Tears And Kisses

tears and kisses on the same cheeks / the soul like the land / breathtaking but uncaring whether the body lives or dies / do not love the dead / we have left and will not be back / unpacked all our baggage and left it where it stands / like all of life’s promises that were never meant to be kept / the past will not last here / but only stains memories / there will be no shoes left at the door / the tears will not last / all tears run down the same cheeks / tears of pain / tears of sadness / tears of pleasure / tears of joy / drip and mingle into life's salient emotional pool / where memories purpose rusts / do not argue with the dead / we are already dust . Azab

Five Bucks

Oct. 29 / 10 I mentioned when I started this blog that part of it‘s purpose was to document. To express what a terminally ill cancer patient goes through while struggling to stay alive . While struggling to do some living in the little time that is left. I also think that I have and could have shared some dam good advice regarding making the experience of having chemotherapy less horrific. For both patient and the people that are close to the patient. The chemo for me was particularly rough . I almost passed away a few times and was actually admitted into palliative care for awhile(over a year ago). While I was in palliative care I had a choice. I could have laid down and died ( had I decided to do this I know that I would be dead within a few days or weeks) or I could “dam the torpedoes” and claw and scratch to stay alive. I decided the latter. The last 40 or so days has had me knocking on heavens door again. It has been ten days now since my last session of radiation therapy. Without it I am sure that by now I would have either been dead from the cancer , exhaustion or in so much pain that I would prefer death. Yes there are pain medications available. At the moment I am taking one of the most powerful. The pain from my cancer however , was so severe at times that even with the pain medication , my body was still reacting adversely to the pain. Even to the point where the effects of the cancer would make me get up even if I was heavily sedated with narcotics and not conscious. Well , that is not living in any degree . Because my life was far from being conventional I also wanted leave behind a bit of biography , so to speak. The few people that have managed to get close to me have asked , and still ask me to do so. To these people I apologize. I first try to document what I go through while trying to live while waiting to die. The struggle involved in overcoming the effects of the cancer and medications is all consuming. I am afraid that the my body and mind has been ravaged to close to the point where there is little life left in me. I am now living by the hour. Just this morning I stood up and I could feel the life draining out of me. I seriously wondered and asked myself , “am I going to die now”. I will however “God willing” try to get past the physical and put some cerebral thoughts down. The fatigue is overwhelming. I do not know if anyone has taken the time to read the profile that accompanies this blog. I’ll be brutally honest here. I missed receiving my disability benefits from work because I had worked 4 hours less than is required to receive them. The money that the Gov’t pension provides is a pittance ($625 a month). When I started writing this blog I was hoping that a few people might think enough of it to deposit or send a few bucks to help me make my last days less stressful and maybe even be able to get out and get some of my “bucket list” done. My address and banking information is included in my profile. Well guess what. Since I have started this Blog about there has not been a single person out there that has felt inclined to donate anything. Now at this stage money doesn’t really matter much. Awhile ago it would of. I am hanging on to life by my fingernails. My requirements are few . There is not much that I am capable of doing regardless of means available. Having said this however , I am going to beg. Could someone anonymously deposit or send at least a five dollars . I would to cross of one item on my bucket list. That someone actually thought that the soul searching and writing was good enough to part with a few dollars. 5 lousy bucks would let me go to my grave with at least one item on my bucket list crossed of. Maybe Tomorrow. Hell , while I"m begging maybe someone could take the time to read a poem or two at Slowdeath2-azab.blogspot.com

Try A Little Harder

Thurs. Oct. 28 /10 . The Song Of The Day Is : “Final Feet” by the Cowboy Junkies (the first 5 minutes of it ). 0613 The physical assault of the cancer on my body has lessened somewhat. I am still in pain , but it is not the flesh burning , bone crushing type . I still am either choking or on the verge of doing so. The assault however is not as bad as it has been for the last 40 or so day’s. I was clinging to life with the tips of my fingers. Apparently I hide it well , or so I am told. I spend 98+ % alone. When I do see someone I can usually maintain degree of sociability. Any terminal cancer patient will tell you that this can be hard for to do , but look forward to the brief encounters all the same. No one really gets to see the boiling cauldron inside. Maybe this is as it should be. There are absolutely no moments of comfort now ,not even for brief periods but!!! I am ailing less now than I have been from the time that the cancer rapidly metastasized into my lymphatic system . The last 40 or so days. Causing pain that almost stops one from breathing and leaves one wide eyed in terror. And then there’s the growing tumour in my chest that makes me choke and gag. I have been close to going over to the other side before . But never as close and with so much pain as the last 40 or so days. The key is however that I am suffering less now!!!. It is time to try to draw some strength from what is left of me. Try to make some sense of the journey that I my life has taken. It is time to garner some strength , draw the good and beauty from this existence and reflect it back to all that I see. I am still hoping that the latest radiation therapy that I went through will give me at least a few weeks ,of a few hours ,of each day ,of enough relief so that I can think about something else besides dealing with the present symptoms along with wondering what is going to hit me next. Maybe Tomorrow ? No !1!! It is time to try now !, as I know that it is my time to die soon. Hopefully I will able to think of the words that describe my dying experience in more positive and brighter fashion. There has to be some awareness that comes with dying , especially with this “slowdeath” that I have been experiencing. There has to be some positive thoughts that can be left behind.

I Want To Lie

Oct.27 /10 I want to lie. I would like the lie to be believed. I wish that I could could make myself believe the lie . I wish that I could say to myself that there is some hope that the cancer will remiss. In wish that I could say to myself that I will not be dead shortly. Months ago when I could manage to alleviate most of the symptoms caused by the cancer , I could. For brief periods I could use denial. I would use denial to get free of the effects of this death sentence. For short periods of time it would work. Hell , I would even get out and buy a “set for life” lottery ticket just for a joke. The experience of the last 40 or so days fresh in my mind ,the constant barrage of the latter stages of my cancer renders me incapable to to even contemplate using denial as a coping mechanism. The latest development of the effects from the cancer are the loss of my voice and appetite. I am having great difficulty swallowing already. Having no appetite will make getting any sort of proper nutrition that much more difficult. I believe that I appropriately titled this blog “Slowdeath”. It has been a long time now tottering on edge of death at times . Pulling myself up and then falling down over and over again. The disease keeps assaulting me , constantly using new tactics draining the life from my body. I still keep fighting , but am unable kick very hard. If the pains subside enough for me not to require to be following a pain control protocol.If I can regain some appetite and some stamina then I will continue to try to “keep on keeping on”. Maybe Tomorrow.

One Brave Star

Oct. 25 10 2135 The Song Of The Evening Is : “Miles From Nowhere” By Cat Stevens . , The night sky is clogged with clouds. I look up. One brave star stares back at me through an opening in the swirling billows. It flutters as the tiny opening tries to fill the small gap. The sight almost inspires me to say a prayer. Almost ! The reality of my mortality has been driven into me like a spike sliding through my flesh. The extreme discomfort that my body has been enduring during these last 5 or so weeks leads me towards believing that prayer would be insincere. I wish this wasn’t so. I do not intend to leave this world either being unsure ,or while lying to myself. If I do not have the answers when I draw my last breath , I will travel on as bravely as I can. I look up at that one brave star. Wondering why I can no longer pray . Wondering why I wish I could.

Moments Are Precious

Oct.25/10 0640 I am neither complaining nor whining here , just documenting. I am not in much pain at the moment. I was able to drink ¾ of a cup of coffee without choking much. It has been over 3 hours since I last took some pain medication. At the moment I am relatively comfortable , there is mainly just discomfort (not much pain) and I am relatively lucid. If I had to compare how I feel right now to a time when I was ill when I was cancer free. Or if I was trying to explain how I feel to a healthy person that has been ill before. I would say that I feel somewhat the same right now as I have before when I had severe pneumonia . One of the differences would be that right now I feel a chocking sensation that causes some anxiety. I feel as if a large gloved hand is wrapped around my windpipe , starting at my “adams” apple , extending down to my mid-chest and is squeezing my airway. If I lay down the weirdest notes are produced as I breath out. Not a whistling sound but more of of a high pitched moan , it sounds as if my right lung has voice of it’s own and is moaning a dying dirge. The last 2 hours are close to being the best that I have had for over 40 days. I was able to lay on one side of my body for a few hours last night. I have had to maintain a semi -sitting or standing position now for over 40 days and nights . When  I laid on my side I immediately went into a deep sleep for a few hours. I had all but forgotten what sleep was. It felt good!!! . I also started to decrease the amount of pain medication that I am taking. I am assuming that the radiation therapy has or is having a beneficial effect. My goal is to have a few more weeks , or perhaps months of semi-pain free and lucid time. I am amazed at the difficulty of concentrating on anything else but the discomfort and choking. I am hoping that I will get enough relief to forget about the assaults on my body for at least a few hours a day. You might be better to be able to understand what I am trying to describe if you try to think back to a time when you were very ill and uncomfortable. Remember how difficult it was to concentrate on anything else but the “crappy” way that you are feeling at the time , wishing that it would end soon. For myself there is no end , only undulating waves of severity. One easily becomes miserable. It takes a lot of effort to put myself into a semi-positive state. Again I am hoping that the radiation therapy that I received will alleviate the severeness of the adverse effects that the radiation , drugs and cancer that now plague myself. After not being able to sleep , barely being able to swallow water , hardly being able to eat and being in excruciating pain for weeks I would say that the last few hours have been good. Not good enough to put on a smiley face yet , but comparatively good just the same. Having said that I have a bit of a “pet peve”. The advice that I received during the worst times over the last 40 or more so days was to keep increasing the pain medication. I cannot say for sure that this would be the case ,but my “gut instinct tells me that that had I kept increasing the amount of drugs during the worst of the suffering that I have had during this last downhill slide. that I would not be sitting here now and writing this down. I still feel like I am holding on by the tips of my fingers , but I now feel like I have my nails dug in. Maybe Tomorrow !!! I can write about something else other than the assault on my body ? Maybe tomorrow I can put on a smiley face?

1000 Hours Long

Sun. Oct 24 /10 The Song of The Day Is: "Higher Ground" by Stevie Wonder. Each day now feels like it is 1000 hours long. Most time's when I try do something. Anything! Prepare some food. Get washed . Pull the door open that is stuck a little so that I can let some fresh air in. Type a few words . Anything I try to do , I run up a against a wall , get dizzy ,and am unable to concentrate. I end up either carefully positioning my self on the hospital bed that the Red Cross so graciously provided , or pacing in circles in my small apt. These are the only two positions left that help me avoid choking to death. Had it not been for the hospital bed I would have expired days ago. Because of the position of the tumours I have been unable to lay down for over 40 days now.I can neither lay down on either side or on my back. 15 days prior to the 40 were spent (24/7 ) , pacing , standing in front of my kitchen sink , two hands up on the sink , supporting my self as I leaned forward , or propping myself up on some pillows in a semi sitting position and passing out. (this position I could only hold for 15 minutes to a maximum of 1hr and 15 minutes). For those 15 days however I was in excruciating pain.The hospital bed enabled me to rest in a sitting position.After those 15 days is when I finally succumbed to accepting and taking the debilitating medications that are provided by our medical system. I have to sacrifice lucidity , my ability to function anywhere near normal, my bowel and my digestive system in order to achieve some pain control. The drugs are extremely addictive and will assault the body with severe withdrawal effects if I wish to stop using them. Hmm ? These drugs came around at the turn of the last century (1800’s to 1900’s) , did the medical profession even know about hand washing then ? Even with the narcotics that are now providing some respite from my pain ,I would not be able to get ant rest without the hospital bed that enables me to put myself in the position of some comfort without having to support myself. Walking also provide some comfort.I have managed to drink a 1/2 of a cup of coffee. This coffee has probably given me the zip to write this . My right lung an right side feels like a large stone stuck in my chest .If I stretch or move the wrong way I start to choke. For the last 12 hours I have been tasting blood. I have gotten somewhat used to the constant state of panic that I am in. I attribute the sense of panic to the tumour that is blocking off my airway and is constantly compressing( or whatever it is doing in there) my airway . I’ll include here what one night is like for me lately. .! ( Oct. 22 /10 0230 Right at this moment I feel as if I am balancing on a wire. Tipping towards deaths door more so than tipping the other way. Breathing is difficult , as is concentrating on anything else but balancing on that wire.I keep trying to find positions to avoid choking. Dizziness is a constant companion. I wait for the bouts of pains to just start rearing their ugly heads in parts of my body so that I can medicate before they become debilitating. I am still trying to limit the amount of narcotics that I have to take ,hoping to stay as lucid as possible. I have to catch the pain before it become debilitating. If I wait till the pain becomes too severe , the medications will not be effective. Suddenly I can’t breath. I start getting dizzy and try to stave off the panic. I get up out of bed , stretch and contort my chest, I put two hands up onto the kitchen sink , trying to find a position that allows me to breath. Light headed , dizzy and unstable on my feet. I have a strong urge to panic until I can over come the chocking effect of the cancerous tumours.I think to myself , is it going to stop in time this time? The only thing that I can concentrate on is finding a position or moving in away that lets me breath . Laying down at this moment would be impossible. I would choke to death. ,Oct 24 /10 0432 . Another bout of choking . I paced and now am sitting hunched over , stretching out my right side so that I can continue pecking away at the keyboard. If there was a place to walk, or should I say waddle ( keeping moving while maintaining my upper body in a certain position) I would do so, as walking even though not comfortable is comforting. There is no place to walk now other than pacing because the winds that come every fall and winter have arrived. A healthy person would have trouble walking outside. (need a treadmill) . I went thought five more sessions of radiation therapy in Vancouver, I would have liked to have documented that experience , but putting pen to paper does not work for me anymore and there was no other means of keeping a physical record of what was happening. The oncologist say that the therapy will take a few weeks (if I hang on for that long) to have positive effect if it has any effects at all. The home-care nurses told me that the tumours will swell before they get better. This may explain why I am having so much difficulty from one minute to the next.There was little room for the tumours to swell prior to the therapy. The last day of the radiation therapy was on Tues .Oct 19/10 . I am only into the fifth day after the therapy. Right now it does not feel like I am going to be able to hang on . I keep my fingers crossed that the therapy will take effect. Two things have been instrumental in keeping me alive. One is the hospital bed . Without it ,being able to put myself in a position that I can rest for brief periods would be impossible. About 30 days ago ,I had to alternately stand or pace for 15 or so days and nights.Without the bed I would have succumbed to the exhaustion long ago. I still cannot lay down on either side , or on my back for more than 15 min, to 1 1/2 hours. The other thing that has kept me alive was discovering “enerex” GREENS raw supplement.Because of the choking I was unable to eat for days and was starving (I am not out of the woods on this one yet) . The supplement enabled me to get some nutrition. The “Ensure” and “Boost” just made me ill and caused the choking to become worse.These two things may sound simple. What scares me is that without them, I am sure that the exhaustion and malnutrition would have killed me sometime during the last month or so. Whenever I get the energy to move and concentrate for a bit ,I look into alternate cancer therapies. The conventional practice of poisoning the body with radiation and chemicals , although initially helpful in reducing the tumours should only be considered part of initial cancer therapy.One has to question if there should not be a more complete therapy . Many other cancer patients that I have spoken with and myself have had to stop and think. What is worse ? Dying or the therapy? With my cancer and the chemo that I experienced this was a question that I asked myself on more than one occasion. Doing things for the body that heal it afterwards are just as important as the chemo and radiation therapies. Diet ,supplements and movement are as important. As it stands poisoning the body and then abandoning the patient without any more support other than providing more drugs I am sure is responsible for many horrific deaths. Our medical system will spend 10s of thousands of dollars trying to help some one battling cancer as long as the therapy means that the money is spent on purchasing drugs. As it stands now I am living by the hour. I only seem to be able to concentrate on “hanging on” and as to how to take care of myself when there is little energy to do so. Either I am going to die at any moment , or I will be able to hang on for awhile longer , hoping that the radiation therapy has enough beneficial effects to keep me alive for awhile longer. Maybe tomorrow. Either way this is a horrible way to die. I'm still here though. Oct 24/10 0850

Sincerely

Sat.Oct.9/10 The Cancer: My body temp is 34.3 C. There has been not much of a break yet.The discomfort and pains still make their presence known as I try to control the symptoms from the cancer with the narcotics that the Dr’s prescribe and the nurses direct me to take. Too many variables. I have come to realize now that eating causes severe pain. I still cannot lay down for any length of time because of the pain. Even when I medicate to the point of passing out , within 40 minutes to an hour my eyes are open and I have to get up and pace . My movement has been restricted by fatigue , there just is no stamina.And I know that there will be consequences from too much movement. I guess God is deciding to take away the last 2 things that bring me a bit of comfort. Maybe 3 things ,Food , movement and I haven’t been able to get horny for awhile now. I am sure that by now my body is addicted to the drugs (opioid analgesics) . If I were to stop now I would have to suffer now from the symptoms of withdrawal along with the experiencing the full brunt of the pain. There has been no real sleep for close to 2 years now. The few weeks has gone to a whole new level , I lay down for 15 min to an hour , then I have to get up and pace. This is the only way that I can bear existing. Coming to the realization that eating causes severe problems frightens me a bit. I ask myself,how much longer will my body be able to continue on like this? One consolation is that pre diagnosis (Oct 2008), I was almost in as bad shape then as I am now. Then I forced myself to go to work . Climbing down a 70ft unprotected ladder into a hold of a ship , basically risking my life by operating a bulldozer in a confined area on an unstable surface that could overturn the machine very easily. If one was not on the ball one could be instantly killed.(It was enjoyable however) I thought that I was suffering from depression,the flu and had somehow cracked some ribs. Another time while having a confrontation with a group of people I did not sleep for 6 months, other than a cat nap for an hour or so each day. A dangerous and stressful business still had to be continued to be conducted each day. I know that the body can pushed far beyond what would be considered possible. This cancer though has taken me to the limit of my endurance. Unlike 2008 urgent chemotherapy is no longer an option for me. So the cancer grows. It is extremely difficult communicating with people whose main concerns are their house and what colour their next car should be. Or the people that have to relate everything that is going on to how the situation affects themselves. They cannot seem to fathom that they really aren’t of any consequence , and matter little . Unless they can put themselves aside and put themselves in another persons shoes ,their concern towards any aspect of life appears insincere. The same type of insincerity as when people ask “how are you today” and any answer other that “great” or “just fine” will bring looks of disapproval , especially if one is being honest. I realize that these little niceties are our little “tail wags” that help us get through our daily encounters with other people politely. Sometimes I think that it might be best just to get that nose right up the crotch and get to meat of matters . Because of the pain and discomfort I catch myself being guilty of this “being consumed by ME” much too often. I am not comfortable with what I consider my own selfishness. The pain , the discomfort and the fact that I will be dead soon tends to draw all of my attention inward. I do try to garner my strength and overcome this “fault” the best that I can. During the last 20 or so years I have had to endure some extreme physical abuses , and have had to put my life , freedom and resources on the line in order to survive and exist. If one was not forthright the consequences were severe. These previous experiences and the fact that every minute that I now have is precious are probably the reasons for my intolerance of the mundane and insincerity. I would like to not be guilty of behaving in this manner during my last days. I do appreciate good manners and people that are considerate towards others . Unfortunately for me, sincerity or insincerity exposes itself to me as blatantly as a light in a lighthouse window. “Mean what you say and say what you mean” might be a good motto for people to keep in mind when dealing with the “almost dead”. What is good ? I usually get to experience the good side of most people. I have always maintained that there is some good in everyone (except skinners , rats , most politicians and most cops). When people really try to be sincere, and try to bring out the good that is within them , I feel like I am basking in warm sunshine. I have been lucky that the majority of people that I have come across let me bask. They also inspires me to try to be more considerate and understanding towards other people. I do not like to admit it but I am no better than anyone else when it comes to this “me“ syndrome. I do keep trying to overcome however. If I last till next week I am supposed to get to Vancouver for Radiation treatment.(I have already had 5 previous sessions) .The doctors said that the are going to try to reduce some of the main mass. Hopefully opening up my airway some and possibly there will be less pain to deal with. I do not know if I will survive the trip , the radiation , or the 10 days in the city. I am physically , financially and emotionally drained . I will do the best that I can. I am hoping that if I make it through the treatment it will give me ,if not more time , some physical comfort. The Song Of The Day Is : Samba Pa Ti” By Santana - What scares me? I know that this is a battle that I will not only lose , but I will also have to suffer while I lose it.- What is there to look forward to? I know that on a personal level , some good can be wrung out of every situation. Maybe Tomorrow

Drugs,Drugs, Drugs

Thurs. Oct.7/10 The Song Of The Day Is “Miles From Nowhere” by Cat Stevens . 0530 Unfortunately I am living from one pill to the next. Fearful of the chemical haze that accompanies the effects of the pain killers . “Ox condone” A drug that was invented to take the place of heroin and morphine without the side effects. If one reads the research on this drug one realizes , that drug companies admit that they failed in achieving this . I imagine that the real thing doesn’t put the money in the right pockets. One does think however that they might have tried to eliminate the adverse side effects some time between 1916 and now. The cancer is now spreading quickly throughout my body. The cancer has become resistant to the chemo drugs and the cancer agency still has not given me a definite answer on whether or not I will be receiving more radiation treatment. Although the cancer has now doubled in size since my consultation on Sept. 7/10. I wanted to try an alternative therapy (Oleander extract). The extract works along the same lines as the chemotherapy. The extract is less expensive , less toxic and less dangerous than the chemotherapy drugs like etoposide ,cisplatin etc.. Since using this type of therapy puts the money into the wrong pockets,the extract so far has been unattainable and I am out of time. The gov’t and the drug companies just like the “CRACK DEALERS” on the street corners in the slums do not want anyone else sharing in their profits. The Gov’ts and drug companies are brutal and malicious in protecting their turf when it comes down to profits from the sale of their drugs. Gov't and pharmacutical companies are much more brutal than the bikers and the gangs that are also involved in trafficking. Just as lax in caring whether or not the drugs provide the effects that they are supposed to and just as lax as to whether or not the drugs are safe. As long as they get their money ,they have no concern whether the person gets any benefits from the drugs or dies from the drugs. It has been about 18 days now without any real rest at all. The only way that I can get any sleep according to our health care system is to chemically induce unconsciousness. I am going to include my notes that I provide for the “Home-care” service . Again their job is to oversee the administration of “DRUGS”. They are decent caring people . Unfortunately most of their training and objective revolves around pushing “DRUGS” that are supplied by dope dealers such as “Bayer ,Pfizer ,Abbot, Eli Lilly , Bristol -Meyers Squib, Merck etc. etc. . One has to remember that these companies have absolutely no concern for ones health. If they could get away with selling snake oil for profit they would. Regardless of how many people would be killed. Hell, drugs that they sell kill thousands every year and continue to sell products that they know kill people so that they can profit for as long as possible until the killing becomes too noticeable . Then they say “oops” , pull the product and “lawyer to death” anyone seeking any judgement and block all avenues that might provide the victims some recourse. I am grateful for all the people that I have met within our health-care system . Most are dedicated caring people. Health care has run amok however. Until the number one priority of our health care system is healing people ,we will continue receiving substandard and murderous medical care. Our gov’ts goal right now as far as our health care system is concerned is to generate as much profit as possible for the pharmaceutical companies. It is same malicious path that the gov’t has taken towards our service men and women. The Gov’t neither gives a dam about our sons and daughters dying oversees , and as to how they are looked after when they return home. I guarantee you there are gov’t officials and representatives that spend more money on an evening out with arms manufactures than they do looking after any one of our wounded sons or daughters after they come home from fighting a battle that is being waged to provide power and mega profits for a few. Gov’t officials have a total lack of respect for our forces. Ah ! But I digress. The hypocrisy of the way our society functions is maddening . There is some good in each individual (with the exception of politicians and cops , they have been brainwashed beyond repair into thinking that they actually have some moral ground to stand on) but generally we are greedy , selfish , murderous creatures . For some reason it takes a lot of effort to be honest , compassionate and caring towards other human beings and the world around us. Up until awhile ago I would try to do something unselfish and nice for someone each day. Maybe that is part of the reason that I am so frustrated right now. The dam drugs and the pain have me living by the hour . My only concern is to get some relief. If I manage to get past that for a bit my thoughts become consumed by “this torturous dying process”. The frustration comes from my inability to give anything back to our collective existence. Maybe Tomorrow? As I wrote earlier I am going to include some of the notes that I give to the “Home-care” workers. There are also charts that must be kept as to what medications are taken and when they are taken. I am not whining . I trying to show what consumes the few hours a day that are available to a person that will be dead soon from cancer. Knowing that I could die at any minute or any day soon also weights a bit on my mind. Not as much as one would think though ,as the time is consumed by dealing the symptoms caused by the tumours growing inside my body and the toxins that they constantly spew into me. Maybe somehow I can put a smile on my face today ? Maybe I’ll die today? Either one might make it a good day. Still trying to keep stroking ,slowly at best. Medications: Oct . 6 /10 first day on oxycodone Highlighted Oct .6 /10 1800 - at 1930 tried to lay down in new hospital bed , pain in right side 6/10 - **** pains 7/10 in liver area , there is NO increased pain when I palpate the liver area - face is flushed ,temp. 36.2 C - pain increases when I eat , especially in the area under the liver 2130 Tried to lay down , pain is to much in liver area and right shoulder and right side -I had some “boost” I am experiencing the pain after I ingest something Thurs. Sept 17 0320 -had to get up and out of bed (discomfort) 0330- took one oxycodone , o500 - been dizzy shaky , disorientated and not really functioning , I seem to be able to tolerate the pain for a bit but there is still pain there , side effects from the dope makes it difficult moving around and it is difficult functioning, I am sitting up and rocking. ( I don’t expect much more fro m a drug that was invented in 1916) - I don’t have the guts yet to try the methadone , I know that it is more addictive and has more adverse side effects than either morphine or heroin, Because of this opiate I am unable to move around and do any blight exercises , this means that I will have difficulty with bowel movements . Laxatives (senokot) presents serious discomfort for me and they do not always work . When I lay down the pains in my right side become severe but it is better than writhing in pain. The discomfort and pain in the area beneath my liver , I attribute to the medications and this pain has eclipsed the pains in the rest of my right side, Eating cause more discomfort in this area now. For brief moments I feel like I am going to fall off my chair , again I am pretty sure that this is an effect from the drugs that I am experiencing . Gonna try to get some sleep as soon as I feel confident enough to stand up.

I Knew

Oct.6 /10 The song of The Day Is : “Don’t Let It Bring You Down “ As Performed by : Neil “the seal” Young on 4 way street . Sometimes , you just know. I knew that this time was coming . It is my first day on my new “pain management program”. The pains that I knew were going to coming are here. God must want me to keep moving . Unless I medicate myself with oxycodone and methadone to the point of becoming unconscious I cannot lay down on my back or on either side of my body for more than 15 minutes to an hour. I have to get up and alternatively pace or sit and rock back and forth. I now have the added bonus of experiencing the unpleasant side effects from the drugs. There are a few brief moments of piece during the day , usually in the morning , but they too are fading fast. A new hospital bed was delivered today. I am grateful , but I am sitting here and I get to look at it for now. The positions available while on the bed do little for the pain. Severe pain is a funny thing . It becomes next to impossible to concentrate or contemplate anything else. I sit and wait for a respite and hope that during the interludes that I can maintain some lucidity and contemplate other aspects of existence other than dying. Time is slow. The tumours have doubled in size in the last month or so. The cancer has spread to my lymphatic system . Observing the behaviour of my body ,I wonder if the cancer has metastasized to my brain. From the way that my body moves and jerks around I am assuming that something is affecting my nervous system. I am going to keep trying to manage the pain and try to remain lucid , but I think that the cancer has a different agenda for me. Is there another day coming? How far can I push it ? Can I push it at all? Maybe , if I can get the discomfort and pain under control , I will get those precious moments when I can push my mind and contemplate other aspects of this journey towards my upcoming physical demise. Maybe Tomorrow ? Maybe there are no tomorrows left? Maybe I can paste a smile on my face. There are no answers that anyone can provide at this stage with any conviction. As to what happens next is only speculation on anyone else’s part. I think people confuse faith with fear of the unknown. When I look into someones eyes , they know that they are watching life ebbing out of my body. For everyone's good intentions I am grateful.

Towards The End

I just came back from the emergency dept at the hospital. I was hoping that the pain that I have been experiencing was from a collapsed lung or a serious infection. If it was either of the two then it could be fixed. No such luck. The tumour in my lung has doubled in size since a month ago. It now extends from my armpit to my spine. A new lump the size of a golf ball in my armpit tells me that the cancer has metastasized into my lymphatic system. Two weeks ago I discovered a new large lump in my armpit. When I palpated it . My face went white. I am assuming that I disturbed the toxins that the tumours produce . The toxins “grab” the nerves and squeeze. The pain : I can not lay down on either side or on my back for more than ½ hour or so without the pain becoming intolerable. I cannot lay on my back for any period of time without choking. I broke down and started taking pain medication 4 days ago. Even with the pain medication and after I pass out for awhile I cannot seem to lay down for more than an hour at a time. My body seems to react even when I am medicated and passed out . I involuntarily jump up from a lateral or prone position and am suddenly wide awake and have to get up and pace. This quite often happens on an hourly basis. The pressure on the tumors in certain positions is unbearabLe. Unfortunately laying down is one (or three) of those positions. If you could imagine someone trying to rip your shoulder blade off your body and then sticking a knitting needle into the flesh underneath and keep gyrating the needle in ones flesh and tissue. You could the understand some of the pains that I experience on a daily , hourly basis. Severe abdominal pains that leave me doubled over attack me nightly. One evening the pain was so severe that I was trying to touch my shoulders together behind my back in an involuntary gesture to find a position of less pain. All the while walking around the room as if I was trying to run away from the pain , tears streaming down my face.The doctor at the hospital also reiterated that choking to death on my own blood and or going blind deaf ,dumb and crippled can occur at any time. Choking to death is also a constant worry. Again I am not whining but documenting what it is like to be dying from small cell lung cancer. I have not been comfortable for one minute of one day for over two years now. There have been weeks when the discomfort and pain could only be described as torture. The severe pain has permanently set in and I will be going back to the hospital in a few hours to discuss pain control protocols. Up until a few weeks ago I have been good at dealing with the pain without medicating too often. I have been dreading this time coming up when I will have to be constantly medicated. Not only do I regret that I will lose my lucidity . I “just know” that now that I have to take pain killers on a daily basis that this is the beginning off a fast slide towards the end. As it stands now I am constantly wondering what the next few hours will bring. Now , that I have got all off that out of the way . I will still try to keep documenting what this experience of dying is like. The spiritual quest and any bits of wisdom or “stupidity” that should accompany my thoughts during this , my final journey on this earth. Who knows what or if anything comes next. Oh !!!! By the way God , if your out there ? put $10 into my bank acct., make my last days a bit more bearable. The acct. # is in my profile. The Song Of The Day Is : “OL 55” as performed by Tom Waits . I am trying to adjust to the latest developments. The spread of the cancer , the pain and the acceptance of how fast my life is now coming to an end. I will try to die with an open inquisitive mind , I will look for the good that I know that exists in all people , I will try to die with some dignity and try to give some strength back towards all that I know and deal with. Bye , Maybe Tomorrow.