Sun. Oct. 11/09 0600 The Song of the Day is “Sweet Jane “ as performed by The Cowboy Junkies , The sultry performance of this song fits my mood this morning . The Quote of The Day Is: “I do not know if there are any truths in death but I am sure that there are no lies “by Azab the big black dog (depression) is trying to slink in.Today is the anniversary of the last day that I worked. I was suffering for at least a year prior to that and since then have only had a few good hour a day at best and a lot of times no good hours at all. I really wonder if suicide is a sin if it is modern (sic) medicine that is extending ones life. Maybe I am not really supposed to be here. I have shelter and food but aside from that I really have no way to experience much more in life. Fighting so dam hard and then there is no means to enjoy anything when I do manage to get my head above water for a bit. I am sitting on death row squirming with discomfort with no hope of a reprieve from the governor. The Inuit culture at one time were able to recognize that death was near and gave it’s people the strength to go out in the cold and let go. I don’t possess that strength yet but I do understand it now. It is difficult to be around people that I don’t know as the per functionary niceties seem so unimportant and empty and it is hard to be around people that I care about because I feel like I am burdening them (I always new that I would we dying alone). I guess that I will search inward and look for things to be thankfull for. I usually don’t have to look to far, get a bit humble and find lots to be gratefull for. After a few years of discomfort and pain it is easy to become bitter but notheless I am still human (not for long) and still fall into the traps of human frailaties although I am getting much better at recognizing and avoiding the traps. Human nature, my what fickled insecure creatures we are. At any rate somehow I’ll keep the big black dog at bay today. I often wonder what the human life experience would be like if we had no maliciousness and greed embedded in our souls. I really think that our weaknesses can be dealt with just like the recovering alchoholic we first have to recognize our fralalties and then muster up the desire to deal with them. Maybe things would be better, maybe worse. It just seems so simple that if we all treated each other as brothers and sisters (minus the sibling rivalries) that living would be a much more pleasant experience. If human nature dictates that we must be competitive than lets just play a game of basketball or cards let winners be winners losers be losers and all be friends. 0730 Gotta go and watch the sun rise and I hope the big guy/girl gives me the day or maybe the beach at sunrise is a good time and place to die. How little we know, how little time we have, how small we really are.
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