Some Days

Thurs. Nov. 5/09 The last two days has left me more exhausted than usual . Pain and whatever is causing it has left me drained and in a sullen mood. I am mustering every trick that I can too pull myself out of this glum state. I start to succeed then the pain , fatigue and sullenness slaps me back down . I am going to keep trying two things . One is to get moving and do a bit of stretching and exercise. This sometimes helps but can backfire and leave my body wracked in pain for a long period of time. It is such a fine line between gaining some energy or being left exhausted and helpless , sometimes taking the chance does not seem worth it. The other trick that I have learned is to paste a smile on my face. I have noticed when I look in the mirror that I have an unintentional scowl on my face. I figure that my facial expression is a subconscious reaction to my physical malaise . I will try to affect the process in reverse . If I paste a smile on my face then maybe my body or at least my mood will change accordingly. I have had some limited success with this. At my visit with the oncologist last week the good DR. told me to pay attention to my cravings . I do not think that this is superfluous advice. Physically I believe the body tells us what we are lacking in form of nutrition. Unfortunately eating (one of my most favourite pastimes) a lot of times is painful. There is not much left for me in this life that does not cause pain and discomfort. There is not much time left in this life so I better get as many smiles in as I can. The doctor told me to do anything that I can enjoy now and not to put anything off . Unfortunately I am not in a position to do so. Just keep smiling I guess. This morning I felt uneasy and very shaky. One of those times that that I am nervous of falling asleep because I get the feeling if I go to sleep I will not wake back up. I have noticed that the sicker one gets the more difficult it is to maintains ones dignity. I get the impression that because I do not enjoy or are interested in the same things that they are interested in that my desires are unimportant. I do not like this but I understand it. I am sure that there is a primeval negative reaction that people have towards people that are disadvantaged or ill. I am sure that it is not intentional but it is there. I have spent 99.9% of my time in the last 6 months alone ,maybe 12 hrs total doing anything strictly for my enjoyment. What a way to live , what a way to die. “Somethings gotta give”. Simply existing is not living or any way to spend ones last days. Well I have this silly computer. Writing things down is a form of self analysis. This will be left behind for someone to read. On the bright side. I have had a few good hours today . The wind is whipping up the ocean . The yard outside my window is 30ft. from a 10ft. drop to the high tide level. There is a low shelf under the water that extends into the ocean for about ¼ mile. The wind is coming directly inshore from the south east. The tide is in. The tide and the wind have pushed the level of the ocean 1/4mile from shore above the water level behind it. The water in that area is a boiling white froth of thunderous crashing waves. Mother nature is giving me a spectacular show . If one was to walk into that ocean ma nature would take that person home rather quickly. I still have a few people in the immediate area that genuinely care about me and that is worth more than gold. I do imagine that my situation is taxing and tiring for them and I understand that. The circumstances for myself are not the best to say the least also. After all is said and done I feel fortunate to have lived and lucky to still be alive. The Song OF The Day Is : “Lucky Man” by Emersion Lake and Palmer The Quote of the Day is: “If people were houses and love was a car. Everyone would be looked after and we would all be stars” By Azab