Spilt Soup

Dec 15 / 10 I make a cup of soup sit down in front of my computer .I open my eyes , I am sitting , leaning forward with my forearms on top of my legs . My hands still holding the cup , it’s contents spilt onto the floor in front of me. I do not know how long I have been sitting here in this position. Tonight it will be a chore to make from my chair to the kitchen sink. The last day and evening have been spent in excruciating pain while I precariously cling to life. It has taken me 3 hours to write this. To myself and to those that I d know and have ever known. Soon we will not even be a memory in my mind. I will not even remember who you are nor what I am. Aside from the suffering what bothers me is “wasted time”. If I am here tomorrow I will try to write more. BYE

Passing Out

Dec.9/10 The Song Of The Day Is: “Stuck Inside A Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again” By Bob Dylan This is ridiculous and frustrating. I am too ill and too tired to write anything that makes much sense . I try and I try. The thoughts are in my head . I try to put them down on paper. The next thing I know , I am awakened by my head hitting my computer desk or my body hitting the floor as I pass out and fall out of my chair. It has taken me 3 hours to write these few lines . I am constantly passing out. The cancers are now quickly eating away at my body , consuming all of my energy and causing me excruciating pains as the earth draws me into it’s bosom. I cannot remember the last time that I slept. On the other hand I the last time that I passed out was 45 seconds ago,. I am going to try to live for another day. I have so much to say , but this clinging to life takes up most of my time and energy .BYe

I Just Can't

. Nov 8 / 10 0550 PST I have been sitting here since 0300 PST .Trying to write some. uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu woops!!!!! I have been nodding in and out of consciousness since then. I am not taking more meds than are recommended so I do not think that it is the effects of the narcotics that affecting me in this way. I have thoughts in my brain but they can‘t seem to make their way down my arms , into my fingertips and on to the keyboard. I have been trying for over 6 hours now to write something and I will be dammed if I give up before at least some thought get put down on paper. The pains are particularly bad today, I think that I am starting to go blind also. In just can’t. No matter how hard I try to write I just can’t. I just keep passing out. If I am still amongst the living later, I will try again. BYE

BYE

Nov. 7/10 The state that I have been in lately really has bekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo been like being lost in a tortuous state of oooooooooooooooooooooool limbo. Hangin onto life. Drifting in and out of life while spending more time with death each day , more time dead than alive. My fingers sometimes cannot press down on the keys as drift in and out of conscious, The long proccesion of “o “ s are my finger stuck on top of the keyboard during moments when I am truly dead for awhile. (so they are staying in) . I can’t see hanging on for much longer . BYE toriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Is This Part Of Dieing"

Mon. Dec. 6 /10 The Song Of The Day Is “FEELS LIKE RAIN” as done by Aaron Neville(what a magnificent performance) I cannot remember the last time that I slept. I can not remember the last time that I lay down for more than an hour. I type two words . I pass out while sitting,.Some times I drift of to that other place. I type two more words …! There has been no sleep for days and days now. I am trying to write , but I just keep on drifting in and out of consciousness. I am getting a bit scared , but not as much as one would think one should. Is this part of dieing??? “Somethings gotta give” soon. 9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

10 minutes

, Dec 5/10 2401 PDT In another 10 minutes it will be God’s day. If he decides to let me continue on. For the last1 hour ½ I have been sitting here . Passing out . Coming too, shaking my head , then passing out again. I erase the pages of the single letter that appear before me, (the last key that my finger was on before I passed out). II just keep waking , passing out then waking again. I can barely stand and am passing out every few minutes . Maybe this is my dying time. I will try to write later when I am bit lucid . I am in and out of consciousness every few minutes now. BYE

HUMBLED

Dec.4 /10 0525 PST. The Song Of The Day Is: “For Crying Out Loud” BY Meatloaf ( just a pretty song), I am seeing double . Again I type two or so words . I have a sip of coffee . Then I pass out . Maybe for a couple of minutes , sometimes longer. I am going to try monopolize on this and attempt o get some sleep while sitting. I cannot remember when I slept last. Thank God for the view outside my window . Thank God for painting a sunrise on the horizon that oozes and drips beauty. There is comfort in being privileged enough to witness the colourful show that nature puts on each morning. One of natures major stars always makes an appearance for the morning show. For the longest time my body has been overwhelmed with constant suffering . I am grateful for the change .To be overwhelmed and humbled the magnificence of the show that nature puts on each morning. I am also grateful that I am alive for another day. Today I will dream about beautiful women to get through the day, BYe

Opinions

Fri. Dec. 3/10 1710 The Song Of The Morning Is: “Theme From Alamo Bay” by Ry Cooder. The Resting pulse is 104 bpm . I have been sitting , or I should say passed out in front of my computer since this morning. It is now 1736. I still keep passing out after typing a word or two. I do not notice passing out, I do wonder if I will keep coming back. At least I am getting a rest of sorts .It is now 1816 , I cannot type more than 2 words before I pass out. I ’ll go make a cup of coffee.( Whoaaaaa!!!!!! I’m awake now, A pain just shot through my upper body. I feel like someone just shoved a knitting needle in to my R shoulder and continued to shove it through my chest and into my left shoulder. Like being skewered .) Sometimes I wonder how I will be remembered . Then there are times when I contemplate what will my opinion be? What will be my opinion be regarding the people that I know at the moment when I draw my last breath. What will I think of them , when I travel on , and start my journey on the other side. Will my opinion matter on the other side?????

Short Road

Dec, 3 /10 .0300 PST. The Song of The Day Is: “Angel” by Ritchie Havens. ( give it a listen , it’s beautiful) I started to have difficulty swallowing a few hours ago. This was accompanied with bouts of choking. If I have to stop eating , I will be dead fairly quickly. I notice my behaviour . I am writhing .My hands shake , I twitch . My mouth droops . Put this all together and boy do I look stupid. I found new lumps last week , Doctors were seen and CT scans were done . The pains and symptoms are escalating daily. My heart rate has been over 100 beats per min, for well over a week now . The ways that the cancers that are invading and assaulting my body are numerous and would require too much energy to describe them. It has been a long , long , long time that the effects of the cancer have been severe. It has been a long , long time that I have been reduced to begging. It has been along, long time that I have been without a vehicle. Although I like where I am , I feel like a prisoner not having transportation. This makes my world tortuously small. No one should have to feel this way during their last days. My time is and has been short. Days and weeks have been wasted just waiting to get around. C’est la vie!!!!. I had got my hopes up that I might get some relief from radiation therapy. Yesterday I was informed that I would not be getting anymore radiation therapy. I cannot help but think that if I was the “Premier” that more therapy would be available for me. I am probably right. I have been on the painful ugly road towards death. I have endured assault upon assault on my body. Right from the first cycle of chemo , no therapy other than the radiation treatment I received about a year and ½ ago has worked. I tried hard and suffered for it. It is no ones fault , but disappointment piled upon disappointment has worn me . The road towards death that is left to travel is short now . It is ugly and is getting uglier by the day. My bucket list remains without any lines crossed off. Cest La Vie. My goal now is to try to get through the day. Remind myself that there is still room for me to be grateful . Maybe I can still leave something good behind when I go soon. Bye

Maybe Now

Dec. 2 /10 The Song OF The Day Is: “To Close/On my Way To Heaven” BY Mavis Staples The pain has escalated to the point that I will soon have to pack it in. Pain meds do not work. I tried to express to people as to how quickly things were going to deteriorate. No one has been or is capable of this concept . Nor does anyone seem capable of grasping how tenuous my grip on life is. No one is anyone stepping up to help to the degree that is necessary. I am on the verge of unconsciousness from the pain meds. The meds provide little relief while the pains prevent me from getting any rest. My oncologist is in the process of scheduling emergency radiation treatment in an attempt to provide some relief. I sit or pace . Lying down is impossible. While I try to write I sit here and shake. My head in my hand . I pass out from exhaustion . My head hits my desk . My head hitting the desk and the pains awaken me .Then I type a few words. All the time my pulse is racing. It is in this state that I have to try to raise funds , book a flight , find accommodation etc . etc. … I am living by the minute . I just went through all of this a few weeks ago., This is the spot where I might just die. I might just die very soon . Slumped over this keyboard. I always knew that I was going to die alone while in pain . I am done begging for the help . It is just too hard . Maybe this is a good time to die. The Song That Is On My Mind Now Is:  "Starry Starry Night" BY Don Mclean

Whomever she/he is?

Dec. 1 /10 0200 PST The Song Of The Day Is “Miles From Nowhere” by Cat Stevens. Whomever she/he is ? God? Has given me another day , “well” so far. I never know if I am going to make through another day. I have had to daily increase my pain med’s . They no longer work very well. I have doubled the dose within the last few days. The pain is dulled some . Compared to two days ago ,twice the dose of the pain med’s bring ½ of the relief. I am exhausted as there has been little rest for quite awhile now. A CT scan was done yesterday . I hope that it shows that the cancer that is causing most of the pain , is in a part of my body that can be radiated again . I can feel /sense the cancer progressing hourly now. The worst pain feels like something is trying to rip and tear my right shoulder area away from the rest of my body. God must want me to die standing . Laying down in any position for more than 1 hour is impossible. I still say a prayer of “thank you for another day”. The suffering makes it a bit difficult sometimes . Sometimes I just cry. I don’t mean to , but I just do. I wish that I could write something that touches someone in a such a way as to inspire them to treat their fellow woman/man in such a way as to make their little bit of the world just a little better. I hope that , in my own small way , that I have made this world just a touch better before I leave shortly. Time is quickly running out for me to do much. Bye