Into the Mystic

Wed. Sept30/09 0530 The song of the day is: “Into the Mystic” by Van Morrison Now there’s a hippie dippy song that takes me back to campfires on the beach , tuned guitars , crabs boiling in pot over a fire , graced by the presence of sweet women , the tantalizing fragrance of coppertone sun tan lotion on their skin perfuming the air, everyone comfortable ,safe and exited. The waves lapping making a pleasant sound like crystal with the harshness muffled out being broken. The Quote of the day is : “ Solace ,Comfort Wisdom all dwell in all places and are present in all lifes trials and tribulations we just need to learn how to look” azab About the cancer “ MMM “ Coffee and a cigarette ,small pleasures . My oncologist said that I should do what whatever make me feel good . At the stage that the cancer is in my body the dr”s say that it is doubtful that stopping smoking will increase my life expectancy or that continuing to smoke will decrease my life expectancy . Love those addictions . I have discovered some health supplements that work for me that decrease my suffering with my digestive system from the chemo , aloe vera juice and essiac works amazingly well for me , maybe it will work for others also. 20 days left before I make a decision whether or not to accept more chemotherapy (if I last that long) . The Dr;s have said that studies showed that it is unlikely that any more therapy will prolong my life or increase the quality of my life although a nurse told me that sometimes chemo is used to alleviate the pain . An oversized dose of heroin might do a better job of that. I wish that I did not have to deal with the mundane and could concentrate on the spiritual . Getting in to a spiritual frame of mind seems to be difficult when one has to concentrate or rather be concerned about getting by day to day. Those are the cards that are dealt to me so I will try to find solace and comfort in anywhere I can regardless of any obstacles and situations that I am confronted with. Solzhenitsyn found comfortable moments in the Gulag.

Osmosis

Tues. Sept.29/09 The song of the day is: “Something in the Air” by Tom Petty A reminder of simpler times . I heard somewhere that we use a different part of our brain when we listen to music than we use in our day to day living. There must be something to this as music has been prevalent in all cultures . The toes start tapping , the women start dancing and the music evokes memories of where we were and what we were doing when we first became attached to the song that we are listening to . I think that since we are social animals the music provides us with a common bonding experience . Then ther is allways the male female social interaction that often occurs during the experience. About Dying: The quote of the day is; “People living deeply have no fear of death” byAnais Nin My feeling is that when you stare in the face of death on a daily basis and the body fights your every effort to continue on living , the face of death sometimes looks pretty good. Since my episode with my bodies rebellious nature of subjecting me to way to much pain I have managed to put aside the pain medication as it made me start to cough up to much blood . I have returned to my witches brew of vitamins and elixers and I have to admit that the last two hours have been pretty good (knock on wood) , although not pain free anything less pain and discomfort that someone would feel with a bad hangover topped of with a bout of the flu has become the norm and I have fooled myself into believing that this is bearable. I do notice though that every time that I look in the mirror that my the look on my face seems to be that of a permanent scowl . The body seem to react without the concius mind being aware of what it is doing . I wake up at night and my body is all twisted and contorted , my belief is that my body is trying to get away from the largest tumor that is growing inside my chest. My dreams are becoming very vivid as I believe that the closer that one comes to death the more detailed weird and important our dreams become. I remember a time about 7 months ago when complications set in and I was on the verge of passing away my dreams (although at that stage there is really no state called sleep but just another state of being) became so vivid that ther is nothing that I can think of to describe the brightnes , staring at the sun does not even come close . Dreams at this stage are like another world on another plain and are interesting , scary and comforting at the same time .At this stage the dreams resemble an earthly plane , I can recall the people , landscape and events that occur during these sojourns. I don’t know if the DR.S realize what happens to cancer patients as they get closer to death. There is never any comfort and ther is really no state that one could call sleep, I appreciated the discussions that took place when I was receiving chemotherapy as I had a chance to discuss these experiences with other people going through a somewhat similar experience. There have been other times when the dreams are not of this conciousnes or planet but a journey where I keep reaching into a void that is not a void and the body is melting away from the soul exponentially moving faster and faster feeling that I am transcending to a point of no return and then somehow making it back. I know one of these times and it will be soon I will not make the journey back . I do miss the wet ones though although some have sexual episodes . If I have the time and energy I am going to try to describe these trips to the other side .

Peaceful Morning from Contemplation Log

Miles From Nowhere

Mon. Sept. 28/09 The song of the day is “Miles From Nowhere “ by Cat Stevens . A good song to be played at a funeral The quote of the day is . “when the body becomes a burden the soul will compensate” by Azab About Death: Yesterday the quote of the day was “my friends are my estate” , Since I know that I will be dead within ,days? Weeks? or hopefully God gives me at least a few months (my expiry date was supposed to be as soon as May and it is now close to Oct.) the desire to leave something behind on this earthly plane becomes stronger the closer that I get to my last day , I am sure that this is something everyone whom is close to drawing their last breath is aware of . I am also compelled to be totally honest in everything I say , this is not new for myself as I have allways wondered why sugar coated lies are necessary in order to get through life , I must admit receiving them feels good sometimes but there are professions and positions where people are adamant that they are truthfull and above reproach,(politicians , police , judges , armed forces spokespeople) and will make one life miserable if you do not accept what they say a being nothing but the truth even though a 5 year old child can see that they are blatently lieing. These people get involved in extortion , drug dealing , arms dealing , mass murder and are complicit in causing untold suffering ,yet they hold the most respected places in our societies. They observe no moral code when anyone stands in the way of their ambitions yet they set the standards that other people are supposed to live by . I have observed that the moral standards of our society are higher for the poor than for the rich and are brutally enforced upon the poor . The cop who practices martial arts on mental patients and drug addicts in the back of a paddy wagon or the hard working professionals that get their jollies kicking the shit out of some down and out hooker not realizing that she to is someones daughter . Part of the reason for the lies or the head in the sand stance taken by most people is that have never had the chance to notice (being good little slaves ) or do not want to come to terms with what is really going on around them because it threatens the happy little cacoon of denial that protects them from having to comprehend the brutality and dishonesty of our social leaders. Now back to the honesty part , I wonder how I would fare in those positions , human nature being what it is. I digress , I am trying to deal with my own shortcomings and trying too make peace with myself and my maker? , although I hope that I have time to write about my experiences that have enabled me to obseve and come to the conclusions that I have come to , or maybe hypocrisy is just a way of life and I should learn to live or rather die with it. Life is about habits , I wonder why good ones are harder to get into than bad ones. Scince I have no possessions to leave behind I guess all I can give to the people that I care about before I die is some love and respect . I am sure all my shortcomings are no less than most . I mentioned this before , I think that if a person knows that they will be dead soon they should have a pre-wake so that they can say goodbye to everyone and party like it’s the last days of their lves. Coughing up some blood now (oh boy) I guess I will take a bit of a break , I only have a few good hours in the day and it is frustrating as to how little I can accomplish. The earthly part of me wants to spoil my physical self (hard to do when my own body is becoming my enemy , but I still want to) , my spiritaual side (which becomes more prevalent as I approach my death) tells me to contemplate and question.

Looking Back

The Quote of the day is; “It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis” by Margaret Bannano Dying by cancer is an insidious way to die. Death should come swiftly like a thief in the night and not be a prolonged process of exponential suffrering. Thurs. Sept. 24 /09 The big black dog (depression) is trying to sneak in. The song of the day is; “Looking Back “ by Bob Seger The quote of the day is ; “The more one analyses people, the more all reasons for analysis disappear. Sooner or later one comes to that dreadful universal thing called human nature.” by Oscar Wilde Sun . Sept. 27/09 An extremely emotional day today. I am becoming more aware at how much the mind is aware that my body is deteriorating and must be reacting accordingly . I keep breaking down about every couple of hours when my mind wanders and recollects .Memories of experiences seem to connect to feelings that I had at that time with people that I cared about , the good feelings that I had and the sense of camaraderie . The breaking down is not a bad thing , a good cry so to speak. The song of the day is : Main Street by Bob Seger ( I used to hang out in Detroit at one time ) I met , put up draft dodgers from Michigan , partied with a lot of people from Michigan along the shores of Lake Huron . People from Michigan have a certain attitude (this being good) . Seger being a proud Michigan boy is what made me think of my Michigan experiences . The quote of the day is “My Friends are My Estate” by Emily Dickinson”

getting closer to the big guy in the sky

Wed. Sept . 23/09 I guess God has figured that I still haven’t suffered enough , started coughing up copious amounts of blood which means the cancer is advancing nicely , This time the advance of the cancer will kill me . I have spent too much time chasing money and havn’t really made my peace with whomever my maker is . The discomfort and pain has been going on for too long and every day God gives me a new physical and emotional pain to deal with each day. If he/she keeps stacking pain and suffering up on my shoulders somethings gotta give way. 0645 Gotta go out and say my prayer of thanks ? Etc. , it is a goergeos morning and my legs and eyes are still working. The song of the day is ; “Light My Fire” performed by Jose Feliciano . Just because I like it. The Quote of the day is; “It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis” by Margaret Bannano Dying by cancer is an insidious way to die. Death should come swiftly like a thief in the night and not be a prolonged process of exponential suffrering.

Into The Sky

Mon. Sept. 21/09 To many Dr’s, to many pills , to much pain and not enough time or energy left to for spiritual and pleasurable pursuites . Tues. Sept, 22/09 I have seen the way that I am going to die years ago . I watched my mother pass away wiyh the same type of cancer many years ago and it was not pretty. I also told a friend (may God bless each one that I have) in 2003 that I would be dyiing about this time period. I have the same unrelated black spot on the same place on my face that my mother had , Although malignant is will not be the cause of my death. I also have developed a problem with my spine that would probably end up crippling me but I know that I will be dead before that happens . My mother also had the same problem , she had been in a prison camp in Europe just after the 2nc WW and I was born in Canada , we lived two completely different lives but both ended up suffering the same prolonged way before our deaths . That is a testament to genetics. It is a drag having watched the way that I know that I will be dying , aside from the physical torment and detereration there is the loss independence and the humiliation of the inevitable loss body functions and knowing that I am dying far to young asnd before accomplishing the things that I want to do. I also know that I will be dying alone which is a bit scary , I am taking the journey towards my death alone 99.9% of the time anyways ,as well as still wasting my precious last days having to deal with money claims maybe dying alone wont be so bad after all. I wish that I had more time to get into a spiritual frame of mind but the madness of our North American brainwashed mentality that material goods are the more important than people surrounds me and attempts to smother more noble pursuits. The quote of the day is . “ Our talents are the gift that God gives to us... What we make of our talents is our gift back to God.” By Leo Bascaglia The song of the day is : “samba pa ti “ by Carlos Santana A swooning instrumental that I have heard and seen Mr. Santana perform both in a large and small venue . Whatever became of his brother and “Mallo” Although I am not a religious person I still go out every morning and give thanks to “god” ( whomever he / she ? may be) for giving me another day and also say a prayer for asking for a few goodies so that I can enjoy a bit of this earthly plain before I die soon. I know that is a contradiction and I will explain the contradiction later . Right now I am almost pain free for a short period of time and will try to get out on the beach and enjoy bit of the day the best that I can.

A Few Hours Painfree

Feeling Lucky that God gave me aother day.

Fri. Sept.18/09 My cancer is progressing along nicely as I am not doing so well. The pain is so severe that during some bouts dealing with it I find myself thinking that I would be better off dead then feel guilty for thinking that way. Sat. Sept. 18/09 Spent most of thr day at emergency at the hospital yesterday , the pain had become unbearable and I was concerned that the cancer had metastasised into my spine . Fortunately it had not and the reason for the pain was that some of my discs had degenerated and my prostrate was enlarged. Again god got things backwards , as one gets older the prosrate should shrink for comfort and the penis should grow larger for fun. A good outcome was that the Dr.s found a way of treating the pain with non narcotic pain killers. The only odd thing about the drugs for pain that was prescribed was that I have to take one drug to in order for me to take the pain drug (and they are both damm expensive) and I can’t help but wonder why the drug company couldn’t combine the two as they are taken together, to double the profits I guess. Song of the day is “Already Standing” by The Eagles . Although it is a piece of fluff I still enjoy it. The quote of the day is .”AT THE END, IT’S NOT THE YEARS IN YOUR LIFE THAT COUNT. IT’S THE LIFE IN YOUR YEARS” ABRAHAM LINCOLN As an afterthough , it is sad that Americans and their politicians have lost the integrity that their forefathers possessed. Few of the former having any morals or integrity whatsoever and the latter being brainwashed by the former. Gonna get into the positive by hook or crook today , should be easier than usual bcause I wil be out of pain for a few hours.

Another Day in My Frontyard

Pain and Politics

Wed. Sept. 16/09 0930 I took a short walk along the beach and discovered cougar and dear tracks , I will keep my eyes open from now on although it would be interesting to see a wild cougar up close ,might as well live dangerously now. Thurs. Sept. 17/09 What a difference 36hrs makes. I think that I am losing the use of my legs , the Dr’s said that this could happen when the Cancer reaches other parts of my body. Tried some opiate analgesic or the first time as the pain had become unbearable , the pills just made me feel even more lethargic than I already feel and does nothing for the pain . 1345 The song of the day is “Heatwave” by Martha Reeves and the Vandellas . Could use listening to something upbeat today . Thank God for Berry Gordy Jr. and Motown . I also worked for a while on a assembly line at Ford Motor Co. . I would like to write some political commentaries but I am in so much physical pain today that I find it to difficult to concentrate. I have aways maintained that there is a good number of average Joe's with very astute political views and a good handle on what is taking place in the world. Journalism that is presented by the major media outlets is dead , most of the news that is presented is no more that opinionated propaganda . There are a few bright spots (such as Neil Macdonald with the cbc) but I am sure that the few journalists with some degree of integrity soon get stifled by the organizations that they are working for. At least the situation in Canada is not as bad as in the USA where the news outlets are no better than slick propaganda machines that would have made Stalin proud , one only has to look at how the American journalists lapped up the lies about WMD to realize this.

Tues Sept.16/09

We work for our tomorrows and with luck and planning our efforts come together and we start having periods of positive and pleasant experiences . Monetary planning ,time and energy given towards establishing relationships , time spent educating ourselves developing philosophies and beliefs all contribute towards our future experiences . I have run out of tomorrows and am confused as to how best spend my time before I die in the near future . Indulging in earthly delights (doing a line of coke off a sweet womans ass) would only provide temporary enjoyment and being spiritual would mean that I would be spending my last days concerned about what will happen to my soul when I die .I’ll be spending enough time in that other place when I die soon anyways ,so Iwonder if ther is some kind of penalty for wasting my last days pondering this dilemma.

Oh Happy Days

Sept 16/09 In to much pain all night and right now to write about anything. Tried the prescribed painkillers ,they don’t do a damm thing to relieve the pain. Song of the day is “Feels Like Rain” by Buddy Guy BRING YOUR STORIES TO THE FOREFRONT OF MY MEMORIES-CRY IN THE WIND-DIE IN THE SUN-WHATEVER YOU DO-JUST BRING YOUR STORIES TO THE FOREFRONT OF MY MEMORIES-LET ME TASTE YOUR WOMAN TEARS-SHARE ALL YOUR FEARS-BRING YOUR STORIES TO THE FOREFRONT OF MY MEMORIES azab . Living or dying ? , sometimes I wonder which is better or at least more comfortable. It is a confusing situation when you know that you will be dead soon. I want to leave something behind but anything material seems so insignificant now.

Mon. Sept. 14/09 Song of the day is “Closing Time” by Leonard Cohen He grasps the quintessential old Canadian bar experience , the old black round tables , the pickled egg jar , the cheap romances and violent outbreaks that were forgotten while nursing a hangover and headache the next day. As far as dying goes I have pushed the thought aside for most of the day. I only have one type of pain today and I can deal with that . Psychologically the ride is a bit rougher , I noticed a large black outline (the size of two tennis balls) on my skin on my chest where the main tumour lays hidden from my view underneath my skin in my lung, I am getting eaten up from the inside but am trying to put that thought out of my head. I spend all of my time alone so the mind can go to some pretty funny places . I am trying to make spiritual peace with myself before I die but chasing $ to survive gets in the way.
Mon. Sept.15/09 The sunrise is spectacular today. The fall weather is moving in , the visually gorgeous sunrises are becoming scarce although each one contains it’s own particular beauty. The song of the day is “SIGNS” by The Five Man Electrical Band. I remember when the song was first realeased and although trite it did grasp part of the social psyche of the time accurately. As far as my cancer is concerned ,fade , fade ,fading , getting up each morning is like getting up for a forced march but no matter how rough getting started is I still treasure each one as I do not have many left. By 11 am I get a bit tired of what my body is doing to me and dig deep to keep my chin up. I spend so much energy disassociating myself from the discomfort of my body that I have to consider the possibility that I would be better off without it. The Quote Of The Day Is “ If you are dishing sh.t out be prepared to eat from the same plate” by Azab" . The cynicism of the quote comes from listening to Canadian politicians posturing in the event of a possible upcoming election and the knowledge that no one lies more than politicians and police officers. The latter is paid and trianed to protect the interests of the former . Altough I harbour no disrepect for either I find it difficult to have any respect for either , they are both a necessary evil but they both comimit major crimes both morally and by illegal activity and all under the guise of a higher moral standard and under the pretense of public service. I do however have to respect their right to a safe living and workplace. There are a number of members of each profesion that have no desire to make the world a better place to live in and do inflict major suffering for members of our society without any remorse .

Seal Lion Family (My Backyard)
Sun. Sept. 13/09 Almost out of time. One thing I have come to realize is that people do not have time for a person whom is dying. That person is left to themselves to face whatever comes next . DON’T TOUCH MY DARKNESS -WHILE IT SITS- TRANSPARENT- ON SENSITIVE SHOULDERS

Sept.12/09

Tues. Sept. 8/09 Wed. Sept. 9/09 Sometimes I wonder that when so many people have suffered and are suffering why my pain seems so significant. Todays song is Fortunate Son by CCR Todays quote is “ MAY YOU LIVE ALL THE DAYS OF YOUR LIFE” As far as my cancer goes , it is spreading and is more painful by the day . Somedays I try to imagine the pain and suffering that other people have endured in order to make my suffering seem less significant. Gonna get into the positive today even if it kills me .

Morning Sky

Rainbows and Cruiseships from Contemplation Log

Sun. Sept. 6/09 Just stepped outside and God gave me a big smile.

Sat.Sept.5/09 New set of pains started last night in my right leg leaving me in a situation where I can barely walk , the pain is so severe that It leaves me dizzy and short of breath . Getting into the positive is going to be difficult today. I believe that I have a lot to say before I die , politicaly , artistically and philosophically but dam the few semi-good hours that I have each day is either spend chasing $ to survive or in such pain that it is hard to get into a frame of mind from where any constructive thought can come from. Having a short amount of time to live one comes to realize a few things about what inspires oneself to keep going along this path we call living. One thing that I have noticed is how important our hopes and dreams for our future are. Some might think that living each day as if it were your last would be electric and exciting , although there is some truth to that our hopes and dreams for the future are the energy that keeps one going . Once one knows that there is no future , thoughts reverse and one thinks about what they can leave behind for others that are left behind. Labour day weekend yah! Our society seems to glorify media personalitys , performers , celebrities etc. when in reality it is the people who put up with the mundane and the dangerous jobs day in and day out that make our society and economy tick , everything else sprouts from the soil that these people till , Acknowledging these people is important as they have more grit , collectively sacrifice more and contribute more to society than any movie or rock star and are the real celebrities . I hope that this labour day everyone tkes a bit of time to recognize that without the sacrifices of these people we would have nothing

Morning Sky Sept.3/09 from Comptemplation Log

Thurs. Sept. 3/09 Flew back from the cancer clinic in Vancouver Can. Yesterday . Yesterday I was in all kinds of different pains . When I have one type of pain in one area I can usually deal with it but when I have three different types of pain in three dfferent places I really start to suffer. The body is a wonderous thing but dam why make it capable of producing so much pain . I want to stay lucid during my last weeks , months ? Days ?, so I don’t want to take their morphine or other pain killers . On the bright side I get to live another day and I will try to get something good to happen. Tired, tired ,tired for a person in general good health to understand what it is like for a person with extensive stage lung cancer to get started every morning , imagine running a marathon , throw a hangover on top of that along with the mental stress of knowing that you will be dead shortly , that is the way that I feel every morning when my feet hit the floor to try to get going. If anyone ever reads this I hope and pray that they never have to go through anything like what I am going through now.