Trapped?

Nov.12 /10 Trapped ? Simply existing today is a major task. If I pneumonia and a bad flu I would be feeling better than I now do as a a consequence of the cancers. My hair has grown back and if I put a on my face I can still pass as a healthy person.Little can they comprehend the “boiling cauldron” seething inside of me. People are social and women still flirt. The cancer overwhelms me from the inside and I find that being social , especially with members of the same sex can be draining. In the presence of women , I still find comfort basking in radiance of their feminine beauty. Trapped? My mind still wanders .When I can , I think about all the wonders and possibility's that life can offer. I feel trapped , tortured and stifled by this insidious disease. There is not much living going on as it is . This is just too much discomfort most of the time. The fact that the disease can kill or completely debilitate me at any time weighs heavy on my mind. This is what I just experienced prior to writing this morning . O300 PDT . Nausea and pain wake me. I stand up and sway because of the ill feeling that overcomes me.I can sense the toxins from the tumours in my body coursing through my system. I feel nauseous. I sense the life force exiting my body. Something is prodding me to move. I stand . I take a few steps then hold myself up against the wall. I take a few more steps and then sit. I force myself to stand again , I wait for a moment ,standing , close to soft surfaces. If I keel over I do not want to land on something hard. The phone is in my hand. This is a false sense of security . If I keel over now , I probably will not be able to dial the phone anyways , and there is little that anyone can do. It does make me feel less alone though. I walk slowly around my apt. , testing my body. I concentrate on mentally overcoming the symptoms that I am experiencing and try to stay upright. I keep moving and get angry with the cancer. This spurs me on in a physical sense. I play some music and have put pictures up on the walls to soothe the soul. Pictures of nature, scenery and artful reproductions of nudes help me mentally put myself ’Into the positive”. After a few hours of moving around and mentally fighting the symptoms I have some relative lucid comfort . Then the fatigue lays me back down , but I am more comfortable than I was as compared to when I first got out of bed. Unfortunately when I go to get up after I lay down for awhile I will have to go through the whole process again. Although I am never sure if I am going to wake up. Other than some pain medication my mind is the only tool that I can use to overcome the effects of the cancers. The more that the cancers assault my body ,the harder I try to mentally stimulate myself. The extensive stage small cell lung cancer is debilitating and painful as it is . The cancer has spread into my lymphatic system. The cancer now has a whole new set of weapons to attack my body. It has been a long haul. I am still waiting to try to put everything together so that I can try some alternative therapy. Resources are just not there and the supplements that I can afford are just coming to slow . Still “stroking” the best that I can. Some people that I know are still asking me to write about my experiences and opinions. Dealing with dying and trying to stay alive for awhile longer takes up all that I can muster. I just do not have the steam . I will try though. Maybe Tomorrow. The Song Of The Day Is : Ravel’s “Bolero” As performed by The Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra