Wake up Slowly

June 21/10 The Song OF The Day Is. "The Healer" As performed by John Lee Hooker I documented the following experience of what an average start of day is for myself and many terminally ill cancer patients. People sometimes can take ones suffering personally , then for some strange reason cruelly lash back or just leave the person to rot. A terminally ill person is constantly suffering with no hope for anything better. Their countenance and mood is no reflection upon anyone else. It is just a manifestation of that suffering and lack of hope that slips out upon occasion. I wake up slowly . I open my left eye first , then the other. I lay where I am. I wait .Five minutes go by , ten go by then ½ an hour goes by. I start becoming aware of my surroundings and the presence of my body. I lay where I am and wait. This morning I am numb. Where am I? Can I move ? Why is there ice water running through the veins in my chest. I lay there for another ½ hr. I am laying on my side .My left arm is under my body. The closed fist at the end of my forearm is stiff an putting pressure against my chest. In my chest , underneath where my fist is lies the largest tumour. The one spewing the most toxins into me. It lies in my lung close to the center line of my body. I wonder when it is going to choke off my air supply , eat through the major blood vessels and the nerves running down my spine. My right leg is stiff as aboard . My right ankle twisted so that my foot is twisted inward. My toes are clenched and the top of my right foot is stretched as if it is trying to make a straight line with my shin. My left knee is involuntarily putting pressure against my right knee My right foot is stiff and twisted inward as if it is trying wrap itself around my stiffened left foot. My mouth agape and my brain numb. I move my fingers . I move my hands , then my arms. My mind starts to become aware. No major pain is my first thought. The thought runs through my mind like a question , then an awareness .I know that this is a contradiction but If anyone would suddenly come in and start talking to me now my body would be overcome. A sensation of moving poisonous electricity would course through my body. I know than my face is now contorted. Contorted into an involuntary scowl. Another ½ hr or so passes. My mind is starting to clear . I think .What do I need to do to get through the day. Check my temp. , bowel protocol ? Can I prepare food today?, can I shower , how do I get out to get the medications that I need for the next cycle of chemo, Aw shit ! I have to dress in dirty clothes again ! , my books from the library are overdue ! ,will I be able to walk much today ! , I hope there are no major pains coming , how the hell am I going to get out to go food shopping etc! etc! etc! … ! I reach over to the thermometer on the pillow beside me . Temp 34.5 C. One and ½ degrees into hypothermia. My ears ring and the suddenly my head feels like someone has just smashed me on ieter side of my head with the palms of their hands. I start to move my legs. I get them over the side of the bed and slowly sit up. I stand but am shaky. I ponder , has anything different really ! ! gone wrong? . I push my arms up over the top of my head and stretch a little. I walk stiff legged to the washroom. I put my hand up against the wall to hold myself up to urinate. Dam ! Everything is stiff this morning but my penis. I shuffle over to the kitchen sink . With both hands on the sink I bend over and try to stretch. Ah ! still no major pains. My fine motor skills do not work so well so when I go to make some coffee I drop the coffee filters two or three times and struggle to separate one of the thin paper filter from the other. I pour the water into the machine , I spill a bit of the water but not to much. While the coffee is brewing I start to get moving. I look out the window at the ocean . Standing I roll my head from side to side. I lift my arms up over my head again a stretch them out. I then roll my shoulders one at a time then both together. I bend over and stretch my back and the back of my legs. I pace around for a few minutes Temp ,35.2 C only 0.8 degrees into hypothermia. I go the washroom , brush my teeth and wash my face. I pour a cup of coffee , sweeten the hell out of it , have a few mouthfuls . Wait to see if the caffeine has any bad effects on me. Sometimes ½ a cup and my head goes cold and I have to go lay down or else I would fall down So far so good. I pace and stretch some more. I am still not of this world but I might just get close this morning. I paste a mile on my face the best I can , if I happen to see someone during the day and they ask how I am doing I say “good enough”. I still have ice water running through my veins. I know that the sensation will not subside for a few more hours if at all. I know that if I happen to see anyone that is aware of my situation for more than a few minutes they will say “gee you don’t look that sick” . Totally unaware of the boiling cauldron inside me. Last night I was clutching the phone again as again I felt as if I was passing away. I do not know why I clutch the phone . Die here ? die in a hospital ? , I did promise the landlord that I wouldn’t leave a mess , so I guess it’s die in the hospital if I can. It has been over 2 hours now since I opened my eyes I have If someone were to see me now. They would see a half smile on my face . I can almost move normally . What I can’t hide of the hell going thru my body I can fake. I do not believe that there is a single person , health-care professional or otherwise that can honestly handle or comprehend the truth of what a dying person is going through. Sometimes I feel like I am actually getting criticized for hanging on for too long. Today is the first day of summer. I am going “put on” some music try to wring some good out of today. I would love to get out and bake in the sun. I’ll do the best I can or die tryin

A Welcoming Day

June 20 /10 The Song Of The Day Is “Wild World” as performed by Cat Stevens (just a pretty song) I awoke at 0100 this morning. Filled myself with coffee so that I could make it down to the water before my body starts to quiver. I took the picture above this morning. After a few hour of staying awake I feel really rough. Like a drunk that drinks alone and doesn’t notice how drunk he is until there are other people around and finds the comparison is shocking. I have not broke down since 0100 and it is 0730. I am still working on controlling these lapses but am afraid that the cancer and the drugs are affecting my nervous system and contributing to the meltdowns. I am still stroking though. Life is can be strange when one lives by the day. When my body starts acting up the minutes go by as if they were days. Planning to do anything is next to impossible. I start to try to do something then I realize that it just is not going to happen. I get angry and disappointed with myself when I try to do something and realize that I can’t. The is at least one time each day when I feel my mortality fading too close to the point of no return. Having said that , I am in a in an excellent mood (fool that I am)! Yesterday was the first day here that has felt like summer here on “North Island”. I have already made it outside today and am going to try again when the temp rises. It doesn’t sound like much , but for me my soul rests easy near the land. If I manage to push myself into a good mood and the discomfort abates , I can drift back to memories of the things I have done , the people I have met and things that I have seen. I bask in these memories and I feel like a person again for a short while. Or I can be amazed at all the wonder that surrounds each and every one of us and feel alive again. I will have some good moments today. I do not know why , but I definitely sense that some days are better than others to die. It feels like today would be welcoming if it were to happen today. I am going to have a great day today. I hope everyone else has some joy today. Bye for Now See ya On The Other Side

Breakdowns

June 19 10 The Song OF the Day Is “White Hot” By Red Ryder 0300 If I had my way and a few hours of feeling comfortable I would be outside. Lying down on a cosy spot , holding a woman tight , watching for the inevitable shooting stars and listening to ocean waves licking up the shoreline. A pleasurable dream is almost as good as the experience at this stage. The breakdowns and the cancer. I am still trying to figure out how to stop breaking down over and over again on a daily basis. I am sure that this will only hasten my bodies demise. I have accepted the fact that I will be dead soon although I am sure that that plays a role in causing the breakdowns. The news 2 weeks ago that the tumours remain the same after all these months of chemotherapy also play a role in causing the breakdowns. All the drugs that leave the mind numb , the bodies constantly changing state also play a role . I’ve been shot at , been ill and stuck in the bush . Had attempts on my life , been in a house as it blew up had to deal with some of the most dangerous people around. Without exaggeration I have put my freedom and my life on the line for my principles. Years of effort and hard dangerous work for a third time around was just about to pay off . Then in one trip to the hospital being told that I have terminal cancer and if I don‘t get chemotherapy that I will be dead within weeks. Then the barrage of tests ,chemotherapy and radiation therapy all pales in comparison to an experience that I am sure that some brave children with cancer and brave sickly elderly cancer patients have experienced. It happened just after I had a CT scan at the cancer agency . I was still in my ass exposing gown and still in the area where the CT scans were performed. The area is comprised of a small nurses office , a room where the CT scans are performed , a tiny waiting room with 6 stacking chairs and 2 small dressing rooms. In other words there was not much room to get lost in. After I had my CT scan I stood outside what I thought was the change room where I had left my clothes . It was the wrong change room ,and there were only 2! After 10 minutes of standing outside the wrong change room with what I can only assume a blank look on my face , a radiologist came up me and asked if I was alright . This brought me back from wherever I was. That ten minutes was pure horror. The barrage of tests , abrupt drastic changes in life’s direction and purpose , the toxins being spewed into my body by the tumours but mainly all the powerful and poisonous drugs had left me blank for those ten minutes. I did not know where I was , what I was doing there, who I was or frankly what I was. It was 10 minutes of terror. I would rather someone saw off my legs than experience that again. The breakdowns? Last week I was helpless and stuck. I have had another 5 sessions of heavy chemotherapy after I was originally told that any more chemo would not improve my quality of life nor extend it. During the recovery period the debilitating effects change by the hour , sometimes by the minute. My body has already been ravaged by the cancer and previous chemo. I suffered at least 3 time more than I should have (still not out of the woods) simply because I forgot to pick up a few dietary items prior to the last cycle of chemo. The breakdowns ! the breakdowns? I figure there are two main reasons for the breakdowns. I am not afraid of dying so I am not whining here , just documenting. One is that I could sense the blankness that I experienced after the before mentioned CT scan. The other is the fear and consequences of being helpless. I still live day to day. As I was told by the Oncologist earlier anything can happen at any moment as they cannot see the early stages pf the cancer metastasizing to my brain. By the time it is evident it is to late anyways. The 3rd reason I for the breakdowns is anger. The anger is directed at myself. Too stupid to remember and anticipate the things that I will need to keep my body nourished for the first week or so after the cycle of chemo. Pissed off at myself for being in this state of helplessness and depressed in the knowledge that the only person that is going to help is myself. Almost 6 months of chemo on my own and these walls ,this time . So I guess it is time to fk off and die or wipe the blood of the walls and garner some strength from something or somewhere and figure out how to get things that need doin in order to try to survive done. (anger and denial are two coping mechanisms , I garner strength from the anger and can sometimes alleviate the symptoms from the cancer and chemo thru denial) Maybe the power from Barbra’s and Bob’s ceremony is on it’s way. Purpose in life ( no matter how bleak things get ) I believe can also help extend my stay on this plane. 0515 Three cups of sugared coffee and I forced my self to make it down to beach . Watched the sunrise , said a prayer of gratitude along with one selfish prayer. I was both humbled and strengthened by my surroundings and the suns appearance as it presented itself from behind the mountains. The picture above is from this morning. Two crows seem to make their appearance whenever I get outside. They come quite close and seem to hang around and keep me company. I still have no spiritual path although I have always been aware of a higher presence. So far I feel that the native peoples beliefs deserve the most respect as their beliefs seem to be based on respect and gratitude. There is tangible presence in the land ,sea, sky and the life within. I was about to die this time last year , anyone that was around me could see and did tell me that I was on my way out. I know it sound strange , but something from the land and sea has kept me alive .I’m still here while science says that I should not be. . Bye for now See Ya On The Other Side.

Still Livin Still Dyin Still Tryin

June 17 10 The Song Of the Day Is . “Little Wing” by Stevie Ray Vaughn There just is no break . There is not one moment of being comfortable. The chemo drugs make concentrating , or what I call linear thought difficult. Frustration and fear of being at the mercy of other people contributes greatly to the cause of daily breakdowns. They are not pleasant. I made it outside. The clouds parted in the northeast sky. Shades of vibrant comforting blues overtook the murky reflections on the oceans surface. I basked in it’s comforting glare. June 18 10 0330 The weather this summer has had the decency not to tease me to much. Most of the days have been cool. The chemo drugs coursing through my body leave me in a permanent chill. I hope that I get at least one day when the sun is beating down on the beach , the tide is out and there is the scent of suntan oil on a woman’s skin in the air. Although each new day should be a blessing and eventually is , it takes some time and perseverance to wring some pleasure out of each day. There are only a few hours in each day when the cancer and it’s insidious symptoms along with the chemo drugs allow me to attempt to do any living. Sometime I am successful , sometimes I am not. The few hours that are available are used up staving off the symptoms of the chemo and the cancer. Only 3 breakdowns yesterday. Upon being self analytical I attribute that to the stress involved in trying to figure out the logistics of acquiring the simple requirements of getting through each day. What a waste of precious time. My geographical location sooths my soul. However weeks and sometime times months have gone by where the only opportunity to get out and about is to go to the hospital to get injected with the chemo drugs. I have opted to sooth my soul. I have been and will just do without the physical requirements and keep stroking till dying day. The Song Of The Day Is “ Til I Am Myself Again ” As Performed By Blue Rodeo Bye For Now , See Ya On The Other Side.

The Bad and The Good

June 15 / 10 The Bad ! I tried not to write for awhile and deal with the physical and mental effects of the chemo. I’m finding that I need to put some of the experience down on paper. Otherwise dealing with the effects of the last 5 months or so of chemotherapy in solitude,dirt and poor diet has left me at times walking around in circles , experiencing one breakdown after another.With the chemo there just isn't the steam. It is difficult keeping thoughts linear , but here goes. A handful of other cancer patients get it . Every minute of every hour is a physical and mental struggle. In my case , the only benefit that I have received from the months of chemotherapy has been pain relief. The tumours remain the same , one radiologists opinion is that it is growing. The pains and bleeding have started to return . I have one more cycle left . It starts again in 2 weeks. I am told that “they are hitting me hard “ with the chemo drugs . I guess my tumours are harder. I have been warned that my death is going to be excruciatingly painful. I was living with bone crushing pain just prior to the start of these last 5 cycles of chemo,.(last Christmas) What else goes thru ones mind as far as the cancer is concerned . “The pain , boss the pain” , also when the cancer metastasizes to the brain , anything can happen , blindness , immobility etc. etc. The oncologist told me that this can happen at any moment. The constant vigilance and protocols to stave off infections , bruising that won’t stop spreading and the dealing with the fatigue that is so complete that it seeps into the bones is at the start of every day. Yesterday and so far and this morning 911 has been punched into my phone , I have felt that bad for the last 36 hrs. IV fluids and protein might alleviate my present distress , but the logistics are just to complicated , it’s easier to suffer. I feel like shouting “I’m still here you bastards” (a bit of dialogue that I must have picked up from a scene in the movie “Pappion”) , at no one in particular. The “pressures gotta” go somewhere. Now the day starts , some days this is all there is. The Good ! Peoples intentions are good. I made it to another birthday two days ago. Pushed myself physically . I made it out for a walk. One foot in front of the other. The eagles must be mating now. There was 20 or so out on and over the spit in the early morning on the 13th. While two of them were performing their majestic and playful aerobatics over the beach . Two feathers were dislodged. They spiralled to the ground. I picked one up and kept it , leaving the other behind. I think the sea lions are mating also , they raucously bellow and grunt. I wanted to make it out to the end of the spit , which I couldn't. I did however make it out a ways. The Good. For me I am still willing to keep living on for awhile. There is no physical comfort but there is still something ??? Bye for now . See ya on the other side