Icing On The Cake (one day)

Tues. Oct.27/09 The Quote of The day is:“Death ends a life, not a relationship.” by Robert Benchley
The Song Of The Day Is “Cowgirl in The Sand” By Niel Young as performed on “4 Way Street” I have to admit that dying does bother me , but not to the degree that one might think. The “letting go“, although complex and difficult is not as daunting as having to tolerate the physical pain and deterioration. Maybe this sounds trite but it is honest. After more than 2 years of dealing with physical discomfort and the uncertainty as to how long this worldly existence is going to last on a daily basis I get worn down. Every day the decision has to be made whether to keep on living or to die. I am glad that God (whomever She /He may be) has instilled in each one of us an incredible survival instinct that kicks in when life is slipping away or I would have packed it in long ago. I am try my damdest not to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for myself and can usually succeed. After the emotional and physical drawbacks that come with dying the lingering most painful aspect is the loss of independence as I can no longer work. Looking after oneself at this stage with cancer is a full time job on it’s own. When I can no longer look after myself and existing becomes too degrading I do believe that is when I will pack it in. While most people get on by living for tomorrow I am left here alone trying to savour the day. I only have a few good hours some days. I do not believe that I should spend my last days watching people do their chores and I don’t think that people should expect me to do so at this stage. When we are honest with ourselves I believe that we usually look at our relationships with each other in the light as to how the relationship with the other person is going to benefit ourselves. Whether it be spiritually , monetarily or just to provide solace and comfort. We occasionally cross that line , become unselfish and give without expecting to get anything back. This is what I keep striving for but with the limited time that I have left sometimes I can not help but want to live for myself. Hopefully others , and myself , will come to the realization that when we do sacrifice we also gain. We gain a sense of confidence, well being and freedom when we give of ourselves. The fact that someone else recognizes the gesture is only icing on the cake.