She's waiting for me to come on in for a swim?

Sun. Nov. 22/09 0600 I try to get out for walks on the beach. Sometimes I just fall down. I do not know why. The beach is secluded. I get worried but curiously attracted . Worried that if I fall down and can’t get back up before the tide comes back in that I will be swept away into the Ocean. Curious as to what it would be like to be swept up by the tide a drift out into the ocean. the The Dr.s seem unconcerned about treating any complications that I have . They seem to be mainly concerned with only one of the tumours . The largest , and the one considered most likely to cause my death. My balance and eyesight has started to go along with numerous other maladies( coughing up blood and a different pain in a different spot daily and sometimes hourly). There are to many too remember . I try to concentrate on one pain and one complication at a time. There are getting to be too many coming at me at once now . I guess that the chemo weakened all the systems in my body . These complications or a long swim is what I think will kill me. I do not want to go on “the morphine sleep ,deteriorate and die in a haze”. I watched my mother do this , I now know that it was cruell and she said as much. I am experiencing another brand new pain (maybe God is testing out his/her new lines on me, how to make people suffer for 2010) since yesterday afternoon. This one has me worried because it is in the chest and around my heart. I know. I know that there are people who read this and say “Why Doesn’t he just F/O and die already”. If these pains in the chest continue, today may be the day. Usually the first few hours of the day are semi-enjoyable .With another, another new pain and complication that is no longer the case. Things seem to start out bad and go down hill from there.I will keep on kepping on as long as I can.

0200 Rant

Sat. Nov.21/09 0200 This sitting alone , waiting to die is just plain cruel. I have not been in a state of comfort for over 2 years now. It drains one emotionally , mentally and physically. I’ll wait to see what the next hour brings , that seems like an eternity away. My health , living conditions and uncertainty about how to get by , I sense , are not going to take a turn for the better. 0220 Tick Tock . I will try all the tricks that I know to pull out of this state. “Normys” (people with normal health) , that experience stresses and illnesses are in a position to remedy the situations that are stressing them out and recover from their illnesses , usually within a few days. Imagine getting a severe flu , it does not go away , it lasts for a week, then a month , then a year, month after month each day draining the life out of you , you know that it never will go away and you know that it is going to kill you soon. Top that off with the inability to actually do anything if you wanted to. The humiliation of losing your independence. Good Morning , put a smile on your face, be stoic , sit , wait to die.
0600 A Dark Day -------- Life gets confusing when you no longer live for tomorrow because you have few left. Can’t live for tomorrow , no means to live for the day. Feels like a dog run over by a car and left on the side of the road to die. Due to European background , the love and celebration of good food and the feeling of camaraderie and conversation that comes with the breaking of bread with others was always a treat that I used to look forward too. God has done it again , given on the one hand and taking it away with the other at the same time. A family has extended their hospitality for me to join them at the dinner table. Regrettably I no longer look at food as enjoyment. Not only do I require a diet that that helps fight cancer , a plate of food can , and has left me writhing in pain for hours , days or as one case weeks. After which it takes days of careful eating habits and/or fasting to recover. Where others see plate of delicious food lovingly prepared I see a plate of possible pain. As far as the camaraderie goes, anyone that is knowledgeable about PTSD knows that the company of others although desirable can be excruciatingly uncomfortable. God presents another “catch 22“. Being a realist I am aware of where the commitment stops with people that say they are concerned and care. Words like medals for war heroes , although nice do not do pass as currency in the reality of living. Kinda like getting screwed by a whore and not achieving orgasim. Nice gesture but your still kinda fuc..d ,broke and no better off than before. I am going to try to put a smile on my face and continue on. Now where did I leave that box of smiles. There is one source of inspiration. There is a young girl that has a serious medical problem. Her laughter and bouancy are inspirational. I wish that couldI tap into her good cheer and naivety. Although Iam sure she has her moments of horror also. It does feel a little bit better to get all that out , this is my only outlet. I do not want to bring the darkness that I have to live with too anyone that I know. Considering that I spend 99.9% of my time alone there is not much danger of that. I am not afraid of dying but I am not ready to go like that dog on the side of the road. Gotta Get Into The Positive

Sweet Dreams

Fri. Nov. 20/09 Stopped coughing up blood and I am back to only having one pain (5/10) and a fatigued flu like feeling. If I could stay on the straightaway of this emotional roller coaster I will consider this a good day. This machine is my only companion , aside from walks in the rain my only available pastime. I should be gratefull , most of the time I am . Selfish as I am , I would have liked to have been in the position to do a few things for myself during my last days. Right now I am laughing at the absurdity of my situation. If this is God’s plan I hope he double checks my itinerary and finds an error. One aspect of human nature that I have noticed is that we have a limited amount of compassion and understanding for those in less fortunate situations than ourselves. I do understand this . We can be lifted up or dragged down by the people around us. I am sure that there is a primeval respone wired into our survival instincts that make us want to avoid the sick and dying. There lies the hypocrisy ! People’s assessment of themselves as being kind and caring has to be revaluated. There are very few people that actually perform according to standard of their own moral code. Most presented with a situation that requires more action than talk, run, then hide until they figure out either how to avoid the situation or somehow justify their inaction. Whichever way the hypocrisy scars the soul .We begin to realize that each test inflicts another scar , but deepens our understanding of our humanism if we choose to keep our eyes open. Caring only lasts for a short while, and only if there is not much sacrifice. We then wrack our minds to justify our abandonment of those less fortunate than ourselves. All the time denying but knowing deep inside that we have just experienced the part of our soul that is a tad dark. The bared teeth mine, mine, mine part that exists in all of us. I have not led a conventional life and have seen first hand how barbaric and cruel we can be to one another. I have also seen the shining goodness and generosity of the human soul. At times I wish that I would have remained ignorant, most people do .They work very hard at going through life making sure that they see only what they want to see. Going through life being delusional about what is going on around me is not my choice. I have built comfy little nests around myself before. But the desire to learn and experience what was going on outside the protected area so to speak would overwhelm me, I would have to get out from behind the blinders, see and experience life’s wonders and horrors for myself. I force myself to look at situations from the perspective of others. Not just from the perspective of how the situation affects me, and try to act accordingly. This is a lot harder to do than it might seem. I have met few whose actions match their good intentions or opinions of themselves. I fall short of this goal more often than I succeed. I will keep trying though, both in the short time I have left in this life and in the eternity beyond. I feel like listening to some “schmaltzy” music this morning. “To Love Somebody” and “Gotta Get A Message To You” by the Bee Gees will do just fine.-------- I had another lucid , precognitive dream last night. I was in a city . I could look down at the ocean . There were people working in different situations and places. I could see all of and be at all these places at once. The people and somehow the place was aware of me . There was a feeling of comfort and friendliness. I was working, and then my co-workers told me that it was my time to find something else. Other people were working and socializing all around me .Smilingly offering me tasty foods and herbs to sample. I was then walking along a street overlooking the ocean. All the people and the buildings seemed to be open safe and friendly. I was on the street, aware of all that was around me as can happen in dreams. A woman took my hand. I squeezed. She squeezed back. Comfortable feelings overwhelmed me. The feeling one gets when a trusting infant nestles in your arms and looks lovingly into to your eyes. Those along with the sensation of a woman, close, resting her head on my shoulder but closer. Two bodies in one skin. Warm, safe and jubilant. We both trembled comfortably and looked down at the vastness of the ocean below. I woke. I was crying. I do not know why. , but I was.

A Regular Day

Thurs. Nov. 19 /09 Coughing up too much blood and in too much pain today to write or think about anything so far today . I knew that yesterdays hours of feeling semi-comfortable, although welcome , were short lived as they always are. Dying slowly is a hard full time job. Comparatively , living is a vacation. It is going to be difficult to get into the positive today , if at all. I wonder if I will see Christmas. S…. thanks for the Gmail.

Cured(for a few hours)

Wed. Nov . 18/09 What a difference! My visit to the Emergency Dept. was a month ago today. Coincidence I imagine. Since then I have been working at establishing some sense of physical well being. I have managed to achieve the ability to perform some aerobic activity for almost a week now. It took a month to get to this stage. Inactivity for someone in my condition is death as far as I am concerned. Today I am just in pain (4/10 ) and feel like I have a slight flu. This is heaven compared to way that I usually feel. I know that this feeling of relative well being will be short lived. It does however give me some ambition to carry on a bit longer. I have done a bit of research about the relationship between exercise , diet and depression. Without any exaggeration I have been putting my life on the line experimenting. Considering that according to statistics and the Dr.s that I should have been dead months ago , I believe that I have been somewhat successful. I know that if I would have relied solely upon the chemotherapy and radiation treatments that I would have been dead long ago. As far as the medical community is concerned , a patient beating the odds for a while is the result of the regime of chemotherapy and radiation alone. I am not down playing the importance of these therapies as they are most definitely life saving. Unfortunately they only take a patient part way towards maintaining a degree of well being . I have been in such states of suffering for weeks whereas had I been a dog I would have been euthanized. The medical community as a whole considers this a state of “living”. Any discomfort is to be controlled by dangerous narcotics and other drugs. I believe these drugs , although at times necessary speed the patient towards the "pearly gates". I have been on the receiving end of inflicted physical pain and mental torment prior to being diagnosed with terminal cancer .I am no stranger as to what the human body and mind can be subjected to and somehow withstand. I know that with proper attention being paid to diet, exercise , supplements , spiritual well being and appropriate non stressful surroundings that a terminally ill patients life and quality of life increases. I am no medical expert , but I am inside looking out, whereas the health care givers are outside looking in. Individually most health care workers are saints that put a lot more of themselves into their work than other professions. They are however saddled with a system which is established to fulfill the needs of large corporations by the bureaucrats that are our gov’t. If anyone still believes that our Gov’t. operates for the benefit of or is concerned about the well being of the general population I suggest that they take a hit of acid and wait for the tooth fairy , as least in that state they will not be so detached from reality. It is unfortunate that politics and out right corruption does not allow the capable caring people that are out there run our health care system. Again peoples well being and lives are not even close to the top of list of priorities in North American society .This attitude has filtered down to the general population. Hell , I have started to ramble. I know that my feeling of well being will not last long so I am going to listen to James Brown Perform “I Feel Good” , revel in this moment of semi-comfort and “get into the positive”. For all who are in general health , enjoy the feeling , embrace your fellow woman , man whatever your preference and carpe diem. Things can change quickly. As the great Canadian Red Green has been known to say “ were all in this together” .I say that we should all look out for each other. My Rant. I knew that the good feeling wouldn’t last . I am thankful that I was able to feel relatively well for a bit. I just ate,. When I eat I feel the same way that a “normy” would feel after a marathon with some internal pain thrown in for good measure. To bad , cooking and eating was one of my favourite pastimes. (I’ll have to stick to women I guess). I feel better when I do not eat for a day of two but then obviously the energy is not there. While I am on a down subject. I was considering what are the most stressful situations that we encounter. “They Say” . #1 Diagnosed with a terminal illness ( I have terminal small cell lung cancer in it’s advanced stage) #2 Death in the family( I am coming up to the anniversary of both my Wife’s and Mothers death) #3 Moving ( my present situation is not affordable) Not that there isn’t any money the banks just won’t let it go until I die soon. #4 Loss of employment ( not by my choice , the cancers) #5 Poverty ( It took me 9 years to establish a position where within a short time I would have been making a dam good living .I was 4 hrs short from receiving benefits from my work when the cancer took over almost killed me and left me unable to work ) The money that the Gov‘t provides barley covers rent. #6 Loss of independence ( Goes hand in hand with poverty) #6 The holiday season … Throw on a whole bunch of daily pain , the not knowing if this is going to be the day or not that the cancer will spread to my brain or nervous system and totally debilitate me .God puts this on my plate each morning and I stir it all into my coffee and see if I can wring some living and pleasure out of the day. And I do . Hundreds and hundreds of days have started this way so far. It is easy at times to get on the emotional roller coaster. My wish list . A pair of rubber Boots and world peace . I am tired of my feet getting wet and cold when I manage to get out for a walk. Still I have lots to be grateful for. I am disgusted at the way than people can treat their fellow man. On the other hand I am totally warmed ,and admire the people that perform acts of kindness both towards myself and others. The big guy/girl has given me another day. I am going to try to stay in the positive and wring some joy out of this day.

Guy With The Scythe

Sun.Nov.15/09 I believe that I have made it past the point of no return now. Just waiting for the the guy with the scythe to come by. I can no longer be around people for any period of time. I do not understand why that is , only that it is. I can’t help feeling that I have let myself down somehow. I lack the will and desire to figure it out. When one is in pain and discomfort the minutes go by like hours ,the days like months and the months like years. I have been in this state for over two years now. There is no happy ending forthcoming. I used up all “wait” a few months ago. I am ready and I believe have the courage to go now rather than sit and wait.There is no generosity or compassion without sacrifice. If I am to be reincarnated and land in North American society I will come back as a fancy car. Ah ! to be polished , gassed and cared for. I am grateful for all the good that I have seen in people , disgusted but not surprised at the horrible things that I have seen people do to each other. Wondered why we stop maturing between the ages of 15 and 19. Almost all people stop to morally and emotionally growing between those ages. We may learn more skills, facts and behaviors , but our intentions and moral compasses are set and calibrated by the time we reach 19. One must pay attention to and be willing to change their behaviour . Be willing to look at life through different lenses and from different points of view. If not they are destined to go to their graves with the same mindset that they had as when they were young adults. In other words we should stop being such self serving wimps and grow the fu.. up. It is refreshing sometimes to see grown people live with the zeal that they possessed when they were young. It is frightening however though to see “successful” members of society go through life and make decisions that affect others behaving like spoiled selfish children. Look at our politicians behaviour during the question period in the Canadian house of commons. The sandbox behavior displayed by these “educated concerned moral civil servants”(sarcasm here) that make decisions that can affect policies that may determine life and death of some of it’s citizens is fearsome. Their greed is transparent. We are usually no better unless we decide to work at improving. Since the only standard that measures success in North American society is toys and possesions. Integrity , morality ,compassion and caring take a ride in the back seat or are left on the side of road on ones journey through life. There’s a bit of a rant. I have found a way to be comfortable and at peace. I hope that others discover the same. Bye For Now!

No Time Left for You

Fri. Nov. 13/09 Woke up at 0300 and I was suffocating. I have learned to recognize and control the terror and paranoia that overcomes me when my supply of oxygen is diminished or restricted. That first few seconds though . Boy let me tell you !!! . My body bolts upright almost flying off the bed . It feels like someone is trying to murder me untill I figure out what is going on , calm myself ,and hope that I can get enough oxygen into me to continue living. When the nurses come by I will ask them to set up a supply of oxygen. They started to come by once a week now and are persistent about it too. I did not ask them to come on a weekly basis. I had to go the emergency dept. a few times and I wonder if the Dr.s from the cancer agency or emergency dept. did not call them and suggest that they see me frequently. They are a Godsend . Even though their vists remind me of upcoming death they are a ray of sunshine at times of bleakness. I know that it is their job to provide comfort and care but that aside it takes exceptional people to do what they do. They always , always do more than they really have to. I hate to be sexist but how else could a haggard old fool like myself be in the company of these beautifull women. Shit ., I hope that I hav’nt jinxed it and next time they send a male nurse. I have decided though that I will pack it in when someone has to wipe my ass. I believe that I have mustered up the courage and means to accomplish that. The autopsy word has already been mentioned to me at the cancer agency. I just hope that the cancer kills me by spreading to one of my vital organs or the main tumour eats through the major blood vessels and I drown in my own blood(these are the two most probable ways that the cancer will kill me)rather than the cancer hitting my brain and leaving me paralysed and on a ventilator. I would rather that the choice of how I die is my choice and not the cancers. I will not suffer the humiliation on top off the pain. I do not expect to see Christmass 09. but I will keep trying to live. Depression may also be my demise. I have given up on any help forthcoming from any outside sources that would enable me to do a bit of living before I die soon. I remain grateful, if not happy for my present situation. I wonder what others would do if they knew that death was at their door and about to knock. The last few days I have only had to deal with one kind of pain and my diminishing ability to breath . Childs play compared to what I have dealt with before. If I had to describe what today feels like , I would say it is like having pneomonia , add pain and an extra measure of fatigue. Don’t forget about the big black dog depression nipping at the heels. This is a good day so far compared to most and my spirits for the time being are comparatively good. So , I will keep on banging away here and leave a few few final thoughts behind. I find a bit of comfort in this . Otherwise I would just be sitting here with my finger up my butt so to speak. I would kill for a comfortable chair though.I believe that my choice of supplements and concotions has extended my life somewhat and suggest anyone with terminal cancer do the same. I have experimented a few times by stopping to take the concoctions for a while and paying close attention how my body reacts and feels during the period of times that I am on or off the concoctions. I can honestly say that I do notice marked improvement when I am taking the concoctions and supplements. Any improvement from laying in bed in discomfort and tired as hell all the time makes me click my heals. Part of the positive effect may due to a placebo affect. Dr”s do not understand how this works , nor do I, but it does work as far as I am concerned . I would not have forgone the Radiation and Chemotherapy because without those therapies I would not have been alive to experiment !! with the alternatives. I am a statistical anomaly now as I should have died a while ago as far as modern medicine is concerned. If I would have had the means I also would have taken an alternative oleander cancer treatment , had things set up so that I could exercise properly , taken up transcendental meditation and taken part in other activities having a positive affect on disposition. The meditation and exercise would keep the depresion at bay. I am not joking when I say with the deppresion the cancer grows, I am sure of it. I believe that I could have extended my life for possibly another 8 months maybe even a year or more. C’est La Vie. Bye

Ghost Train

Wed. Nov. 11/09 Quote of The Day Is:"Human beings are made of body, mind and spirit. Of these, spirit is primary, for it connects us to the source of everything, the eternal field of consciousness."and that....
"Each of us is here to discover our true Self...that essentially we are spiritual beings who have taken manifestation in physical form...that we're not human beings that have occasional spiritual experiencesthat we're spiritual beings that have occasional human experiences.” BY Deepak Chopra
Song of The day Is: “Talking Old Soldiers” Performed BY Elton John I am still experiencing a severe bout with depression. I hope that it ends soon. Again I am not whinning but documenting. All part and parcel of dying I imagine. The depression makes it difficult for me maintain any sort of positive outlook and saps my power of concentration. I am lucky that I am only experiencing one type of physical pain today. Without the added burden of depression it would be a good day. I now know that we all have the capability to lay down and make ourselves die if we so choose. I am trying my “damdest” not to make that choice . It has just been too long … ! Rather than go on about deppsesion I though that I would share a dream. Dream#2 . I have noticed that at the times when I come close to dying that my dreams become more lucid. People have told me that since I am so close to passing away that I should pay attention to my dreams. There seems to be two types of dreams(I will leave out the deliciously lewd ones). The first is I believe , the subconscious mulling over previous events . The other type of dreams seem so real that I am compelled to pay attention to them. In these dreams I feel like I am in a different plane and space. I thought that I would share one of them here. It is fitting considering that it is remembrance day today. This following dream was very clear . I am on a train sitting in the lounge car . There are Canadian members of the military sitting all around me. There are three soldiers at the table next to me. A voice at my table says “ make sure you remember me” . I turn and look at a young soldier sitting at my table . He is just under 6ft tall. He looks tired . I get the feeling that his presence is fleeting. He has a long narrow face , dark hair , there is a dark mole or spot on the right side of his face . He may be native or of some ancestry that has a bit of a dark complexion. He is a bit thin. Of the three soldiers sitting next to me two of them are of similar stature and complexion. The third soldier is of European dissent. Taller and heavier with a full head of greying hair. In the dream I could feel a connection with the soldier sitting at my table. I got the distinct feeling that he was from the one of the maritime provinces. Usually we forget dreams shortly after we wake up. This soldiers statement “make sure you remember me” stays clearly in my mind days later and I can still picture his face. Some of my other dreams are completely mind boggling. The brightness of the colours alone are indescribable. Every time that my body gets close to death my dreams take me to unreal/real spaces , places and times full of unbelievable characters. Some characters are familiar, some are strangers , some are totally bizarre. Increasingly I establish connections to these entities that occupy my sleeping subconscious sojourns.

Is forever a long stay ?

Tues. Nov.10/09 The Quote of the Day Is: “Death itself is not so bad , it is the dying that gets you there that hurts” by Azab The Song of the Day Is: “Amoreena” Performed by Elton John ( no particular reason , the song just popped into my head) With depression so does the cancer grow. I am sure of this . I can feel the largest of the tumours in my chest acting up. I have noticed that my sense of smell comes on and off as if a switch goes on and off. At times I almost fall because my right side gives out. I can drink 3 cups of coffee laced with sugar and immediately go to sleep. My eye sight is also starting to act up .I am not as afraid of going blind as I once was. My concern is that the cancer has spread to my brain. I am not afraid of much anymore , certainly not dying. I get angry from and at the pain. I am afraid of the humiliation and loss of independence that will occur when the cancer metastasises to my brain , if it hasn’t already. I have been coming close packing it at times due to my loss of financial independence ,(3 cans of beans and two cigarette butts left) but never seem to be able to muster up the courage. I am sure that when my body deteriorates into a puddle of humiliation that I will have the courage to complete the task. It is just plain cruel to have sit in pain and wait to die. These are the cards that have been dealt to me , so I will make out the best that I can. I hope that no one else that I know and wish that no one else for that matter , has to go through what I have been , and will be going through. I know that there is and will be much suffering in the world but my wish remains. I remember when my mother was dying of cancer and was in palliative care at the hospital. I was at her side when the DR. came in . She was in emotional distress. She was particularly concerned about the periods of time when she was not lucid. She grabbed the Dr’s hand and expressed “you wouldn’t believe where I ’ve been , the things that Ive seen”. I now fully understand what she meant. When one has experienced numerous near death experiences and is near death and wracked with pain for extended periods of time (12 to 24 months) the mind allows ones mind to go to these places. I do not expect normal healthy people to understand this , but you will at some time. Even though I am immobile most of the time I still travel. Places unimaginable. Places closer to “far away” than one can conceive. Hungry souls slip into my sleeping consciousness during what can be considered sleeping moments. Sometimes places are crowded , other times I am as alone as suffocation in a cold starless sky. I am not overly anxious to experience too much of the other side as I will be there soon. I wonder if forever is going to be a lengthy stay?

He ain't heavy

Sun. Nov.8/09 I try to sleep , wait for the pain or nightmares to awaken me. Mon. Nov. 9/09 I am afraid that I’ve slipped into a hole that I won’t be able to pull out of. Just waiting to die soon. I am not feeling sorry for myself only being realistic. There is no way that I can put myself in the position to get out and enjoy anything and am tired of banging my head against the wall trying. Bye for now

Fri. Nov. 6/09 All systems go so far. Sat. Nov. 7/09 Last night the pain became unbearable but is better today . I know that with one of the three most debilitating pains that if I took morphine it would only exasperate the condition. The pain from the cancer has become secondary compared to this newer pain. I can concentrate and teach myself to deal with one type of pain at a time. When my body is subjected to a barrage of different types of severe pain in all different parts of the body it is difficult to even think. Add the sweats ,depression , lonesomeness extreme fatigue , constant flu like feeling and poverty on top of the pain and this is the way I start every ,every , every single morning day in day out , week in week out ,month in month out. I hope God thinks that I was suffering enough. Just wait till I see him/her , there is some accounting on his/her part. I am not whining but documenting. One aspect of human nature that I became aware of a long time ago is that when people ask someone who is suffering how they feel that they really do not want to be informed about the degree of suffering while the person suffering is present. This my be long winded but mull this over and you find it to be true. I still sincerely listen to the complaints of others but it gets difficult to keep putting on the smiley face. I do care but I never did understand why we upset ourselves over trivial matters , me included. I guess that one of the common threads that connects all matters big and small that upsets us is that when we perceive that someone is not being forthright with us and has underlying selfish motives. I believe that all these singular interpersonal indiscretions manifest themselves into our politics and social order partially resulting in the disorder and mayhem that has plagued societies ever since there was societies. The partial answer is to strangle greed, defy vanity and overcome selfishness. I hope that I can manage to eradicate these three weaknesses within myself before I die. I have a few relative good hours in the morning. I am going to keep working to try to extend the time of this feeling of relative well being. If there is time.? Bye for Now . G mail

Some Days

Thurs. Nov. 5/09 The last two days has left me more exhausted than usual . Pain and whatever is causing it has left me drained and in a sullen mood. I am mustering every trick that I can too pull myself out of this glum state. I start to succeed then the pain , fatigue and sullenness slaps me back down . I am going to keep trying two things . One is to get moving and do a bit of stretching and exercise. This sometimes helps but can backfire and leave my body wracked in pain for a long period of time. It is such a fine line between gaining some energy or being left exhausted and helpless , sometimes taking the chance does not seem worth it. The other trick that I have learned is to paste a smile on my face. I have noticed when I look in the mirror that I have an unintentional scowl on my face. I figure that my facial expression is a subconscious reaction to my physical malaise . I will try to affect the process in reverse . If I paste a smile on my face then maybe my body or at least my mood will change accordingly. I have had some limited success with this. At my visit with the oncologist last week the good DR. told me to pay attention to my cravings . I do not think that this is superfluous advice. Physically I believe the body tells us what we are lacking in form of nutrition. Unfortunately eating (one of my most favourite pastimes) a lot of times is painful. There is not much left for me in this life that does not cause pain and discomfort. There is not much time left in this life so I better get as many smiles in as I can. The doctor told me to do anything that I can enjoy now and not to put anything off . Unfortunately I am not in a position to do so. Just keep smiling I guess. This morning I felt uneasy and very shaky. One of those times that that I am nervous of falling asleep because I get the feeling if I go to sleep I will not wake back up. I have noticed that the sicker one gets the more difficult it is to maintains ones dignity. I get the impression that because I do not enjoy or are interested in the same things that they are interested in that my desires are unimportant. I do not like this but I understand it. I am sure that there is a primeval negative reaction that people have towards people that are disadvantaged or ill. I am sure that it is not intentional but it is there. I have spent 99.9% of my time in the last 6 months alone ,maybe 12 hrs total doing anything strictly for my enjoyment. What a way to live , what a way to die. “Somethings gotta give”. Simply existing is not living or any way to spend ones last days. Well I have this silly computer. Writing things down is a form of self analysis. This will be left behind for someone to read. On the bright side. I have had a few good hours today . The wind is whipping up the ocean . The yard outside my window is 30ft. from a 10ft. drop to the high tide level. There is a low shelf under the water that extends into the ocean for about ¼ mile. The wind is coming directly inshore from the south east. The tide is in. The tide and the wind have pushed the level of the ocean 1/4mile from shore above the water level behind it. The water in that area is a boiling white froth of thunderous crashing waves. Mother nature is giving me a spectacular show . If one was to walk into that ocean ma nature would take that person home rather quickly. I still have a few people in the immediate area that genuinely care about me and that is worth more than gold. I do imagine that my situation is taxing and tiring for them and I understand that. The circumstances for myself are not the best to say the least also. After all is said and done I feel fortunate to have lived and lucky to still be alive. The Song OF The Day Is : “Lucky Man” by Emersion Lake and Palmer The Quote of the Day is: “If people were houses and love was a car. Everyone would be looked after and we would all be stars” By Azab

Too Much

Nov. 3/09 Just too much dam pain. Too much pain to think. Days like today I wish someone would drop by and tell what it is that I keep fighting to stay alive for.

Halloween (Strange Dreams)

Sun. Oct. 31/09 I was at cancer clinic on the 28th. They said that the X-ray showed that the largest of the tumours had not grown much. Using the main tumour as an indicator they are assuming that the cancer In the rest of my body is also not progressing. I would feel better if they would check the other tumours and see if they are progressing or not . One thing that I have learned from experience is that you can not work on something that you cannot see. One oncologist told me that any more therapy would not be beneficial. I seem to be under observation more so than any active “doctoring” so to speak. All the other complications that seem to have developed since the chemo and radiation have to be addressed by other physicians. I am working as hard as I can to fight the cancer and it’s effects and do I do not have the will to go through any more invasions of my body regarding other complications as the cancer will kill me soon enough. On the bright side the effects of my regime of supplements and self therapy have had on the cancer seems positive. I believe this has surprised the oncologist as she said to continue doing whatever I was doing. I believe that the oncologist thinks that reprieve of a month or two is a result of the chemo and radiation. True enough but I know that that is not entirely true. If it had not been for a 180 degree change in my lifestyle and living conditions I would have died months ago. I have a friend to thank for pulling me out of the situation that I was in as I did not have the gumption or means to get out of it myself. One finds out who actually cares by who steps up to the plate when things become difficult. The change of lifestyle and my regime of self therapy I believe has had as an important positive effect as the chemo and radiation has had on extending my life. Even so the prognosis is not good. If I could somehow interject somequality of life into the next few weeks I would be happy. Depression is a major factor to try to overcome now as it can be as debilitating as the pain and other effects that are caused by the cancer . I have been told to expect this but the depression surprises me when it shows it’s ugly face. I keep trying to put the fact out of my mind that things can and have turned quickly for myself before. One day I feel like I will last for awhile and the next day I am wondering if this will be my last day. I have known other terminal cancer patients whose Dr ‘s have said that their condition is not worsening and the next week they are dead. I should be grateful that I am dry and fed but there is more to life than food and shelter. Especially when one is ticking off the days on the last few pages of their calendar. If people were houses or a cars then we would treat each other better. It is almost humorous to watch people sacrifice everything for material possessions but are willing to let sons , daughters and friends deteriorate and die. Maybe someday we will evolve socially and realize that people are more important than baubles. The Song of The Day Is: “Miles From Nowhere” by Cat Stevens from the “Tea for The Tillerman Album” This is the song that I want played at any service that I might have when I die. I guess that I will never really know if that is to be or not. The Quote of The Day Is:“Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death” by A. Einstein 1500 The big black dog is back. It is confusing , I try so hard to fight for life and then depression sinks in and I feel like ending it. I think that a major contributor to the depression happens other physical problems come up . I had to stop my light exercises. I believe that exercise can do wonders to relieve depression. I assume that knowing that I will be dying in an helpless humiliating fashion soon , being in constant pain , being in poverty and being alone 99 % of the time might have some detrimental affect on my mental state also. Still I am surprised at how debilitating depression can be. How far away and trivial it seems when I pull out of it. I hope that I can continue to keep pulling out of these dark depressing states. Hell I hope that I just continue to be alive for awhile. Nov. 1 /09 Tick tock . Another month behind me. Some more time to enjoy or suffer. I am at the stage where my well being is not a consequence of lifestyle or other decisions that I make. Whatever is on my plate each day is what I have to deal with. Yesterday I was in bed sleeping(if that is what I can call it now) all day and until 0200 the next morning. Today ,so far, I have eaten well , went for a walk on the beach and am physically stimulated. The total opposite of yesterday. I will take this state as a cue to continue on spiritually and physically.I try not to feel sorry for myself and am grateful for any good that comes my way. I am falling apart emotionally on a regular basis now and will try to do something about that. There are so many daily changes that are happening to my body.I never know what to expect. The not knowing is scary. The clocks were moved back last night. The nights were long and will now be longer. I should be grateful that time goes by slowly as my time is limited and I should consider it precious. The nights get lonely just the same. As I mentioned before the closer that I slip towards death the more strange that some dreams become. There are two types of dreams that I can now distinguish between . One is what I call the normal dreams where the subconscious is mulling over recent events. The other type of dream is one where my spirit seems to be transported to another plane and space, The confrontations and experiences at the time as real as anything one can experience when awake. If this seems weird it does not matter to me now. If someone had told me years ago that the cells in my own body would turn on me and kill me I would have though that that was weird at the time .Nothing surprises me much now. I have written down part of one dream and will share it here. Maybe the dream interpreters can have some fun with it. The Song Of The Day Is “Taking Care of Business” By Randy Bachman I need a piece of music that moves and is uplifting today. The big uke might be getting a complex. His song being though of by people that are going over to the other side more than once. The Quote of The Day Is; “Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die.” by Amelia Burr The Dream:There is no life here , only wanderers. Dirt trails make their way winding and twisting through and around small dune like hills. Barley enough room for the steady stream of other travellers to pass. There is water in the low lying areas between the rises in the dirt mounds. Small single file hastily constructed wooden bridges cross some of these low lying areas , in other places there is only mud. Sparse sea grass grows near the lower area ,like tufts of hair left on a balding mans head. Away from the trails gnarled sparse bushes start to grow. Do not deviate from the trails , all the spirits understand this. There is light ,the light emanates from the ground and surrounding low lying air. The air struggles to keep the darkness at bay. The darkness is not thick and black like night. The further from the trail the light lessens. The weaker the light the stronger one senses other presences. Other presences that should be avoided. The presences using the trails are travelling. There are destinations in either direction but there is no real sense of purpose . Possibly the sense of purpose is the destination. Everything in the immediate area is greyish . A lake sits to one side , on the other side are foothills .One gets the sense that imagination could not travel on those foothills. There are wooden dark barn board buildings clustered here and there near the lake. These buildings should also be avoided. There is an imminent “cold” approaching and that is why the presences are moving. There is a small town nearby . Dilapidated ,leaning wooden structures . The town , the type one sees in cheap western movies. This town has been plunked down in this melody of sensations .diffuse ground emanating light and wandering spirits. And cold. The town is a place to get away from. My presence stands and moves at same time, by the trail and on the trail as only can be done in dreams. Observing and moving . Spirits travelling in each direction like refugees fleeing some disaster . Some are children hanging on to their mothers hand as they travel. Their mothers peasant skirts long full and billowing. Other small ones are being pulled as they sit on small antique wooden wagons sparing their small legs the punishment of the trail. The children seem to be the only spirits that are somewhat comfortable at this place and state. They are dressed in rags and have splotches of mud on their faces but seem safe and comfortable. This makes my presence comfortable also. Traffic moves quickly in both directions. Back towards the town seems to be the wrong way for me to travel . I set out towards a dryer and safer place. There is a sense of urgency. I feel that some of the presences are in the same state that I am in. They are few. There are forces approaching . An oncoming foreboding rumbles in the dirt in the trail. I know that I must stay on or close to the trail. Suddenly they start to rumble by and the other presences scatter. Rugged bearded lanky souls dripping in rags. Menacing , travelling quickly on loud 2 wheeled spirits appear. As the others scatter I stand my ground. For the time being they do not notice me even though I am right there. Perhaps they do not want to be noticed by me. I know that I must make it to higher dryer higher ground where the trail divides into many directions. There is the possibility of comfort and safety there. Again there is a sense of urgency. I feel that I must make it somewhere before the darkness sucks up the ambient light. The darkness will move in like a low fog that displaces then envelops the diffuse light. Some of the haggard souls stop and scan the area as if they are looking for prisoners. In my immediate area the other presences still make their way . I travel alongside in a group of women and young ones . Either I am providing them with safe passage or they are providing me with safety amongst them by providing me with anonymity. The trail becomes busy now .The haggard souls searching and travelling in one direction. Myself and the refugees travelling in the other. I seem to be travelling towards higher ground. Traveling further the crowds and mayhem becomes less prevalent. The further that I wander the more alone I am. There still is the presence of a few women. The trail twists and winds upwards amongst dunes topped with long grasses. There are sparse deciduous trees here and there. Their branches unavailable for the first ten feet from the ground. I am aware now that the haggard souls will soon be able to see or sense where myself and the women in my company are. I am not afraid of the haggard souls but we are trying to evade them., this confuses me. Shortly they will be aware our presence . I feel that if it was just up to me that I would confront them. There are less travelled trails leading to small thatched sandy coloured huts. Some are occupied , some are not. It would be impolite and possibly dangerous to enter one of these abodes . We look and come across an empty one. Myself and my company enter the hut. It is sparse . There is closeness as we lay down to rest. There is an energetic overwhelming comfort that envelopes us. Other presences are aware of our comfort. I know that they lack the ability or knowledge to generate or to feel the comfort that myself and my company are feeling. Others including the haggard souls are searching for the comfort or the knowledge of how to achieve this state. I am not hoarding this feeling as it is something that cannot be taken but must be given. As only can be done in dreams I can see the whole scene from high above outside from my position inside. For the moment there is only bliss where we are. I know that I will have to leave soon . There will be pain , blood and frightening tests ahead .I know that when I leave ,the ones I have left behind will be safe and comfortable. The haggard souls will not stop searching until after a confrontation of will and spirit. This is as much of one dream that I can describe in one sitting. I will describe the rest of the dream later.