NUISANCE

Wed. Aug. 18 /10 The Song Of The Day Is: "Where Do The Children Play By Cat Stevens"(just a pretty song) While I was receiving chemo , there was a glimmer of hope. Although The Dr.s were administering “ aggressive chemotherapy” and the side effects were horrendous. In the back of my mind I was wishfully thinking that after each cycle of chemo that perhaps the tumours would shrink. The results of the X Rays after each cycle and just before starting another proved dashed those hopes each time. . I did get pain control however. I recently inquired about more radiation therapy. The reply that I received from the nurse practitioner indicated that more radiation MIGHT ? relieve the symptoms that I experience in the area where the largest tumour is. In other words more radiation might relieve the pain. As far as fighting the cancer itself , it is just the cancer and me. Each day the cancer provides me with something new for me to deal and fight with. I have not given up but I am realistic and have to admit to myself that the cancer is not only devastating my body but also that it will kill me soon. I also have to admit that I have given it a good run. The latest new adverse effects are the random pains that come and go. I am assuming that what I am now feeling are precursors to the neuropathic pains the the Dr's explained that I had experienced before the last 5 cycles of chemo. Those pains could come and go at up to 6 different places in my body at once , lasting a few minutes , or they could be constant for up to 6 days and nights(once a pain deep inside my body lasted for 15 days and nights and made lying down impossible) .When asked to describe the intensity of the pain , I said , “imagine someone constantly banging your shins with a broom handle or a hockey stick for up to 6 days and nights ,CONSTANTLY HITTING!!. The cancer , just like it adapts and becomes resistant to the chemotherapy also come up with new ways to make one suffer. The pains have been returning with a new twist. It is a if something is following me around and jabbing random parts of my body from the outside and from deep within. I feel like a prodded cow. Each time the pain hits , my body reacts as if trying to “get away from the pain” , The pain is in me , but the body contorts as if the pain is being inflicted by an external source. Reminds me of a dog that was named “Nuisance” that a friend of the family had when my family lived in the north. This dog was allowed anywhere in the house , except on areas that were carpeted , and the dog new this,. One day unbeknown-st to the dog , carpet was laid covering the bare hallway floor. The dog comes prancing into the house along the hallway , as he had many times before. Halfway down the hallway this poor animal realizes that there is carpet beneath his paws. Knowing that he is not supposed to be on carpeted surfaces , and that there might be dire circumstances for this indiscretion. The dog decides to take the shortest route possible to get off of the carpet. Strait up. Like a gazelle , the dog try’s jumping strait up , the shortest route to get off of the carpet. Landing and sensing the carpet beneath his feet he would jump strait up again. The homeowner , and the people the had helped him lay the carpet were at the end of the hallway celebrating the completion of the job with a bottle of Canadian whiskey. The poor dog , confused and in distress jumping up and down on the spot , looking at the now drunken laughing carpet layers . Afraid that he was going to be punished for treading on a carpeted area and doing his best to stay off the carpet by trying to defy gravity . Someone finally shooed the poor Nuisance down the hallway , out the door so that Nuisance could feel grass beneath his paws and stop bouncing. Just like Nuisance jumping strait up to get away from the carpet that was all around him, my body moves to get away the pain that is inside me. For me there is no door at the end of the hallway. Pain control is complicated and has side effects that can be as devastating as the pain. Until the pain becomes unbearable and/or the cancer metastasizes to my brain , I choose to stay as lucid as possible. There is still some life left in me . I live life , not one day at a time ,but a few hours at a time. The life within me ebbing and then I struggle to make it flow for awhile and then it ebbs again. Bye for now see ya on the other side. Again since my living situation is quite dire I am including an open letter to Great West Life Vancouver B.C. to respond to the request made by the trustees from local 500 I.L.WU. , to release some of my death benefits so that I can live out my last days with some sense of security and dignity.