I Knew

Oct.6 /10 The song of The Day Is : “Don’t Let It Bring You Down “ As Performed by : Neil “the seal” Young on 4 way street . Sometimes , you just know. I knew that this time was coming . It is my first day on my new “pain management program”. The pains that I knew were going to coming are here. God must want me to keep moving . Unless I medicate myself with oxycodone and methadone to the point of becoming unconscious I cannot lay down on my back or on either side of my body for more than 15 minutes to an hour. I have to get up and alternatively pace or sit and rock back and forth. I now have the added bonus of experiencing the unpleasant side effects from the drugs. There are a few brief moments of piece during the day , usually in the morning , but they too are fading fast. A new hospital bed was delivered today. I am grateful , but I am sitting here and I get to look at it for now. The positions available while on the bed do little for the pain. Severe pain is a funny thing . It becomes next to impossible to concentrate or contemplate anything else. I sit and wait for a respite and hope that during the interludes that I can maintain some lucidity and contemplate other aspects of existence other than dying. Time is slow. The tumours have doubled in size in the last month or so. The cancer has spread to my lymphatic system . Observing the behaviour of my body ,I wonder if the cancer has metastasized to my brain. From the way that my body moves and jerks around I am assuming that something is affecting my nervous system. I am going to keep trying to manage the pain and try to remain lucid , but I think that the cancer has a different agenda for me. Is there another day coming? How far can I push it ? Can I push it at all? Maybe , if I can get the discomfort and pain under control , I will get those precious moments when I can push my mind and contemplate other aspects of this journey towards my upcoming physical demise. Maybe Tomorrow ? Maybe there are no tomorrows left? Maybe I can paste a smile on my face. There are no answers that anyone can provide at this stage with any conviction. As to what happens next is only speculation on anyone else’s part. I think people confuse faith with fear of the unknown. When I look into someones eyes , they know that they are watching life ebbing out of my body. For everyone's good intentions I am grateful.