Hats Off To Those That Care

Nov 13 /10 The relationships between people who are fighting to live while dying of cancer , and people that care for and/or are trying to help the dying person can be , confusing and frustrating for both parties. Dealing with someone that is dying I am sure is trying and depressing. The conversation inevitably ends up in a discussion about the cancer and “the symptom’s”. This I am sure is depressing for the healthy person as it is redundant, depressing and tiring for the person dying. Sometimes I avoid all contact with anyone else . I simply don’t have the strength to describe the dire situation again. After speaking with numerous people , I would become totally depressed and emotionally exhausted. I noticed that each time I spoke with someone that the conversation was the same. I would repeat what I had just discussed ( sometimes within minutes of just having discussed it) or I would spend weeks totally alone wishing for someone to talk to. Conveying the symptoms , the grim prognosis while they would say things , “well you never know” , “maybe there will be a miracle” , “gee your dying differently than the way that Joe died” accompanied with all sorts of suggestions and questions relating to cancer but “unresearched“. I feel like each time that I speak that I have to educate each person from the beginning , about the cancer , what my specific symptoms are ,etc. , etc., etc.. I am frustrated from having to relive the horror over and over but so dam grateful that someone cares enough to ask. What a “catch 22 that is”. There are times I am grateful that I can just unload everything , there are times when talking about the cancer is pure torture. So I totally sympathize with the frustration that the “healthy people” must experience when dealing with the ever changing situation. I live by the hour , I do not know what the next hour is going to bring. I have been living by the hour for months now . The time has been laced with near death experiences for a long , long time . It is also frustrating from the “inside looking out“. A person dieing from cancer works unimaginably hard to get a few “good hours”. The time left is short!! , and mainly full of suffering. It seems like people are waiting and observing . Watching and waiting for what life is left being drained away. It is nice to know that people care. Again , a person dieing from cancer works unimaginably hard to get a few “good hours”. . It is time to pull out all the stops and get as much living as one can during those few hours. What would you do if you knew you were going to be dead soon and only had a few relatively good hours at a time. Would you want to spend them commiserating ?, or fighting the cancer and living as much as you could? Until the spade breaks ground there is still living to do. There is little energy to comfort and appease other people. I can’t help but think , either share the experiences and help a person enjoy what time is left or ???????. Maybe Tomorrow ? Nov. 14 /10 0530 PDT It will be one month this coming Tuesday since my last radiation treatment. This is supposed to be when the side effects subside and I feel the benefits if any . Uh! Oh! The Extensive Stage Small Cell Lung Cancer was enough to deal with. The cancer is now in my lymphatic system. This is the devil that causes me the most pain. Although it is probably the cancer in my lung that is going to kill me. I am better now than I was pre radiation (not to hard to beat) but not as good as I was a couple of days ago. I can feel the “twinges” caused by the cancer coursing through my lymphatic system. The sharp , stabbing ,burning pains that inexplicably come and go in addition to what I was already experiencing. I know from experience that these pains are precursors to the “medieval torturous” type of pain that the cancer has in store for me. I can now sense the cancer growing in my lymphatic system in my chest. I hope that I am wrong , but it seems that things are getting worse right at the time when I should be feeling the benefits of the radiation therapy. The therapy provided relief in the areas where it was administered . Unfortunately the cancer must have already metastasized beyond the areas where the radiation was administered. For those that wonder about having cancer and what symptoms to look for. I now know of a symptom (actually it is more of a gesture) that the body and mind experience that should have a person going to see their doctor and INSISTING that test be done. First of all you will have a strong sense that something is wrong . You can’t quite put your finger on it , but all the same you know something is badly wrong. I understand that this is so vague that you will feel foolish going to a doctor just because you sense that something is wrong. Early detection is key to surviving cancer. So , like NIKE says “just Do It’ and be insistent till the sense of foreboding is either relieved or no longer there. The gesture that I am speaking of that I can now confirm IS: I recall before I was diagnosed that I would constantly be reaching for and touching my body at the spot where the cancer was growing. There was no real pain but I can remember constantly reaching for and touching the part of my body on the outside , where the tumour was growing inside. Now that I know that the cancer has metastasized into my lymphatic system I can confirm that this gesture can help in the diagnosis. I have noticed (and have witnesses) that I was reaching for and rubbing the areas where the cancer has now metastasized to. I am sure that the body is sensing (although in the beginning there is no pain or discomfort in the area) that something is terribly wrong in that area and is telling you so. I was not insistent and am now paying for it by dieing a very ugly death. While I make my peace with the world I will try to enjoy what life is left and will keep fighting till my last breath . As I get closer to death , there are unexplainable experiences that can only be attributed to existence of a spiritual world. I am not religious in an organized sense. I have not let myself become overly fearful or so desperate that I will try to read something into an experience that is not there. The experiences are simple and undeniable. More Later!!!!! I am exhausted.