Maybe Tomorrow

April 18 / 10 0248 As living slows down and one knows that the end ( or beginning?) is near. Aspects of time slow down. Physically I wonder what the next few hours will bring. I try to follow the protocols that must be taken to avoid the life threatening situations. Watch for bruising as the bleeding may not stop. Stay away from any people That might be ill. Usually however the bacteria from one own body is what kills people in my situation. The day is filled with trying to stay hygienic and maintain enough sustenance to keep the ever changing needs of the body. At the moment there just is not enough energy to or the means to do this properly. If the temperature rises get to the hospital … … … ! The low can be not being able to drink a glass of water and having to concentrate to breath .The high is getting dressed and get myself outside and bask in the nature that brings me some peace. Movement and the getting outside lift some of the burden . I try to get past the "Yo-Yo" effects of the chemo and anti nausea drugs . The chemo drugs exhaust the body and make me feel constantly ill. The anti- nausea drugs keep me awake. I was at the hospital every day last week .As a consequence of the of the opposing effects of the drugs I have been exhausted but on my feet for all of about 10 hrs since last Tues. night , today being Sunday. Some things’ gotta give soon , one way or the other. The drugs are necessary poisons, but poison just the same. Coursing through my body. Killing cells throughout my body with the hope that some of the cancer will be killed while not killing me. So far there has been no luck on either count. I try to put all of that aside and get constructively cerebral for a moment without becoming despondent. Unfortunately because of circumstances and events last week I have only a minor rant and observation to share. As living slows down and one knows that the end ( or beginning ? ) is near. Aspects of time slow down.I have never been able to ignore noticing people saying one thing while their actions convey a totally opposite intention. At this stage these contradictions are even more transparent. I watch world events unfold. I observe that when intentions of one group (religious ,political ,whatever) towards another group appears to be,or is vulnerable and/or do not fit into the others agenda are they considered fair game to be treated maliciously and with contempt. The attempts at genocide of the native peoples of North America to the genocides that have repeatedly occurred in the rest of the world must be the collective effect of what already lives inside us. It starts with the criticism (or putting down) of others around oneself with the intention of lifting ones own standing and becomes ugly as it blossoms. I have yet to meet anyone that can regularly practice their moral convictions that they purport to live by when it is inconvenient to do so. Nor have I ever been able to understand why people become malicious and go out of their way to make life difficult for other people just for the sake of being malicious. I have been somewhat guilty of the former at times , but never of the latter. The Song Of The Day Is “This Magic Moment” By Jay and The Americans . This day could use something pretty. Bye for now . See Ya on the other side.