Days

Jan . 29/09 The cancer: Recent tests have shown that the main tumour is growing again. There is also a possibility that the cancer has invaded my bone. The oncologist have determined that 4 more cycles of chemotherapy might ? do some good . That ’s 84 days of hell , then a recovery period after that. The Dr,s told me that “studies showed that after a person has received chemo and radiation that any more chemo would not significantly benefit a paitents health or extend life expectancy. I can not get an answer as to what has changed or as to why they have decided that more chemo might help. I have a bad feeling about the whole situation. The last cycles of chemo dam near killed me. My body has never fully recovered. Complications haunt me on a bi- weekly basis. The alternative however is letting the tumours thrive. Life on this plane would then be over shortly. I have till mid next week to make up my mind. I can feel the symptoms that I felt prior to my initial diagonsis. They are severe but not as scary this time around as I know the cause. I have been facing and coming close to death on a regular basis and dying although at times terrifying is not as scary as it once was. I can feel the cancer taking over. I can be sitting and watching a TV program and suddenly feel death tapping on my shoulder .This is no joke , one really can feel deaths presence. It is like a brief panic attack only deep inside one knows that the body is sending signals that it will expire soon. This also can happen when one is asleep (for lack of a better term because there really is no sleep as I once used to experience it) suddenly one bolts out of bed thoughts of mortality filling ones head. There is no real sleep , I just go to a different state and come back more exhausted than before. Then I force my body into moving until some semblance of energy returns for awhile. Sometimes I lay my head down , close my eyes in a dark room and everything goes white. The few people that were around are no longer there. I guess I am living too long for anyone to handle. I do understand , the dying don’t fit into someones life for any length of time. The healthy can not always handle the time or possibly facing their own mortality being around the dying. I did know that this situation would arise a long time ago as I have seen this behaviour in the past. Sometimes it is extremely difficult for me to have people around. I wondered why . People suffering from PTSD often feel the same way. I have joked with the few people that I talk too that I should have had PTSD for not having PTSD counselling. I have been no less self indulgent with my time and resourses than anyone else. We all justify our actions to ourselves one way or another. I would have liked to have been able to have spent more energy on the spritual aspect of dying . It is a natural part of this journey whatever the destination , although I get the feeling that there is no destination but rather an ongoing experience. There is ! a separation of soul and body. There would be no way of coping the assaults on the body if there was not. The mind and soul knows that the body is on it’s way out. Memory becomes more clear of feelings that we had during certain events. I can remember the my emotional state and how I felt at certain times in my life clearly . Even back to early child hood. In schools we are taught history by memorizing dates when certain events occurred. Recently I have found that if one can conjure up ones emotional state during a place and time ones memory of the past is much clearer. we reminisce , not only to remember what actually took place during an experience but more so how we felt when that experience took place. Time now has a whole new meaning. Needless to say there is always a sense of urgency. Towards what I do not know. The urgency is there especially when the are moments of relative physical well being. One feels like “living” for a bit during these times.