One Way or The Other

Tues. Dec. 22/09 The Morning: It has been a long time. I made it down to the beach this morning. The tide is always in during the day this time of year. This morning the sky is clear and the ocean is calm. It is probably just my imagination , but as I walked down a 10 ft decline onto the beach about 25 sea lions all had their heads popped out of the water. They were 30 ft from the shore. I was 3ft from the water as I walked along the beach to sit on a fender log that had been lost from a log boom. They were looking directly at me . I am sure that they can hear the wave rounded rocks grinding under each step that I take . I made a clicking sound with my mouth, the same sound that I had made all summer when I approached this sea lion colony. I tried to appear as non threatening as I could , sat down on the washed up log.The heads of the sea lions closest to me came higher out of the water as one at the back of the pack started to do flips , it’s whole body coming out of the water and somersaulting. The clouds across the strait were hanging half way down the mountains on the mainland. I felt like this whole scene was a private show put on just for me. The Rant: I did not say any prayers like I usually do if I make it to the beach early in the morning. I have some issues with the big guy/girl that need to be resolved before this knee bends again. Even though I am precariously close to my physical demise I am sticking to my guns. If I can do something good for someone , are the good intentions more , or less genuine if one believes , or if one does not? One could argue that a good deed is more genuine coming from a non- believer. It is coming directly from unselfish intentions. A believer on the other hand gives , because god or religion is telling them to . If Gods well designed human nature kicks in , greed , mans strongest instinct must be playing a role. The believers moral backbone, shaped by an outside influence ,God or religion , performs good deeds because their faith tells them too and with the hope of gratification in the afterlife.This is just selfishness by another name. I look at history and at the events happening now. Murder ,torture , disgusting misery , loss of freedom , all done in Gods name and with God on both sides . From the inquisitions to the present Muslin Christian religious war causing suffering right now. Dammit God , your going to have to explain why the human race has not socially progressed one iota , and quite possibly regressed since we lit the first fire somewhere in a cave. Bands of roving chimpanzees treat their fellow kind better than we treat each other. The most ruthless, self serving and greedy in our society are considered the most successful. I cannot be dishonest with myself when I am so close to dying. The Cancer: My cancer is doing just fine. I wish I could say the same for myself. New and different symptoms and pains every few hours. My outward appearance is not a good indicator of the boiling cauldron inside my body. Parts of my body go numb while other parts misbehave and still others are in pain. Maybe, because the main tumour and some of the others are so close to my spinal column that strange pains and numbness seem to come and go with no rhyme or reason. My main discomfort has been in my midsection . I have learnt to deal with all but the most dire symptoms caused by the tumours in my lung. I have told the DR.s over and over about this but they seem unconcerned. This discomfort is pretty well present all the time. I went for a full CT scan last week , I guess they wait till the cancer is visible in other parts of the body before they do anything. (although one dr says there is nothing more that they can do then on the next visit a dr tells me that they might consider more chemotherapy while the pervasive attitude is ``well your still alive``) I know that when they do my autopsy that they will say, ``holy shit ,no wonder the guy was suffering so much , it should have been obvious``. There is no way that something that causes enough pain to keep me either rolled up in a ball ,tears streaming down my face , or have to remain standing continually for 5 days and nights to bear the pain should be able to go undetected. That was just the last time . Once this last summer it lasted for 15 days. Well, 3 more days till xmas , I should be grateful as I was not supposed to come close to living this long. If there is a God, Dammit , go one way or the other. I appreciate the moments of beauty and comfort that I do get ,however brief , but I am human and the body can take only so much. I do not want the pain and discomfort to make me cynical about everything before I die. I am sure that that is one of the psychological side effects of constant fatigue and pain. The Song Of The Day Is : ``It Takes a lot to Laugh, It Takes a Train to Cry`` by B. Dylan Is there peace on the other side ,or just a different version of the same?