The Bad and The Good

June 15 / 10 The Bad ! I tried not to write for awhile and deal with the physical and mental effects of the chemo. I’m finding that I need to put some of the experience down on paper. Otherwise dealing with the effects of the last 5 months or so of chemotherapy in solitude,dirt and poor diet has left me at times walking around in circles , experiencing one breakdown after another.With the chemo there just isn't the steam. It is difficult keeping thoughts linear , but here goes. A handful of other cancer patients get it . Every minute of every hour is a physical and mental struggle. In my case , the only benefit that I have received from the months of chemotherapy has been pain relief. The tumours remain the same , one radiologists opinion is that it is growing. The pains and bleeding have started to return . I have one more cycle left . It starts again in 2 weeks. I am told that “they are hitting me hard “ with the chemo drugs . I guess my tumours are harder. I have been warned that my death is going to be excruciatingly painful. I was living with bone crushing pain just prior to the start of these last 5 cycles of chemo,.(last Christmas) What else goes thru ones mind as far as the cancer is concerned . “The pain , boss the pain” , also when the cancer metastasizes to the brain , anything can happen , blindness , immobility etc. etc. The oncologist told me that this can happen at any moment. The constant vigilance and protocols to stave off infections , bruising that won’t stop spreading and the dealing with the fatigue that is so complete that it seeps into the bones is at the start of every day. Yesterday and so far and this morning 911 has been punched into my phone , I have felt that bad for the last 36 hrs. IV fluids and protein might alleviate my present distress , but the logistics are just to complicated , it’s easier to suffer. I feel like shouting “I’m still here you bastards” (a bit of dialogue that I must have picked up from a scene in the movie “Pappion”) , at no one in particular. The “pressures gotta” go somewhere. Now the day starts , some days this is all there is. The Good ! Peoples intentions are good. I made it to another birthday two days ago. Pushed myself physically . I made it out for a walk. One foot in front of the other. The eagles must be mating now. There was 20 or so out on and over the spit in the early morning on the 13th. While two of them were performing their majestic and playful aerobatics over the beach . Two feathers were dislodged. They spiralled to the ground. I picked one up and kept it , leaving the other behind. I think the sea lions are mating also , they raucously bellow and grunt. I wanted to make it out to the end of the spit , which I couldn't. I did however make it out a ways. The Good. For me I am still willing to keep living on for awhile. There is no physical comfort but there is still something ??? Bye for now . See ya on the other side