Seven

Feb.7 / 10 0410 7 days to hell. 0912 Chemo already twice postponed starts a week tomorrow. Although there still is a gauntlet of tests to run. I have a bad feeling about these next cycles. My premonition is that overlooked intestinal problems and / or some underlying low grade infection will be my demise. I could be wrong , on the other hand I did predict that I would be dead around this time and do have a witness to prove it. Time is marching on “double time now”. It is not so much being afraid of dying as to being lost in a chemical soup during my last days? Weeks ? Months . I am going to die alone , which is alright. Pain medications just do not work. One gets lost in a chemical haze but the pain and discomfort are still there. At the moment of passing I would like to be as lucid as possible. At this stage all priorities are laid bare and exposed. All intentions are naked .Doing some living in the next few days . Forget it. The sense of urgency sometimes is overwhelming. Live or die there is only 7 days left in which there will be any sense of being among the living . Either for months or forever. On the plus side . The new Oncologist seems to be on the ball and so far has been one of the few health care practitioners that seems to have a handle on the disease as far as the patient is concerned. Although it is not intentional, other health care practitioners might as well be treating a thesis rather than a person. What is left ? Take a few pictures. Leave some thoughts behind. I do not think that I will make any sort of spiritual headway on this earthly plain and will just have wait for what is next. I have had too many non physical experiences to believe that we are just a convenient mish mash of cells and that once we physically die that that is the end. On the plus side . The early morning was gorgeous . The ocean was as smooth as a princesses ass. The early morning blues emanating in and over the water could not be captured either by a picture or on a canvas. I feel privileged for being able to experience the beauty.