My Four Walls

Sat .Nov. 6 /10 0800 PDT The sky is overcast with breaks in the clouds. The clouds hang above the mountain on the mainland across the strait. In 17 minutes the sun will start to peek back at me from behind the mountains as I look out my window. As the sun rises it’s rays bounce around in the clouds filling any open voids with spectacular colour. Santan‘s “Samba Pa Ti” is playing. I let my mind drift to pleasurable places. Eye pleasing scenes such as the one outside my window. Comfortable electric places , like the ones hidden within the curves of a woman's body. I savour the moment as I plan on getting angry soon. Not a “bad” angry aimed at anyone or anything in particular. Women say that there is such a thing as a good cry. I can’t speak for other guy’s but maybe there is such a thing as a good angry. Regardless ,I plan on getting g angry just the same . 0930 PDT I have not taken any pain meds for over 9 hours now ( the dr’s have told me to take a double dose very 4 hours). My hospital style bed is in the middle of my living room. Most everything else in my living room and bedroom is positioned up against the walls. This gives me room to pace. I have to admit that the pain and choking has subsided somewhat since the last sessions of radiation therapy. I can also eat better now. Nowhere near normal ,but better. So I get angry and push myself to stretch , do some light exercises and walk a circuit within my four walls. I imagine that to someone outside looking in , that I must look like an idiot. I don’t give a dam as long as I can keep my body moving for awhile. I think to myself how dare this disease do this to me. I am getting my dander up to see if I can battle this disease some more. There is no “modern” therapy other than a possibility of experimental chemotherapy (some radiation for the lump under my arm , this would be for pain control) I do not think that my body can withstand anymore chemo. I have decided to try alternative therapies. Immune enhancing supplement’s and oleander extract. I have no idea how I am going put it all together , but some how ,if I can keep breathing and moving I will. I am also considering whether or not to be totally honest regarding the severity of the cancer and conveying the distinct possibility that I will be dead very soon , with the few people that I do see. I have to be realistic and realize that I am pretty well on my own. I am not looking for sympathy , nor am I dead yet. While I am still breathing I plan on doing whatever “livin” that I can. I am not an invalid!!!! Well , it has been over 10 hours now since I have taken the pain meds . I’ll calm myself down . Try to go to my happy spot. Take the pain meds before the cancer digs it’s claws in any deeper. Maybe Tomorrow