Strange Creatures

Fri. Aug. 20 / The Song Of The Day Is . “The Weight” by The Band. Ah! Another morning. Another day to spend amongst the living. Although there is no guarantee that seeing the beginning of a day guarantees that I will be around at days end. Each day now I feel life slipping away . I might be able to undergo some more radiation therapy . Just like the 7 months of chemo the only benefit of more radiation will be an easing of the symptoms and pain control. Constant head aches , involuntary twitches , trouble concentrating make me fear that the Cancer is invading my brain. One oncologist told me that the loss of motor capabilities ( ability to move my arms , legs etc.) and senses (sight , hearing, speech etc.) can be sudden and complete. Now there’s a ticking time bomb inside me that makes me grateful that all systems are still functioning. Not functioning well , but functioning all the same. Swallowing and getting full breaths is starting to become a problem. Most of my time gets taken up hanging on to life when I would rather concentrate on living as much as I can. Cest La Vie. Last night after an uneventful day , while I was shuffling to bed a new though popped into my head. (It has been over 2 years now of hellish therapies and constant discomfort and pains ) Last night was the first time , that for a moment , I was looking forward to and embracing death as a relief from the physical maladies and the constant struggle to make through each day. The only changes from each hour of each day is that it becomes more difficult to overcome the disease for a few moments and find some peace and joy in this world. People who deal with or are around the terminally ill seem to have a difficult time grasping the concept that the suffering is constant , increasing and that the death sentence is not commutable. I know that people tire of the terminally ill . I have noticed that , not only in my case , but also while I have been with people that that have died from a terminal disease. There are moments when the healthy people dealing with them will become cruel . Why I do not know. Maybe it is just the way we are. I have experienced this behaviour myself and have seen it happen to others that have to die painfully and relatively slowly. However on the flip side , there are moments of extreme kindness and compassion. My what strange creatures we are. The swing in attitudes are anticipated by the terminally ill , but all the same are difficult and disheartening to deal with. Bye for now see ya on the other side.