Tick Tock

April 24 /10 An old friend , whom I know has passed away , came to me in my sleep last night. We embraced , I awoke crying. It was not a bad crying .The Song of The Day Is : “Tick Tock“ by The Vaughan Brothers Bye for now . See ya on the other side

A Womans Lie

I shovel new soil under each footstep / as I do not wish to haunt your dreams / while into my blood / characters stack new character / pushing forward to through the uncharted voids / I close the wounds and enjoy the ride / as there is new air in each breath / some is stale with life’s maliciousness / some is fresh honeyed anticipation / when I am the sea I watch the sky / when I am the land I watch the sea / when I am air I ride the wind / remaining as honest as a woman’s lie / and tight lipped as a priests vow. Azab

Back of The Mind

April 21 /10 2400 There is so much to say. I try to nurture the moments of clarity when my body and disease allows . Questions that are on the verge of being answered tease me like an enamoured schoolboy waiting for his first kiss. Then the body turns on itself and attempting to concentrate is difficult if not impossible. Like sticking a knife into ones leg , keep twisting the blade and then trying to get on with ones day. All the time knowing that that you could die at any time. I tell myself ,”just keep moving” , just keep moving” Hoping that the body will kick in and give me some moments of feeling semi-well. Well enough to concentrate for awhile. There is only so much of this time left in the bank so to speak , and the banker is getting greedy. The only way to muster up the energy it takes to concentrate is to disassociate myself from my body. Being this close to death for so so long should be providing me with some insight. Insight into those itchy questions that are always on the back of your mind. That slightly uncomfortable feeling of being unsure that nags. What I do know is that there are questions that we can only answer for ourselves. Death is no longer a morbid topic that is on my mind . It has become an experience that have been facing for some time now. An experience that will be coming to a conclusion shortly. At least this earthly aspect of it. There are two parts to this experience right now. The physical. Try to take care of the body and material requirements for the day. This usually takes up more time and energy than I have. I have no choice but to let things go sometimes. I do not get second chances to play catch up and get things done. Subsequently diet and staying away from life threatening situations gets bypassed. Each time that part of the of the process of trying to stay alive is neglected my life is shortened. The time is not coming back. The other aspect involves putting aside all physical comforts , ambitions and selfishness. Turn both inward and outward at the same time and become completely honest with oneself. Then I can try to move to a state of mind where my passing does not feel so daunting. I think a lot of the fear associated with dying is just the bodies biological reactions the process of shutting down. Pain ,weakness , not being able to breath and the barrage of debilitating symptoms take a toll on one’s mind. The feelings of helplessness and aloneness thrust me into a depression that takes a lot of effort to overcome. Once I get past all of that , the mind is receptive to things that matter . Then I try to put myself into a state where one finds some continuity and peace. What I would ask for in the short time that is left in my life is for a comfortable sanctuary. So that I can face my earthly end with some comfort ,contemplation and in some peace and to be spared life’s petty jealousies and the constant barrage of people’s insecure infernal pursuit of material objects .Back to the insight on those itchy questions that are always on the back of ones mind if tomorrow comes. Bye for now . See ya on the other side. The Song of The Day Is . “Ballad of Thin Man” Written by B. Dylan as performed by Stephen Malkmus

Standby

Tues. April 20 /10 0200 The Cancer and the Chemo. The sleeping world is no longer the sleeping world . The waking world is no longer the waking world. Consciousness and unconsciousness dance with each other , following each others footsteps as one. In the last 17 hours there have been moments when I feel like I am slipping away. I feel death brush by and tap my shoulder. I realize why cultures give death a physical entity. One can sense death hovering , whirling and grasping at ones soul. Linear thought becomes difficult. I am aware of the effort that it takes to open and close my eyes. Getting up and moving around is scary as I am not sure if I am going to stay on my feet. Reading a few pages from a book is tiring and requires much effort. I look in the mirror and see deaths outline trying to envelop me. I have been in this state before. I try to get moving and hope that the body kicks in . Something is telling me that pushing my body at this point could be fatal. 0301 I wait as time ticks away , trying to get the gumption up to continue on longer. TEARS AND KISSES tears and kisses on the same cheeks / the soul like the land / breathtaking but uncaring whether the body lives or dies / do not love the dead / we have left and will not be back / unpacked all our baggage and left it where it stands / like all of life’s promises that were never meant to be kept / the past will not last here / but only stains memories / there will be no shoes left at the door / the tears will not last / all tears run down the same cheeks / tears of pain / tears of sadness / tears of pleasure / tears of joy / drip and mingle into life’s salient emotional pool / where memories purpose rusts / do not argue with the dead / we are already dust . Azab

Maybe Tomorrow

April 18 / 10 0248 As living slows down and one knows that the end ( or beginning?) is near. Aspects of time slow down. Physically I wonder what the next few hours will bring. I try to follow the protocols that must be taken to avoid the life threatening situations. Watch for bruising as the bleeding may not stop. Stay away from any people That might be ill. Usually however the bacteria from one own body is what kills people in my situation. The day is filled with trying to stay hygienic and maintain enough sustenance to keep the ever changing needs of the body. At the moment there just is not enough energy to or the means to do this properly. If the temperature rises get to the hospital … … … ! The low can be not being able to drink a glass of water and having to concentrate to breath .The high is getting dressed and get myself outside and bask in the nature that brings me some peace. Movement and the getting outside lift some of the burden . I try to get past the "Yo-Yo" effects of the chemo and anti nausea drugs . The chemo drugs exhaust the body and make me feel constantly ill. The anti- nausea drugs keep me awake. I was at the hospital every day last week .As a consequence of the of the opposing effects of the drugs I have been exhausted but on my feet for all of about 10 hrs since last Tues. night , today being Sunday. Some things’ gotta give soon , one way or the other. The drugs are necessary poisons, but poison just the same. Coursing through my body. Killing cells throughout my body with the hope that some of the cancer will be killed while not killing me. So far there has been no luck on either count. I try to put all of that aside and get constructively cerebral for a moment without becoming despondent. Unfortunately because of circumstances and events last week I have only a minor rant and observation to share. As living slows down and one knows that the end ( or beginning ? ) is near. Aspects of time slow down.I have never been able to ignore noticing people saying one thing while their actions convey a totally opposite intention. At this stage these contradictions are even more transparent. I watch world events unfold. I observe that when intentions of one group (religious ,political ,whatever) towards another group appears to be,or is vulnerable and/or do not fit into the others agenda are they considered fair game to be treated maliciously and with contempt. The attempts at genocide of the native peoples of North America to the genocides that have repeatedly occurred in the rest of the world must be the collective effect of what already lives inside us. It starts with the criticism (or putting down) of others around oneself with the intention of lifting ones own standing and becomes ugly as it blossoms. I have yet to meet anyone that can regularly practice their moral convictions that they purport to live by when it is inconvenient to do so. Nor have I ever been able to understand why people become malicious and go out of their way to make life difficult for other people just for the sake of being malicious. I have been somewhat guilty of the former at times , but never of the latter. The Song Of The Day Is “This Magic Moment” By Jay and The Americans . This day could use something pretty. Bye for now . See Ya on the other side.

Decisions

April 13 /10 It tiss the night before the start of another cycle of Chemo. I stand nose to nose with mortality again. The smell of spring is in the air. The sea lions are back in close to shore when I manage to make down to the beach. These gifts bring me some pleasure and a sense of grounding. The chemo . The chemo and the anti-nausea drugs seem to make linear thought difficult. Days get stuck in eternity when the body is rebelling and the chemo and other pharmaceuticals take their effect. The chemo is not shrinking the tumours this time . Decisions ? Decisions? . I ’ll get through till tomorrow and see what the day brings. Bye For Now . See ya on the other side. The Song of The Day Is . “I Know A Place” by The Staple Singers

Watchin The Tide

April 9 /10 0303 This dying from cancer is similar to playing Russian roulette. The difference being that this game is fixed , I know that I am going to lose , the gun is stuck inside. Every day I wait for the trigger to be pulled. 0830 I managed to get out and go for my walk along the beach today. The summers rising sun bestows a myriad of shades of blue upon the waters and the mountains during the summer. This morning those colours that no paint or photo can capture were starting to bloom , hinting at the coming beauty. I am blessed with moment to revel. A crane let me walk by within 20 ft. An eagle on a rock let me do the same. Maybe they sense that I am of no threat to them. Whatever the case it is a treat.I would like to live long enough to experience some of the coming summer. I am trying to subdue the my bad premonition and the sensation of the cancer growing inside. Other than the loss of hair I can almost pass myself off as a healthy person for a short while.I can still hide the boiling cauldron inside for a short period of time. The Song of The Day Is : “(Sittin on the) Dock of The Bay” as performed by the Staple Singers. Bye for Now , See ya on the other side.

Acquaintances ,Past and Present

Mar. 8 / 10 I can sense life slipping away. Like grains of sand falling through the hour glass. Sometimes more sand drops through the opening than other times. I am not being totally metaphorical here . I can physically feel the life that I have left in me slipping away. There are small windows of when there is enough energy and semblance of wellness to do anything. These periods of time are becoming shorter and less frequent. I have few of these times left and once their gone their gone. I am hanging on and continue to do so. People I know are tiring and have little time for me. I did anticipate this a long time ago. People have lives and must get on with it. They will justify all their actions to themselves one way or another and will view themselves in the light of their own intentions. That is just the way things are. I put it behind me, get on the best that I can and am grateful for the time that I have left. Dreams. The consensus amongst people that have had experience with the dying is that one should paying attention to the lucid intense dreams that one experiences when close to death. Lately acquaintances from my past have made appearances in my dreams. A different person, soul?, has appeared each night for the last few nights . Some of the souls in my dreams I know have passed away . Maybe they are the welcoming committee from the other side. The chemo and the cancer. I wrote before starting the chemo that I had a bad feeling about the outcome of the chemotherapy. My body just is not bouncing back from the chemo. The next cycle has been delayed again as my blood count just is not returning to the levels that it should be. The Dr.’s are unsure if the chemo is killing the cancer cells. For the last months and months my days are spent waiting and litigating with bureaucrats in the hopes to have the means for survival. I anticipate that this is the way that I will spend my last days. . The effects of the chemo and cancer top of my days. I still try to get into the positive but it is becoming more of a stretch each day. One way or the other , some things gotta give. The Song of The Day Is: “Starry Starry Night” by Don McLean Bye For Now . See ya on the other side

Some Days

April 4 /10 0130 The Song of the Day Is: “Miles From Nowhere” by Cat Stevens . I am sure that some days are better for dying than others

Four More

April 3 / 10 0245 The Song Of the Day is “Where to Now St. Peter” by Elton John and Bernie Taupin , The Cancer and the chemo. The statistical prognosis of my life expectancy year ago last October was 6 to 8 months. The new prognosis at this stage is 2 to 3 months. Four more cycles of chemo will take 91 more days. This leaves me a bit confused as to why I am going through the chemo. The chemo has reduced the severity of the most severe of symptoms. Dealing with the effects of the chemo is not a pleasant way to live. I get some good hours for a few days after the first week after 3 days of getting pumped full of drugs. The first week is pure hell after being pumped full of dope. I am sometimes more comfortable than I was just prior to starting these latest cycles. I pray and hope to prove the statistics wrong. It would be nice if I would get a few months of at least semi-comfortable living after the chemo. I feel like I have so much more to do here . My body disagrees and impatiently rushes me towards the end. Each minute of each waking hour requires a push. There is no rest in sleep. It is difficult to motivate myself knowing what lies ahead in the near future. I try to get past all of the discomfort and finality of my situation and try to find some pretty words and motivation. I’m afraid that I become haggard and fall short a good part of the time. Bye for Now , See Ya on the Other Side . .

Mortality and Myself

April 2 /10 0400 As the patrons of each generation get closer to the end they reminisce. This tendency grows stronger as one approaches the end of their time here. Each generation believes that life was harder and the good times sweeter than what the current generation is experiencing. If one looks closely one realizes that nothing much changes from one generation to the next. Each one has it own demons and angels. Each one as important as the other. Myself and my mortality are spending this my last Easter together. Circumstances and health permit me to do little else. After months and months of 4 walls and having the my body kick the crap out of itself I am grateful that at least I still can reminisce. The Cancer will metastasize to my brain if I continue living much longer , This can manifest itself at any moment. I am not looking forward to effects if this. Blindness , deafness , suddenly becoming crippled can occur at any time. I can usually fool myself and put this out of my mind for awhile. Then just like dirty laundry the reality comes back to haunt. The daily stress of just trying to get by each day has also taken it’s toll as have the powerful chemo drugs , the pain and constant fatigue. I am not whining but documenting.This is the daily grind that has been going on day in and day out for well over year and half now.The physical onslaught has been going daily for a much longer time. Back to the hospital on Monday thru Thurs. . More chemo drugs and then the hellish slide that follows. I believe that I am hanging on a bit to long for most people that I know. The seas are massive outside my window today and it is high tide right now , 0700. The ocean has the capacity to throw 60 ft. logs 5 ft. or more in diameter around like matchsticks. I watch from behind the glass. There is comfort in being humbled by nature in this way. So far no new pains today , This is a bonus as is living to see another Easter. My mortality and myself will make the best of this my last Easter. Bye for now . See ya on the other side. .