Longer Days

Dec. 27/09 The days are now getting longer as my time remaining grows shorter. I was on top of the cancer for awhile . I am no longer able to, nor was it possible to for me to contnuie my regime of diet, supplements and light activity. I was on to something however. The effect of the experimenting that I did with the combinations of diets and supplements surprised the oncologists. They told me to continue. I wish I could have. I remember that over a year ago , before I was diagnosed , that my body could sense the tumours in my right lung. I would constantly be reaching around my my back as if a presence was there. I would also catch myself reaching up palpating the area on my chest where the largest tumour was progressing. When I was in the hospital being diagnosed, I could direct the DR. to the placement of her finger to a spot on my back exactly to where the tumour was lieing underneath my flesh and inside my lung. The other major symptom is the obvious fatigue. The fatigue however is a tricky, sneaky customer. It secretes its debilitating poison slowly each day with the occasional unexplainable wallop from which one never really fully recovers. Unless someone else is there to point out the downhill slide , the fatigue can be explained away and denied for quite some time. One finds oneself saying, I am just getting older, maybe it is my diet, maybe it is deppression, maybe it is lack of exersise. One can keep on explaining away the fatigue unitill you find yourself saying to youself “I just can’t take this anymore”. The body knows that it is being killed and is trying to let the victim know. What is unfortunate with the extensive stage small cell lung cancer is that by the time the symptoms are noticeable the survival rate is 6 months to a year at best with aggressive therapy. Without therapy life expectancy is measured in weeks.Small cell lung cancer is incureable.My cancer was diagnosed as extremely aggressive and at an advanced stage of extensive stage small cell lung cancer. The oncologists would not even go out on a limb and say that I would be around for the next 30 days when I was diagnosed a year ago last Oct. I almost died a few times. It has been been 14 months since I was diagnosed. I went walking by and in the ocean. I was excerising and had a sense of well being at times and the cancer was not growing much. The Drs can’t tell where the small cell cancer is metastasising to until the cancer has firmly entrenched itself and is visible with the use of the available diagnostic imaging. Since I had to stop my regime that has all has changed. I can feel something going on in my left lung, in my armpits and have unexplainable head aches. The insidious presence in the arm pits probably means that the cancer has progressed to my lymphatic system. The pain and debilitating fatigue are present 5 out of 10 days. I wish that I could have continued on with my regime of diet, supplements and exersise , I am prove that the small cell lung cancer can be held at bay for quite awhile. As soon as I had to stop my regime, the downhill slide and the proggresion of the cancer is noticeable. For others, pay attention to what the body is saying to you. If you really feel that something is wrong do not let the doctors dismiss the symptoms or mask the symptoms with drugs. I mean if there is something wrong, make the medical profession do something about it, masking the symptoms does nothing to cure any disease. Pain management is a different subject. Pharmaceutical drugs are much more dangerous than illegal street drugs. I am not saying that “tongue in cheek” it is simply true. For cancer, the diet and supplements make a 100% difference in the both the progression of the disease and the quality of life. All other cancer patients that I have talked to have confirmed this (the diet and supplements not the next part). Relying on the advice and treatment of only modern medicine in the case of cancer is a death sentence. To the people dealing with a person with a terminal disease. The cruellest things that a person can do to a terminally ill patient ,although unintentional , is to make the patient discuss all their symptoms and diagnosis in detail over and over again , the say things like “ I got a feeling that your case is different” , “maybe a miracle will happen” , “oh I heard that … “ . The last thing that terminally ill patient needs to go through is , describing the symptoms over and over again, thus reliving them over and over. Also the terminally ill have a difficult time enough dealing with their own initial denial of accepting the fact that they will die soon. Do not make them have to deal with your denial of the fact that they will soon be dead. Although unintentional, making a terminally ill person deal with other person’s denial is cruel and demeaning. Taking care of oneself while dealing with a terminal disease is an exhausting 24/7 job. The body becomes one’s prison cell on death row. Each day becomes more difficult and there are few highs. It takes a lot of work and effort for one to bring one’s mood up out of the doldrums. The changes to the body, when depression combines with pain, can make the hours go by like stinging months. Try to remember when you were a child and how slow time could pass . Time can slowed down and mired in misery for the terminally ill . It takes a lot of work and effort to overcome this state. I am sad that I had to stop looking after myself but in a weird way , although scary, it is a bit comforting to know that this development will bring me closer to the end. It is just way to difficult and demeaning having to deal with acquiring the means to survive on a daily basis. The uncertainty takes its toll and there is no time or energy left to fight the disease. Gotta try to "get into the positive" now for a bit. The song of the day is; ”The Weight” by The Band

Almost New Years Day

Fri. Dec 25/09 The Song of The day is : “Miles From Nowhere” by Cat Stevens In a rounda bout way I am glad that the Americans banned his music from beeing played . The result has been than the music was never overplayed. Any music that had any artistic integrity , had the misfortune to apeall to the masses would soon be overplayed by the media to the point of becoming irritating. Then it would be used to sell cars or toilet paper. Neil Young was one of the few popular artists from the sphere of musical influence in my time that did not self-defaecate on his own artistic endevours. Hypocracy in the nth degree lies in the fact that Cat Stevens music was banned. How does a people and country that purports to stand for Democracy , Equality for all , and Free speech justify banning an artists (in this case totally innocuous music) work simply because some groups do not like the way the artist thinks. For that matter why should anyone person or group have the power to decide what can or cannot be said or thought in a supposed free and democratic society. Stalin and Hitler were smiling at that development. The sad part is is that the majority of our fellow human beings south of the 49th do not even realize that they are the most brainwashed society on the planet and live under a corporate dictatorship. I in no way take away the good things that have been achieved by the many fine people and minds that reside there. They have to realize that they live in an autocratic state and stop exporting their jingoistic madness while they still have friends that are not just there for them because they have a gun in their back. I hope everyone enjoys the song as much as I did. The Cancer; last night was horrific. I remmember when my mother was in palliative care she would always complain about how unconfortable her feet were. I can remmember her posture while she was lying in the hospital bed . I now know what she was going through. Nevermind that there is no real sleep. Sleep is just one long subconscious panic? attack after the other. I am afraid to close my eyes but eventually exhaustion takes over. When I do come too , the body is all twisted and tense . The muscles in my legs are in a fixed and contracted state. The feet are flexed and curled in on themselves and very painful. I am sure that in her morphine inflicted state that she was trying to communicate that there was still unbearable pain in her feet. The backs of the legs are so tensed up that it feels like a separate presence inflicting the pain. For myself when the exhaustion takes over I get a few minutes of relative relief. The minutes are hours . I have stopped or rather not bothered with all the logisticts that it takes to eat much. My diet and concoctions were working and the oncologists were surprised at the positive results.The diet has to be worked on in steps and cannot be started and stopped. I heartily suggest it for other cancer patients with the means to do so. I am living of of heavily sugared coffee and a bit of oatmeal(and some cigs) each day . I get a few hours of relative comfort this way. The rest of the day and night is restless pacing within 400 sq. ft. interjected with laying down when exhaustion takes over . The logistics and means required and acquiring the necessary items just have not been there , I lived by the day and tried to build up on the succeses from the effects of diet , supplements and movement each day. The oncologist’s were astonished. People are well intentioned . We do all live our lives in the light of our own intentions. Unfortunaly , or perhaps fortunately , the break and deviation from my program has been too long now. I no longer have the energy, nor do I wan’t to lose anymore dignity chasing the means to survive and live. The new year is almost here. God didn’t show up either. Now that I got that all out . Maybe another cup of coffee with give me enough of a boost for me to click my heals. I have stopped waiting for tommorows and am pretty sure that there is not much on the other side. 0908 My main objective now is to maintain some dignity while the body withers. Bye for Now. “A Whiter Shade of Pale” by Procol Harem seems like a fitting song at this time.

One Way or The Other

Tues. Dec. 22/09 The Morning: It has been a long time. I made it down to the beach this morning. The tide is always in during the day this time of year. This morning the sky is clear and the ocean is calm. It is probably just my imagination , but as I walked down a 10 ft decline onto the beach about 25 sea lions all had their heads popped out of the water. They were 30 ft from the shore. I was 3ft from the water as I walked along the beach to sit on a fender log that had been lost from a log boom. They were looking directly at me . I am sure that they can hear the wave rounded rocks grinding under each step that I take . I made a clicking sound with my mouth, the same sound that I had made all summer when I approached this sea lion colony. I tried to appear as non threatening as I could , sat down on the washed up log.The heads of the sea lions closest to me came higher out of the water as one at the back of the pack started to do flips , it’s whole body coming out of the water and somersaulting. The clouds across the strait were hanging half way down the mountains on the mainland. I felt like this whole scene was a private show put on just for me. The Rant: I did not say any prayers like I usually do if I make it to the beach early in the morning. I have some issues with the big guy/girl that need to be resolved before this knee bends again. Even though I am precariously close to my physical demise I am sticking to my guns. If I can do something good for someone , are the good intentions more , or less genuine if one believes , or if one does not? One could argue that a good deed is more genuine coming from a non- believer. It is coming directly from unselfish intentions. A believer on the other hand gives , because god or religion is telling them to . If Gods well designed human nature kicks in , greed , mans strongest instinct must be playing a role. The believers moral backbone, shaped by an outside influence ,God or religion , performs good deeds because their faith tells them too and with the hope of gratification in the afterlife.This is just selfishness by another name. I look at history and at the events happening now. Murder ,torture , disgusting misery , loss of freedom , all done in Gods name and with God on both sides . From the inquisitions to the present Muslin Christian religious war causing suffering right now. Dammit God , your going to have to explain why the human race has not socially progressed one iota , and quite possibly regressed since we lit the first fire somewhere in a cave. Bands of roving chimpanzees treat their fellow kind better than we treat each other. The most ruthless, self serving and greedy in our society are considered the most successful. I cannot be dishonest with myself when I am so close to dying. The Cancer: My cancer is doing just fine. I wish I could say the same for myself. New and different symptoms and pains every few hours. My outward appearance is not a good indicator of the boiling cauldron inside my body. Parts of my body go numb while other parts misbehave and still others are in pain. Maybe, because the main tumour and some of the others are so close to my spinal column that strange pains and numbness seem to come and go with no rhyme or reason. My main discomfort has been in my midsection . I have learnt to deal with all but the most dire symptoms caused by the tumours in my lung. I have told the DR.s over and over about this but they seem unconcerned. This discomfort is pretty well present all the time. I went for a full CT scan last week , I guess they wait till the cancer is visible in other parts of the body before they do anything. (although one dr says there is nothing more that they can do then on the next visit a dr tells me that they might consider more chemotherapy while the pervasive attitude is ``well your still alive``) I know that when they do my autopsy that they will say, ``holy shit ,no wonder the guy was suffering so much , it should have been obvious``. There is no way that something that causes enough pain to keep me either rolled up in a ball ,tears streaming down my face , or have to remain standing continually for 5 days and nights to bear the pain should be able to go undetected. That was just the last time . Once this last summer it lasted for 15 days. Well, 3 more days till xmas , I should be grateful as I was not supposed to come close to living this long. If there is a God, Dammit , go one way or the other. I appreciate the moments of beauty and comfort that I do get ,however brief , but I am human and the body can take only so much. I do not want the pain and discomfort to make me cynical about everything before I die. I am sure that that is one of the psychological side effects of constant fatigue and pain. The Song Of The Day Is : ``It Takes a lot to Laugh, It Takes a Train to Cry`` by B. Dylan Is there peace on the other side ,or just a different version of the same?

Thank You

Ullala : Thank You for following. I have not been well enough to write lately but will try soon.

Smiley Faces

Thurs. Dec .17/09 The Quote of The Day Is. “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live” by Norman Cousins The Song of The Day is Tracy Chapmans “For My Lover” I stumbled across this song the other day and remembered how good this song was and is. I think that the cancer is doing well as I am not. I am in debilitating pain for more days during the week than I am not. I am back to strong coffee and a few cigarettes in the morning rather than stretches and light exercises. They help the mind but I am sure do little for the body. The bodies familiarity with the early morning regime I hope will bring some regularity. ( My I digress). I had established a good frank rapport with my oncologist . On a previous visit I had brought her and the nurses some pictures of the beach in the front /back? yard. In one of the pictures I have an unlit cigarette. Being a trained observer , she noticed. She has left on maternity leave ,so the last visit that I had with her really was the last visit with her. During that visit , and on most previous visits , she was refreshingly frank yet extremely caring and in my opinion very competent. She said to enjoy the things that I enjoy NOW ! and whenever I am able to . She said that it is doubtful that smoking a few cigarettes will have much affect on my life at this stage . (We can inhale exhaust fumes and toxic discharges , live under high voltage lines , drink and ingest a myriad of cancer causing chemicals , fill our homes with toxic emitting furnishings , eat food that has been stripped of its nutritional value and covered with poisons , modified without any regard towards peoples health but rather the need of the industries. Then people have the audacity to look down on someone smoking even while they are pissing in their own jar of pickles) She also told me to pay attention to my cravings( a bit of an odd thing to say considering most doctors look at a patient the same way an auto mechanic looks at a car).I will miss her as a doctor , and somewhat as a confidant. It does bring me joy that she is bringing in a new life as I am leaving. It must be a difficult career that she has chosen , knowing that every one of her patients is on their way out . Personally I am glad that she did choose it , and respect her ability to deal with what must be an emotionally demanding profession. I wish her and her newborn well. Tomorrow I am back to being poked , prodded ,poisoned , X-rayed , bled and CTed. The affect of imported American administrative protocols that the Canadian health care system started to implement as early as the late seventies has started to have a SNAFU affect from the get go. I was sent two totally conflicting set of instructions as to how to prepare for the one test. There was needless blood work requested and if I follow the wrong instructions the test results would be compromised. I guess I am venting .With only a few half decent hours a day I do not want to use them up in hospital dept’s straightening out procedural errors. When I think about it , it probably wont make a lick of difference in my life expectancy but would have caused a lot of unwarranted pain and discomfort. American Corporate Communists should stick to brainwashing and fleecing their own citizens and not export their misery to free and democratic societies that still have some vestige of free speech and social conscience. ( I am referring to how our medical bureaucracy spends untold millions on implementing American administrative techniques rather than patients in need of medical attention.) American logic , The Saudis bomb new york , well invade some other country that had nothing to do with it. People need money spent on medical attention , hell , spend the money on management programs designed to give people less care. Why on earth take advice from a country that neglects its children and elderly , and dumps its poor and sick on the side of the road to die. I have a few relatively comfortable hours in the morning , by early afternoon I am shaky and exhausted , by the evening I want to crawl out of my skin. I have noticed that I have become frustrated with the constant complications and physical deterioration . At times I become juvenile and come close to throwing childish tantrums aimed at inanimate objects. This behaviour further frustrates and is demeaning. I try my best to overcome this negative behaviour. It has been well over a year now facing death , almost dying numerous times , the complications and pain are present on an ever increasing basis , both in severity and frequency. I am sure that this has had a negative effect on my “mental” state , it keeps getting more difficult to put on that smiley face. I hope that I do not adversely affect the few people that I do come into contact with. The last new round of pain an complications had me ready to pack it in. I am still dealing with gov’t bureaucrats . I imagine that my beneficiaries will be happy with the results further on down the road . That brings me some piece of mind. I stopped praying , stopped taking my supplements , have let the fridge go empty , stopped exercising and am still not sure if I will go see the oncologist after my tests tomorrow. If the will to survive does not kick in soon I will decide whether or not to keep on keeping on. Tired ,tired , tired. I am grateful however for all the good intentions that people have had towards me. For those few , I hope that they never have to experience what I have gone through. For the other malicious greedy types , well , they can kiss my sweet Lithuanian ass . I really do not wish anyone anything ill , but it does feel good to get that out. On that note I believe that I have come full circle back to the quote by Norman Cousins at the beginning of this dribble “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live” . Bye For Now Gotta get into the positive !