Jan. 30 10 . Considering the last 15 days I finally started to feel close to being physically well last night. The first 5 of the last 15 spent standing up with 7/10 to 10/10 pain then gradually feeling better. I have 4 days of ,I hope , relative physical well being . Then chemo and 84 days of hell. I have a bad feeling about the upcoming chemo. It also is coming at a time when there will be no support other than from the medical establishment. The sense of urgency is always there when one is living with terminal cancer.There is only a few good hours in a day , only a few good days in the week , and sometimes no good days for weeks. “Going” on ones own terms should be a viable alternative .On the bright side I did start feeling better last night. Spiritually the search is kinda on. In an absurd way I am fortunate . I know I will die soon and how I will die. There is time to spiritually prepare for my physicall departure. I have been a pantheist of sorts since early in my life. People in organized religions confuse this attitude towards life as disrespectful to their beliefs. Considering my ancestral back ground it is small wonder that I find any organization , religious or otherwise , that requires one to follow its’ doctrines blindly , unpalatable. Faith comes in many guises , no one , no religion or organization has an monopoly on faith. Pondering the spirituall question brings comfort as there is a dissasociation from the physical. I can not plan for an earthly future . My only concern for the earthly future is for the people that are left behind an the suffering that everyone endures. I have come so close to dying so many times that I feel that I do have some insight on the spiritual question.
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