Looking for My Sense Of Humour

Aug. 4 /10 0228 PDT The Song Of The Day Is: “So Long Marianne” By Leonard Cohen . A blank white screen and a broken body. The day starts. So far today my body is just in too much discomfort to concentrate. I am not whining , just documenting . Dieing slowly and painfully is uncomfortable lonely business.. I do not want to waste my time “feeling down”. I know that it is difficult for a healthy person to comprehend that my days consist of only a few hours. Making each new day that I receive now that much more precious. The amount of work and effort that needs to be summoned to get those two hrs. , again , a healthy person can not comprehend. At least once every 48 hrs I feel as if I am passing , or that I am going to lapse into a bedridden state. I do not think that I will tolerate living when I can no longer move. I have no way of making the trip to see my oncologist , I do not think that they can do anything anyways. I am getting into well over the 8th month now of solitude. Aside from a few brief contacts with a few people , over 6 of those months were spent in chemo hell. It was my second time around for chemo , my body was still ravaged from the first sessions . The cancer beating the chemo the second time around. For the next few hours I am going to try to locate my sense of humour and “keep movin”. Bye for now see ya , on the other side. One way or another something’s “gotta” happen. Again the open letter. An Open Letter To the Trustees from the Union ( Local 500 I.L.W.U.) that has control of my death benefits and Great West LIfe . Release the funds so that I can spend the last few weeks of my life with some sense of independence and die with some dignity. All that has to be done is sign the paper. It cost the Union nothing. It would change how I live my last days out for the better immensely. Great West Life has already allocated the funds. The cheque is going to be issued soon any ways. Great West Life does not care if the small amount of funds is released now or in a few weeks. Let a person living use the funds and maintain some security and dignity during their last days instead of throwing the funds into a hole in the ground. Aug 4/10 0840 PDT Lots of blood this morning. I know that when I start coughing up copious amounts of blood that the tumours are doing their deed. Even if I could make it to see the oncologist I doubt if there is anything that they could do. I am not that afraid of dying . I am nervous about the possibility of drowning in my own blood. I guess that would last for only a short while. I did however promise the landlord that I would not leave a mess. I’ll just try to "keep movin" and see what happens