0200 Rant

Sat. Nov.21/09 0200 This sitting alone , waiting to die is just plain cruel. I have not been in a state of comfort for over 2 years now. It drains one emotionally , mentally and physically. I’ll wait to see what the next hour brings , that seems like an eternity away. My health , living conditions and uncertainty about how to get by , I sense , are not going to take a turn for the better. 0220 Tick Tock . I will try all the tricks that I know to pull out of this state. “Normys” (people with normal health) , that experience stresses and illnesses are in a position to remedy the situations that are stressing them out and recover from their illnesses , usually within a few days. Imagine getting a severe flu , it does not go away , it lasts for a week, then a month , then a year, month after month each day draining the life out of you , you know that it never will go away and you know that it is going to kill you soon. Top that off with the inability to actually do anything if you wanted to. The humiliation of losing your independence. Good Morning , put a smile on your face, be stoic , sit , wait to die.
0600 A Dark Day -------- Life gets confusing when you no longer live for tomorrow because you have few left. Can’t live for tomorrow , no means to live for the day. Feels like a dog run over by a car and left on the side of the road to die. Due to European background , the love and celebration of good food and the feeling of camaraderie and conversation that comes with the breaking of bread with others was always a treat that I used to look forward too. God has done it again , given on the one hand and taking it away with the other at the same time. A family has extended their hospitality for me to join them at the dinner table. Regrettably I no longer look at food as enjoyment. Not only do I require a diet that that helps fight cancer , a plate of food can , and has left me writhing in pain for hours , days or as one case weeks. After which it takes days of careful eating habits and/or fasting to recover. Where others see plate of delicious food lovingly prepared I see a plate of possible pain. As far as the camaraderie goes, anyone that is knowledgeable about PTSD knows that the company of others although desirable can be excruciatingly uncomfortable. God presents another “catch 22“. Being a realist I am aware of where the commitment stops with people that say they are concerned and care. Words like medals for war heroes , although nice do not do pass as currency in the reality of living. Kinda like getting screwed by a whore and not achieving orgasim. Nice gesture but your still kinda fuc..d ,broke and no better off than before. I am going to try to put a smile on my face and continue on. Now where did I leave that box of smiles. There is one source of inspiration. There is a young girl that has a serious medical problem. Her laughter and bouancy are inspirational. I wish that couldI tap into her good cheer and naivety. Although Iam sure she has her moments of horror also. It does feel a little bit better to get all that out , this is my only outlet. I do not want to bring the darkness that I have to live with too anyone that I know. Considering that I spend 99.9% of my time alone there is not much danger of that. I am not afraid of dying but I am not ready to go like that dog on the side of the road. Gotta Get Into The Positive