TEARS AND KISSES

tears and kisses on the same cheeks / stir the soul like the land / breathtaking but uncaring whether the body lives or dies / do not love the dead / we have left and will not be back / unpacked all our baggage and left it where it stands / like all of life’s promises that were never meant to be kept / the past will not last here / but only stains memories / there will be no shoes left at the door / the tears will not last / all tears run down the same cheeks / tears of pain / tears of sadness / tears of pleasure / tears of joy / drip and mingle into life's salient emotional pool / where memories purpose rusts / do not argue with the dead / we are already dust . Azab Aug. 15 /10 0111 PDT . Working 10 hour shift’s , 7 days a week at a physically and mentally demanding job would require less effort than what is now necessary for me to just get through the day. 18+ out of the last 24 hours have been spent in bed. Most of my hours are now uncomfortable . I had 20 minutes of one hour of what I call good hours yesterday. I have been close to feeling this way before but never to such a degree. “O well” if my time is coming I gave this life a good run. The fear of dying has abated again as I get closer to my upcoming death. For awhile there I was totally falling apart. The physical discomforts take precedence now. I try to revel in the brief moments of relative comfort. Although I am still a bit bitter from having to sit around with my finger up my butt during my couple of reasonably good weeks after going through 7 months of chemo hell. I am putting that behind me as well. I find humour as well as pathos in the few interactions that I have with people . A friend from where I used to work before the cancer took over called last night. You have to remember that towards the evening , I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth. By the time the night rolls around , I want to crawl out of my own skin. A young relation of his had just passed away. Far too young. For that I am truly sympathetic. He knows that I will be dead soon and wanted me to take a message to the other side when I go. The majority of the time however of the hour long conversation was about problems that he was , and has been having with tenants , work and bills. During the conversation I am finding it physically uncomfortable just to hold the receiver to my ear. At the time , as I often do , I felt like I was hanging on to life by the skin of my teeth. Other people that I am fond tell of their personal problems and ask me to take messages to loved ones that have passed away. Out of respect for people that I am fond off and care about , if that person is having a problem , I put myself aside and give that person my full attention and consideration . Like developing the habit of not talking behind a persons back , this habit requires work and practice. Try being this way on a consistent basis and you will see how many times you fail before you get it right time after time. These are two of the many elements of living life with some dignity and honour. If someone that I was fond of was having a problem I was willing to help in any way that I could. I would set my baggage down and get to work. Willing to put my life and freedom on the line , and at times I did ! On occasion losing my freedom , and coming very close to losing my life on more than one occasion. Now that the cancer is taking it over I am extremely frustrated that I am not much of benefit to others , or even to myself for that matter. The struggle to hang on takes all my will and energy now. The humour and the pathos ? Is in the awkward situation when the conversation goes blank , blank on my part because every ounce of energy and thought at times is being taken up by just “hanging on” . Blank on the other side because the other person just doesn’t know what do . Or is not really willing and is caught with their pants down. Like Sancho Panza and Don Quixote puking in each others faces after Don Quixote does battle with the windmills , one blank is confronted in return by another. Bye for now , see ya on the other side . The Quote of The Day Is : Don't strew me with roses after I'm dead. /
When Death claims the light of my brow /
No flowers of life will cheer me: instead
You may give me my roses now! /
--Thomas F. Healey