Tired

Sun. Feb. 28/ 10
I feel privileged that during the times when I feel relatively well and that I have luxury of some time to explore in any intellectual and spiritual direction that I choose. That is probably why I get frustrated when the cancer curbs my mobility and the pain muddles my thoughts. I tell the DR,s and other health care practitioners that my goal is to live long enough see a bit of the coming summer. Their response is that I should take things one day at a time. The pains that I experience seems to be the paramount concern. No one is saying “aw you’ll make it till summer”. Rather I more often than not hear “take things one day at a time”. It is a bit unnerving when they obviously consider my living for a few more months iffy.I am grateful for the periods of time that I am pain free. There is power in ancestry and strength in faith. Tired !

Tsunami

Sat. Feb. 27/10 1404 There is a tsumami warning for my area . Since I am only 30 ft from the ocean I am a bit concerned. Estimates are for 1500 PST which coincides with high tide in this area. Kinda exciting in a weird way. I managed to go for 300 yrd walk along the beach today. I have been in this apt. for weeks and weeks with only visits to the the hospital. Managing to get out , hovever briefy is exhilarating. Tomorrow I will try for 400 yrds , the big guy/girl and my body willing. Well the tsunami is supposed to be here soon if it comes. Going to sit by the water and see what happens .It is funny , if it does come there is no way of getting to higher ground.

Fingers Crossed

Feb. 26 10 0240 The connection between the body and psyche become more apparent as I take this walk towards death. The nature of my thoughts change with the ebb and flow of the cancer’s progress through my body. I can feel it when my body and chemo drugs are fighting back as much as I can feel it when the cancer is taking over my body. When the body is fighting back thoughts turn to eartly desires . Good food , beautiful lanscapes , women and the hope of still being able to do some living. When the cancer is winning , spewing its toxic discharge into my system thoughts become more spiritual. I get tired of the maliciousnes of our species and start to thinking that there must be something or somewhere else where good prevails. I hope that these next rounds of chemo at least alleviate the symptoms for awhile. I have only had one session of chemo , the pain in the sides of my chest and the pain surrounding the main tumour have subsided. Even a few hours of relative comfort a day would be a godsend and I would be gratefull. Oh to not have to push one’s self every minute of every day. I know that the chemo was working last time but was cut short due to infections. I have not had any gut wrenching pain for a few weeks now. There is no comfort , but the discomfort compared to what I am used to is bearable. I have alredy lasted twice as long as most cancer patients that had similar diagnosis so I should feel fortunate and be gratefull. Most of the times I am. I do have to admit that I have to struggle to stay in the positive . I often falter but eventually succeed for awhile. Mortality/Morbidity
Approximately 65-70% of patients with small cell lung cancer have disseminated or extensive disease at presentation. Extensive-stage small cell lung cancers are incurable, and patients with extensive disease have a median survival duration of 6 weeks. Patients presenting with localized disease (ie, limited stage) have a median survival duration of about 12 weeks. These survival figures are for untreated patients. The median survival of patients with small cell lung cancer who are treated with multiple agent chemotherapy and multimodality therapy are as follows:
For extensive disease, 12 months with a 2-year survival rate in 1993 of 1.5% and 2-year survival rate in 2000 of 4.6%
I know that I could lay down, decide to die and it would be over within a few weeks. The times when death is at my shoulder , dreams become meaningful and vivid. As I mentioned before there is no such thing as a refreshing sleep. It is more like passing out, travelling to a different place and coming back exhausted. The dreams during this state ars not just the subconscious mulling over previous stimulus and events. Sometimes when I lay down and just prior to passing out everything goes white , eyes closed. Other times I dare not pass out . At these times I sense that there will be no returning. I swear at these times one can feel death hovering. I try to keep moving as there is some degree of comfort in movement. Although the DR’s tell me not to push the activity I really don’t see what I have to lose. I have found that sometimes when I push past the point of almost falling down ,something kicks in and suddenly I feel better (endorphines?). If I push to much past that point I end up paying for it with days of pain.If I stop just at the right time I feel much better. The next day I try to increase that activity slightly. I usually end up overdoing it. Get shut down by the pain then have to start again. Activity at this point is staying on my feet for most of the day, some stretches and a walk on the beach. I can still only make it about 100ft down the beach and back but with this last round of chemo I sense something kicking in. Back to the mind and body. Just as the mind tends to gravitate towards the the spiritual when the body is on the way out. The mind tends to gravitate to earthly pursuits when it is fighting and holding it’s own against the cancer. Since this first session of chemo that I had last week , thoughts have become more earthbound. I am hoping that this means the big Guy/ Girl is giving me more time . Although I am not afrad of dying I am not quite ready yet. There is something left to do? But I do not know what it is. Bye for Now Going on week 7 . The only time that I get out is to go to the hospital. Send lawyers , guns and money.

Dignity

Feb. 25/10 0238 I write down a date in a makeshift journal. If I am tired or have a lot of in my mind , I jot down a few thoughts in point form. I do not always have the time and energy to elaborate. The next time when I sit down to write something , the previous days entry stares back at me. The stark and threadbare entry reminds me of how how important we are to ourselves ,yet how insignificant we actually are. When I strip away the unnecessary aspects of life and am ready to die there and now. I ask . What is left that matters? One human attribute that sticks out is one’s dignity. What constitutes that dignity in ones own eyes , what is required of oneself in relation to others to maintain that dignity. No lies to ones self! It does not matter whether others acknowledge the actions one must take to achieve this. Acknowledged or not , other people that are associated with will sooner or later , if not understand the sincerity , will feel it. Dignity matters , but what makes us feel good? There is temporary satisfaction and some physical comfort upon accumulating trinkets ( the big house , boat etc,) , but all to often people chase trinkets with more desperation and ruthlessness than a junkie looking for a fix. There is no dignity or maturity in selfishness or desperation.There is no dignity in a car. What makes us feel good is how others percieve us. We mistake other peoples enviousness of our baubles for fulfilment. Unfortunately with trinkets , just like the junkie there is never enough and other people become less important than their next fix. Experiences , and surprisingly adverse experiences form a bond and closeness that can not be bought. I assume that is why we drift away from the ones we love. The new daily experiences and contacts start to creep into the special places in our souls where we cherish our loved ones. Absence can also lessen the pain upon the souls departure. The Song of the Day Is “All the Kings Men” by Tom Cochrane The Cancer: I look almost well. The boiling cauldroun inside however becomes a bit much. There is never any comfort. Not even in sleep. Perhaps the chemo therapy that I am now having will change that , statistically the odds are slim. I do not remember what it is like to feel comfortable. Morphine is not the answer and do not take any. Other than the trips to the hospital I have pretty well been in my 300 sq. ft. for 7 weeks now and months on months prior to that. That is cruel but “Ces’t la vie” . With the chemo I have not been able to get to the beach even for a short walk. There is some degree of comfort in movement. I know that I will lose the use of my legs when the cancer metastasises further and am wondering if I will accept the immobility. Obviously there is a sense of urgency when I do have the capability to do something and am frustrated that I have to let those moments pass. The days get longer , my life grows shorter. If I live this way till mid-may there will be another 3 to 5 weeks of recovery and then possibly a few months of symptom free living. Is it worth it? Or is modern medicine stalling my final call?

A Bit of Fight

Feb. 23 / 10 0215 Sometimes there are pleasant surprises. Although physically uncomfortable there are periods when I manage to put myself in a state of peacefullness. I cherish these moments , however brief. I am fortunate that I have had , and hopefully still have some time to reflect upon the significance of moments of joy. I try to accept mans ugly side with a Vietnams Vets resolve of “ don’t mean nothing” but fall short. I still cannot manage to shut my eyes and pretend not to see. I can’t help but feel that we are all somehow responsible to one another. The transparency of intentions are all too clear. While the clock is running out I am trying to be as honest with myself and others as possible. This is more difficult than it may seem but is rewarding when accomplished. Life has been anything but conventional. Many paths have lead me in many directions. Some beautiful , some hilarious , some horrendous , some spiritual. A “dam the torpedoes” and “lets see what lies at the end of this road” attitude has put me into situations that could not be planned or anticipated. I am not always sure if I was more interested in the what has happened as to the why. Hence the observations of intention and behavior as to how and why we react the way we do in certain circumstances. An inquisitiveness in regards to humane nature and an impending early demise give’s me licence to contemplate. I have always considered people that do not take the time to consider the ramifications of their actions in life as morally lazy. The “business is business” attitude is nothing more than spoiled children bickering over candy. It is hilarious to watch the pillars of society behave like greedy street urchins trying to steal as much as they can from each other , greedily trying to hoard as many possessions as they can grab while blaming each other for any shotrtgivings. One can observe Cops behave worse than the criminals and their actions result in other peoples misery and deaths. Politicians self-serving policies that also cause untold human suffering and deaths. Yea ! In Canada no less. I say this because I have been fortunate enough to have won the best lottery of all. To be born Canadian. It hurts to see the people that are supposed to be moral are more often than not the most devoid of morality. There is a dark underside in policing and our courts that should be told. The comparison between Stephen Harper and Wayne Kellistine comes to mind. The hand in glove relationship between authourities and drug dealers in British Columbia also comes to mind. Lots of money , lots of pain. Those stories will follow. I have not had the luxury of going through life with my eyes closed nor the comfort of the hypocacy that eminates from living a life of accumulation. I did walk that path successfully a few times but found it empty. The cancer did catch me with my pants down however, I do not regret going through life with my eyes open. There dam good stories too. The Cancer. I am back to praying for , if not for more time at least some comfort. Things I am grateful for. The last few good hrs., the upcoming sunrise, children’s smiles , beautiful women , being born Canadian , each new day.

On till Summer ?

Mon. Feb. 22 / 10 The song of the Day ( Neil Young’s “Heart of Gold” just came on so that is it) The Cancer ; The cancer thrives . The chemotherapy is in fill swing now. It may seem trite , but the difficulty now lies in trying to accomplish the day to day requirements of living. Trying to stave off infections and to try to get proper nutrition. I niether have the energy or any way of getting laundry done , getting out to shop for food is iffy at best. I do not have the energy and the threat of being exposed bugs is daunting. The chemo drugs are in full swing , my immunity to infections and bugs is low . My last cycles of chemo had to be cut short because an infection almost killed me. If these cycles get cut short , or an infection kicks in the cancer will win in short order. I try to get down to the beach for a walk. I did make it the 10 ft down the rock steps , turned around and came back , to dizzy and tired. My lower body , legs and feet do not seem to work properly . I finally had a bone scan done . What was supposed to take 30 min. took hrs. They kept scanning and rescanning different parts of my body and then rushed me in for unscheduled X-rays . The radiologist said that he needed the x-rays to confirm. (?) Cold , my body temp. goes down to 34.1 C when I lay down. Almost a full degree into mild hypothermia. My hands get so cold that they feel like they are frostbite. The fatigue is overwhelming. Minutes are hrs . hrs are days and days are months. This would be a good thing if what was slowing the time down wasn’t physical discomfort. There is a mental and spiritual condundrum however. I try not to be weak and slide into an angry mode. I am well beyond the “why me” stage and well past denial or wishing for a miracle. I do find it difficult when I have to deal with other peoples denial . Other than on rare occasions I only see health care professionals, so that has not been a problem for months. I do use anger to motivate myself. The anger is directed at myself , probably not to healthy but it works. My physical goal now is to survive today , next week and the next few months till summer. The spiritual goal is to make some sort of peace with this world. It both inspires me with its beauty and sickens me with our capability of callousness towards each other.

Try Again

Sun. Feb. 14 / 10 Gung Hoy Fat Choi

Breaking

Tues. Feb. 9 10 0648 Well here I am again. The cancer is taking over again. In a few days I will be going for 4 or 5 cycles of chemotherapy (84 days) with at least 5 weeks of recovery after that. If ! I survive the chemo . My gut feeling is apprehensive as to whether or not I will survive the chemo. I am not prepared for it ,nor am I capable of getting ready for it. People seem sympathetic , but no one is or will be here for the fight. “ C’est La Vie” . Right now , 3 days of tests left. I have no idea how I am going to make to these appts. There is not much physical energy left. That leaves 2 days with which to do any living till the chemo takes its toll. The big black dog (depression) has been back for awhile. One aspect of human nature is clear. We do abandon people when they weaken. Maybe the Inuit got it right. The injured and the elderly go off on their own to die so as to not draw resourses from the people who will be staying behind. The morning was gorgeous again. The orange slivered moon reflecting a bright ray towards the shore on it’s still calm surface.

Seven

Feb.7 / 10 0410 7 days to hell. 0912 Chemo already twice postponed starts a week tomorrow. Although there still is a gauntlet of tests to run. I have a bad feeling about these next cycles. My premonition is that overlooked intestinal problems and / or some underlying low grade infection will be my demise. I could be wrong , on the other hand I did predict that I would be dead around this time and do have a witness to prove it. Time is marching on “double time now”. It is not so much being afraid of dying as to being lost in a chemical soup during my last days? Weeks ? Months . I am going to die alone , which is alright. Pain medications just do not work. One gets lost in a chemical haze but the pain and discomfort are still there. At the moment of passing I would like to be as lucid as possible. At this stage all priorities are laid bare and exposed. All intentions are naked .Doing some living in the next few days . Forget it. The sense of urgency sometimes is overwhelming. Live or die there is only 7 days left in which there will be any sense of being among the living . Either for months or forever. On the plus side . The new Oncologist seems to be on the ball and so far has been one of the few health care practitioners that seems to have a handle on the disease as far as the patient is concerned. Although it is not intentional, other health care practitioners might as well be treating a thesis rather than a person. What is left ? Take a few pictures. Leave some thoughts behind. I do not think that I will make any sort of spiritual headway on this earthly plain and will just have wait for what is next. I have had too many non physical experiences to believe that we are just a convenient mish mash of cells and that once we physically die that that is the end. On the plus side . The early morning was gorgeous . The ocean was as smooth as a princesses ass. The early morning blues emanating in and over the water could not be captured either by a picture or on a canvas. I feel privileged for being able to experience the beauty.

Brief Peace

Jan. 30 10 . Considering the last 15 days I finally started to feel close to being physically well last night. The first 5 of the last 15 spent standing up with 7/10 to 10/10 pain then gradually feeling better. I have 4 days of ,I hope , relative physical well being . Then chemo and 84 days of hell. I have a bad feeling about the upcoming chemo. It also is coming at a time when there will be no support other than from the medical establishment. The sense of urgency is always there when one is living with terminal cancer.There is only a few good hours in a day , only a few good days in the week , and sometimes no good days for weeks. “Going” on ones own terms should be a viable alternative .On the bright side I did start feeling better last night. Spiritually the search is kinda on. In an absurd way I am fortunate . I know I will die soon and how I will die. There is time to spiritually prepare for my physicall departure. I have been a pantheist of sorts since early in my life. People in organized religions confuse this attitude towards life as disrespectful to their beliefs. Considering my ancestral back ground it is small wonder that I find any organization , religious or otherwise , that requires one to follow its’ doctrines blindly , unpalatable. Faith comes in many guises , no one , no religion or organization has an monopoly on faith. Pondering the spirituall question brings comfort as there is a dissasociation from the physical. I can not plan for an earthly future . My only concern for the earthly future is for the people that are left behind an the suffering that everyone endures. I have come so close to dying so many times that I feel that I do have some insight on the spiritual question.

Days

Jan . 29/09 The cancer: Recent tests have shown that the main tumour is growing again. There is also a possibility that the cancer has invaded my bone. The oncologist have determined that 4 more cycles of chemotherapy might ? do some good . That ’s 84 days of hell , then a recovery period after that. The Dr,s told me that “studies showed that after a person has received chemo and radiation that any more chemo would not significantly benefit a paitents health or extend life expectancy. I can not get an answer as to what has changed or as to why they have decided that more chemo might help. I have a bad feeling about the whole situation. The last cycles of chemo dam near killed me. My body has never fully recovered. Complications haunt me on a bi- weekly basis. The alternative however is letting the tumours thrive. Life on this plane would then be over shortly. I have till mid next week to make up my mind. I can feel the symptoms that I felt prior to my initial diagonsis. They are severe but not as scary this time around as I know the cause. I have been facing and coming close to death on a regular basis and dying although at times terrifying is not as scary as it once was. I can feel the cancer taking over. I can be sitting and watching a TV program and suddenly feel death tapping on my shoulder .This is no joke , one really can feel deaths presence. It is like a brief panic attack only deep inside one knows that the body is sending signals that it will expire soon. This also can happen when one is asleep (for lack of a better term because there really is no sleep as I once used to experience it) suddenly one bolts out of bed thoughts of mortality filling ones head. There is no real sleep , I just go to a different state and come back more exhausted than before. Then I force my body into moving until some semblance of energy returns for awhile. Sometimes I lay my head down , close my eyes in a dark room and everything goes white. The few people that were around are no longer there. I guess I am living too long for anyone to handle. I do understand , the dying don’t fit into someones life for any length of time. The healthy can not always handle the time or possibly facing their own mortality being around the dying. I did know that this situation would arise a long time ago as I have seen this behaviour in the past. Sometimes it is extremely difficult for me to have people around. I wondered why . People suffering from PTSD often feel the same way. I have joked with the few people that I talk too that I should have had PTSD for not having PTSD counselling. I have been no less self indulgent with my time and resourses than anyone else. We all justify our actions to ourselves one way or another. I would have liked to have been able to have spent more energy on the spritual aspect of dying . It is a natural part of this journey whatever the destination , although I get the feeling that there is no destination but rather an ongoing experience. There is ! a separation of soul and body. There would be no way of coping the assaults on the body if there was not. The mind and soul knows that the body is on it’s way out. Memory becomes more clear of feelings that we had during certain events. I can remember the my emotional state and how I felt at certain times in my life clearly . Even back to early child hood. In schools we are taught history by memorizing dates when certain events occurred. Recently I have found that if one can conjure up ones emotional state during a place and time ones memory of the past is much clearer. we reminisce , not only to remember what actually took place during an experience but more so how we felt when that experience took place. Time now has a whole new meaning. Needless to say there is always a sense of urgency. Towards what I do not know. The urgency is there especially when the are moments of relative physical well being. One feels like “living” for a bit during these times.

Dignity

Jan. 16/10 It must be genetically ingrained intro our phsyce to attempt to rob the dignity of those less fortunate or weaker than ourselves. Think about this and you will realize that at one time or another that you have been both a perpetrator and victim of this trait. In certain situations my pride is now more valuable to me than my life.