Still 18 Days

Sun. oct. 4/09 1000 Went for awalk along the beach , want to use my legs while I still have use of them . I believe that I came close to losing the use of my legs a couple of weeks ago. One of the most difficult aspects of dying slowly to deal with is the aloneness , another difficulty is trying to stay inspired when you are in constant discomfort and knowing that no matter how hard that you fight you are going to be losing sooner than later. The former is understandable as anyone in a healthy state must tire of being around someone who is suffering and dying. They must feel the vibes , the topic of conversation at some point comes around to death and I know that in my presence their subconscious is mulling over their own mortality. Not a pleasant way to spend ones day . I cannot speak for everyone in my position but I appreciate any time that someone spends and realize that at times my company must be difficult. On the other hand I can put a smile on someones face just the same and sometimes I don’t want any company as the day to day problems of everyday life seem trivial untill I remmember that I benefit from the comfort provided by someone else dealing with the mundane . Life and the process of death goes on. The death process being as complicated as the process of living , one step forward two steps back , two steps forward one step back , the dance of living and dying seem to be one of the same. I have almost conquered vanity , jealousy , envy and am doing battle with lonliness and anxiety which should be easier (I hope) to subjugate. If I can offer any advice to anyone dealing with someone who is terminally ill is first of all is to be honest about or overcome greediness(it is apparent as the sun to someone who is terminally ill and can not be hid amongst good intensions) and realize that there is confusion with both parties about how to behave during the process of dying and the only attribute that provides comfort is honesty( and perhaps doing a line of coke of of a sweet womans ass). The latter problem of staying inspired is like everything else is a day to day battle I wont have worry about much longer. (listening to “Gimme Shelter)