Empty

Tues. Aug. 17/10 Being close to “Mother Earth” comforts and humbles me as I approach the journey to the , others side?. The Cancer : I have a feeling that today, I might just be empty. I woke , drank a pot of coffee. Two hours later , I found myself staring at the blank computer screen . My head propped up and resting in my hand , not knowing where the last two hours went. Like an alcoholic after a binge , my whole body nervously vibrating. I wonder if this is not an indication of the cancer metastasizing to my brain .Or if it the lingering effects of the chemo drugs and/or the toxins produced by the active tumors in me coursing through my system. My mother told me about a time when she had drove into town , and although the place that she was at was familiar , when she stepped out of her car she was lost., She did not know where she was. She was diagnosed with and died from cancer not long after that. I experienced something similar just after undergoing my first cycles of chemo. I was at the hospital going for a CT scan. I not only did not know where I was , I also did not know who or what I was. This lasted for about 15 min. , then slowly everything started to come back. Let me tell you , that feeling of being blank and totally lost is pure horror. The pains can be excruciating and maddening , but they do not instill the horror that one experiences when the disease affects the mind. As I have said before , I would rather lose my legs than experience that again. Each day is a struggle of mind over the effects of the disease. Each day I win for awhile . When the cancer metastasizes to my brain , it will take away the last defence that I have . I am now getting afraid that it is on it’s way , if it is not there already. I WILL make it outside today . I think that today , I will say my three prayers with “gusto”. More Later , Bye for now , See ya on the other side.