Breakdowns

June 19 10 The Song OF the Day Is “White Hot” By Red Ryder 0300 If I had my way and a few hours of feeling comfortable I would be outside. Lying down on a cosy spot , holding a woman tight , watching for the inevitable shooting stars and listening to ocean waves licking up the shoreline. A pleasurable dream is almost as good as the experience at this stage. The breakdowns and the cancer. I am still trying to figure out how to stop breaking down over and over again on a daily basis. I am sure that this will only hasten my bodies demise. I have accepted the fact that I will be dead soon although I am sure that that plays a role in causing the breakdowns. The news 2 weeks ago that the tumours remain the same after all these months of chemotherapy also play a role in causing the breakdowns. All the drugs that leave the mind numb , the bodies constantly changing state also play a role . I’ve been shot at , been ill and stuck in the bush . Had attempts on my life , been in a house as it blew up had to deal with some of the most dangerous people around. Without exaggeration I have put my freedom and my life on the line for my principles. Years of effort and hard dangerous work for a third time around was just about to pay off . Then in one trip to the hospital being told that I have terminal cancer and if I don‘t get chemotherapy that I will be dead within weeks. Then the barrage of tests ,chemotherapy and radiation therapy all pales in comparison to an experience that I am sure that some brave children with cancer and brave sickly elderly cancer patients have experienced. It happened just after I had a CT scan at the cancer agency . I was still in my ass exposing gown and still in the area where the CT scans were performed. The area is comprised of a small nurses office , a room where the CT scans are performed , a tiny waiting room with 6 stacking chairs and 2 small dressing rooms. In other words there was not much room to get lost in. After I had my CT scan I stood outside what I thought was the change room where I had left my clothes . It was the wrong change room ,and there were only 2! After 10 minutes of standing outside the wrong change room with what I can only assume a blank look on my face , a radiologist came up me and asked if I was alright . This brought me back from wherever I was. That ten minutes was pure horror. The barrage of tests , abrupt drastic changes in life’s direction and purpose , the toxins being spewed into my body by the tumours but mainly all the powerful and poisonous drugs had left me blank for those ten minutes. I did not know where I was , what I was doing there, who I was or frankly what I was. It was 10 minutes of terror. I would rather someone saw off my legs than experience that again. The breakdowns? Last week I was helpless and stuck. I have had another 5 sessions of heavy chemotherapy after I was originally told that any more chemo would not improve my quality of life nor extend it. During the recovery period the debilitating effects change by the hour , sometimes by the minute. My body has already been ravaged by the cancer and previous chemo. I suffered at least 3 time more than I should have (still not out of the woods) simply because I forgot to pick up a few dietary items prior to the last cycle of chemo. The breakdowns ! the breakdowns? I figure there are two main reasons for the breakdowns. I am not afraid of dying so I am not whining here , just documenting. One is that I could sense the blankness that I experienced after the before mentioned CT scan. The other is the fear and consequences of being helpless. I still live day to day. As I was told by the Oncologist earlier anything can happen at any moment as they cannot see the early stages pf the cancer metastasizing to my brain. By the time it is evident it is to late anyways. The 3rd reason I for the breakdowns is anger. The anger is directed at myself. Too stupid to remember and anticipate the things that I will need to keep my body nourished for the first week or so after the cycle of chemo. Pissed off at myself for being in this state of helplessness and depressed in the knowledge that the only person that is going to help is myself. Almost 6 months of chemo on my own and these walls ,this time . So I guess it is time to fk off and die or wipe the blood of the walls and garner some strength from something or somewhere and figure out how to get things that need doin in order to try to survive done. (anger and denial are two coping mechanisms , I garner strength from the anger and can sometimes alleviate the symptoms from the cancer and chemo thru denial) Maybe the power from Barbra’s and Bob’s ceremony is on it’s way. Purpose in life ( no matter how bleak things get ) I believe can also help extend my stay on this plane. 0515 Three cups of sugared coffee and I forced my self to make it down to beach . Watched the sunrise , said a prayer of gratitude along with one selfish prayer. I was both humbled and strengthened by my surroundings and the suns appearance as it presented itself from behind the mountains. The picture above is from this morning. Two crows seem to make their appearance whenever I get outside. They come quite close and seem to hang around and keep me company. I still have no spiritual path although I have always been aware of a higher presence. So far I feel that the native peoples beliefs deserve the most respect as their beliefs seem to be based on respect and gratitude. There is tangible presence in the land ,sea, sky and the life within. I was about to die this time last year , anyone that was around me could see and did tell me that I was on my way out. I know it sound strange , but something from the land and sea has kept me alive .I’m still here while science says that I should not be. . Bye for now See Ya On The Other Side.