TEARS AND KISSES

tears and kisses on the same cheeks / stir the soul like the land / breathtaking but ucaring whether the body lives or dies / do not love the dead / we have left and will not be back / unpacked all our baggage and left it where it stands / like all of life’s promises that were never meant to be kept / the past will not last here / but only stains memories / there will be no shoes left at the door / the tears will not last / all tears run down the same cheeks / tears of pain / tears of sadness / tears of pleasure / tears of joy / drip and mingle into lifes salient emotional pool / where memories purpose rusts / do not argue with the dead / we are already dust . Azab

The Eagle And The Crow

Aug. 25 / 10 The Song Of The Day Is : “Moonshadow” by Cat Stevens, A crow seems to have become a companion of mine. When I make outside to the bench that overlooks the ocean. He/she comes swooping in , lands a few feet away from me and watches. I do give him/her bits of food and I am sure that is why he/she comes around. When I make it down to the beach for a stroll he/she flutters around and the lands a few feet in front of me. As I walk past him he/she flutters around again and lands in front of me again, While I walk he/she ignores the food. A young eagle has also kept me company during my last three sojourns outside. He/she has been in the same spot each time. I stop briefly , about 18 ft. away from him/her and watch him/her watch me. He /she then flies down along the beach. Near where I must walk to return home. This time he/she is at eye level and closer than before. Again I stop for awhile and watch him/her watch me. I stay next to him/her for a good 10 minutes. He/she watches me , preens his/her feathers for a bit then stares at me again. I would like to make it out again today to see if this occurs a fourth time. For some reason, these encounters while being in the presence of the grandeur of the mountains , the vastness and depth of the ocean , bring me peace and humble me. The “meditative solitude” of the moment lets me forget about my ailing body for a moment. There is spirituality in the land , the sea and the earth. Maybe this is a good place to die? Bye for Now See Ya On The Other Side.0645 PDT Something or for some reason I keep living. Is there something left to do? By all accounts and according to “modern medical opinion” I should have been dead long ago. For some reason God? , keeps giving me another day. For the most part , during the day and the night life can be hellish. There are good moments also. I should be grateful for each new day , and for much of the time I am , or I am working towards it. I have to admit that there are times when my body becomes my enemy. I find myself feeling rather than saying to myself “I just can’t take this anymore” while figuratively shaking my fist at the sky. I attribute this “feeling” to the symptoms that I experience from the Cancer and the toxins that the tumours are continually spewing into my body. It is now the start of a new day. Death will just have to kiss my sweet Canadian/ Lithuanian ass for another day.

What? Patience ?

Aug.24 /10 The Song Of The Day Is : Sweet Jane as performed by The Cowboy Junkies . There are so many up’s and down’s during the day and night. What is confusing when the body goes for a crap is that I have to ask myself the following questions. Are the symptoms that I am experiencing from the cancer? Or are these symptoms from another disease , infection etc.? In the past I was admitted into the palliative care unit at the cancer agency because I mistook the symptoms of pneumonia as just another day dealing with the cancer. If I went to the hospital every time that I felt a pain as severe as a fractured rib or severe burns !!!!!! ? If I went to the hospital every time that I felt like I had pneumonia !!!!? If I went to the hospital every time that I felt like I had food poisoning!!! ? I would have to go to the hospital at least once every day , and more often than not , I would have to go a few times each day to check the symptoms out. Each day brings on symptoms that would have a healthy person running to the emergency dept. I am assuming that my situation is not much different from other people that are dealing with incurable cancer and other incurable disease. Something for the healthy people that deal with someone that is terminally ill to keep in mind .Especially during the times that the smile leaves the face of the terminally ill person. Sometimes patience flies out the window when you live by the hour. Each day I look for some comfort and/or some good and/or some beauty in-between rounds of wrestling with the effects of the cancer. Most days I find some. Bye For Now See Ya on The other Side

Que Sera Sera

Aug. 23 /10 The Song Of the Day Is “Carrie” By Joni Mitchell 0500 The night air is cool on the skin. The high clouds shimmer in the glow of the almost full moon in the night sky. The clouds look as if they are up there next to the moon traversing the heavens. There is always a refreshing feeling in the air when the fall announces it’s arrival. Traditionally , soon the crops would be being harvested and the bears will soon be feeding on the multitude of salmon returning to the rivers. There must be part of our psyche that has been shaped by mans observance of seasons cycles for as long as there has been memory. We sense the upcoming time of plenty in what I call our “primeval bone”. I can sense that rejuvenating feeling when I sense that “fall is in the air” For me there is also a sense of sadness also. I recall when the song “Carrie” could be heard over the airwaves on a regular basis. Listening to it now brings back memories . Hot summer nights , knocking back shots of tequila with the seemingly lost draft dodgers that were constantly making their appearance. Trying to make them feel welcome. Tuned guitars and campfires on the beach. Swimming naked while the moon shimmered on the waters surface , and of course , the lingering fragrance of suntan lotion , soft on a woman ‘s skin. The warmth her body next to my skin. I did get my wish to live to see the summer , but I did not get my wish to “live” the summer. My last summer is now over. Chemo , cancer and practical matters prevented me from enjoying the summer the way that I wished for. I did find moments of joy , although I did have to search for them. “Que Sera Sera” today is another day to be thankful for. Another day to get on with this business of living and dying. The Cancer: I can fell the presence of the tumour all of the time now . Laying on my back or on my right side is painful and uncomfortable. My body reacts to the growing tumour by trying to cough it out as the tumour is starting to obstruct my airway. When I cough , pain wracks the right side of my body. Swallowing is becoming difficult , while eating I have to concentrate so that I do not choke. Aside from some spastic movements ,and sporadic hair growth I appear otherwise healthy. The paleness of my face will become apparent as my skin will soon lose it’s tan. It is getting too cool for me to spend much time outside . The wind blows cool off the ocean early in the fall here. The cancer and these four walls will be closing in quickly now. I will keep stroking for as long as I can. However that does raise conundrum of people getting tired of someone that takes too long to die. Bye For Now , See Ya On The Other Side ,

Close Your Eyes

Aug. 21 /10 0300 The Song Of The Day Is : “Flying Cowboys” by Riki Lee Jones Most times that I lay down , close my eye’s, I do not drift off into sleep. It feels more like that I am immediately in a different world. As only can be done in dreams , sometimes I drift as if I am in all places at once. Sometimes I am there ,whole and totally lucid in a separate reality. The characters , the events that occur and places that I travel to as real as going to work on Monday morning. These are no longer the type of dreams that feel like the subconscious mind mulling over previous events . The events and encounters demand to be recognized as being significant. When I return from these sojourns and my eyes open I am exhausted. The same way that you would feel after you have been away on a long trip. On some occasions there are comforting visits . People that I have known and have passed away make their way into the state that I am in. We embrace and they comfort and welcome. When I wake from these dreams there are tears streaming down my face. It may seem odd to some that I lend credence to the significance of premonitions and dreams. It is no less weird than believing that someone got nailed to a cross , rotted for days then came back to life , or that a fellow got swallowed by a whale and resided in the whales belly for awhile. I have spoke with people that have spent time with people like myself that are dieing from an incurable disease. They also came to realize the importance of premonitions and dreams to the person dieing. An experienced oncologists before going away on maternity leave gave me this last piece of advice. Pay attention to your cravings and gut feelings. Now here is a Dr. that has been along the journey towards trails end with many ,many people , and has learned that there is more to “doctoring” than pills and replacement parts. Back to the dreams. I am trying my hardest to write down and document these experiences. The difficulty being my mind and energy goes directly to trying to overcome constant discomfort that my body is in. I’ll try harder. I am not going to write about the effects of the cancer in this post. I’m going to try to overcome the symptoms for a bit. Bye For Now See Ya on The Other Side

Strange Creatures

Fri. Aug. 20 / The Song Of The Day Is . “The Weight” by The Band. Ah! Another morning. Another day to spend amongst the living. Although there is no guarantee that seeing the beginning of a day guarantees that I will be around at days end. Each day now I feel life slipping away . I might be able to undergo some more radiation therapy . Just like the 7 months of chemo the only benefit of more radiation will be an easing of the symptoms and pain control. Constant head aches , involuntary twitches , trouble concentrating make me fear that the Cancer is invading my brain. One oncologist told me that the loss of motor capabilities ( ability to move my arms , legs etc.) and senses (sight , hearing, speech etc.) can be sudden and complete. Now there’s a ticking time bomb inside me that makes me grateful that all systems are still functioning. Not functioning well , but functioning all the same. Swallowing and getting full breaths is starting to become a problem. Most of my time gets taken up hanging on to life when I would rather concentrate on living as much as I can. Cest La Vie. Last night after an uneventful day , while I was shuffling to bed a new though popped into my head. (It has been over 2 years now of hellish therapies and constant discomfort and pains ) Last night was the first time , that for a moment , I was looking forward to and embracing death as a relief from the physical maladies and the constant struggle to make through each day. The only changes from each hour of each day is that it becomes more difficult to overcome the disease for a few moments and find some peace and joy in this world. People who deal with or are around the terminally ill seem to have a difficult time grasping the concept that the suffering is constant , increasing and that the death sentence is not commutable. I know that people tire of the terminally ill . I have noticed that , not only in my case , but also while I have been with people that that have died from a terminal disease. There are moments when the healthy people dealing with them will become cruel . Why I do not know. Maybe it is just the way we are. I have experienced this behaviour myself and have seen it happen to others that have to die painfully and relatively slowly. However on the flip side , there are moments of extreme kindness and compassion. My what strange creatures we are. The swing in attitudes are anticipated by the terminally ill , but all the same are difficult and disheartening to deal with. Bye for now see ya on the other side.

Coincidence 2

This Song Of The Moment Is: “Redemption Song” by Bob Marley . Being this close to death I am trying to keep an open mind about what transpires when we die. I pay attention to the vivid other worldly dreams as I wrote about in the post “Shamans and Smells”. I pay attention to how my thinking shifts from practical to spiritual matters. Practical matters when my body is giving the cancer a good fight , spiritual when the life force is leaving my body. This is no joke. While undergoing the chemo that slowed the growth of the tumours and the toxins that they released into my body , my thoughts were of practical matters. To the point of thinking a bit about the future. Though my body was wracked by the chemo drugs , they were slowing my departure from this world. Now that I can feel the life force leaving my body , spiritual matters take precedence. We do not pay much attention too and ignore such things as “gut feelings , premonitions , some lucid dreams etc. etc. ” while we go about our daily business. I am guessing however that this is where faith plants it’s seeds. "Coincidence 2" Is regarding my previous post that I posted a few hours ago titled “Nuisance”. The dog in the story belonged to a person called Mr. Burb , it was at his house that the event took place. I have not even thought about Mr. Burb for over 30 years , although I did love him and his family. It is unusual for me to include such a story in my blog that is about me dying from cancer. Here comes the coincidence. I cannot explain why the story of Mr. Burb’s dog made it’s way into my mind this morning , but it did. I was notified shortly after posting the post that included the story about Mr. Burb”s dog that Mr. Burb had just recently passed away. It may seem trivial to some but , coincidences like this give me comfort. It gives me hope that there is another place to where our spirits to transcend to. Bye for now , see ya on the other side.

NUISANCE

Wed. Aug. 18 /10 The Song Of The Day Is: "Where Do The Children Play By Cat Stevens"(just a pretty song) While I was receiving chemo , there was a glimmer of hope. Although The Dr.s were administering “ aggressive chemotherapy” and the side effects were horrendous. In the back of my mind I was wishfully thinking that after each cycle of chemo that perhaps the tumours would shrink. The results of the X Rays after each cycle and just before starting another proved dashed those hopes each time. . I did get pain control however. I recently inquired about more radiation therapy. The reply that I received from the nurse practitioner indicated that more radiation MIGHT ? relieve the symptoms that I experience in the area where the largest tumour is. In other words more radiation might relieve the pain. As far as fighting the cancer itself , it is just the cancer and me. Each day the cancer provides me with something new for me to deal and fight with. I have not given up but I am realistic and have to admit to myself that the cancer is not only devastating my body but also that it will kill me soon. I also have to admit that I have given it a good run. The latest new adverse effects are the random pains that come and go. I am assuming that what I am now feeling are precursors to the neuropathic pains the the Dr's explained that I had experienced before the last 5 cycles of chemo. Those pains could come and go at up to 6 different places in my body at once , lasting a few minutes , or they could be constant for up to 6 days and nights(once a pain deep inside my body lasted for 15 days and nights and made lying down impossible) .When asked to describe the intensity of the pain , I said , “imagine someone constantly banging your shins with a broom handle or a hockey stick for up to 6 days and nights ,CONSTANTLY HITTING!!. The cancer , just like it adapts and becomes resistant to the chemotherapy also come up with new ways to make one suffer. The pains have been returning with a new twist. It is a if something is following me around and jabbing random parts of my body from the outside and from deep within. I feel like a prodded cow. Each time the pain hits , my body reacts as if trying to “get away from the pain” , The pain is in me , but the body contorts as if the pain is being inflicted by an external source. Reminds me of a dog that was named “Nuisance” that a friend of the family had when my family lived in the north. This dog was allowed anywhere in the house , except on areas that were carpeted , and the dog new this,. One day unbeknown-st to the dog , carpet was laid covering the bare hallway floor. The dog comes prancing into the house along the hallway , as he had many times before. Halfway down the hallway this poor animal realizes that there is carpet beneath his paws. Knowing that he is not supposed to be on carpeted surfaces , and that there might be dire circumstances for this indiscretion. The dog decides to take the shortest route possible to get off of the carpet. Strait up. Like a gazelle , the dog try’s jumping strait up , the shortest route to get off of the carpet. Landing and sensing the carpet beneath his feet he would jump strait up again. The homeowner , and the people the had helped him lay the carpet were at the end of the hallway celebrating the completion of the job with a bottle of Canadian whiskey. The poor dog , confused and in distress jumping up and down on the spot , looking at the now drunken laughing carpet layers . Afraid that he was going to be punished for treading on a carpeted area and doing his best to stay off the carpet by trying to defy gravity . Someone finally shooed the poor Nuisance down the hallway , out the door so that Nuisance could feel grass beneath his paws and stop bouncing. Just like Nuisance jumping strait up to get away from the carpet that was all around him, my body moves to get away the pain that is inside me. For me there is no door at the end of the hallway. Pain control is complicated and has side effects that can be as devastating as the pain. Until the pain becomes unbearable and/or the cancer metastasizes to my brain , I choose to stay as lucid as possible. There is still some life left in me . I live life , not one day at a time ,but a few hours at a time. The life within me ebbing and then I struggle to make it flow for awhile and then it ebbs again. Bye for now see ya on the other side. Again since my living situation is quite dire I am including an open letter to Great West Life Vancouver B.C. to respond to the request made by the trustees from local 500 I.L.WU. , to release some of my death benefits so that I can live out my last days with some sense of security and dignity.

Empty

Tues. Aug. 17/10 Being close to “Mother Earth” comforts and humbles me as I approach the journey to the , others side?. The Cancer : I have a feeling that today, I might just be empty. I woke , drank a pot of coffee. Two hours later , I found myself staring at the blank computer screen . My head propped up and resting in my hand , not knowing where the last two hours went. Like an alcoholic after a binge , my whole body nervously vibrating. I wonder if this is not an indication of the cancer metastasizing to my brain .Or if it the lingering effects of the chemo drugs and/or the toxins produced by the active tumors in me coursing through my system. My mother told me about a time when she had drove into town , and although the place that she was at was familiar , when she stepped out of her car she was lost., She did not know where she was. She was diagnosed with and died from cancer not long after that. I experienced something similar just after undergoing my first cycles of chemo. I was at the hospital going for a CT scan. I not only did not know where I was , I also did not know who or what I was. This lasted for about 15 min. , then slowly everything started to come back. Let me tell you , that feeling of being blank and totally lost is pure horror. The pains can be excruciating and maddening , but they do not instill the horror that one experiences when the disease affects the mind. As I have said before , I would rather lose my legs than experience that again. Each day is a struggle of mind over the effects of the disease. Each day I win for awhile . When the cancer metastasizes to my brain , it will take away the last defence that I have . I am now getting afraid that it is on it’s way , if it is not there already. I WILL make it outside today . I think that today , I will say my three prayers with “gusto”. More Later , Bye for now , See ya on the other side.

TEARS AND KISSES

tears and kisses on the same cheeks / stir the soul like the land / breathtaking but uncaring whether the body lives or dies / do not love the dead / we have left and will not be back / unpacked all our baggage and left it where it stands / like all of life’s promises that were never meant to be kept / the past will not last here / but only stains memories / there will be no shoes left at the door / the tears will not last / all tears run down the same cheeks / tears of pain / tears of sadness / tears of pleasure / tears of joy / drip and mingle into life's salient emotional pool / where memories purpose rusts / do not argue with the dead / we are already dust . Azab Aug. 15 /10 0111 PDT . Working 10 hour shift’s , 7 days a week at a physically and mentally demanding job would require less effort than what is now necessary for me to just get through the day. 18+ out of the last 24 hours have been spent in bed. Most of my hours are now uncomfortable . I had 20 minutes of one hour of what I call good hours yesterday. I have been close to feeling this way before but never to such a degree. “O well” if my time is coming I gave this life a good run. The fear of dying has abated again as I get closer to my upcoming death. For awhile there I was totally falling apart. The physical discomforts take precedence now. I try to revel in the brief moments of relative comfort. Although I am still a bit bitter from having to sit around with my finger up my butt during my couple of reasonably good weeks after going through 7 months of chemo hell. I am putting that behind me as well. I find humour as well as pathos in the few interactions that I have with people . A friend from where I used to work before the cancer took over called last night. You have to remember that towards the evening , I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth. By the time the night rolls around , I want to crawl out of my own skin. A young relation of his had just passed away. Far too young. For that I am truly sympathetic. He knows that I will be dead soon and wanted me to take a message to the other side when I go. The majority of the time however of the hour long conversation was about problems that he was , and has been having with tenants , work and bills. During the conversation I am finding it physically uncomfortable just to hold the receiver to my ear. At the time , as I often do , I felt like I was hanging on to life by the skin of my teeth. Other people that I am fond tell of their personal problems and ask me to take messages to loved ones that have passed away. Out of respect for people that I am fond off and care about , if that person is having a problem , I put myself aside and give that person my full attention and consideration . Like developing the habit of not talking behind a persons back , this habit requires work and practice. Try being this way on a consistent basis and you will see how many times you fail before you get it right time after time. These are two of the many elements of living life with some dignity and honour. If someone that I was fond of was having a problem I was willing to help in any way that I could. I would set my baggage down and get to work. Willing to put my life and freedom on the line , and at times I did ! On occasion losing my freedom , and coming very close to losing my life on more than one occasion. Now that the cancer is taking it over I am extremely frustrated that I am not much of benefit to others , or even to myself for that matter. The struggle to hang on takes all my will and energy now. The humour and the pathos ? Is in the awkward situation when the conversation goes blank , blank on my part because every ounce of energy and thought at times is being taken up by just “hanging on” . Blank on the other side because the other person just doesn’t know what do . Or is not really willing and is caught with their pants down. Like Sancho Panza and Don Quixote puking in each others faces after Don Quixote does battle with the windmills , one blank is confronted in return by another. Bye for now , see ya on the other side . The Quote of The Day Is : Don't strew me with roses after I'm dead. /
When Death claims the light of my brow /
No flowers of life will cheer me: instead
You may give me my roses now! /
--Thomas F. Healey

The Best That I Can

Sat.14 /10 0500 PDT The Song of The Day Is : “Lady Blue” by Leon Russell . I try to live each day through and live it out the best that I can. Small pieces of normal life keep slipping through my fingers. Like dirty laundry on the floor , small chores pile up and hang around . Things that don’t get done are unlikely to get done in the future .It is difficult to explain but “existing” is a chore most of the time. I can sense the cancer in my system as my body becomes more fragile. All the Dr.s that I have spoken with are of the opinion that I am at the end of any therapy that might reduce the growth of the cancer. The active tumours continue to spew toxins throughout my body. The toxins aggravate nerve endings. This is the reason for the pains that appear , disappear , then reappear in all parts of my body. The most severe attack me deep inside my body. I could medicate myself into a stupor. Lucky me , few medications work at all . Most leave me swimming in a chemical soup , but the pain is still there . So far the pains are nothing near what I have experienced prior to my diagnosis and prior to the last 7 months of chemo. For that I am grateful. I can sense the pains rearing their ugly heads. Like a victim being swarmed in a street fight , I wait for the next kick , hope that the explosion of pain is not too severe and that the pain won’t last long. 24/7 , day in day out and throughout the night the fatigue and discomfort never give me a break. Every part of my body is now becoming tender. I keep pacing , stretching and moving the best that I can. For awhile each day I manage to “walk away from it all” and put it behind me . At least in my mind , then I try to do some livin. I speak to someone , then when I speak with that person again , whether it is a few hours , days or months later , I know that they do not comprehend that the fight and the ill feeling for me has been constant since we last spoke . I don’t expect people to comprehend. I do wish however that they could understand what has to be overcome in order to concentrate on a conversation , or why it takes awhile to put a smile on my face. My energy levels to do anything at all are starting to fade quickly. I keep trying to keep moving , maybe build up some stamina ,but there has been no luck in that department lately. I try my “damndest” to look outward and mentally participate in the world around me , but the effects of the cancer keep drawing me inward into a downhill spiral. I am now afraid that the cancer is metastasizing to my brain. I would rather lose my legs . Any chance to do any “livin” is quickly fading . I’ll try to put a smile on and “keep movin”. Later , Bye for Now See Ya , On The Other Side. Again I am not whining , but documenting. "On with the day !!!!!"

15 Minutes In A Cancer Patients Life

Fri . 13 /10 1040 PDT I shoot up out of bed. I feel like I have been poisoned. Sweaty and clammy every cell in my body feels as if they are vibrating and hot. My temp. is 35.5 C ? A full 1 1/2 C below normal. My whole being feels sensitive and tender . Although impossible , it feels as if my blood hurts. I am uncomfortable sitting or laying down . Standing while rocking at the same time , or pacing distract from the discomfort. Pains come and go in different parts of my body . Within a few minutes I feel cold , a few minutes later I am hot again. My Temp now is 34.7 C and I feel clammy and hot. Pains like ghosts strike one or more parts of my body , disappear and then reappear in different parts of my body. I wonder what the next 15 minutes will bring.

SUMMERTIME

Aug. 13 / 10 0530 PDT The whine. The sky is still dark and the air is cold. As far as I am concerned the last summer of my life is over. Here on the N. Island it is unlikely that there will be anymore warm nights where one could lay outside and gaze at the stars in the summer sky. I gritted my teeth and went through 7 months of chemotherapy with the hopes that the symptoms of my cancer would abate long enough to accomplish a few last wishes. The symptoms were held back and did become bearable for a bit , but nothing else fell into place. I couldn’t get through the last cycle of chemotherapy being in the situation that I was in. Like I said in a previous post “Manana Manana” just doesn’t work for me . When a window of opportunity opens up and I am capable of doing something , if I miss taking advantage of the moment , for whatever reason , the opportunity for me is lost forever. At least in this lifetime. Things that did not get done. Hell , I could not even get my bicycle fixed . “Hell or high water” I was going to mpush myself and go for one more ride along the ocean highway. I wanted to get into town and buy two blue “T” shirts . I was hoping to try alternative homeopathic cancer therapies , supplements to keep the cancer from metastasizing. I have travelled extensively and was wishing to complete my travells by making it out to the West Coast of the Island ( I have never been and I am so close) during the summer before I die soon. That is not going to happen now. I would have liked to a have been able to just get into a vehicle first thing in the morning , and drive , looking for vistas to photograph. I would have liked to made it out on a small watercraft the ¼ mile out into the ocean to say hello to the sea lions that have kept me company during this last year while I sat outside with my morning coffee. I would have liked to have been able to do a **** of **** off of a ******* ass and eat *** ***** before I die. It may seem selfish , but I have worked hard during my lifetime , and have worked harder than any healthy person can even imagine to stay alive , and I will be dead soon. I do not think that I am that far out of line to wish for a few simple pleasures before I die. Those are a few of the things that were on my short bucket list that I will never get too do now. I definitely will not be alive next summer. Four walls , a roof and a blank computer screen and hospital visits will now be the way I spend my last days. Hell , that’s the way I have been spending the last year and more. The walls keep closing in and the big black dog keeps nipping at my heels. Yesterday is gone and being this close to death there is little time to waste on being bitter. My last summer is gone!!!! I still have memories from my past . I did make it out last night and in no time at all I observed three falling stars. I made three wishes , two for you and one selfish one for me. The night sky was gorgeous , and for that I am grateful , as I still am for the experiences that life on this planet have given me. The Song For The Moment Is; “In The Summertime” By Mungo Jerry Just a “flitty” fun summer song I will always remember the smell of suntan lotion on a woman’s skin. Bye for now , see ya on the other side

Only Human

Aug; 13 /10 1230 PDT The Song Of The Day Is: “I’ll Take You There” By The Staple Singers The Cancer: My health slides downhill and I slip away day by day . As I spend most of my time alone I don’t notice the changes in my body and behaviour until they become glaring malfunctions. I get frustrated at my inability to get through a day in a normal fashion. Communication is getting difficult also. I know that I could die at any minute and that I will be dead soon. Obviously my priorities and mindset are of a different nature than they were when there were tomorrows to consider. The DR’s and the few people that I do know started wondering why I was still alive long ago. Little do the know , and I do not expect them to understand that I am only alive for brief moments each day or night. The rest of the time is spent hanging onto life with the tips of my fingernails. No one sees the hours of mental and physical preparation that it takes to get through some of the simplest tasks. Healthy people can only take being around the terminally ill for brief periods. This is probably as it should be. I know that it can drag people down watching someone die slowly. It does get to the point of neglect sometimes . That is only human as far as I am concerned . People , and myself want “do some livin” rather than spend time with someone whose constant companion is the guy in the black coat carrying the scythe. I know that it is not nice to fool people . I have to admit that I derive some pleasure when I manage to mask the boiling cauldron inside and fool people into thinking that I am healthy. At least I think that I do sometimes , maybe they are just being kind. The Perseid Meteor shower is peaking tonight between 0200 and 0400 PDT. I am going to try to get out , watch the night sky , make a wish on a falling star. I wish everyone well !!!!!!!! Bye for Now See Ya on the Other side. . .. I AM GUEST / At this horizon that opens welcoming / generous / as I recall the eyes that shined and opened / wider than all the sky / with all the lands vibrancy / the seas power and the rivers soul / in the places open , graced with power / in the knowing accepting heart / you led this guest into the living forests of time / where I found strength in a humble solid stance / I walk slowly past the places where the old bones rest / the weight of the fragrance of the sea / slowing my footsteps to respectfully linger / I stood open at your grand fathers spot , open to the flow / accepting the responsibility of what I yet not know / my promise kept / I put the offer in the rivers flow / through my hand your grandfather lit the offer / as has been done many , many times before / all must come , all must go / as I leave for the journey that never ends / people feel the presence within / feel the gaze that casts the bond / into the heart and beyond . Azab

Uncomfortable or Uncomfortable

Wed. Aug. 12 /10 1210 PDT The Song of The Day Is : “A Hard Rains Gonna Fall” as Performed by Edie Brickell The Cancer: Again , I am not whining , but rather documenting what it is like to be dying from incurable Extensive Stage Small Cell Lung Cancer :The night sweats woke me . The consolation was, when I stuck my head out the door and lifted my head to the sky , the northern lights were undulating in the sky. A few minutes later they disappeared. I am getting worn. I am not comfortable sitting , I am not comfortable standing , I am not comfortable laying down . Sleep ? , now is not like anything I remember. During sleep I am wet and clammy. I wake up more tired than when I first laid down. The dreams are so vivid that they are almost entertainment. I am forgetting them as soon as I wake up , but I am trying to retrain my mind to keep them in memory. I have heard from numerous people , that the dying should pay attention to their dreams. Sometimes I feel like every cell in my body is nervously and uncomfortable vibrating. The effects of the cancer are a never ending nightmare. One is on the rack , once the tension is applied , it is never going to be slackened off and the tension is always increasing. Day after day , night after night , week after week , month after month , the discomfort is a constant companion. Movement makes the symptoms more bearable. On of Dr.s that I am under the care of , said the bone deep fatigue and most of the other symptoms are caused by the active tumours in my body spewing toxins throughout my whole body. I have stayed away from the narcotics that it is constantly suggested that I take , both by Dr.s and by acquaintances. In my mind this has been a factor in my relative longevity. Ones mindset also has a lot to do with how one handles and fights a terminal disease We as a society have a mindset . Got a problem , take a pill. I have to admit that the months of chemo therapy has been the main reason that I am not dead yet . But “holy smoke” what a price was paid for a few extra months of life. When the pain has developed to a bone crushing , 2cnd and 3rd degree burn intensity I have broken down and taken some serious pain medication. For the most part I have avoided “the pill trap. I try to find something positve in each day and treat each new day as gift as a way to put the discomfort and pains out of my mind. Keeping the body moving as much as possible , may sound simple , but is an effect way of coping with the discomfort also. The consolation of not being medicated is that I am staying as lucid as possible during my last days/weeks. Occasional recreational drugs as far as I am concerned are fine , but one needs to be healthy to enjoy them. The fatigue sets and limits how much I can write. I would like to document the dreams , leave some of my life experiences and opinions behind .However handling this disease is a full time job. There less and less time in each day for me to write , cook , walk , etc. etc... Mentally and physically. I worry now about the tumour that is starting to obstruct my airway.Wondering and worrying about the cancer metastasizing to my brain. I will get into "the positive" at least for awhile today. Bye For Now . See ya on the other side .-----------------------------------------------Aug. 12 /10 0530 PDT 0530 At 1210 I had to get up because I was sweating too much. Just now I was under three blankets and shivering. If today is going to be similar to the others , by the afternoon I will sit outside in the hot sun to warm myself. Another of the effects of the cancer. My temp. right now is 34. 8 C . Like a “Yo-Yo” my body temperature fluctuates between 35 C and 36.7 C . The change can happen within a few minutes . The most extreme fluctuation that I have measured was from 34.3C to 37.7 C in approx. 60 seconds.

12 Days

Tues. Aug. 10/10115 PDT I know better than to get exited when I get blessed by having a good ½ day. Yesterday I had , what for me was an pretty good morning and am grateful for it. This early morning is a different story. I am extremely uncomfortable and find it difficult to get moving . Hopefully I can change that for the better today. The Cancer; During the 7 months of chemotherapy I attributed most of the ill feeling to the effects of the chemo drugs. It has now been over a month since the last cycle of chemotherapy . The reality of the effects the cancer in me and toxins the tumours produce coursing through my veins hits home. I can no longer say to myself , ““when the effects of the chemo abate I will feel fine”. The denial did get me through some really rough times though. What the health care professionals call “chemo brain” (being mentally lost in a fog) has for the most part abated . For that I am grateful also. One of the young doctors that oversees my care it quite astute at comprehending what the cancer patient is going through and the best way to handle the symptoms. I know that this is not completely the case , but it appears to me that most of the time spent with health care professionals is spend dispensing and monitoring drugs. This young doc has supported me in my attempt to stay away as much as possible from the pain killers and the other medications that deal with symptoms , but do not do anything for the disease.( I have experienced the horrendous side effects of these drugs first hand) I am a year and a few months past my “expiry date” so to speak . I attribute this partly to the decision to stay away as much as possible from the “legal dope”) I know that I sound like a broken record when I say “keep movin , keep movin” but movement , in my case , was more helpful in providing relief while struggling towards a sense of well being than any drugs that I had taken. I am aware however that each person reacts differently to each drug. I have experienced the intensity of bone crushing 2cnd and 3rd degree pain and know that it will be returning soon. Apparently it is a neuropathic pain that I experience. Morphine , dilaudid ,etc. do nothing for me for the pain. I feel like I am lost in a chemical soup . but the pain remains, I am dreading the day when the pain will return in it's full intensity. So I try to “keep movin” as much as possible. As with all cancer patients there is that fine line (that keeps changing all of the time) between inactivity and too much activity. ( activity in my case means walking and stretching)Not enough activity and I get caught up in the downward spiral of “the more I rest the more tired I get the more I rest” . Once I get caught in this spiral it takes a herculean effort to pull myself out of it. Too much activity and it knocks me flat on my back. Finding that ever changing fine line is difficult. I hit that fine line right in the center yesterday morning , and had , what for me was a good ½ day because of it. Bye for now , See ya on the other side . ----------------------------------------------------------- There are about 12 days left of summer weather around here. These will be the last 12 days of summer that I will ever see. It has been over 8 months now of four walls , hospital stays and living hand to mouth ,7 of those months in Chemo hell. I am still able to put one foot in front of the other but am fading. The cancer is taking over fast. I hate to be selfish but I would like to have the means to live a bit during these last days .( maybe even try an alternative therapy) Although demeaning and humiliating ,Again , I am going to include “the open letter” with the hopes that it somehow spurs the trustees at the I.L.W.U. Local 500 Vancouver B.C. and Manulife Financial to be compassionate and take some action towards the release of my death benefits . What a waste to have to spend ones last days in this way. An Open Letter To the Trustees from the Union ( Local 500 I.L.W.U.) that has control of my death benefits and Manulife Financial. Release my death benefit funds so that I can spend the last few weeks of my life with some sense of independence and die with some dignity. All that has to be done is “sign the papers“. It cost the Union nothing. It would change how I live my last days out for the better immensely. Manulife has already allocated the funds. The cheque is going to be issued soon any ways. Great West Life doesn’t or shouldn't’t care if the small amount of funds is released now or in a few weeks. Let a person living use the funds and maintain some security and dignity during their last days instead of throwing the funds into a hole in the ground.

Contemplation Log

Mon. Aug. 9 /10 0646 PDT Something , or something unfinished has been keeping me alive. The day is overcast , the neighbours adopted feral cat stuck her head inside my window ,took a brief look at me and wandered on. I am going to try to make it down to a log on the beach. The old worm eaten log had spent many years in the ocean . It washed up during a magnificent storm last winter. There has not been another wave since then that has been powerful enough to remove it from it’s regal perch .I’m going to plant my feet on the ground , my face in the sky , maybe the spirits of the ocean and the changing sky will take me to a peaceful place for awhile . Usually when I make it down to “contemplation log” to say my three prayers , a crow comes by perches close by on the same log and keeps me company for awhile. Small pleasures , great treasures. 0800 PDT What a morning. My body is not punishing me as much as usual. I walked along the beach for a short while. Sat down on contemplation log. Said my three prayers. The crow joined me for a short while. The tide was receding , slowly exposing it’s treasures . The clouds were hanging in the mountains like soft pastel strokes streaming from behind an artists brush. The ocean was calm , glassy , and flat for most of the way to the mainland. Flocking birds simultaneously danced against the shades of blue gracing the sky. My feet on the ground , my face in the wind and all the beauty surrounding me , for a few moments I felt like I belonged . These moment are spiritual to me . I wonder if we choose where we are going to die , or if the place chooses us? Something , or something unfinished is keeping me alive . The cancer should have killed me long ago. Sometimes the suffering has made me wish I was dead. Then shortly there after I feel guilty for thinking that way. At the moment I do not care. I am just going to bask in and be grateful for the comfort and peace that I experienced this morning. Bye For Now , See Ya on The Other Side.

Bits And Pieces

Mon. Aug. 9 /10 The Song Of The Day Is : “Don’t Let The Sun Catch You Crying” As performed by Riki Lee Jones 1221 PDT I woke up . For the moment I did not feel to bad . So I made a coffee , and ran with the feeling . Hoping that it would last for more than a few minutes. When one’s own body becomes one’s enemy one forgets who they are. We define ourselves by remembering what we have done and by what we are planning to do . ( mind you we usually look at ourselves through rose coloured glasses and quite often see ourselves in the light of our intentions rather than the way we really are) For me to overcome the discomfort and symptoms of my disease I find that my concentration is focused on the present and very near future. Think back to when you were very ill. You think in the moment , wondering how long your present malady will last and how you could make the immediate discomfort go away. Your mind does not easily reminisce about more pleasant past experiences , nor does it let you plan for the future , however brief that that future will be. Since the ill effects of my cancer are constant ,this insidious disease not only wracks the body but also presents obstacles in the way of my thought processes. A kind of amnesia sets in when one has to concentrate on ones physical condition all of the time. Forgetting about your past while having your future stolen away leaves one in a kind of limbo. On a broader scale , cultures that treasure their youth and respect their elders have what I would call a “culture of substance“ . The cultures of the Native populations of the America’s and the Chinese culture come to mind. The past and the future. I try my damndest to put my disease aside so that I would be able to reminisce and share my past and what it is like to prepare for my spiritual future that will not be on this earthly plane . I try to garner the strength but the requirements of day to day survival and the symptoms of my cancer overcome. This leaves me feeling despondent and inadequate. A house that I was living in years ago burnt down , actually it blew up first, I was hospitalized and had lost all my possessions except for a pair of shorts , a “T” shirt and my truck. ( luckily it was not parked near the house at the time). A few short months after , I had overcome all the losses except one , which I still regret. That was the loss of all my photographs that documented bits and pieces of my life. All I have left now is “words” to leave behind when I die soon. I have been asked by a few people to document my life's experiences as my life has been far from conventional. My first priority however is documenting my dying experience so that people may come to a closer understanding what a terminally ill person goes through while on the journey to the other side. That’s not quite true. First priority at the moment is day to day survival and to squeeze some living out of these last days/weeks. I would also like to leave some words behind about my life , as this will be the only record of my stay on this earthly plane. Last but not least is to document how I come about finding some spiritual comfort before I die soon. Each day I try to put the symptoms of my cancer aside and attempt to write the best that I can about this journey to the other side, Bye For Now See Ya on The Other Side. Today I am going to lower myself and include the open letter to Manulife Financial and the trustees at I.L.W.U. Local 500 Vancouver B. C. . Although demeaning and humiliating I am going to include the open letter again with the hopes that it somehow spurs the Union and Manulife Financial to be compassionate and take some action. . What a waste to have to spend ones last days in this way. An Open Letter To the Trustees from the Union ( Local 500 I.L.W.U.) that has control of my death benefits and Great West Life. Release my death benefit funds so that I can spend the last few weeks of my life with some sense of independence and die with some dignity. All that has to be done is “sign the papers“. It cost the Union nothing. It would change how I live my last days out for the better immensely. Manulife has already allocated the funds. The cheque is going to be issued soon any ways. Manulife doesn’t or shouldn't’t care if the small amount of funds is released now or in a few weeks. Let a person living use the funds and maintain some security and dignity during their last days instead of throwing the funds into a hole in the ground.

Get Busy

Sun Aug. 8 /10 1007 How would you spend the last days of your life. I made it down to the beach. It was more of a struggle than it was 2 days ago. I said my three prayers. It is getting really difficult to find any comfort for even an hour a day. I always feel like I am on the verge of passing out or falling down. After the 7 months of chemo , I had a few weeks where I could of done some living. That opportunity has all but passed now , as the cancer is now winning. It does feel like I’ve been left here to rot now. No one was willing to work with me so that I could do some “livin” even though it would be to their advantage. That's just the way things go. I have to admit that there is some bitterness there. There is no time for that now. Time to get busy about this business of dying properly. Eyesight is going a bit funny and the pains are returning. The fatigue that I though could get no worse is now increasing. I am not going to die in an hospital bed all doped up. Bye for now see ya on the other side.

Dreams And Night Sweats

Sun. Aug. 8 /10 0100 PDT The Song of the Day Is : “Something” by The Beatles Pay attention to your dreams. I don’t mean life’s aspirations , but the one’ s one has while sleeping. On more than one occasion , while speaking with people that have spent time with terminally ill persons during their last days , the significance and intensity of dreams experienced by the person dieing has been discussed , as has their importance to the person dieing. Pay attention to your dreams. As my cancer grows , and life ebbs my dreams become more vivid. I strongly believe that there is a correlation to the importance and clarity of my dreams and my closeness to death. This relationship has now been borne out and in my mind has been backed up by the prognosis of the oncologists and the growth of the tumours The grimmer the prognosis (the X-rays and CT scans show the tumours growing) and the more that the tumours grow and suck the life out of me , the more vivid and real the dreams become. As I have mentioned before , for the last couple of years there is no rest for me or what you would consider sleep. When I lay down , it is because the constant exhaustion has finally knocked me down. Within a few minutes , my eyes are closed and I am in a different state or place. It is not sleep as I recall that I experienced when I was healthy. I feel more exhausted when my eyes open from the latest journey than I was before I had first laid down. Then there is the big push to get moving. It is almost as if the “sleep?” and dreams require my energy to make it through. I have three categories of dreams now. One is the subconscious mind mulling over and sorting out previous events, Another is what I call the precognitive dreams. People , places events and sensations that are vivid and other worldly , One just knows that there is significance to what is transpiring here . On some of these sojourns I am aware of my empty lifeless body laying down on the bed , not necessarily below , but in a different place or state. The third category of dreams is what I call “the visits“. For lack of a better term , people ? (I would say spirits of people if it was not for the physical sensations) most I have known but have lost contact with , some I do not recall knowing. The visits seem real in another worldly way. They come and hug and comfort . During these visits , I feel the sensation one feels when one loves someone so much , that you feel like the two of you are almost one, and the comfort that the closeness brings. When the experience is over and my eyes open , there is usually tears streaming down my face, They are not bad tears. Some of the “people?” that come and comfort during these "dream visits" have passed away , others I am not sure of. There is so much more to this experience of dieing than medical measurement. The mind and soul go through a whole process also. What we call modern medicine just scratches the surface as far as knowledge of the dieing process is concerned. I hope that the medical profession starts to veer away from assembly line health care. The night sweats are also returning now. The night sweats or as I call them “deaths sweats “ , another sign of the cancer overtaking my body. During these sweats my body temp. is low . Down as low as 34.5 C but usually 35.5 C , on the border of and into hypothermia. During the day I try to get out and sit in the hot sun to keep my body warm. I do not have the energy to try to get “into the positive today” . For more than the last 8 months I have been left in an next to impossible situation for a healthy person to live in , let alone someone going through chemotherapy and dying. If I am here tomorrow maybe things will be different. I am trying my hardest to get out of this death row mentality. With nothing but four walls , an empty computer screen , and the body constantly being assaulted it can be difficult. Bye for now , see ya on the other side. I am not going to lower myself today to include the letter to Great West Life and I.L.W.U. Local 500. Vancouver.

A Better Way To Go

Sat. Aug . 7 /10 0510 PDT. I sit here listening to “ol 55” by Tom Waits . The music soothes. The cancer is now rapidly growing. The tumours in my bad lung are obstructing my air way and are choking off the air supply to my good lung. Panic sets in when one starts getting starved of oxygen. Maybe this is the way the cancer is going too kill me. I know that this will not sound right but, luckily I have experienced near drowning twice before. So , I know what to expect if I die this way. During the near drowning experience , once the panic subsided . I thought , gee ! ,this is almost comfortable. I could feel each second slowly passing by. Then the will to live kicked in , and I struggled to get to the surface of the water , sputtering and gasping. If the tumour chokes off my air supply , there will be no way for me to get to the surface ,so to speak. This is a much more preferable way to die rather than laying in a hospital bed , all doped up and incoherent. At least this way my death should be less painful and quicker than if the tumour metastasizes to my brain or eats through my spine. I am getting a bit nervous .and am now physically extremely worn all the time. I can drink 3 strong heavily sugared coffees and immediately lay down and drift off. Sometimes it is difficult to appreciate life at this stage but I still mange to most of the time . My lucid moments are still being spent chasing practical day to day matters. Selfish or not , I believe that I should rather be spending my time documenting the dying experience , in my own way of making peace with the world. But those are not the cards that are dealt to me. I get a bit nervous now . There is a bit of physiological cause of the nervousness as my oxygen supply is slowly being increasingly restricted. It feels like someone is slowly trying to choke me. The other aspect of the nervousness I really wonder if I will be here tomorrow or the next day. Rather than be contemplative , I have to keep pursuing practical matters to get through the next day?, days?. Although demeaning and humiliating I am going to include the open letter again with the hopes that it somehow spurs the Union and Manulife Financial to be compassionate and take some action. . What a waste to have to spend ones last days in this way. Bye fro now See ya on the other side. Again the open letter. An Open Letter To the Trustees from the Union ( Local 500 I.L.W.U. Vancouver Canada) that has control of my death benefits and Manulife Financial. Release my death benefit funds so that I can spend the last few weeks of my life with some sense of independence and die with some dignity. All that has to be done is “sign the papers“. It cost the Union nothing. It would change how I live my last days out for the better immensely. Manulife has already allocated the funds. The cheque is going to be issued soon any ways. Manulife doesn’t care if the small amount of funds is released now or in a few weeks. Let a person living use the funds and maintain some security and dignity during their last days instead of throwing the funds into a hole in the ground.

Great West Life

Fri. Aug 6 /10 The Song Of The Day Is “Miles From Nowhere” by Cat Stevens Jumped out of bed this morning. Got down on my hands and knees and was gasping for breath. I felt like someone was chocking me. I went to the hospital yesterday. Coughing up blood .Had an x-ray done. Radiologists usually will not comment on what they see . In my case he said ,with a concerned look on his face , you have a serious problem, your airway is quickly being closed off by the tumour. More chemo therapy might ? , slow the growth of the tumour causing the problem , but my body just cannot handle more chemo therapy and there is no quality of life while receiving the therapy. I have worked 10 hour days before for weeks at a time . Sometimes I have done this while injured . This does not even come close to the difficulty associated with the chemo. I have already had an additional 5 cycles after being told that any more chemotherapy would not prolong my life or increase the quality of my life. The x-ray did give me reason to understand why I have been experiencing anxiety lately. The largest tumour is obstructing my airway. It feels like some one has their fingers wrapped around my trachea , trying to suffocate me. This also explains why I feel like I am on the verge of passing out all the time. I believe that I am at the threshold of how much radiation that my body can take , so radiation therapy is not an option. My time is on this planet is very short. It is good thing that I love eating ( that too) and that cooking is a means of therapy for me.Consequently I have not lost too much weight. My body is tanned and appears almost in shape. The insidious cancer is quickly choking the life out of me . There is just over 15 days left in the last summer that I will ever see. If I last that long. Either way I will be dead soon. I would like to enjoy these last days living in the fullest manner possible. (I have a very inexpensive bucket list) I would also like not to have to live hand to mouth during my last days. Either way I will be dead soon. I hate too have to lower myself to this but I am going to include the open letter again to "Great West Life(group benefits)" and to the trustees at Local 500 I.L.W.U. Vancouver Canada . For Gods sakes !!!!release the funds from my benefit plan so that I can live out my last few weeks with some dignity and independence. The money is going to be released soon anyways. An Open Letter To the Trustees from the Union ( Local 500 I.L.W.U.) that has control of my death benefits and Manulife Financial. Release my death benefit funds so that I can spend the last few weeks of my life with some sense of independence and die with some dignity. All that has to be done is “sign the papers“. It cost the Union nothing. It would change how I live my last days out for the better immensely. Manulife has already allocated the funds. The cheque is going to be released soon any ways. Manulife doesn’t care if the small amount of funds is released now or in a few weeks. Let a person living use the funds and maintain some security and dignity during their last days instead of throwing the funds into a hole in the ground…….. It is humiliating to have to spend ones last days chasing funds. Bye For Now See , Ya on The Other Side