Sun. Aug. 8 /10 0100 PDT The Song of the Day Is : “Something” by The Beatles Pay attention to your dreams. I don’t mean life’s aspirations , but the one’ s one has while sleeping. On more than one occasion , while speaking with people that have spent time with terminally ill persons during their last days , the significance and intensity of dreams experienced by the person dieing has been discussed , as has their importance to the person dieing. Pay attention to your dreams. As my cancer grows , and life ebbs my dreams become more vivid. I strongly believe that there is a correlation to the importance and clarity of my dreams and my closeness to death. This relationship has now been borne out and in my mind has been backed up by the prognosis of the oncologists and the growth of the tumours The grimmer the prognosis (the X-rays and CT scans show the tumours growing) and the more that the tumours grow and suck the life out of me , the more vivid and real the dreams become. As I have mentioned before , for the last couple of years there is no rest for me or what you would consider sleep. When I lay down , it is because the constant exhaustion has finally knocked me down. Within a few minutes , my eyes are closed and I am in a different state or place. It is not sleep as I recall that I experienced when I was healthy. I feel more exhausted when my eyes open from the latest journey than I was before I had first laid down. Then there is the big push to get moving. It is almost as if the “sleep?” and dreams require my energy to make it through. I have three categories of dreams now. One is the subconscious mind mulling over and sorting out previous events, Another is what I call the precognitive dreams. People , places events and sensations that are vivid and other worldly , One just knows that there is significance to what is transpiring here . On some of these sojourns I am aware of my empty lifeless body laying down on the bed , not necessarily below , but in a different place or state. The third category of dreams is what I call “the visits“. For lack of a better term , people ? (I would say spirits of people if it was not for the physical sensations) most I have known but have lost contact with , some I do not recall knowing. The visits seem real in another worldly way. They come and hug and comfort . During these visits , I feel the sensation one feels when one loves someone so much , that you feel like the two of you are almost one, and the comfort that the closeness brings. When the experience is over and my eyes open , there is usually tears streaming down my face, They are not bad tears. Some of the “people?” that come and comfort during these "dream visits" have passed away , others I am not sure of. There is so much more to this experience of dieing than medical measurement. The mind and soul go through a whole process also. What we call modern medicine just scratches the surface as far as knowledge of the dieing process is concerned. I hope that the medical profession starts to veer away from assembly line health care. The night sweats are also returning now. The night sweats or as I call them “deaths sweats “ , another sign of the cancer overtaking my body. During these sweats my body temp. is low . Down as low as 34.5 C but usually 35.5 C , on the border of and into hypothermia. During the day I try to get out and sit in the hot sun to keep my body warm. I do not have the energy to try to get “into the positive today” . For more than the last 8 months I have been left in an next to impossible situation for a healthy person to live in , let alone someone going through chemotherapy and dying. If I am here tomorrow maybe things will be different. I am trying my hardest to get out of this death row mentality. With nothing but four walls , an empty computer screen , and the body constantly being assaulted it can be difficult. Bye for now , see ya on the other side. I am not going to lower myself today to include the letter to Great West Life and I.L.W.U. Local 500. Vancouver.
No comments:
Post a Comment