Back of The Mind

April 21 /10 2400 There is so much to say. I try to nurture the moments of clarity when my body and disease allows . Questions that are on the verge of being answered tease me like an enamoured schoolboy waiting for his first kiss. Then the body turns on itself and attempting to concentrate is difficult if not impossible. Like sticking a knife into ones leg , keep twisting the blade and then trying to get on with ones day. All the time knowing that that you could die at any time. I tell myself ,”just keep moving” , just keep moving” Hoping that the body will kick in and give me some moments of feeling semi-well. Well enough to concentrate for awhile. There is only so much of this time left in the bank so to speak , and the banker is getting greedy. The only way to muster up the energy it takes to concentrate is to disassociate myself from my body. Being this close to death for so so long should be providing me with some insight. Insight into those itchy questions that are always on the back of your mind. That slightly uncomfortable feeling of being unsure that nags. What I do know is that there are questions that we can only answer for ourselves. Death is no longer a morbid topic that is on my mind . It has become an experience that have been facing for some time now. An experience that will be coming to a conclusion shortly. At least this earthly aspect of it. There are two parts to this experience right now. The physical. Try to take care of the body and material requirements for the day. This usually takes up more time and energy than I have. I have no choice but to let things go sometimes. I do not get second chances to play catch up and get things done. Subsequently diet and staying away from life threatening situations gets bypassed. Each time that part of the of the process of trying to stay alive is neglected my life is shortened. The time is not coming back. The other aspect involves putting aside all physical comforts , ambitions and selfishness. Turn both inward and outward at the same time and become completely honest with oneself. Then I can try to move to a state of mind where my passing does not feel so daunting. I think a lot of the fear associated with dying is just the bodies biological reactions the process of shutting down. Pain ,weakness , not being able to breath and the barrage of debilitating symptoms take a toll on one’s mind. The feelings of helplessness and aloneness thrust me into a depression that takes a lot of effort to overcome. Once I get past all of that , the mind is receptive to things that matter . Then I try to put myself into a state where one finds some continuity and peace. What I would ask for in the short time that is left in my life is for a comfortable sanctuary. So that I can face my earthly end with some comfort ,contemplation and in some peace and to be spared life’s petty jealousies and the constant barrage of people’s insecure infernal pursuit of material objects .Back to the insight on those itchy questions that are always on the back of ones mind if tomorrow comes. Bye for now . See ya on the other side. The Song of The Day Is . “Ballad of Thin Man” Written by B. Dylan as performed by Stephen Malkmus