12 Days

Tues. Aug. 10/10115 PDT I know better than to get exited when I get blessed by having a good ½ day. Yesterday I had , what for me was an pretty good morning and am grateful for it. This early morning is a different story. I am extremely uncomfortable and find it difficult to get moving . Hopefully I can change that for the better today. The Cancer; During the 7 months of chemotherapy I attributed most of the ill feeling to the effects of the chemo drugs. It has now been over a month since the last cycle of chemotherapy . The reality of the effects the cancer in me and toxins the tumours produce coursing through my veins hits home. I can no longer say to myself , ““when the effects of the chemo abate I will feel fine”. The denial did get me through some really rough times though. What the health care professionals call “chemo brain” (being mentally lost in a fog) has for the most part abated . For that I am grateful also. One of the young doctors that oversees my care it quite astute at comprehending what the cancer patient is going through and the best way to handle the symptoms. I know that this is not completely the case , but it appears to me that most of the time spent with health care professionals is spend dispensing and monitoring drugs. This young doc has supported me in my attempt to stay away as much as possible from the pain killers and the other medications that deal with symptoms , but do not do anything for the disease.( I have experienced the horrendous side effects of these drugs first hand) I am a year and a few months past my “expiry date” so to speak . I attribute this partly to the decision to stay away as much as possible from the “legal dope”) I know that I sound like a broken record when I say “keep movin , keep movin” but movement , in my case , was more helpful in providing relief while struggling towards a sense of well being than any drugs that I had taken. I am aware however that each person reacts differently to each drug. I have experienced the intensity of bone crushing 2cnd and 3rd degree pain and know that it will be returning soon. Apparently it is a neuropathic pain that I experience. Morphine , dilaudid ,etc. do nothing for me for the pain. I feel like I am lost in a chemical soup . but the pain remains, I am dreading the day when the pain will return in it's full intensity. So I try to “keep movin” as much as possible. As with all cancer patients there is that fine line (that keeps changing all of the time) between inactivity and too much activity. ( activity in my case means walking and stretching)Not enough activity and I get caught up in the downward spiral of “the more I rest the more tired I get the more I rest” . Once I get caught in this spiral it takes a herculean effort to pull myself out of it. Too much activity and it knocks me flat on my back. Finding that ever changing fine line is difficult. I hit that fine line right in the center yesterday morning , and had , what for me was a good ½ day because of it. Bye for now , See ya on the other side . ----------------------------------------------------------- There are about 12 days left of summer weather around here. These will be the last 12 days of summer that I will ever see. It has been over 8 months now of four walls , hospital stays and living hand to mouth ,7 of those months in Chemo hell. I am still able to put one foot in front of the other but am fading. The cancer is taking over fast. I hate to be selfish but I would like to have the means to live a bit during these last days .( maybe even try an alternative therapy) Although demeaning and humiliating ,Again , I am going to include “the open letter” with the hopes that it somehow spurs the trustees at the I.L.W.U. Local 500 Vancouver B.C. and Manulife Financial to be compassionate and take some action towards the release of my death benefits . What a waste to have to spend ones last days in this way. An Open Letter To the Trustees from the Union ( Local 500 I.L.W.U.) that has control of my death benefits and Manulife Financial. Release my death benefit funds so that I can spend the last few weeks of my life with some sense of independence and die with some dignity. All that has to be done is “sign the papers“. It cost the Union nothing. It would change how I live my last days out for the better immensely. Manulife has already allocated the funds. The cheque is going to be issued soon any ways. Great West Life doesn’t or shouldn't’t care if the small amount of funds is released now or in a few weeks. Let a person living use the funds and maintain some security and dignity during their last days instead of throwing the funds into a hole in the ground.