"PALLIATIVE"

Nov: 15 / 10 1930 PDT I keep track of the pain control medications that I take and when I take them. The hospital provides me with pre-printed sheets with blank spaces . I just put a tick mark in the appropriate place. The doctors and nurses can then see at a glance how much medication I am taking and when. I plan my meals and activities accordingly. A nurse that drops by twice a week. Today she dropped off some blank sheets. In big bold letters at the top of each sheet it reads , “PALLIATIVE CARE HOME MEDICATION RECORD“. The word “PALLIATIVE” glares back at me and stings . The fact that I can spell "metastasize" at the drop of the hat also bothers me. These insignificant details remind me that I will be dead soon. When I put my “happy face” on and concentrate on every word that I say I can fool most people. I can pass myself off as a healthy person. Hell, some women even flirt. If someone spends more than a few minutes with me and is somewhat astute it becomes apparent that I m clinging. Clinging to life and trying to function amongst the living. It takes hours of mental and physical preparation before I can slip into my “happy face”. My grip on relative happiness is weak and can be easily loosened. Sometimes I wonder why I put the effort into trying to make other people comfortable ,but I know that I will continue to do so. . The Cancer: I have been experiencing severe dental pain. I managed to get in for a check up and consultation with a dentist. Apparently chemotherapy and radiation therapy deprive the saliva from it’s ability to help protect the enamel on teeth. Especially at the gum line where roots can become somewhat exposed (something like that anyways). I guess I brush to often also. There is a solution but just like the alternative therapies I can ill afford to do either. The unfortunate result of this is all the effort that I put into reducing the pain medication is all for naught as I now must increase the pain meds. Also with the addition cancer (lymphatic) my research tells me that my body will not fight the cancer while it is fighting any type of dental infection. Problems with dental health can be life threatening which in this case it is yet is not covered under our health care plan. Sometimes I feel like I am at the end of my rope as almost each day brings another discomfort. I try to be grateful for each new day but pain makes it difficult . I do not want to slide into a narcotic stupor. I will however continue on the best that I can. Maybe Tomorrow if God gives me another day.