Sun. Oct. 31/09 I was at cancer clinic on the 28th. They said that the X-ray showed that the largest of the tumours had not grown much. Using the main tumour as an indicator they are assuming that the cancer In the rest of my body is also not progressing. I would feel better if they would check the other tumours and see if they are progressing or not . One thing that I have learned from experience is that you can not work on something that you cannot see. One oncologist told me that any more therapy would not be beneficial. I seem to be under observation more so than any active “doctoring” so to speak. All the other complications that seem to have developed since the chemo and radiation have to be addressed by other physicians. I am working as hard as I can to fight the cancer and it’s effects and do I do not have the will to go through any more invasions of my body regarding other complications as the cancer will kill me soon enough. On the bright side the effects of my regime of supplements and self therapy have had on the cancer seems positive. I believe this has surprised the oncologist as she said to continue doing whatever I was doing. I believe that the oncologist thinks that reprieve of a month or two is a result of the chemo and radiation. True enough but I know that that is not entirely true. If it had not been for a 180 degree change in my lifestyle and living conditions I would have died months ago. I have a friend to thank for pulling me out of the situation that I was in as I did not have the gumption or means to get out of it myself. One finds out who actually cares by who steps up to the plate when things become difficult. The change of lifestyle and my regime of self therapy I believe has had as an important positive effect as the chemo and radiation has had on extending my life. Even so the prognosis is not good. If I could somehow interject somequality of life into the next few weeks I would be happy. Depression is a major factor to try to overcome now as it can be as debilitating as the pain and other effects that are caused by the cancer . I have been told to expect this but the depression surprises me when it shows it’s ugly face. I keep trying to put the fact out of my mind that things can and have turned quickly for myself before. One day I feel like I will last for awhile and the next day I am wondering if this will be my last day. I have known other terminal cancer patients whose Dr ‘s have said that their condition is not worsening and the next week they are dead. I should be grateful that I am dry and fed but there is more to life than food and shelter. Especially when one is ticking off the days on the last few pages of their calendar. If people were houses or a cars then we would treat each other better. It is almost humorous to watch people sacrifice everything for material possessions but are willing to let sons , daughters and friends deteriorate and die. Maybe someday we will evolve socially and realize that people are more important than baubles. The Song of The Day Is: “Miles From Nowhere” by Cat Stevens from the “Tea for The Tillerman Album” This is the song that I want played at any service that I might have when I die. I guess that I will never really know if that is to be or not. The Quote of The Day Is:“Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death” by A. Einstein 1500 The big black dog is back. It is confusing , I try so hard to fight for life and then depression sinks in and I feel like ending it. I think that a major contributor to the depression happens other physical problems come up . I had to stop my light exercises. I believe that exercise can do wonders to relieve depression. I assume that knowing that I will be dying in an helpless humiliating fashion soon , being in constant pain , being in poverty and being alone 99 % of the time might have some detrimental affect on my mental state also. Still I am surprised at how debilitating depression can be. How far away and trivial it seems when I pull out of it. I hope that I can continue to keep pulling out of these dark depressing states. Hell I hope that I just continue to be alive for awhile. Nov. 1 /09 Tick tock . Another month behind me. Some more time to enjoy or suffer. I am at the stage where my well being is not a consequence of lifestyle or other decisions that I make. Whatever is on my plate each day is what I have to deal with. Yesterday I was in bed sleeping(if that is what I can call it now) all day and until 0200 the next morning. Today ,so far, I have eaten well , went for a walk on the beach and am physically stimulated. The total opposite of yesterday. I will take this state as a cue to continue on spiritually and physically.I try not to feel sorry for myself and am grateful for any good that comes my way. I am falling apart emotionally on a regular basis now and will try to do something about that. There are so many daily changes that are happening to my body.I never know what to expect. The not knowing is scary. The clocks were moved back last night. The nights were long and will now be longer. I should be grateful that time goes by slowly as my time is limited and I should consider it precious. The nights get lonely just the same. As I mentioned before the closer that I slip towards death the more strange that some dreams become. There are two types of dreams that I can now distinguish between . One is what I call the normal dreams where the subconscious is mulling over recent events. The other type of dream is one where my spirit seems to be transported to another plane and space, The confrontations and experiences at the time as real as anything one can experience when awake. If this seems weird it does not matter to me now. If someone had told me years ago that the cells in my own body would turn on me and kill me I would have though that that was weird at the time .Nothing surprises me much now. I have written down part of one dream and will share it here. Maybe the dream interpreters can have some fun with it. The Song Of The Day Is “Taking Care of Business” By Randy Bachman I need a piece of music that moves and is uplifting today. The big uke might be getting a complex. His song being though of by people that are going over to the other side more than once. The Quote of The Day Is; “Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die.” by Amelia Burr The Dream:There is no life here , only wanderers. Dirt trails make their way winding and twisting through and around small dune like hills. Barley enough room for the steady stream of other travellers to pass. There is water in the low lying areas between the rises in the dirt mounds. Small single file hastily constructed wooden bridges cross some of these low lying areas , in other places there is only mud. Sparse sea grass grows near the lower area ,like tufts of hair left on a balding mans head. Away from the trails gnarled sparse bushes start to grow. Do not deviate from the trails , all the spirits understand this. There is light ,the light emanates from the ground and surrounding low lying air. The air struggles to keep the darkness at bay. The darkness is not thick and black like night. The further from the trail the light lessens. The weaker the light the stronger one senses other presences. Other presences that should be avoided. The presences using the trails are travelling. There are destinations in either direction but there is no real sense of purpose . Possibly the sense of purpose is the destination. Everything in the immediate area is greyish . A lake sits to one side , on the other side are foothills .One gets the sense that imagination could not travel on those foothills. There are wooden dark barn board buildings clustered here and there near the lake. These buildings should also be avoided. There is an imminent “cold” approaching and that is why the presences are moving. There is a small town nearby . Dilapidated ,leaning wooden structures . The town , the type one sees in cheap western movies. This town has been plunked down in this melody of sensations .diffuse ground emanating light and wandering spirits. And cold. The town is a place to get away from. My presence stands and moves at same time, by the trail and on the trail as only can be done in dreams. Observing and moving . Spirits travelling in each direction like refugees fleeing some disaster . Some are children hanging on to their mothers hand as they travel. Their mothers peasant skirts long full and billowing. Other small ones are being pulled as they sit on small antique wooden wagons sparing their small legs the punishment of the trail. The children seem to be the only spirits that are somewhat comfortable at this place and state. They are dressed in rags and have splotches of mud on their faces but seem safe and comfortable. This makes my presence comfortable also. Traffic moves quickly in both directions. Back towards the town seems to be the wrong way for me to travel . I set out towards a dryer and safer place. There is a sense of urgency. I feel that some of the presences are in the same state that I am in. They are few. There are forces approaching . An oncoming foreboding rumbles in the dirt in the trail. I know that I must stay on or close to the trail. Suddenly they start to rumble by and the other presences scatter. Rugged bearded lanky souls dripping in rags. Menacing , travelling quickly on loud 2 wheeled spirits appear. As the others scatter I stand my ground. For the time being they do not notice me even though I am right there. Perhaps they do not want to be noticed by me. I know that I must make it to higher dryer higher ground where the trail divides into many directions. There is the possibility of comfort and safety there. Again there is a sense of urgency. I feel that I must make it somewhere before the darkness sucks up the ambient light. The darkness will move in like a low fog that displaces then envelops the diffuse light. Some of the haggard souls stop and scan the area as if they are looking for prisoners. In my immediate area the other presences still make their way . I travel alongside in a group of women and young ones . Either I am providing them with safe passage or they are providing me with safety amongst them by providing me with anonymity. The trail becomes busy now .The haggard souls searching and travelling in one direction. Myself and the refugees travelling in the other. I seem to be travelling towards higher ground. Traveling further the crowds and mayhem becomes less prevalent. The further that I wander the more alone I am. There still is the presence of a few women. The trail twists and winds upwards amongst dunes topped with long grasses. There are sparse deciduous trees here and there. Their branches unavailable for the first ten feet from the ground. I am aware now that the haggard souls will soon be able to see or sense where myself and the women in my company are. I am not afraid of the haggard souls but we are trying to evade them., this confuses me. Shortly they will be aware our presence . I feel that if it was just up to me that I would confront them. There are less travelled trails leading to small thatched sandy coloured huts. Some are occupied , some are not. It would be impolite and possibly dangerous to enter one of these abodes . We look and come across an empty one. Myself and my company enter the hut. It is sparse . There is closeness as we lay down to rest. There is an energetic overwhelming comfort that envelopes us. Other presences are aware of our comfort. I know that they lack the ability or knowledge to generate or to feel the comfort that myself and my company are feeling. Others including the haggard souls are searching for the comfort or the knowledge of how to achieve this state. I am not hoarding this feeling as it is something that cannot be taken but must be given. As only can be done in dreams I can see the whole scene from high above outside from my position inside. For the moment there is only bliss where we are. I know that I will have to leave soon . There will be pain , blood and frightening tests ahead .I know that when I leave ,the ones I have left behind will be safe and comfortable. The haggard souls will not stop searching until after a confrontation of will and spirit. This is as much of one dream that I can describe in one sitting. I will describe the rest of the dream later.
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