Sweet Dreams

Fri. Nov. 20/09 Stopped coughing up blood and I am back to only having one pain (5/10) and a fatigued flu like feeling. If I could stay on the straightaway of this emotional roller coaster I will consider this a good day. This machine is my only companion , aside from walks in the rain my only available pastime. I should be gratefull , most of the time I am . Selfish as I am , I would have liked to have been in the position to do a few things for myself during my last days. Right now I am laughing at the absurdity of my situation. If this is God’s plan I hope he double checks my itinerary and finds an error. One aspect of human nature that I have noticed is that we have a limited amount of compassion and understanding for those in less fortunate situations than ourselves. I do understand this . We can be lifted up or dragged down by the people around us. I am sure that there is a primeval respone wired into our survival instincts that make us want to avoid the sick and dying. There lies the hypocrisy ! People’s assessment of themselves as being kind and caring has to be revaluated. There are very few people that actually perform according to standard of their own moral code. Most presented with a situation that requires more action than talk, run, then hide until they figure out either how to avoid the situation or somehow justify their inaction. Whichever way the hypocrisy scars the soul .We begin to realize that each test inflicts another scar , but deepens our understanding of our humanism if we choose to keep our eyes open. Caring only lasts for a short while, and only if there is not much sacrifice. We then wrack our minds to justify our abandonment of those less fortunate than ourselves. All the time denying but knowing deep inside that we have just experienced the part of our soul that is a tad dark. The bared teeth mine, mine, mine part that exists in all of us. I have not led a conventional life and have seen first hand how barbaric and cruel we can be to one another. I have also seen the shining goodness and generosity of the human soul. At times I wish that I would have remained ignorant, most people do .They work very hard at going through life making sure that they see only what they want to see. Going through life being delusional about what is going on around me is not my choice. I have built comfy little nests around myself before. But the desire to learn and experience what was going on outside the protected area so to speak would overwhelm me, I would have to get out from behind the blinders, see and experience life’s wonders and horrors for myself. I force myself to look at situations from the perspective of others. Not just from the perspective of how the situation affects me, and try to act accordingly. This is a lot harder to do than it might seem. I have met few whose actions match their good intentions or opinions of themselves. I fall short of this goal more often than I succeed. I will keep trying though, both in the short time I have left in this life and in the eternity beyond. I feel like listening to some “schmaltzy” music this morning. “To Love Somebody” and “Gotta Get A Message To You” by the Bee Gees will do just fine.-------- I had another lucid , precognitive dream last night. I was in a city . I could look down at the ocean . There were people working in different situations and places. I could see all of and be at all these places at once. The people and somehow the place was aware of me . There was a feeling of comfort and friendliness. I was working, and then my co-workers told me that it was my time to find something else. Other people were working and socializing all around me .Smilingly offering me tasty foods and herbs to sample. I was then walking along a street overlooking the ocean. All the people and the buildings seemed to be open safe and friendly. I was on the street, aware of all that was around me as can happen in dreams. A woman took my hand. I squeezed. She squeezed back. Comfortable feelings overwhelmed me. The feeling one gets when a trusting infant nestles in your arms and looks lovingly into to your eyes. Those along with the sensation of a woman, close, resting her head on my shoulder but closer. Two bodies in one skin. Warm, safe and jubilant. We both trembled comfortably and looked down at the vastness of the ocean below. I woke. I was crying. I do not know why. , but I was.