Fast,fast, fast

0941 PDT There is a common thread that has ran through many conversations that I have had with other caner patients . Cancer patients that are close to the end. The floor itself sometimes feels like it is slipping away from underneath my feet. Nov.30/10 2400 PST . The Song Of The Day Is : “Tupelo Honey” by Van Morrison My resting pulse is 100+ . The cancer like my pulse is moving fast , fast , fast! AGAIN!!!. The cancers are at it again. My eyes open. I find myself sitting in front of the computer , fingers resting on top of the keyboard. I type a couple of words ,perhaps a sentence. My head starts to slump forward , I pass out, My eyes open and again I find myself sitting in front of the computer . I type a couple of words , perhaps a sentence . I am dizzy . My resting pulse is above 100 beats per minute. It has been that way for days and weeks now . I fear that my heart will not withstand the duty much longer . There is no real sleep now either. I am running the gauntlet again . A CT scan is to be performed today and the oncologists in Vancouver have assured me that if radiation therapy can help for my pain control , that they are pretty much ready to go . I am the one that has to handle all the logistics and chase the funding for the trip. 0407 My how things change !!!! Within 24 hours I have gone from being able to enjoy at least looking forward to what I thought might be a few weeks that would consist of at least a few hours a day . “God” , give me just 2 or 3 good hours a day. 2 or three hours when I can let my mind wander unhindered by the effects from the cancers that are now overtaking my body. Maybe I could enjoy a special meal that I am capable of preparing , enjoy a spectacular sunrise , enjoy the taste of a woman. Or at least be able to even think about such things . Early yesterday afternoon it might have still been possible . Since then the cancers and the pain management protocols that I follow have stripped of my ability to even contemplate such endeavours. Doctors and health care professionals fail to comprehend that “pain management” even if successful in numbing the pain , DOES NOT MEAN that the patient is being provided with any comfort from the effects of the pain. I can take narcotics till every inch of me is numb but I am still not be much more comfortable than I was while experiencing the full brunt of the pain. Other Cancer patients “get it“ , while most health care professionals (bless their souls however ) just can not wrap their heads around the this concept. “Modern”medicine” suffers from tunnel vision and TOO much influence from drug companies . The cancer patient runs up against the pervasive attitude of “if cannot be fixed with a drug , it cannot be fixed” .Education and intelligence have very little in common. Most people in the health care system are quite bright . I have ran across some doctors and nurses that are unbelievably perceptive . I can’t help but think that their abilities are stifled somewhat by the system that they must work within. I digress here .I am trying to convey that speed of which the cancer is now torturing me and how quickly it is sucking the life out of me. Again writing is hard. I now have to work hard to put each word down . On another subject . I can sense spirits around me as I have in the past. On previous occasions when my body was close to dieing I sensed the same. I can sense death close by. I am aware that this sounds weird but the sense is there. There is much more around us than just matter that we can see, feel and touch.

DREAMS III

Oct. 27/10 The Song of The Day Is “Allison” by Elvis Costello ( Just a pretty song in it’s own way) Writing requires a lot of concentration and effort on my part. It takes a lot out of me . It provides a release of sorts from the grip that the cancers have on me . Writing everything down seems to makes me a bit stronger and the cancer a bit weaker. For a short while at least. I am exhausted to begin with and even more so after I finish writing. It is a good type of exhaustion though , like a good cry. While I am writing , at least in my mind ,the cancers loosen their grip a little and for while don’t run what is left of my life as I walk the thin line. Wavering towards death and then leaning back towards this living world. Sleep is no longer sleep. I either pass out from exhaustion with the help of medication ,or I visit what seems to be a different place. A place that is not of this world but still somehow strangely related to it. This is no joke . These places and experiences are as real as a hand touching the skin on your body. Sometimes , I am aware of my physical body and where it is during these sojourns . Just as aware as you are of someone standing next to you while you are wide awake. I keep a notepad beside my bed .A “steno” book , like the ones that were used by secretaries to take letters and such in short hand . Long ago , in “Dictaphone” days . I keep a retractable pencil stuck in the metal twist at the top of the notebook. This is so I can write these experiences down as soon as my eyes open . If I get busy or distracted after my eyes open , I will forget. What amazes me is the senses that get involved during these trips. I experience touch and smell during these trips. I have to admit that some of the dreams are prophetic. Sometimes I can read something into them . Simple stuff mostly. Like an upcoming snowfall or a place and situation that I will soon experience. Similar occurances that I experience during theses sojournes , occur in life shortly thereafter. Sometimes the “places ‘ are intricate experiences , wondrous worlds inhabited with colourful characters that posses true depth in their personalities. Sometimes they are simply weird . Sometimes they are scary , but not terrifying. A recent dream got my attention because my sense of smell was involved. Not only was smell involved , the smell lingered after I was wide awake. I was walking along a street. To my left was a row of crumbling merchants stalls. The rubble spilling out onto the street. I walked by one demolished shop. My feet made a sound like the sound that would be made if you were dragging your feet through gravel. As I walked alongside side one of these crumbling shops the distinct smell of a house fire invaded my nostrils. Suddenly I was floating
and making my way through a black void . My arms were searching through the black void . They were searching for something bad . Something cruel to grab a hold of and do battle with. I could clearly see my arms outstretched and searching in front of me. They appeared as black silhouette against a black void ?. I awoke . I was wide awake . I writing this down in my “stemo” pad as I sat upright in my bed. The distinct strong odour of the house fire from my dream lingered. The odour was present for a good 10 minutes after I had awakened. After I finished writing and put the “steno’ book down I took another brief trip into this subconscious world. A hunched over elderly native gentleman was holding onto a young girls hand as he was walking towards a door . There was nothing else there. Just a door in a white void. Our eyes met in a friendly manner. I knew that I must let him pass .Let him enter the door ahead of me first. I then awoke again. A few people that I have had discussions with about dying have suggested that I pay close attentions to my dreams.I think that this is good advice. My time is “now “ to consider the non-physical aspects of death and dying. Bye

The Heart Of The Matter

Nov. 28/10 0310 PDT. The Song Of The Day Is : “Lay Lady Lay” by Bob Dylan ( I always enjoyed the feel of this song) Yesterday evening the fight was on full tilt. More often , and for longer periods of time now I am experiencing symptoms that mimic , or are symptoms of a pending heart attack. For awhile I worked as the medical officer (glorified Level III first aid attendant) when ships stopped to unload their cargo at the Port of Vancouver. If someone there was exhibiting some of the symptoms that I now experience I would follow the standard protocols. Put the patient in a position of comfort , monitor the vital signs in case CPR was required and dial 911. In my case if I dialled 911 or went to the hospital every time that I experienced debilitating or what appears to be life threatening symptoms then I would be be going to the Emergency department almost daily. Maybe the symptoms are mimicking an oncoming myocardial infarction are the side effects of the medications . Maybe I have developed a heart problem. Maybe the metastasis of the cancer is affecting my heart . (maybe it is just broken). I found two new lumps last week , now this !!!!. I am sure that going through and surviving episodes like the 50 or so days and nights that I recently experienced . When I spent 90 % of my time standing or pacing with no sleep to speak of. My heart rate constantly above 100 beats per minute , little nutrition , the stress of traveling to receive radiation treatment , barely being able to swallow and having difficulties breathing. Episodes like this could have taken a toll on my heart. The laxatives that are prescribed and touted as safe by health care professionals (sennosides) that I must take alongside the pain meds can have deadly side effects and often do. I am sure that many a patient has died from the side effects of the “safe” laxatives while blaming the disease. Like someone being administered a lethal dose of potassium chloride , listing the cause of death as cardiac arrest . The patients heart may have stopped , but it was the potassium chloride that killed the patient. (I digress here). I pray and hope that I will have the strength and means to at least do a bit more living. If I see Monday I start to run the gauntlet again. Ct scans , a visit to the DR. here on N. Vancouver Island . My oncologist from Vancouver contacted me and said that if it is the cancers that are causing my problems , and if the cancers are in an area of my body that can be radiated , that the treatments can be administered within a few days. The logistics and requirements required to of an impending trip to the mainland and the stay there raise the stress levels through the roof . I found two more lumps last week , suffered debilitating pain in the lower right quadrant of my abdomen and am now experiencing symptoms related to heart disease. Dam ! , I would like to do just a bit more “Livin” Bye.

"If I Were A Betting Man"

Nov. 25/ 10 O500 PST The Song Of The Day is : “To Close” by Mavis Staples The Cancer: The cancer in my lymphatic system and the cancer in my lung seem to be having a competition . Both cancers are intent on ending my life , each one attacking different parts of my body. As the saying goes “if I was a betting man” , my money would be on the cancer in my lymphatic system will be the one that will force me to draw my last breath. Prior  to my last radiation treatments . I was stunned at the how quickly the cancer in my lymphatic system debilitated me .  I went from being able to function relatively !well , to barely being able to breath , swallow ,lay down and writhing in pain within a matter of days. The neuropathic pains attack all parts of my body , the latest new assault in the groin area started last night , continues on today . Hell , the pains are everywhere. My body feels like it has been poisoned , a result of the cancer spewing toxins into my body , I assume . There are drugs , and I do take a powerful narcotic for the pains. I try to minimize my intake . I am trying to stay as lucid as possible. The cancers will debilitate my mind also soon enough. The pills “ numb” and provide some comfort , but the discomfort and pains are still there. God or the devil keep prodding. I find a bit of comfort , or rather I should say less discomfort , when I am standing or pacing . I am grateful that I still can. In the past lying down at all was impossible. If the cancers affect me the same way again , I do not think that I have enough strength to handle not being able to lay down for days and weeks. Again , I am not whining , just documenting. Writing down what my body and mind are going through while dieing provides me with a bit of a release. Cancer affects so many peoples lives . Here is a first person account about what it is like to actually be dieing from cancer .The doctors are now aware that I am sliding downhill quickly and are responding accordingly. Tests are pending to determine the extent and exact locations of the cancers. The tumours in my lung can not be radiated anymore but apparently other parts of my body might be able to withstand some more radiation . The radiation therapy does work in reducing the size of the tumours. If my body does not “kick in” and slow the advancing cancers in my body , I am doubtful if I will ,or can last much longer. I will try , but there are moments when I come close to giving up. It has been a long , long haul. What is good . The fact that I am still able to pace , my legs ,arms , speech and sight are still intact , although I do move a bit funny and my speech is off sometimes. I am lucid for the most part. If I get the pain medication just right , if for awhile my body cooperates ,if I concentrate on overcoming the discomfort , I can have a few good hours . Today , the new pain in the lower part of my body keeps jabbing at me and makes me flinch. I have been up for 6 hours now. I will try to put on “the smiley face” for awhile. Even if it is just for someone else’s benefit , it still brings me some joy. Bye

THANK YOU

Nov.23 /10 0808 PDT. God ( whoever, whatever she/he is) blessed me with a heart warming exquisite sunrise this morning. He/She pasted the clouds ,“just right” into the sky , above and amongst the mountains . She/He coloured the ocean and sky in unimaginable shades of blue. The sun ‘s red hues dazzled and danced in amongst the clouds , tiptoed across the water towards me. The rising sun humbled me as it rose from behind the mountains. For a moment ,this heart of mine that sits in this dying body sang. I was moved to prayer . Not the scared , asking for something kind of prayer , but a “Thank You” for the show ,"Thank You" for giving me another day kind of prayer. BYE.

Goodbye Before Chritmas

Nov. 23 /10 The Song Of The Day is : “Ramble On” by Led Zeppelin One more month and it will be the day before Christmas eve . People are already talking about gifts and their finances. I have always noticed that people start to stress right about now. The stress levels hitting a full crescendo by the 23^rd or 24^th of December. Corporations have already started to bombard the airways and streets with the propaganda that you need what they are selling to make your life complete. This year I hope that things will be different. I hope that the people that I know ,and everyone for that matter , truly find peace within themselves and share that peace with each other. I am very grateful for any attempts that anyone has made to help me through this period of my life where I cannot help myself. If I get realistic . It has been over a year now that my company for the most part has been 4 walls , myself , the cruel effects that I experience from the cancer and the necessary trips to the hospital. It has been over a tear now since I have been told that I was a burden . It has been over a year now since I have accepted the fact that when people say that they are willing to help you through the tough times that it is mainly lip service . I have waited weeks to get a quart of milk , waited months for necessary health products that (which by doing without I suffer) people have promised to pick up but never do arrive. I don’t understand why people would make promises to terminally ill people and the just leave them waiting. I guess even a broken promise is better than nothing, although the result is the same. It has been over a year now since , during a time that I was hanging on to life by my fingernails , that I was told how lucky I was because I did not have to go to work. (being able to do hard labour for 12 hours a day would feel like a vacation compared to what I go through on a daily basis). It has been over a year now that people have dropped by , emotionally distraught , visibly upset and tell me with gusto how dire their lives are .Things like , “My spouse is not communicating in the fashion that I want them too.” “Oh , I might have to sell one of my many vehicles to maintain my opulent lifestyle.” Meanwhile I am wondering how do I get to doctors appts. . ?(I have been dropped off and stranded in town before ,I’ve had to do without medications) . How do I get the necessities of life ? How do I make it through the day? I listen attentively as I try to hang on to living itself. On the bright side , I have little time to think about dying while being stressed out each day in this way. I have always maintained that no one is obligated to make another person’s life more bearable. Any help above zero ,is help just the same , and is always appreciated . Telling a dying person that you can count on them , then just abandoning them is not right. What confuses me though is , why would anyone promise to help someone that is suffering and dying , and then do nothing . Aside from the wasted precious time , I am left to stress and scramble as to how to get things done. My four walls , the cancers and me. People must feel better about themselves if hear themselves offer to help. Don’t get me wrong , I am very grateful for any assistance and company that has come my way . The reality is though , that the broken promises far outnumber the one’s that are kept. This is nothing new to me . I have learned a long time ago that what people say and what they do are usually two different things. The psychological effect of this upon the dying person is that they feel like they are left to rot while waiting to die. All is not bad , I will wring some good out of today , I could even die today. I am alone , this presents some difficulty in gauging how quickly I am slipping away. I only know that it is dam quick. One more month and it will be the day before Christmas eve . I will not be alive this coming Christmas eve. . I pray that there is not too much suffering from now until then . You must go on ., for me life will be over. BYE ( 5$ for my bucket list , no one has done it yet . )

TEARS AND KISSES

tears and kisses on the same cheeks / the soul like the land / breathtaking but uncaring whether the body lives or dies / do not love the dead / we have left and will not be back / unpacked all our baggage and left it where it stands / like all of life’s promises that were never meant to be kept / the past will not last here / but only stains memories / there will be no shoes left at the door / the tears will not last / all tears run down the same cheeks / tears of pain / tears of sadness / tears of pleasure / tears of joy / drip and mingle into life's salient emotional pool / where memories purpose rusts / do not argue with the dead / we are already dust . Azab

Nothing Left

Nov.22 /10 The Song OF The Evening Is “The End” By The Doors. Just when I though that things would not get worse for at least a few days ,While the nurse came to my home today I discovered a 3x2 inch brand new tumour , the tumour was not there days ago. Last Time when I discovered a new tumour , the one under my arm ,it’s size doubled within a few days, as well as within a few days I was left curled up on the floor In indescribable pain. I could not even lift my arm . It has been just over a month since my last treatment. There has not been any good news for over 2 years now. I tell myself not to get my hopes up , but how can I not. But dam , they get continually dashed (the 7 months of excruciating chemotherapy did not shrink the tumour in my lung ) Tears flow because of this latest disappointment , I want to continue fighting , but how can I , every time That I suffer through therapy , it fails. I want to continue fighting but how can I. There is NOTHING left. BYE

Too Tired

Nov.22 /10 . The Song Of The Day Is. “It’s All Over Now Baby Blue” by Bob Dylan The fatigue is just “too much” this morning to write much. I get a headache and become dizzy when I try to concentrate. I can sense the effort required to move my fingers over my computer keyboard. I can sense the energy that is required to depress the keyboard keys. Maybe Tomorrow I just realized that I have been sitting in front of the blank monitor screen for more than 25 minutes , totally oblivious to my surroundings , even the air that is around me. I’ll have to say good bye. Nov . 22 /10 0353 PST I try , I try and then I try some more to concentrate on something other than the ill effects that I am feeling from my cancers . But it is like trying to sleep while you are staring at the sun. It has been over 2 years now since the doctors told me that without urgent chemotherapy that I would be dead within a few weeks. Since then I have struggled to stay alive . There has not been one day since then that I have not had to run the gauntlet of the cancers assaults . There has not been one day since then that I have felt comfortable ( broken bones , large burns , torture , I have experienced all three ,  these experinces were not as intense).When I was healthy I could not even imagine the intensity of discomfort that I have experienced for many, many days since that day over two years ago. Since then there has been many , many times that I have had near death experiences since that day over two years ago. I am trying with every fibre in my body , I am trying with all my heart and am straining my soul to do get into the positive. I am trying with every bit of energy that I can muster to continue fighting the cancers. I wrack my brain daily trying figure out how to get the necessary means to do some livin. My whole body and my mind reacts like that muscle that starts to quiver and shake when being subjected to too much strain . I sit here now , my body and mind has just had enough , I sit here now , my whole body quivering. It has been over a year now that other than a few brief outings and a few short walks (99% of them trips to the hospital) that I have not been surrounded by these four walls physically hurting and left to contemplate my upcoming death. What you are reading has been my only outlet to communicate my situation so that I do not have to hold everything inside. If anyone else was here it would be embarrassing as I sit here breaking down and quivering. Obviously no one is going to step up to the plate and help to the degree that will alleviate the stress of the struggle. Maybe that is as it should be. Just Quivering ! What a waste of the last precious moments! Bye

Pickled Herrings and Borscht

Nov. 21 /10 0320 PST The Song Of The Day Is : “ He Ain’t Heavy” by the Hollies. The Cancer: I am exhausted. There is no sense in trying to sleep. I am just too uncomfortable . There is no way that I can lay still , it is just too uncomfortable. Neuropathic pains stab me under my arms , in my abdomen , a headache , dental pain , flu like symptoms and nausea keep me awake. This is the cocktail of discomfort that God has planned for me so far !, today. I have started to experience chest pains. I am sure that all the drugs , the cancer treatments and going through times when I have not been able to sleep for 50 or more days strait while clinging to life , has taken a toll on my heart. There are times when dying from a heart attack might be a blessing . I refuse to "go there".  I do not know which way things will go today. It is early , 0320 ! . The symptoms could get a lot worse , as they have for a good many days in the past. I will however “try to work through it” as I have for a good many days in the past. Things could get better. I’ll put some music on (mandatory) ., walk around my apt. , try stretching and try to keep moving and occupy my mind . Thinking about everything from spirituality , to death ,  to happy times and deliciously lewd women. If I keep pushing I might be graced with a couple of good hours today. Any day could also be my last!! I try to put that thought out of my mind . I just glanced at the TV. The three stooges are on. I wonder if my brother remembers splitting my head open while we , and my mother were visiting one of her friends. My brother , and myself were playing near a huge hole on a vacant lot. My brother had picked up a football size clump of rock and mud . The piles of dirt that surrounded the hole that we were exploring was strewn with an abundance of these clumps. He raised this clump of rock and dirt above his head . He then smashed it down on the top of my head. I turned and looked at him. His eyes were widened with terror as I felt the warm blood streaming down my face. I really did not feel that much pain , the look in his eyes terrified me. I began to cry. My head gushing blood , he rushed me back to the house where my mother was visiting her friend. Why three stooges are relevant in this trip down memory lane ? All sibling rivalries aside . I loved my older brother , most of the time , and most of the time idolized him , as younger siblings usually do , especially brothers . I was frightened by all the blood , but I was more concerned about his fate when he rushed a blood soaked “me” into the kitchen where my mother and her friend were socializing. Even though I was totally innocent , there was trouble afoot . I could not help but feel that I was not totally in the clear of a severe reprimand either. Even at that tender age , I had discovered that keeping my mouths shut ,nodding my head in agreement , while my older brother did the explaining was the best tactic that I had if not to totally avoid punishment , at least lessen it’s severity. We had just been watching the three stooges prior to going out to play .  Prior to , what my brother was now claiming to be, a completely innocent smashing and splitting of my scalp. He tried to avoid my mothers wrath by telling her that we had just watched Moe (from the “ three stooges’ )do exactly the same thing that he had just done to me to Larry . Larry did not sustain any visible injuries. He surmised that I should have not sustained any serious injury also. This whole incident was the fault of the untruthful depiction of what would happen if one was to smash someone else in the head with huge clump of mud and rock.I nodded in agreement while he claimed  his innocence.  It was clearly the fault of the TV and those lying “three stooges”. I nodded enthusiastically in agreement. For some strange reason my mother did not completely buy the explanation. The reprimand did not last too long.  Being immigrants sons , full  of borscht and picked herrings , even as children we did not quite know where we fit in within Canadian society.  There were times when there was no one else for me to count on other than my older brother. Sibling rivalries had to be out aside and we would look out for each other the best that we could.  Again: The Song Of The Day Is “ “He Ain’t Heavy” , he’s my brother. By “The Hollies” Give it a listen , it is a pretty song. A little trip down memory lane helps me overcome the symptoms from my cancers for awhile. Maybe tomorrow

Seriously

Nov.20 /10 Think hard. What was the most upsetting and traumatic experience that you have ever experienced and dealt with ? I mean a real serious !! experience. Your best friend just got mangled and died in a car accident and you had just seen or spoke with him/her. Or you were seriously abused as a child . Think and imagine how you felt then. Let’s say , that that some one that you care about deeply , your spouse , your parent or your child is with you right now , suffering and dieing. They have been suffering for a long time .You are , and have been with the person every day and every night for months and months. Your whole life involves nothing else other than being with and experiencing the misery that your loved one goes through daily. All the doctors have told you that your loved one is going to suffer , suffer to a degree that you cannot comprehend , and for the most part will continue to do so , their body rotting and deteriorating until soon your loved one’s body has , just had enough ,and they die. The whole medical profession concurs on this prognosis. Statistics also bear this out. Yourself and your loved one have battled with and have summoned the strength to accept the reality of the situation . You deal with the seriousness of medical condition and the ugly physical assaults you loved one’s body has to endure daily . You both have searched hard and have reluctantly accepted the inevitability of the dire outcome . But you have accepted it. Each day the acceptance requires strength. Each day you do not want to face reality , but you have no choice. I will finish this later .

Who Are You ?

Nov.20 /10. My symptoms tell me that I am in the final stages of dying from cancer. If I live much longer , it is quite possible that , soon , when people that I know , call , or knock on my door , I will not recognize them , or remember who they are.  I know that the reason for my loss of memory will be because of the cancer killing my brain cell's I can't help but wonder if my thoughts will still be out there somewhere.

All I Want

Nov. 19 / 10 0300 PST The Song Of The Day Is : “All I Want” by Joni Mitchell . ( a dam pretty song) The cancer. The cancer in my lung has taken a back seat to the cancer that is in my lymphatic system. Both it and the cancer in my lung are aggressive! Prior to the last sessions of radiation therapy a golf ball size lump suddenly manifested itself in matter of days. I can feel the twinges that let me know that it is coursing through out my body. I shouldn’t and can’t ignore the pains in my head any longer. When the cancer goes to my brain it is going to be an extremely ugly death. ( I carry a phone with me even if I go from one room to another , one oncologist told me that when the small cell lung cancer metastasizes to my brain that the debilitating effects can be immediate , I am alone and I fear being paralysed , lying incapacitated on the floor until I die , my body being discovered because of the smell. This is a realistic concern as last year around this time I spent in excess of 50 days without contact with anyone , Things have changed a bit now . Home care nurses call and drop by twice weekly .However if I do not answer the phone it would probably be at least a week or two before they would decide to physically check things out.) . If the tumours in my lung end up killing me , that will not be pretty either. It has been just over a month since my last radiation treatment. In regards to the pain either God is making things difficult or the devil keeps prodding me. No matter what type of pain I experience and regardless of where the pain is it becomes worse when I lay down. I have to keep standing and/or pacing to lessen the discomfort and pain. In the past I have spent weeks standing and pacing , laying down and passing out for less than an hour a few times a day , exhausted and barley able to stand. I am not exaggerating. As I have said before the pain meds “numb” and bring some relief ( a sharp pain just shot through my head and scared the crap out of me , wheefff ! I’m back now) but the discomfort and pain is still there and laying down for any length of time is impossible. I am my own health care advocate. With our health care system I will not receive any care unless I ask for a specific type of treatment or care. There usually is no one to advise me on what if any care would be helpful and /or available (recently I have been fortunate enough that a DR. at the cancer agency has taken an interest in my welfare has made himself available for any questions that I might have). My concern now is should I ask for them to radiate my brain and what would the side effects be ? It there experimental chemotherapy available ? If there is how do I get the loot and help that is required to make through the chemo. Is it the dental pain that is causing the headaches , or is it the cancer? Where do I get the loot and am I going to be able to get to the dentist? How do get to go see the doctors when I do have an appt. ? My diet and supplements have been as important(sometimes more so) and necessary as any care provided by the health care system. Without them I would have died long ago. They are necessary to build up some strength in order to receive any treatment from the cancer agency. All treatments that are available trough the cancer agency are extremely hard on the body and are life threatening in their own way. I already run out of the dietary needs every couple of days and the supplements every couple of weeks. How do I get the loot to get the supplements and how am I going to be able to get them in a timely fashion ? I have been without one supplement now for a few days and am suffering because of it. Another one runs out today . Am I going to make it through the day? These are all questions that weight on my mind 24/7. I know that I have managed to stay alive much longer than anyone has expected. I am sill alive however and plan to keep fighting hourly/daily. Because of the cancer I am not able to do much. I stress very day as it is akin to pulling a rabbit out of the hat to try to fulfil my needs , make the right decisions as far as any therapy that I pursue , how to do something enjoyable to inspire me to keep living after I work my but off to get those few hours of relative comfort. What a waste that all the energy goes in that direction. I have logged in the forest, worked on the log booms while loading ships. Extremely dangerous hard work. Friends were seriously injured and killed. I have wracked my brain out working 40 to 50 hours a week at a desk for General Motors, going to school and studying in every spare moment. I worked running a business where 70 or 80 hours a week were not uncommon. I worked as longshoreman , again friends and acquaintances getting hurt and being killed often. I have been in situations where my life has been on the line and my body has had severe pain inflicted upon it intentionally. All of that combined doesn’t compare to the amount of work and effort that it took and takes get through what I have been going through on daily basis for over two years now and continues to get more difficult by the day. Having to do hard physical and mental work for 12 hours a day 7 days week month in month out would seem like a vacation compared to what it takes to get through a day now. Although I should be and am grateful for the help that I have received. I feel that I don’t deserve having to stress every day wondering how I will go about getting the things that make living for a few more days weeks or months possible. It is now 0710 . I have been up since 0300. I have taken my pain meds , concoctions and have been moving around the best that I can. I have had my mush for breakfast. If the effects of the cancers do not debilitate me within the next few hours , if I concentrate ,pace for awhile and move my body around I might get a couple of good hours. I can then out on the “Smiley Face” , try to enjoy myself for a couple of hours , or use the couple of hours trying to figure out how to get by where I am (today I have to figure out how to at least get one of the two supplements that I require) , decide whether or not to pursue more maintenance therapy and if so figure out the logistics and where to get the means to make it all happen. I’d rather be writing letters , poetry , enjoying the beauty that surrounds me and looking after myself. C’est La Vie. (well enough whining for now , as was once said in a movie “get busy living or get busy dieing” , unfortunately this is not a movie and I have no choice about the dieing part)

On Your Own

Nov.18 / 10 I have been trying to fight this insidious disease and all that It brings for a long time now. I have avoided the reaper on numerous occasions. People have said to my face “holy shit” your’e still alive ? Part of the reality of being classified as terminally ill (even though there are options available to help one live and there is still living that can be done) is that there is some support if one decides to medicate , lay down and die. The health care system will provide support and advice on how to do so. People seem willing to offer sympathy on your way out. If one tries to fight and stay alive and do some living however , they will find themselves pretty well on their own. Although I am sure that all are well meaning and well intentioned, the reality is that the terminally ill that hang on too long will be left to fend for themselves until the final few days and hours . Then everyone will crowd around , be sympathetic , and be willing to watch you die. I can understand that everyone has a life to live , but my concern now is for the terminally ill and my own battle to keep on for awhile .Numerous times I have heard “if there is anything we can do”, if you hang on for too long this just seems to become lip service and you will be left to fend yourself. I am not complaining , just accepting reality. Maybe Tomorrow.

Outside Looking In?

Nov.17/10 0330 PST Outside looking in. Each day I try to find something to be grateful for . Within each 24 hr period I usually succeed to some degree. I can not recall what it feels like to get up and not feel extremely ill . It has been so long since I have felt anywhere near being comfortable within my own skin. If I did not have these cancers and felt the way I do right now , I would be dialling 911 and going to the hospital. If your semi-healthy and reading this , you would be too. Instead I’ll take some pain medication and hope for the best. Different set of pains in different parts of my body constantly torment me now as does the “bone deep” fatigue. The fatigue! I can sense the energy required to move my fingers or even lift my eyelids. Writing this takes the effort of running a marathon. For some reason it is important to me. The discomfort keeps me up regardless of the narcotics. (The pain medication “numbs” but the discomfort from the pain persists. This is an aspect of “pain management” that nurses , doctors, anyone healthy for that matter cannot seem to grasp.) Up at 0200. ( I cannot lay down for more than an hour at a time ) I try to get some sustenance into me . Keep trying to get moving . I sip on heavily sugared coffee. Concentrate on putting the discomfort aside . I put some music on. Push , push , push. I seriously consider if this will be the day that I will die. Then sometimes by 07 or 0800 ,I have mustered enough of a grip on life to function for a few hours. Those few hours are precious to me. I do not want to waste these moments. Disassociating myself from my body is becoming more difficult as is finding something to be grateful for. I will keep trying though. I was considering pushing for more treatment( maybe radiation in parts of the body that are not maxed out with radiation already or experimental chemotherapy) and partaking in alternative treatment (supplements). The reality is that this would require reliable and consistent assistance , as would trying to do some “livin” during my last days. No one has stepped up to the plate to help. This hanging on while dying for me is a scary solitary affair. There is a gale force wind howling outside . The ocean is seething and frothing about 60 ft. in front of where I am now sitting. This humbles me. I find some comfort In this humbleness. I live by the day now. May be today? Maybe tomorrow?  (slowdeath2-azab.blogspot.com)

THE DREAM

Nov. 16/10   During the times when I sense death closing in dreams become vivid and other worldly. They feel as real as the waking world. I have written about this before. There seems to be different categories of dreams .The ones where the subconscious mind mulling over past events. Then there are the precognitive vivid dreams that are as real as the breath coming out of your lungs. The following falls into the latter category. THE DREAM: There is no life here , only wanderers. Dirt trails make their way winding and twisting through and around small dune like hills. Barley enough room for the steady stream of other travellers to pass. There is water in the low lying areas between the rises in the dirt mounds. Small single file hastily constructed wooden bridges cross some of these low lying areas , in other places there is only mud. Sparse sea grass grows near the lower area ,like tufts of hair left on a balding mans head. Away from the trails gnarled sparse bushes start to grow. Do not deviate from the trails , all the spirits understand this. There is light ,the light emanates from the ground and surrounding low lying air. The air struggles to keep the darkness at bay. The darkness is not thick and black like night. The further from the trail the light lessens. The weaker the light the stronger one senses other presences. Other presences that should be avoided. The presences using the trails are travelling. There are destinations in either direction but there is no real sense of purpose . Possibly the sense of purpose is the destination. Everything in the immediate area is grayish,there is no life here , only wanderers. Dirt trails make their way winding and twisting through and around small dune like hills. Barley enough room for the steady stream of other travellers to pass. There is water in the low lying areas between the rises in the dirt mounds. Small single file hastily constructed wooden bridges cross some of these low lying areas , in other places there is only mud. Sparse sea grass grows near the lower area ,like tufts of hair left on a balding mans head. Away from the trails gnarled sparse bushes start to grow. Do not deviate from the trails , all the spirits understand this. There is light ,the light emanates from the ground and surrounding low lying air. The air struggles to keep the darkness at bay. The darkness is not thick and black like night. The further from the trail the light lessens. The weaker the light the stronger one senses other presences. Other presences that should be avoided. The presences using the trails are travelling. There are destinations in either direction but there is no real sense of purpose . Possibly the sense of purpose is the destination. Everything in the immediate area is grayish . A lake sits to one side , on the other side are foothills .One gets the sense that imagination could not travel on those foothills. There are wooden dark barn board buildings clustered here and there near the lake. These buildings should also be avoided. There is an imminent “cold” approaching and that is why the presences are moving. There is a small town nearby . Dilapidated ,leaning wooden structures . The town , the type one sees in cheap western movies. This town has been plunked down in this melody of sensations .diffuse ground emanating light and wandering spirits. And cold. The town is a place to get away from. My presence stands and moves at same time, by the trail and on the trail as only can be done in dreams. Observing and moving . Spirits travelling in each direction like refugees fleeing some disaster . Some are children hanging on to their mothers hand as they travel. Their mothers peasant skirts long full and billowing. Other small ones are being pulled as they sit on small antique wooden wagons sparing their small legs the punishment of the trail. The children seem to be the only spirits that are somewhat comfortable at this place and state. They are dressed in rags and have splotches of mud on their faces but seem safe and comfortable. This makes my presence comfortable also. Traffic moves quickly in both directions. Back towards the town seems to be the wrong way for me to travel . I set out towards a dryer and safer place. There is a sense of urgency. I feel that some of the presences are in the same state that I am in. They are few. There are forces approaching . An oncoming foreboding rumbles in the dirt in the trail. I know that I must stay on or close to the trail. Suddenly they start to rumble by and the other presences scatter. Rugged bearded lanky souls dripping in rags. Menacing , travelling quickly on loud 2 wheeled cycles these spirits suddenly appear. As the others scatter I stand my ground. For the time being they do not notice me even though I am right there. Perhaps they do not want to be noticed by me. I know that I must make it to higher dryer higher ground where the trail divides into many directions. There is the possibility of comfort and safety there. Again there is a sense of urgency. I feel that I must make it somewhere before the darkness sucks up the ambient light. The darkness will move in like a low fog that displaces then envelops the diffuse light. Some of the haggard souls stop and scan the area as if they are looking for prisoners. In my immediate area the other presences still make their way . I travel alongside in a group of women and young ones . Either I am providing them with safe passage or they are providing me with safety amongst them by providing me with anonymity. The trail becomes busy now .The haggard souls searching and travelling in one direction. Myself and the refugees travelling in the other. I seem to be travelling towards higher ground. Traveling further the crowds and mayhem becomes less prevalent. The further that I wander the more alone I am. There still is the presence of a few women. The trail twists and winds upwards amongst dunes topped with long grasses. There are sparse deciduous trees here and there. Their branches unavailable for the first ten feet from the ground. I am aware now that the haggard souls will soon be able to see or sense where myself and the women in my company are. I am not afraid of the haggard souls but we are trying to evade them., this confuses me. Shortly they will be aware our presence . I feel that if it was just up to me that I would confront them. There are less travelled trails leading to small thatched sandy coloured huts. Some are occupied , some are not. It would be impolite and possibly dangerous to enter one of these abodes . We look and come across an empty one. Myself and my company enter the hut. It is sparse . There is closeness as we lay down to rest. There is an energetic overwhelming comfort that envelopes us. Other presences are aware of our comfort. I know that they lack the ability or knowledge to generate or to feel the comfort that myself and my company are feeling. Others including the haggard souls are searching for the comfort or the knowledge of how to achieve this state. I am not hoarding this feeling as it is something that cannot be taken but must be given. As only can be done in dreams I can see the whole scene from high above outside from my position inside. For the moment there is only bliss where we are. I know that I will have to leave soon . There will be pain , blood and frightening tests ahead .I know that when I leave ,the ones I have left behind will be safe and comfortable. The haggard souls will not stop searching until after a confrontation of will and spirit. This is as much of one dream that I can describe in one sitting. I will describe the rest of the dream later.

Ducks

Tues. Nov. 16 /10 The Song Of The Morning Is : “Fearless” by Pink Floyd. Advice to keep in mind if you ever become terminally ill. Have all of your ducks lined up as far as trying to accomplish anything during your last days so as not to have to rely on anyone. Everything will be fine and dandy if you just lay there , give up and wait to die. People will take some time to be sympathetic . However if you work your but off so that continue to attempt to fight the disease and try to do a bit of living whenever you manage to garner the strength and the disease permits. You will soon come to realize how quickly you have become a burden if you require any assistance. Maybe this is as things should be. Maybe Tomorrow Nov. 16 /10 0743 PDT ,The sunrise this morning is spectacular. The suns crimson rays bounce in amongst the clouds gathered amongst the mountains to the east. Almost solid looking sun’s rays burst for through any openings they find . They spill out towards me , and the soft blue sky that is above the ocean. I am inspired to say a prayer and I think. I think that if there is a God ,that he/she/it dwells in places like this mornings sunrise and has little to do with mankind. I look out at all the wonder that surrounds us . Although at times we to occasionally shine , for the most ,singularly we are self absorbed creatures , collectively we are a cruel ,lying destructive species. I can’t see a god that is capable of producing such beauty that lies in nature being much concerned with self absorbed creatures such as us. Just look at us as a society , most of our efforts and resources are spent on either killing each other or creating new ways to do so. On a singular level our selfishness lies waiting to pounce , hidden just under a very thin veneer of civilized behaviour. No., I do not see God being much concerned with creatures such as us. Perhaps nor should he/she/it?

"PALLIATIVE"

Nov: 15 / 10 1930 PDT I keep track of the pain control medications that I take and when I take them. The hospital provides me with pre-printed sheets with blank spaces . I just put a tick mark in the appropriate place. The doctors and nurses can then see at a glance how much medication I am taking and when. I plan my meals and activities accordingly. A nurse that drops by twice a week. Today she dropped off some blank sheets. In big bold letters at the top of each sheet it reads , “PALLIATIVE CARE HOME MEDICATION RECORD“. The word “PALLIATIVE” glares back at me and stings . The fact that I can spell "metastasize" at the drop of the hat also bothers me. These insignificant details remind me that I will be dead soon. When I put my “happy face” on and concentrate on every word that I say I can fool most people. I can pass myself off as a healthy person. Hell, some women even flirt. If someone spends more than a few minutes with me and is somewhat astute it becomes apparent that I m clinging. Clinging to life and trying to function amongst the living. It takes hours of mental and physical preparation before I can slip into my “happy face”. My grip on relative happiness is weak and can be easily loosened. Sometimes I wonder why I put the effort into trying to make other people comfortable ,but I know that I will continue to do so. . The Cancer: I have been experiencing severe dental pain. I managed to get in for a check up and consultation with a dentist. Apparently chemotherapy and radiation therapy deprive the saliva from it’s ability to help protect the enamel on teeth. Especially at the gum line where roots can become somewhat exposed (something like that anyways). I guess I brush to often also. There is a solution but just like the alternative therapies I can ill afford to do either. The unfortunate result of this is all the effort that I put into reducing the pain medication is all for naught as I now must increase the pain meds. Also with the addition cancer (lymphatic) my research tells me that my body will not fight the cancer while it is fighting any type of dental infection. Problems with dental health can be life threatening which in this case it is yet is not covered under our health care plan. Sometimes I feel like I am at the end of my rope as almost each day brings another discomfort. I try to be grateful for each new day but pain makes it difficult . I do not want to slide into a narcotic stupor. I will however continue on the best that I can. Maybe Tomorrow if God gives me another day.

Hats Off To Those That Care

Nov 13 /10 The relationships between people who are fighting to live while dying of cancer , and people that care for and/or are trying to help the dying person can be , confusing and frustrating for both parties. Dealing with someone that is dying I am sure is trying and depressing. The conversation inevitably ends up in a discussion about the cancer and “the symptom’s”. This I am sure is depressing for the healthy person as it is redundant, depressing and tiring for the person dying. Sometimes I avoid all contact with anyone else . I simply don’t have the strength to describe the dire situation again. After speaking with numerous people , I would become totally depressed and emotionally exhausted. I noticed that each time I spoke with someone that the conversation was the same. I would repeat what I had just discussed ( sometimes within minutes of just having discussed it) or I would spend weeks totally alone wishing for someone to talk to. Conveying the symptoms , the grim prognosis while they would say things , “well you never know” , “maybe there will be a miracle” , “gee your dying differently than the way that Joe died” accompanied with all sorts of suggestions and questions relating to cancer but “unresearched“. I feel like each time that I speak that I have to educate each person from the beginning , about the cancer , what my specific symptoms are ,etc. , etc., etc.. I am frustrated from having to relive the horror over and over but so dam grateful that someone cares enough to ask. What a “catch 22 that is”. There are times I am grateful that I can just unload everything , there are times when talking about the cancer is pure torture. So I totally sympathize with the frustration that the “healthy people” must experience when dealing with the ever changing situation. I live by the hour , I do not know what the next hour is going to bring. I have been living by the hour for months now . The time has been laced with near death experiences for a long , long time . It is also frustrating from the “inside looking out“. A person dieing from cancer works unimaginably hard to get a few “good hours”. The time left is short!! , and mainly full of suffering. It seems like people are waiting and observing . Watching and waiting for what life is left being drained away. It is nice to know that people care. Again , a person dieing from cancer works unimaginably hard to get a few “good hours”. . It is time to pull out all the stops and get as much living as one can during those few hours. What would you do if you knew you were going to be dead soon and only had a few relatively good hours at a time. Would you want to spend them commiserating ?, or fighting the cancer and living as much as you could? Until the spade breaks ground there is still living to do. There is little energy to comfort and appease other people. I can’t help but think , either share the experiences and help a person enjoy what time is left or ???????. Maybe Tomorrow ? Nov. 14 /10 0530 PDT It will be one month this coming Tuesday since my last radiation treatment. This is supposed to be when the side effects subside and I feel the benefits if any . Uh! Oh! The Extensive Stage Small Cell Lung Cancer was enough to deal with. The cancer is now in my lymphatic system. This is the devil that causes me the most pain. Although it is probably the cancer in my lung that is going to kill me. I am better now than I was pre radiation (not to hard to beat) but not as good as I was a couple of days ago. I can feel the “twinges” caused by the cancer coursing through my lymphatic system. The sharp , stabbing ,burning pains that inexplicably come and go in addition to what I was already experiencing. I know from experience that these pains are precursors to the “medieval torturous” type of pain that the cancer has in store for me. I can now sense the cancer growing in my lymphatic system in my chest. I hope that I am wrong , but it seems that things are getting worse right at the time when I should be feeling the benefits of the radiation therapy. The therapy provided relief in the areas where it was administered . Unfortunately the cancer must have already metastasized beyond the areas where the radiation was administered. For those that wonder about having cancer and what symptoms to look for. I now know of a symptom (actually it is more of a gesture) that the body and mind experience that should have a person going to see their doctor and INSISTING that test be done. First of all you will have a strong sense that something is wrong . You can’t quite put your finger on it , but all the same you know something is badly wrong. I understand that this is so vague that you will feel foolish going to a doctor just because you sense that something is wrong. Early detection is key to surviving cancer. So , like NIKE says “just Do It’ and be insistent till the sense of foreboding is either relieved or no longer there. The gesture that I am speaking of that I can now confirm IS: I recall before I was diagnosed that I would constantly be reaching for and touching my body at the spot where the cancer was growing. There was no real pain but I can remember constantly reaching for and touching the part of my body on the outside , where the tumour was growing inside. Now that I know that the cancer has metastasized into my lymphatic system I can confirm that this gesture can help in the diagnosis. I have noticed (and have witnesses) that I was reaching for and rubbing the areas where the cancer has now metastasized to. I am sure that the body is sensing (although in the beginning there is no pain or discomfort in the area) that something is terribly wrong in that area and is telling you so. I was not insistent and am now paying for it by dieing a very ugly death. While I make my peace with the world I will try to enjoy what life is left and will keep fighting till my last breath . As I get closer to death , there are unexplainable experiences that can only be attributed to existence of a spiritual world. I am not religious in an organized sense. I have not let myself become overly fearful or so desperate that I will try to read something into an experience that is not there. The experiences are simple and undeniable. More Later!!!!! I am exhausted.

Trapped?

Nov.12 /10 Trapped ? Simply existing today is a major task. If I pneumonia and a bad flu I would be feeling better than I now do as a a consequence of the cancers. My hair has grown back and if I put a on my face I can still pass as a healthy person.Little can they comprehend the “boiling cauldron” seething inside of me. People are social and women still flirt. The cancer overwhelms me from the inside and I find that being social , especially with members of the same sex can be draining. In the presence of women , I still find comfort basking in radiance of their feminine beauty. Trapped? My mind still wanders .When I can , I think about all the wonders and possibility's that life can offer. I feel trapped , tortured and stifled by this insidious disease. There is not much living going on as it is . This is just too much discomfort most of the time. The fact that the disease can kill or completely debilitate me at any time weighs heavy on my mind. This is what I just experienced prior to writing this morning . O300 PDT . Nausea and pain wake me. I stand up and sway because of the ill feeling that overcomes me.I can sense the toxins from the tumours in my body coursing through my system. I feel nauseous. I sense the life force exiting my body. Something is prodding me to move. I stand . I take a few steps then hold myself up against the wall. I take a few more steps and then sit. I force myself to stand again , I wait for a moment ,standing , close to soft surfaces. If I keel over I do not want to land on something hard. The phone is in my hand. This is a false sense of security . If I keel over now , I probably will not be able to dial the phone anyways , and there is little that anyone can do. It does make me feel less alone though. I walk slowly around my apt. , testing my body. I concentrate on mentally overcoming the symptoms that I am experiencing and try to stay upright. I keep moving and get angry with the cancer. This spurs me on in a physical sense. I play some music and have put pictures up on the walls to soothe the soul. Pictures of nature, scenery and artful reproductions of nudes help me mentally put myself ’Into the positive”. After a few hours of moving around and mentally fighting the symptoms I have some relative lucid comfort . Then the fatigue lays me back down , but I am more comfortable than I was as compared to when I first got out of bed. Unfortunately when I go to get up after I lay down for awhile I will have to go through the whole process again. Although I am never sure if I am going to wake up. Other than some pain medication my mind is the only tool that I can use to overcome the effects of the cancers. The more that the cancers assault my body ,the harder I try to mentally stimulate myself. The extensive stage small cell lung cancer is debilitating and painful as it is . The cancer has spread into my lymphatic system. The cancer now has a whole new set of weapons to attack my body. It has been a long haul. I am still waiting to try to put everything together so that I can try some alternative therapy. Resources are just not there and the supplements that I can afford are just coming to slow . Still “stroking” the best that I can. Some people that I know are still asking me to write about my experiences and opinions. Dealing with dying and trying to stay alive for awhile longer takes up all that I can muster. I just do not have the steam . I will try though. Maybe Tomorrow. The Song Of The Day Is : Ravel’s “Bolero” As performed by The Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra

Remembrance Day

Nov. 10/ 10 The cancer: My hopes were up a little. Today I was disappointed I was hoping that the radiation treatment would give me some “normal time”. For awhile the symptoms were abating. Now they seem to be returning. It has been 3 weeks 2 days since my last radiation treatment. I was told that the full benefits would be felt after 4 weeks. I have a very aggressive form of cancer. My last brush with death started out with twinges of pain and extreme fatigue. Within a few days I was in constant bone crushing pain , barley able to swallow or breath and unable to lie down or eat much. I managed to fight all of this for over 50 days. Made the trip to Vancouver Canada and had 5 sessions of radiation. (the tumours in my lung can not be radiated again),, All the time hanging on to this world by the tips of my fingers. The radiation therapy for the lung is no longer an option. Even if it was I could not withstand going through that again. I pray that the symptoms are from something else and not the cancer , but I do not think that that is the case. Nov. 11 /10 It has now been “Remembrance Day” for 21 minutes. I ‘ll put all my problems aside and reflect upon those that have suffered and those that continue to do so. Sometimes I do envy those that died quickly. I will say a prayer. The Song Of The Day Is : “Lay Down” by Melanie

TO CLOSE

Great-West Life - Vancouver Group Office
#1500 - 1177 West Hastings St.
Vancouver, BC V6E 3Y9
Phone: (604) 331-2463
Fax: (604) 688-9762 to release some of my death benefits. My Name Address Banking Info etc. is displayed along with the blog. Recently there has been 2 people in this country that have been caught trying to scam people for money under the pretense of having cancer. These people did receive thousands of dollars . This is a bad act . What gets me however is that I have been suffering with terminal cancer (diagnosed Oct . 2008) .and have had many near death experiences an am constantly suffering. I was 4 hours short of receiving sick benefits from my union and employer. Subsequently Canada Pension Plan gives me $625 a MONTH. When the blog appears an “ about me” column. My address , banking info. etc appears within. Now , almost! jokingly I ask is anyone could deposit or send 10 bucks. This has been there for almost 2 years now. What get’s me is the “scammers” receive thousands of dollars in a brief period of time . I have been putting my heart and soul out there regarding what it is like to be dying from a very insidious type of incurable Cancer , and no one has yet to see fit to help out in what is an obviously dire financial situation. Not even 5 bucks.(some loot would alleviate the financial stress) In am laughing while I am writing this. Just like politics and business , it seems that the ones that succeed are the ones that are the most dishonest. I am not complaining , I just find the situation laughable. The purpose of this blog was to document the dying experience and to give a bit of insight to those whom have to deal with a terminally ill person. The blog has also given me an outlet to express my self and unload my frustrations and fears . So actually anyone that has taken the time to read it has already given me something more than money. Because of the blog there was also a Paiute healing ceremony performed in my honor. The fact that Bob and Barbara Mora did this for I am sure has helped extend my life and has left humbled and eternally grateful. All the same I would be grateful for even 5 bucks being sent , just 5 lousy bucks for the tears and soul searching . The Song Of The Day Is : To Close/On my Way To Heaven” by “Mavis Staples”

Nov. 10 / 10 Am I going to be alive for Christmas? The cancer; I am clicking my heals now, The cancer will kill me soon however while I write this I can feel that the radiation therapy has had some effect. The pain has subsided to the degree where I am now taking only 15 mg of oxycodone rather than the 90++++ mg that was recommended that I take daily. I am able to swallow. I am starting to be able to eat more (miss women) and have stared to be able to take the supplements that I do have. Although I am lacking many that I require. I am able to walk and do some stretches . I am extremely fatigued but I can push along. I feel as if I have a bad flu , but I do not . The symptoms are caused by the toxins produced by the active tumours in my body. Even with the fatigue and severe flu like symptoms I am in heaven compared to how I have felt for the last 60 days. For over two years now when I only experience severe flu like symptoms and extreme fatigue , I consider that to be a very GOOD day. There is no life prolonging therapy available for me now.  I may be semi pain free and mobile for a few days ? , ,weeks of a few months . The prognosis at this stage remains “extremely grim” . I am going to savour every brief moment that the cancer loosens it’s poisonous claws. I meet healthy people and observe them getting upset about mundane day to day stuff that can be fixed with time and some work , or hear them complaining about pain. I am sorry , but I feel that they are behaving like woosy spoiled children . I have done some research and am close to establishing a supplement protocol with the hopes of stopping the cancer from metastasizing further . It has taken over my right lung and has metastasized into my lymphatic system. I also have something terribly wrong in the area above my pubic bone and mid abdomen , but the cancer in my lung and lymphatic system takes precedence. Sooooo !!!!!!!! In order to for me continue fighting I need some loot. Energy permitting I will wrangle with My insurance Co . regarding my death benefits. I would like use some of the money from the benefits to try to stay alive a bit longer rather than bury the majority of the money in the ground. I would like to document how the alternative treatment goes . So anyone reading this is welcome to put pressure on

If I was a Dog?

Nov. 8 / 10 If I was a dog? Do not mistake and categorize what I am saying as a complaint. This is just the way things are . I hope that this might be helpful for anyone that deals with or knows a terminally ill person. Writing here also saves me from talking to the walls. Movement is as important as urgent doctors visits ,drugs and nourishment. A person cannot just lay and rot. The furniture is pushed up against the walls . I walk around in circles in my apt. to keep the blood moving and prevent blood clots from forming due to inactivity. I would like to walk outside ,but the weather for the most part has been inclement and I am afraid of “getting stuck” . ( “getting stuck” : I walk for awhile then suddenly I can not go any further). I am exhausted and feel like I am going to topple over, so I end up having to wait till my energy returns. This can present problems and can be embarrassing . So I walk around in circles in a small apt.) I have not been able to make it down to the beach for quite awhile now. “Getting stuck when the tide is coming in or just before an incoming storm (gale force winds here come frequently) could be a problem. The fresh air and sunshine would be nice though. Prior up until about 60 days ago , I was able to get outside for a walk otherwise It has well over a year now that I have been in this situation . The majority of my time is spent with four walls the cancer and me. A treadmill and/or company would be humane. I can’t help but think about The movie “Midnight Express” while I walk around in circles. I am grateful that I can still walk , and even walking in circles , although I feel a bit stupid , helps my body cope and improves my mood. The cancer requires constant attention. Again , diet is as important as chemotherapy , radiation therapy and doctors care. Want to kill a cancer patient quick ? Then put them in a institutional setting. Being without the foodstuffs and supplements for even a brief period of time and the body quickly starts to suffer. I t has been a long ,long time with these four walls ,the cancer and me. I imagine that many elderly people are left in this situation also. I can’t help but think, Gee if you had a dog , you would at least make sure that he had a full bowl of food and take him/her out for a walk once in awhile. Then there is the mental stimulus aspect that is required . The terminally ill person is not dead yet . For those moments that one can do something , gears have to be shifted quickly. Whatever is required , transport , materials for any project that is being undertaken has to be available as the moments that a terminally ill person has when thing can be done can be brief . I have found that peoples intentions are good , but unfortunately one cannot live of off intentions. Where I now stand . I just had painful and extremely uncomfortable near death experience that lasted for weeks . I’m not out of the woods yet. The pain has subsided since I had the radiation treatment. The respite may be brief. I and am going to die a painful horrible death very soon . I have learned to keep my spirits up throughout most of the direst of circumstances , but at times I get a little worn. For the most part I have been and will be dieing alone. I will be burying my own dead. My death will not be a good one , but I will die with some dignity. Maybe Today. The Song Of The Day Is : “Heart Of Gold” by Neil Young (5 bucks)

The Letters

Sun.Nov 7 / 10 0700 PDT I try to write personal final letters to a few people. I plan to leave these letters behind. To be opened after I die. I feel rushed and am afraid that I will not be able to convey what I am truly trying to say. I know that we all have a tendency to see ourselves in the light of our own intentions rather than as we truly are. I will be honest and sincere and hope that I am not blinded by that same light. I stumble upon a mental block . While writing these letters the reality that I will be dead soon , my frailty and the short duration of my existence all come forth front and center in my mind. I am sure that I will benefit and grow from writing these letters. I wonder if this is a good time to leaving this world ? I flinch when I hear all the jingoistic rhetoric being tossed around by various groups and countries. I feel for all those that are suffering as a result of other persons greed. I feel sorry for our planet and the life that it sustains as we continue to rape and pillage it. I was born in the 50’s. There has always been strife in this world . However I do feel fortunate to have lived and grown up in Canada during a period time in which we all enjoyed unprecedented personal freedoms. The period was not perfect but then nothing is. I feel sad that we have lost those freedoms , and continue to do so. I pray that I am wrong but I think that it will be a long time before they return. Maybe Tomorrow.    My bucket list remains without any check marks.

Here Comes The Night

NOV. 6 /10 Here comes the night . I am grateful for another one , but they are long. I can’t help but wonder if tonight is the night that the cancer will metastasize to my brain. All hell will quickly break loose then. I have had enough of hell already. I try not to dwell on it. I am in relative comfort. I only feel like the fatigue that a healthy person would feel if they had pneumonia or a severe flu. This much discomfort has become easy enough for me to endure and put aside . I am grateful that the symptoms are not more severe. I get sloppy sentimental during the night . God I miss women. Maybe Tomorrow (the movie “The Bucket List” is on tonight ,should I watch it? )

My Four Walls

Sat .Nov. 6 /10 0800 PDT The sky is overcast with breaks in the clouds. The clouds hang above the mountain on the mainland across the strait. In 17 minutes the sun will start to peek back at me from behind the mountains as I look out my window. As the sun rises it’s rays bounce around in the clouds filling any open voids with spectacular colour. Santan‘s “Samba Pa Ti” is playing. I let my mind drift to pleasurable places. Eye pleasing scenes such as the one outside my window. Comfortable electric places , like the ones hidden within the curves of a woman's body. I savour the moment as I plan on getting angry soon. Not a “bad” angry aimed at anyone or anything in particular. Women say that there is such a thing as a good cry. I can’t speak for other guy’s but maybe there is such a thing as a good angry. Regardless ,I plan on getting g angry just the same . 0930 PDT I have not taken any pain meds for over 9 hours now ( the dr’s have told me to take a double dose very 4 hours). My hospital style bed is in the middle of my living room. Most everything else in my living room and bedroom is positioned up against the walls. This gives me room to pace. I have to admit that the pain and choking has subsided somewhat since the last sessions of radiation therapy. I can also eat better now. Nowhere near normal ,but better. So I get angry and push myself to stretch , do some light exercises and walk a circuit within my four walls. I imagine that to someone outside looking in , that I must look like an idiot. I don’t give a dam as long as I can keep my body moving for awhile. I think to myself how dare this disease do this to me. I am getting my dander up to see if I can battle this disease some more. There is no “modern” therapy other than a possibility of experimental chemotherapy (some radiation for the lump under my arm , this would be for pain control) I do not think that my body can withstand anymore chemo. I have decided to try alternative therapies. Immune enhancing supplement’s and oleander extract. I have no idea how I am going put it all together , but some how ,if I can keep breathing and moving I will. I am also considering whether or not to be totally honest regarding the severity of the cancer and conveying the distinct possibility that I will be dead very soon , with the few people that I do see. I have to be realistic and realize that I am pretty well on my own. I am not looking for sympathy , nor am I dead yet. While I am still breathing I plan on doing whatever “livin” that I can. I am not an invalid!!!! Well , it has been over 10 hours now since I have taken the pain meds . I’ll calm myself down . Try to go to my happy spot. Take the pain meds before the cancer digs it’s claws in any deeper. Maybe Tomorrow

Towards The End 2

Thurs. Nov 5 /10 O615 PDT. The Song Of The Day Is: “A Whiter Shade Of Pale” by Procol Harum . The cancer: How do you cope , when your own body becomes your enemy ? One tumour is continuing to cut off my airway . It feels like some one is squeezing my airway , slowly tightening . I do not know when pressure will complete it’s task. Today? Within the next hour? Next week????? The cancer that has metastasized into my lymphatic system provides the pain. 7 months of chemotherapy , 5 more sessions of radiation treatment and a steady diet of narcotics (for all of which I am grateful). is what I went through for pain control .I recall when I could take an “asprin“. Pain control is the only help now that “modern medicine” can or will provide. How does one cope. I cannot speak for anyone else. I can only convey what works for myself and my four walls. First I had to accept the reality of my situation. I realized that I am not long for this world (unfortunately , the cancer has now progressed to the stage that makes me wonder, “is today going to be my last day”?) This does not mean that I have given “up the fight”. But, I have to accept the reality that my prognosis was and is grim (read the copy of the oncologists letter dated Dec . 5 / 2008 , life expectancy at the time was 6 to 8 months , which I scanned but do not know how to insert yet) before I can realistically keep on. . I had to learn to periodically disassociate myself from my body. Otherwise , the discomfort inflicted by the disease completely overwhelms , takes over , and leaves me no time to try to do some living during what time is left. I know that this sounds odd, but it can be done , ,it has to be done. Diet , and supplements , these are as important , as necessary as radiation therapy , chemotherapy and doctors . Want to die really quick when you have cancer? Then get admitted into the hospital. The diet ; most terminally ill people cannot survive on cafeteria style food that is provided by a profit orientated private company that provides heavily processed food , nor does the 3 meal a day program work. The “Henry Ford” assembly line health care that is administered to a terminally ill person will , kill you quick. Health care has been influenced more by drug companies (whose only concern is profit), and systems management types that are willing to spend recklessly on administration , while skimping on wages and salaries of doctors ,nurses , technicians ,house keeping , farming out food services and not providing the equipment and beds that these people require to provide the excellent care that they are capable of providing. Most doctors , nurses and technicians provide stellar care when you consider the limitations of system that they must work within. I know of what I talk about . I was in palliative care a year ago last Christmas . Had I stayed , limited my use of pain meds and not pushed myself to keep moving , I would have been dead long ago. Gee! another rant. Keeping moving helps immensely. Squeeze a tennis ball . Move the body around when you can’t get out of bed , walk, stretch, have sex , pace , anything !!! , just move as much as possible.Prayer ? I’m not religious , but I still pray , there is power in prayer. Find something to look forward to each day. Again anything at anytime that one is capable. When depression and pain debilitate , I just keep trying to find and do something positive and of interest. For the most part , I have four walls , myself and the cancer for company . For myself , this silly blog (which probably rarely if ever gets reads) , the concentration that it takes to write these thoughts down I am sure , has at times , prevented me from “going off the deep end” and has helped me tolerate the pain .I am aware that the doctors and nurses say not to wait till the pain sets in before taking pain medications and recommend that depression should also be treated with drugs. I may have taken not taking pain meds too far at times . I’ve been curled up in a foetal position , bawling my eyes out from the pain and mentally gone into the depths of despair before. But I still firmly believe that the fact that I stayed away from and still limit the pain medications has helped me extend my life for this long. Other than an occasional 1 mg of antivan , I refuse to take any drugs that “mess with the mind” . Hell , I am dying from a insidious , incurable disease, some pain and depression is to be expected . All medications have detrimental and sometimes deadly side effects. I find that sacrificing medicated comfort in exchange for those occasional non-medicated moments of comfort and lucidity are a fair trade. ( I have to admit however , when the pain reaches it’s full force crescendo for extended periods of time , that I am not only willing to take the pain medication , but would be willing to lose the use of my legs if the pain would just stop)I also surround myself music that I enjoy , eye pleasing pictures and art. Soothing the soul is as important as nourishment for the body. ANGRRR ! Is another coping mechanism , not aimed at anything or anyone in particular. It works , I have used anger when I can barely move to get up and get moving , the movement , in turn releases the anger and usually , does nothing but good for body and soul. The sea , the wind and the sky. For myself I draw strength from the natural beauty that surrounds me. At the stage that my disease is at I know that I could lay down and die within a few days or within a few weeks at the most. The extent of the cancer in my body , the fact that it has metastasized from my lung into my lymphatic system as well as being a very aggressive form of cancer , I might just die within a few days or weeks regardless of my coping mechanisms. I am at times scared . I have had an interesting life and am grateful for the life that I have and had. But I’m not dead yet and will continue to find some joy and lessons from the life that was given to me. Maybe Tomorrow.