals so each and every one of us is partly responsible for whatever good or evil exists. So much for waxing philosophically today. I am going to chase loot today so I can continue to try living and find some beauty in the day to offset yesterdays state of depression. I wish I could bottle the component of comfort found in feminine beauty and bath in it . There is always comfort there. Being this close to death and what it holds I seem to sense other presences at times complete with comforting aromas . The aromas are a mingle of a floral scent and the scent of an aroused woman. It may sound odd but the presence and aroma is definitely there. Dreams are becoming vivid again and I can sometimes defy the pain and make it seem insignificant. There is an underlying nervousness and anticipation in the way that I feel. I have felt this way before, before a near death experience. I would still like to and am capable of enjoying some of life’s sweets and hope that it is not quite my time yet.

8 Days Left

Thurs. Oct. 15/09 The Song of the Day is: “Round Here” by Counting Crows I am impressed by the sensitivity and depth of lyrics like these , especially coming from a what I consider a young mind. The Quote of The day is: “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time “ by Mark Twain . 0330 I can hear the waves crashing on the beach from the entrance of my residence. The darkness and the damp chill that greets me when I open the door feels as familiar as my mood . There is a strange comfort in my aloneness , chilly dark air and proximity to death. I am still not taking any pain medication. The pain in my body at this moment is tolerable. The combination of being almost pain free without medication for a period of time lets me enjoy the moment with clarity. If I would have started taking all the medications that the Health care Practitioners suggested I believe that I would not have or be able to enjoy these moments , however fleeting. The newspaper has been warning residents of cougar sightings in town. When I was admitted to the hospital emergency dept. because of complications a few weeks ago there was a notice posted by the entrance warning people that a cougar had been sighted lurking near the entrance on the west side of the hospital. Deer are so plentiful and common that they seem annoyed when I drive by them and are reluctant to move away from whatever has captured their interest by the side of the road , in some ones yard or on the road itself. There is the colony of sea lions on the rocks in the ocean in front of the yard just outside my door. The proximity to the wildlife and the bush , although I don’t have the energy to get out and enjoy it , gives me some comfort. This is a good place to die. I went by the Native burial grounds , said a prayer , and in my own way asked for permission to rest my bones in the area. I have always respected native culture and their people for their honesty, the way that they are loyal to their family , respect their elders , love their children and help anyone in need . I am glad that someone was able to get me out of the city and set me up here as I was neither well enough nor did I have the means to do anything on my own. Thank God for an old friend that are willing to help or I would not be writing this now. It was a scary situation being stuck in the city in the roughest part of Canada , dying of cancer ,helpless and unable to defend or care for myself . I was fortunate that an old friend happened by as there was no help coming from anywhere else and was as close to dying as anyone would ever want to be without actually going to the other side. I was totally willing to die everyday that I was there as there was no moment of any comfort whatsoever . Unable to work (for that matter unable to get up and down the stairs ), lying alone , starving ,sick, in pain and in an area of town where the weak are mugged robbed and beaten. I was a skeleton lying on my deathbed .Let me tell you it is the loneliest feeling in the world lying on your deathbed and coming to the realization that pretty well everyone that you know is content to just let you lay there and suffer, starve and die in your own filth. Sure people say “if there is anything that I can do to help”… but they are just empty words that twist the knife and you know that no assistance will be forthcoming. Ah , I am getting bitter , put yourself in those shoes and try not to be bitter once in a while .Anyone who thinks that I might be whining just put yourself in that situation for a brief period of time , let alone months and months. I still spend over 90% of my time alone but knowing that someone cared enough to help extended my life by months and I am still here . Time to get into the positive, I will listen to a nostalgic piece of music , think about the beautiful women and be thankful for one more day.

8 Days

Wed. Oct.14/09 0330 The Song Of The Day is: “Waiting on a Friend” by the Stones The Quote of the day is:“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” By Norman Cousins
1 year 2 days since I last worked and was diagnosed with advanced extensive stage small cell lung cancer. Life expectancy for people with extensive stage lung cancer on average is 6 to 12 months . The oncologists estimated that since at the time that I was diagnosed the cancer was at a advanced stage and that I had only received 3 rounds of chemotherapy (I was supposed to receive 5 but that was cut short because I contracted pneumonia and I wasn’t supposed to survive that because I was in the process of receiving chemo) that my time on this planet would be 6 to 8 months at best. They have fortunately underestimated if the time counted is the time that one draws a breath and have overestimated if they are counting the time that can be considered living. There are only a few good hours in the day that could be considered living at best. As time progresses I can sense that the few people that do see me are tiring of the whole process of dying and the inevitability of my death while at the same time the cancer progresses and I find it more difficult and uncomfortable to continue on. I am still alive and capable of doing some living. It is frustrating that when there is a period of feeling a bit better that there is no means to do so. I know that being around someone who is dying is difficult on levels that I am sure we don’t fully comprehend . After a while an emotional defence mechanism must kick in that says “this is to much why doesn’t he just f..k off and die !‘. I think that I am doing a bang up job of that and am proceeding to do so quite nicely. I guess that even at this stage I have to do some learning and take in to consideration what affect that I have on the few people who lives that I do touch and somehow try to do my best to make my dying a positive learning experience for others. On a selfish note sitting here waiting for the reapers scythe to complete it’s stroke is at times unbearable .I was under the false impression that when someone is dying that people would put a bit of their lives aside for awhile . I have done so for others in the past. Human nature is human nature and sooner or later the me syndrome prevails in all of us. I do know that an impersonal computer screen and keyboard should not be a persons final companion . I new years ago that this is the way that I was going to die and that I would be dying alone, at least it is not a rude surprise and my subconscious has had time to prepare. I will concentrate on things to be thankful for and do my best to understand others. I have already walked miles down the path towards death and have garnered strength to get through the experience and have gathered strength from the experience , both of which will be helpful on this my final journey.

9 Days

Tues. Oct.15/09 0500 The Song of The Day Is: “A Whiter Shade of Pale” By Procol Harem The Quote of The Day Is:“Live as you would have wished to live when you are dying” By: Christtan Furchtegott Gellert Trying to chase the big black dog away. I will succeed eventually but not quite yet. I am amazed at how much of a roll ones frame of mind affects us and everyone in our presence. I did manage to jot down a few lines. /The executioners wall /waiting for old friends that will never arrive /digging deeper trying to fill in the hole / finding old ghosts relaxing on crumbling pedestals /soulless rounders who once thought that they were cool /they slink around drinking warm beer and aqua velva out of broken glasses / lazy demons that no longer have fear in their power / wet curs chasing their tails in the rain /I have sanctions that weigh 10 tons / that can crush them like ashes under stone / I am not nieve /choosing to face their horrors like a man crying inside / not accepting at any cost their bribery / but you can lie to me / hide behind the excuses of your burdens / I will love you just the same / I will wait for you by the executioners wall / waiting for old friends that never will arrive / I will continue digging. Azab

10 Days Left

Mon. Oct 12/09 I kept breaking down for a while but am pulling out of it now (I hope). The nights are long; at times I can’t help but feel like I am standing up against the executioner’s wall watching a slow moving bullet coming at me and unable to move. Other times I feel like an orphan, tatterd bag in hand waiting for a train on a cold windy platform. It is not death that frightens me so much now but all the discomforts and pain that I have and will be experiencing I know that there is a good possibility that I will lose my sight and mobility when the metastasis of the cancer progresses to my brain. The part that worries me the most is losing my thought processes and memories. I don’t have to let it come to that (if I can remember this).This is what life has come down to, a computer terminal to connect to the outside world, a whole pile of pain and fatigue and and waiting here on Dth Rw for my friend the reaper. Or it has come down to the bit of pleasure that I derive from my walks on the beach , the knowledge that a couple of people still care and are doing the best that they can to help ,I still enjoy eating! and cooking .I watched some erotic films and I still get horny and I have the opportunity to communicate anything that I want as God? has given me the opportunity to uninhibitedly communicate and to convey anything that I want. My only criteria is honesty. So ,Happy Thanksgiving.Twice in my life people that I have known but did not have communication with for many years have crawled out of the woodwork so to speak and saved my life. Not that it matters (or maybe it does) one was of Polish decent the other was Native, in my mind it is a testament to goodness of their cultures. The first time I was involved in a dispute with people that operated above the law. I placed one call to this gentleman that I had not spoken to in 10 years told him of my situation. He was 2800 miles away and he was on my doorstep to help in less than 48 hrs. He was married with a job. Due to circumstaces,I had not slept for over 3 months (this is possible); he stayed for over two months and became my bodygaurd, chef and bartender. When he arrived I asked him to take charge of the situation, he procceded to make sure that there was good food on the stove, shooters whenever I wanted them and sat by the entrance way , shotgun in hand. He would sit there read magazines and tell anyone that was looking for trouble that I was catching up on some much needed sleep and could not be disturbed , he was very convincing. I have no idea what I did to command such loyalty. I felt guilty for being responsible for taking him away from his family for a while but grateful that he was there. I would not be alive today if he had not shown up. The next person that was instrumental in restoring some of my faith in humanity was the Native person that pulled me out of Vancouver when I could no longer work ,was starving ,and to ill with cancer to do anything for myself. He stepped up and moved me to where I presently am. At the time I was in and out the hospital with non-cancer complications ,the cancer was growing aggressively and the cancer clinic said that they could do nothing more for me at that time. I stayed in the palliative care ward till I decided this was not time or place to die. I then went back to my residence in East Vancouver .I was robbed , I to weak to get up and even brush my teeth at times , couldn’t get out to shop or get up and down my stairs to get out to help myself , I am sure that I did cross over a couple of times during that time. Had it not been for my Native friend letting me into his family I would have been dead this last June .09. I am grateful , but have no idea if I did anything to deserve this generosity or if the generosity is a part of the culture , maybe I am just a friend , I have always noticed that Native peoples are respectful , generous, honest and good natured regardless that they have good reason to be bitter . I find inspiration in this. Another surprise came from a Jewish lawyer that represented me for three years in the Supreme Court when I was being maliciously prosecuted because I was aware of that the police, people in Gov’t and the supposed upstanding citizens of one community were involved in criminal activity. He later helped me free of charge when the RCMP installed false information and fake warrants on police data bases , this was to make sure that I kept my mouth shut. The only reason that I can see for him helping me was that he was a moral human being and was aware that police will unabashedly lie and commit criminal acts to further their cases or careers. I am not sure which or maybe it is both. Again I do not know what I did in order for him to be so generous or maybe he was just a decent human being. 0700 I am looking out across the strait that is filled with the waters of the Pacific Ocean that separates the Island from the mainland. The tide is out; the sun is risng from behind the mountains. The suns crimson glow shining up and filling the space between the mountains and the clouds that are hanging just above them. I know that if I went outside right now that I would see the sea lions out on the rocks and they would bellow upon my approach , they are getting used to me and do not protest my presence as much as they used to . After watching some erotica earlier I am glad that everything still works (it would be nice to eat some pussy though). 0740 I just came back from the beach and from saying my morning prayers bathed in the beauty of the early morning. So I guess that I do have a lot to be thankful for. I just have to realize that during a long period of physical suffering and the fact that I will be dead soon that I sometimes just have to try a bit harder , look a bit deeper and be more grateful for the blessings that I have received, for the people that have helped in my time of need and find it within my self to give thanks. Happy Thanksgiving

10 Days L

Sun. Oct. 11.09 1500 I am sleeping so much, it is not a refreshing sleep but the sleep of death, rattle and all. I now understand why my mother was so adamant about wanting to leave the hospital palliative care unit. While everyone but her was concerned about the responsibly of providing care for her she only wanted a warm friendly place to die. Surrounded by family, warm sunshine streaming through the windows. Rather than in the cold hospital setting. Impersonal and all the souls of recent dead and dying milling around. Most of the nurses there (the backbone of our health care system) were exceptional at and went out of their way trying to provide a humane atmosphere for one to die, but the structure of our health care system compels even the most dedicated health care practitioners to treat people in the same manner that a mechanic fixes a broken down Ford. I knew that we were being selfish then and I can feel it now. At the stage that she was in and at the stage that I am in the DR.s, if you approach them sincerely, will be the first to tell you that they really haven’t a clue as to what the next few days or weeks will hold. During this procces of dying the healthy could do well not to forget the dying persons needs and desires rather than how the whole procces affects themselves. I know that it is an exhausting process for the healthy and Lord knows that I have been guilty as the rest , but for Gods sake we should put ourselves aside for at least a little while, be strong and honestly consider the desires of the dying rather than how their passing is going to affect ourselves. There will be time to heal and reflect later, time is something that person dying does not have. I think that I'll leave before I have to suffer the humiliation of dying in a hospital setting and before total loss of my independence . I know that when I say that freedom and independence are more important than life itself I am "putting my money where my mouth is'. Allways have , allways will .I have put my liberty and life on the line before for the benefit of other people but that is a different story.

RADIANCE

I KISS HER AS SHE RUNS FROM ONE LOVER TO ANOTHER / SHE CAN DO NO WRONG /IN THIS STATE SHE IS IMMACULATE /SHE SETS HER PASSION FREE /SHARES HER SPIRIT /LETTING HER LOVERS SHINE IN HER RADIANCE . Azab

The Big Black Dog -10 Days

Sun. Oct. 11/09 0600 The Song of the Day is “Sweet Jane “ as performed by The Cowboy Junkies , The sultry performance of this song fits my mood this morning . The Quote of The Day Is: “I do not know if there are any truths in death but I am sure that there are no lies “by Azab the big black dog (depression) is trying to slink in.Today is the anniversary of the last day that I worked. I was suffering for at least a year prior to that and since then have only had a few good hour a day at best and a lot of times no good hours at all. I really wonder if suicide is a sin if it is modern (sic) medicine that is extending ones life. Maybe I am not really supposed to be here. I have shelter and food but aside from that I really have no way to experience much more in life. Fighting so dam hard and then there is no means to enjoy anything when I do manage to get my head above water for a bit. I am sitting on death row squirming with discomfort with no hope of a reprieve from the governor. The Inuit culture at one time were able to recognize that death was near and gave it’s people the strength to go out in the cold and let go. I don’t possess that strength yet but I do understand it now. It is difficult to be around people that I don’t know as the per functionary niceties seem so unimportant and empty and it is hard to be around people that I care about because I feel like I am burdening them (I always new that I would we dying alone). I guess that I will search inward and look for things to be thankfull for. I usually don’t have to look to far, get a bit humble and find lots to be gratefull for. After a few years of discomfort and pain it is easy to become bitter but notheless I am still human (not for long) and still fall into the traps of human frailaties although I am getting much better at recognizing and avoiding the traps. Human nature, my what fickled insecure creatures we are. At any rate somehow I’ll keep the big black dog at bay today. I often wonder what the human life experience would be like if we had no maliciousness and greed embedded in our souls. I really think that our weaknesses can be dealt with just like the recovering alchoholic we first have to recognize our fralalties and then muster up the desire to deal with them. Maybe things would be better, maybe worse. It just seems so simple that if we all treated each other as brothers and sisters (minus the sibling rivalries) that living would be a much more pleasant experience. If human nature dictates that we must be competitive than lets just play a game of basketball or cards let winners be winners losers be losers and all be friends. 0730 Gotta go and watch the sun rise and I hope the big guy/girl gives me the day or maybe the beach at sunrise is a good time and place to die. How little we know, how little time we have, how small we really are.

11 Days

remembering is the hardest part /sometimes I run /swearing I’ll never look back /the heart opens up when the blinders come off /if you ever feel the boundries we better hold together /sing a bit louder /we better hold each other tighter /one is not enough / cry /try /stand up /when you ask to much /I give you more than you need and less than I got /alone we got history /alone is the young boy waiting for his mother that will never return / alone is the old man remembering friends long passed away /alone is the joy of one at peace with themselves . Azab

Uncharted Territory (11 Days)

Oct. 9/09 1800 Just watching a program about the Panama Canal on the history channel with the sound turned off and listening to Led Zepplins “California’ Noticing the names on the side of the ships I realized that I had worked on or against most of the ships going through the canal. Sometimes I miss work or rather I miss the independence and the energy that I had when I was working. Sat. Oct 10/09 The Song of The day is: Knocking on Heavens Door” by Bob Dylan (I was surprised to find out that he has Lithuanian roots) Seems like a fitting song for today. The Quote of the Day Is: "If I could only get closer to you it would all be worthwhile" by Azab The closer that I get to the other side I notice an underlying nervousness. I don’t know whether this is a natural reaction that the body has when it closes in on death or it is the realization that I am entering uncharted territory all that I am really sure of is that I can feel that the time is near. It does get more difficult each day to overcome the discomfort ang get on with the day. I am never really sure at the start of the day if Iwill see the end of the day. At his stage noone has any answers niether medical or spiritual and am on my own to find my own way there. When I was at the doctors the other day coughing up blood he (I am not being critical here) just looked at me with an expression of “what do you expect your past your due date”, when I mentioned that when the complications start to get to severe that I might go to the emergency dept. at the hospital I was told that should wait until there is lots of blood and was met with the same stare that said there is nothing that can be done. He is a fine Dr. and I am not being critical, I actually feel sorry for him and hope that my situation does not adversely affect him. Another Dr. (my oncologist) is pregnant (the pregnancy does drape a bueaty on her) and will probably be on maternity leave when I die. For some strange reason I find it comforting that she will be bringing a new life in as I am on my way out. Now this is thanksgiving weekend in Cannda and I can’t help but have a few thoughts about that. Not so much as about giving thanks (Ido that every morning) but about thanksgiving as a celebration in North America.I think that everyone in north america should take a moment to reflect that if it was not for the generosity of the peoples of the native cultures there is a good chance that we would not have much to celebrate . And again take time to reflect that the same way that we mistreated native people back then we still treat other cultures in other parts of the world. My personal experiences with native peoples has been extensive and long which might seem odd to some, myself being a blue eyed blond. My most recent experience is just after I was diagnosed with Cancer and was told that without therapy I would be dead within days or at the most weeks . The only people that actually stepped up to the plate and offered tangible help (rather than the cursory if there is anything I can do to help and the that is the end of it) and restored a bit of my faith in the human race were both native peoples. Without their help I would have been dead long ago. I can’t see native peoples having much cause to celebrate thanksgiving as we know as they would be celebrating the attempted genocide of their peoples. I am not going to celebrate Thanksgiving but rather give thanks , for all my experiences , all the beautiful women and the two natives whose actions have given me a bit of faith and a little more time on this earth. I am now tired and bleeding, I do have a lot to say but I don’t have the energy to keep going at times. One bright spot about the dire situation that the peoples of this planet are in is that there is hope in our youth and hopefully they can recognize the mistakes that we made and try not to repeat them. Maybe this is where faith comes from. My Rant: (I wrote this first to stir myself up to get some energy to keep writing) Tomorrow is the anniversary of the last day that I worked one yerar ago. Talk about hypocracy, I heard on the news a few days ago that the Ontario Gov”t. has started to fine owner operator truck drivers for smoking cigarettes in their own cabs due to the quirks in the law about safety in the workplace. I remember when I was much younger I was confused as to all the attention given to the evils of tobacco and their cancer causing effect. In those days I was working for Ford motor Co. watching people working in paint bins covered from head to toe in toxic sustances on a daily basis. Ford would outsource this work through Canada Manpower a Gov’t employment agency and the jobs were given to or sometimes forced upon the most marginalized of the community (I am sure that the Gov;t employees received monies under the table for sticking people in these jobs). During my time at Ford I would some times find myself working on the gas line filling a gas tank every 58 seconds. Ironically we were allowed to smoke; all that we had to do was to step back a few feet to have a cigarette. The cancer causing affects of both tobacco and petroleum products were known at that time. In my young mind I was confused as to why the gov’t was starting to make it so hard for an individual to have a legal cigarete while at the same time industry could blatenly poison a person and put them in murderous positions. The non-smoker so adamant about a bit cigarete smoke can with a clear conscience drive his/her SUV and go to work in a munitions plant or at the tar sands and for some reason not see the hypocrisy of the situation. The last day that I worked before I was diagnosed with incurable small cell lung cancer (the most insidious one) I was operating a D-10 buldozer in the middle of the night 75 ft up on an ustable pile of coal breathing in diesel particulate cold dust downwind from a site that handles lead concentrare (when the wind was right you could taste the stuff in the air) and was not allowed to have a smoke in the cab of my machine because it might harm my health. I can’t light a smoke but industry can put me in a toxic life threatening position. What danm hypocracy. If you see some hanging by their neck from a tree with a sliver in their finger the way of thinking of the anti-smoking campain they would concentrate on taking out the sliver and leave the person hanging. I am not saying that smoking is good but for god sakes look around and put things in a proper perspective. Again any fool who says that hard work has never hurt anyone can come see me and I can take them to the graves and hospital beds introduce them to amputees, orphans and widows/widowers that will tell them different. We as North americans are right near the top of the list of being the most niaeve brainwashed people on the planet. My cancer is acting up so there is my rant for the day. I am totally running out of steam so I know if I stirr myself up with a topic that angers me I can then take that energy and use it for something enjoyable , a form of self-hypnosis I guess.

12 Days

Oct. 9/09 1000 Sometimes I wonder if all the chemotherapy and radiation treatments are extending my life or just prolonging dying . I don’t believe that I have to spend my last days chasing loot. Gotta get into the positive . I have a secret /it is the same secret you hang on to/ you let it slip /so I plucked it from a tear /that was running down your face towards your smile/ I’ll keep it safe /make it easy /I’ll make it grow /then I’ll give it back to you . Azab

12 Days

Oct.9/09 0400 The Songs of the day are: “Gotta Get a Message to You” and “To Love Somebody” by The Bee Gee’s The songs are syrupy and “schmaltzy” but they fit my mood this morning, the latter has always tugged at my heartstrings. Music gets my emotional juices flowing and stirs up memories , makes them more vivid , emtotional and if the song is right erotic. The quote of the day is “If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough.” by Ann Landers ( in the past if anyone told me that I would be quoting Ann Landers I would not have believed them but the quote is the right one for me today) My companion , the Cancer seems to be winning and never ceases to surprise me at how many different ways that it can hurt me. Today is going to be a good day no matter what happens to me today . I am in good spirits this morning regardless of the pain (7/10) and some internal bleeding etc. etc. . I am still not prepared to trade relief for lucidity and the myriad of side effects of pain medications. The only thing that could ruin my state of mind this morning would knowing that someone close to me is suffering. Although I am confused about this process of death I am not so much afraid of dying as I am nervous , the discomfort and pain I could do without . love sweet life sweet death /look at me in the light of your own intentions /there is no place closer /or any space inbetween /pleasure and desperation /love me when I drop. Azab

13 Days

The Song Is "Flying Cowboys" by Riki Lee Jones

Oct.8.09 0900 I notice that the expression on my face and my whole countenance changes every time I get close to death and am surprised at how quickly it changes back when I refuse to go. Oct.8/09 1545 It is easy to become bitter when one is facing death . The dying is not so intimidating , it is the constant discomfort and pain that wears at the body and soul that hinders my attempts at trying to learn from this ,my final experience . I am trying my damdest not to fall in the trap of self pity and human natures instinct to blame others for my situation . If it were not for present day medicine I would have died 11 months ago .I should be grateful that I still have time , pain and discomfort aside ,to love and live the best that I can . I still get to watch the sunrise , I still get to appreciate women and have this unique opportunity to contemplate and make my peace as God (whomever she / he may be) has given me a heads up as what my fate will soon be . I have kept my body and appearance up ( as the cancer is killing me from the inside out) so that to most people I do not appear to be ill . This gives me the opportunity to still observe life without the sometimes tedious , sometimes appreciated pity that persons bestow upon myself when they find out about my condition , although that dam pain and discomfort at times makes it difficult to be around people so I end up spending most of my time alone. I have no future on this earthly plain so don’t have much to offer or pursue any new relationships . It would be delicious to hold and caress a sincere woman get lost in her eyes feel the comfort that closeness of skin on skin can bestow a man and woman but relationships are time consuming and I am pretty well out of time. .I have always known that I was going to die alone and am prepared for it (I think) .My entries are becoming more frequent as the clock is ticking and for some reason I feel need to write faster .It is a gorgeous day today the tide is in , there are wispy clouds suspended in the valleys on the mainland across the strait . The seabirds must have gotten used to me as they no longer scatter when I go out my door onto the beach and God has given me another day. One aspect of living that I now know to be true is that giving of oneself provides ones self with comfort . I know that it is difficult for the people that I do know to be around me , I can sense that they feel unsure as to what they should say and how they should behave. Face it being around someone who is going to die soon is can be a unnerving experience. I found that if I take a genuine interest in their lives ,problems and accomplishments that I can make the visit both entertaining and comfortable and I draw joy from this. I have come back to the beginning ,it is easy to become bitter when one is facing death. I have overcome jealousy and envy and will try to work on self pity if I have time.

Changes

Oct.8.09 0900 I notice that the expression on my face and my whole countenance changes every time I get close to death and am surprised at how quickly it changes back when I refuse to go.

13 Days

Thurs. Oct. 8/09 The Song of The Day Is: “Flying Cowboys” by Riki Lee Jones She is either extremely artistic or insane . Intelligent women are a turn on . The quote of the day is :Don't strew me with roses after I'm dead.When Death claims the light of my brow,No flowers of life will cheer me: insteadYou may give me my roses now! By: Thomas F. Healy
I guess a day and a bit is the only amount of time of feeling semi-comfortable that God will give me. Started coughing up lots of blood yesterday . Every time that I feel a bit of relieve I get my hopes up that it will last for more than a few hours .The Drs informed me that one of the tumors is up against a major artery and that the it is quite possible that the tumour could cuase a lot of bleeding and that I could drown in my own blood. If that does occur I was informed that there is nothing that could really be done even if I decided to go to the emergency dep‘t at the hospital .. The other complication that could occur is that when the cancer reaches my brain any function of my body could stop working ie. I could suddenly loose my sight or the use of my legs , bodily functions etc. etc.. I wake up each day and put the prospect of that happening out of my mind and attempt to do some living . I do know that it is coming and it gets more difficult each day to put the thought of being blind , crippled and then drowning in my own blood and then try to enjoy a bit of the day. I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself . To many different aches and pain to even bother the dr’s with and now we have stopped dealing with the major ones. I guees that the next step that they will take and have tried to take is to put me in a drug induced stupor. I have so far for the most part stayed away from the narcotics that they said I should be taking for the pain as I would like to stay lucid as long as possible. Where ’s the gun Billy.

Prison Tatoos

I met S… last night/ emptied the sand from her shoes /prison tattoos on her thighs /lost in her folds /closely facing , effacing myself /her shadow rested on my face /I can only hear her sigh but I can feel her moan /as a somnambulist I slip into her dreams /do women still love to be loved ? Azab

14 Days Left

Wed . Oct. 7/09 The Song of the Day Is “ Refuge” and “You can Sleep While I Drive” by Melissa Etheridge , God that woman’s voice can crawl into a mans soul. The Quote of the Day Is: Human life consists in mutual service. No grief, pain, misfortune, or "broken heart," is excuse for cutting off one's life while any power of service remains. But when all usefulness is over, when one is assured of an unavoidable and imminent death, it is the simplest of human rights to choose a quick and easy death in place of a slow and horrible one. By Charlotte Perkins Gilman I am daily becoming more aware of the relationship between body and soul. When I come close to dying my mind immediately starts thinking spiritually and when I get a bit of a reprieve and my body attempts to fight back against the cancer and makes a slight headway I want to enjoy earthly pleasures ,but again the means are not in the cards so I make out the best that I can.
All in all not a bad day yesterday , not to much pain and the fatigue and when it did hit me it was not disabling. I have spoke with other cancer patients that have small cell lung cancer and they confirmed that they feel the same type of fatigue as I do as well as the constant and steady discomfort . The fatigue hits like someone is injecting something into my viens , I can be doing something or just sitting there in not to much pain or discomfort and suddenly I feel as if a wave of “tired “ is coursing through my viens and it is all I can do to make it somewhere to lie down. I keep getting weird pains in my head and ears and am praying that the cancer is not metastasising to my brain , when the cancer does metastasise to my my brain and major parts of my body begin failing I will seriously consider suicide . I have lost enough and am struggling to survive as it is and I can’t see keeping on if the stuation gets much worse as everyday is a fight to keep on keeping on. All that aside I am looking forward to today as the pain and discomfort levels are tolerable so far and am going to keep taking my alternative concoctions as they seem to help. 14 days

15 Days

Fall Colors Everywhere

0725 Yesterday and so far today I am holding my own against the symptoms of the cancer . I had about 8 good hours yesterday and are hoping for the same today. The pain is bearable but I never know when the insidious bastard (the cancer ) is going to show it’s ugly self and start twisting me up from the inside . I will just try to put it all out of my head . I can mentally go to some happy places when the discomfort and pain subsides for a bit. 15 days left to decide whether or not to accept more chemotherapy , experimental or otherwise . I have been told by one DR that a person whom has received the amount and types of therapy that I have received that any more therapy would not help. I am not sure that I or my body can take any more of those ravaging drugs and am pretty sure that my body will not last to much longer trying to suppress the cancer spreading through my body. On a day like yesterday it would have been nice to be able do something enjoyable , but I guess that is just not in the cards and will psych my self into enjoying myself here on D. R .. I shouldn’t complain but I will , I wonder what other people would do if they knew that the odds were that they only had 15 days left to enjoy themselves in some degree of comfort. I think I’ll listen and watch a Tina Turner video now , be a bit sexist and get mesmerized by those legs. Experience has taught me that when things seem desperate and hopeless that if I keep looking I can find some comfort and beauty in or around any predicament. I know that when I put myself into someone elses head , perceive their concerns and unbeknownst to them take some action to alleviate their burden , they are blown away and it feels pretty good for me also. 15 days .

15 Days

Tues. Oct. 6/09 0100 The Song of The Day is “ Every Night” performed by Phoebe Snow The quote of the day is: “If you aren't good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you'll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren't even giving to yourself“. By Barbara De Angelis A Soldiers Sigh - there was a time when we could see more -more in 10 ft. than in10 miles -we were all soldiers once - sergeants snipers - quick lets run before they take all the keys and leave things to rust - we wont hide - or run proudly -or you can stay - I can live in the warmth of your gaze - and return your sweetness. Azab

16 Days Left (The Suns Fall Colors)

Mon. Oct.5/09 0547 The Song of The Day is : “Troubled Land” by John Mellencamp ( I need a song with a beat to it get going this morning) The Quote of the Day is “An education about the ways of life makes one aware of the knife ,experience makes one feel the blade” by Azab I keep record of all my ailments for what is becoming an increasing no. of doctors , by the time I document all the symptons and pain I am almost to burnt out to do anything else. People and possesion ,I am still always surprised at how much people work for and are possessed by their possesions .Here in North America we have most definitely become a society where trinkets are more important than people and peoples lives . 0720 Going outside to say my prayer of thanks for another day to the big Guy/Girl 0750 God I miss female companionship and all the implied comforts . The cancer is killing me from the inside out , outwardly I don’t appear that ill . My hair has all grown back since the chemotherapy , I have managed to maintain my wieght and I can caress a womens soul with words like there is no tomorrow , in my case no tommorrws is a fact rather than a empty saying. Unfortunatly I don’t like to lie and a person in my position cannot offer any tommorrows but just the sincerity of today. Tired of keeping quiet - enslaved by hypocritical manners - peace be peace - love be love - death be death -
beauty be beauty -no preconditions -no limits -no fine print -souls dripping in comfort. Azab

Oct. 09 Afternoon (my last fall)

My Frontyard

Still 18 Days

Sun. oct. 4/09 1000 Went for awalk along the beach , want to use my legs while I still have use of them . I believe that I came close to losing the use of my legs a couple of weeks ago. One of the most difficult aspects of dying slowly to deal with is the aloneness , another difficulty is trying to stay inspired when you are in constant discomfort and knowing that no matter how hard that you fight you are going to be losing sooner than later. The former is understandable as anyone in a healthy state must tire of being around someone who is suffering and dying. They must feel the vibes , the topic of conversation at some point comes around to death and I know that in my presence their subconscious is mulling over their own mortality. Not a pleasant way to spend ones day . I cannot speak for everyone in my position but I appreciate any time that someone spends and realize that at times my company must be difficult. On the other hand I can put a smile on someones face just the same and sometimes I don’t want any company as the day to day problems of everyday life seem trivial untill I remmember that I benefit from the comfort provided by someone else dealing with the mundane . Life and the process of death goes on. The death process being as complicated as the process of living , one step forward two steps back , two steps forward one step back , the dance of living and dying seem to be one of the same. I have almost conquered vanity , jealousy , envy and am doing battle with lonliness and anxiety which should be easier (I hope) to subjugate. If I can offer any advice to anyone dealing with someone who is terminally ill is first of all is to be honest about or overcome greediness(it is apparent as the sun to someone who is terminally ill and can not be hid amongst good intensions) and realize that there is confusion with both parties about how to behave during the process of dying and the only attribute that provides comfort is honesty( and perhaps doing a line of coke of of a sweet womans ass). The latter problem of staying inspired is like everything else is a day to day battle I wont have worry about much longer. (listening to “Gimme Shelter)

18 Days Left

Sun. Oct. 4/09 The Song of the Day Is : “I’ll Take You There “ by The Staple Singers The Quote of the Day Is: Dream as if you have forever. Live as if you only have today. By James Dean
Mon.Oct. 5/09 The Song of the Day is : “To Love Somebody” by The Bee Gees 0710 I still try to go out onto the beach in the front yard just before the sun rises each day at say a prayer of thanks for another day and one selfish prayer with the hope of getting the means to fulfil my bucket list before I die. Each morning one sea lion (in my mind it is the same one each day) must hear my footsteps grinding on the rounded pebbles on the beach as I make my way to “contemplation log “. I make the same clicking sound each time I take the short walk and I am sure she/he hears my approach and each day seems to pop his/her head up above the salty water ever closer to investigate what now must have become familiar sound to him . This morning the sun was rising red from behind the mountains on it’s drift southward , seabirds poped up in front of me as if they were corks stuck to the ocean floor waiting for me to arrive so that they could pop themselves up into the air and then settle on the calm surface in the center of a bulls eye made by the ripples from their surfacing. This morning the sea lion came within 20 ft . stuck his head up and looked directly at me . I think the sea lion no longer sees me as a threat but has become curious Gee I suddenly feel like listening to Joni Mitchels “ California” . Pain and impending death be dammed , if it goes downhill from here it has been a good day anyways. 0820 Dam here comes the pain.

19 days

Fri. Oct. 2/09 (con’t) 1500 It was a good morning but as usual I guess it would be to much to ask for for it to last all day as I know that the pain will be coming and here it is (9 ½ out of 10) across the chest and back . At least I had a good few hours this morning. Sat. Oct. 3/09 0530 The Song of the Day is : “Suzanne” by Leonard Cohen , Always a good song to drift through memories with and bask in the unseen power of women. The Quote of The Day is “The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for” . by Allan K. Chalmers Now I just have to try to figure out where happiness lies without any of the “grand essentials”. The cancer and the complications are winning today , to much stuff to keep my mind on today . Still going to try to make it through the day without the painkilers , the painkillers side effects kill. Today is going to be a “Dam the torpedoes and just keep putting one foot in front of the other“ kind of day. My whole body seems to want to shut down . I can sometimes will the symptoms away if they are not to severe or hitting me in different parts all over the body but sometimes the symptoms and the pain just overwhelm and leave me breathless and wracked in pain. My naturopathic remedies now seem to bring on complications also . “19 days” I hope. - How much pain do we endure before we become fearless -Fearless in our hopes -Fearless in our dreams -Fearless of the future -Proud of our history -Unburdened by our needs. azab Gonna try to wrench something positive out of the day. I was hoping that I would have time to write something semi-profound or at least helpful or entertaining and to leave behind a bit of a life history although I am still going to try I am doubtful that I will achieve much more . It has been an extremely long ride so far . Bye.

D-day 20 days away

Thurs. Oct. 1/09 Yeah. I made it to Oct. Fri. Oct. 2/09 0600 The Song of the day is “ Knocking on Heavens Door” by Bob Dylan The Quote of the Day Is:“Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows.”
Pope Paul VI quotes (Italian Pope. 1897-1978)
I will tolerate the level of pain today without any medications . (I hope) One of the highlights of my day (there are few) is sitting on Contemplation Log watching the sun riseing up from behind the mountains on the mainland , a good cup of coffee and a cig. In hand and saying a prayer of thanks for another day and a selfish prayer hoping the big guy might help me fulfil my wish list . It is a clear cold morning , the more spectacular sinrises present themselves when the skys are a bit overcast , but I am grateful for each and every one , even on the days when misery rears its’ ugly head . Somedays misery is a tough customer but most days I am tougher and can wrangle some bright moments from each day given me. The sunrises in the fall are more subtle than the summer sunrses but no less beautiful . Summer sunrises pounce out from behind the mountains , the fall sunrises seem to crawl out from behind the mountains. Took my shirt off to shave earlier , the big black spot on my chest , a fist and a ½ in size stared back at me as a grim reminder of what the future holds . I also have a copy of my latest chest X-ray and I don’t really want to look at that either. I have already been admitted to paliative care once and managed to pull myself the hell out there and keep going on . I really believe that to a certain degree a person can fool themselves into feeling better , keep moving-keep on living . At least untill the body has a major malfunction . The quality of life may not be there but it is still life, although sometimes death seems inviting also.