Nov. 21 /10 0320 PST The Song Of The Day Is : “ He Ain’t Heavy” by the Hollies. The Cancer: I am exhausted. There is no sense in trying to sleep. I am just too uncomfortable . There is no way that I can lay still , it is just too uncomfortable. Neuropathic pains stab me under my arms , in my abdomen , a headache , dental pain , flu like symptoms and nausea keep me awake. This is the cocktail of discomfort that God has planned for me so far !, today. I have started to experience chest pains. I am sure that all the drugs , the cancer treatments and going through times when I have not been able to sleep for 50 or more days strait while clinging to life , has taken a toll on my heart. There are times when dying from a heart attack might be a blessing . I refuse to "go there". I do not know which way things will go today. It is early , 0320 ! . The symptoms could get a lot worse , as they have for a good many days in the past. I will however “try to work through it” as I have for a good many days in the past. Things could get better. I’ll put some music on (mandatory) ., walk around my apt. , try stretching and try to keep moving and occupy my mind . Thinking about everything from spirituality , to death , to happy times and deliciously lewd women. If I keep pushing I might be graced with a couple of good hours today. Any day could also be my last!! I try to put that thought out of my mind . I just glanced at the TV. The three stooges are on. I wonder if my brother remembers splitting my head open while we , and my mother were visiting one of her friends. My brother , and myself were playing near a huge hole on a vacant lot. My brother had picked up a football size clump of rock and mud . The piles of dirt that surrounded the hole that we were exploring was strewn with an abundance of these clumps. He raised this clump of rock and dirt above his head . He then smashed it down on the top of my head. I turned and looked at him. His eyes were widened with terror as I felt the warm blood streaming down my face. I really did not feel that much pain , the look in his eyes terrified me. I began to cry. My head gushing blood , he rushed me back to the house where my mother was visiting her friend. Why three stooges are relevant in this trip down memory lane ? All sibling rivalries aside . I loved my older brother , most of the time , and most of the time idolized him , as younger siblings usually do , especially brothers . I was frightened by all the blood , but I was more concerned about his fate when he rushed a blood soaked “me” into the kitchen where my mother and her friend were socializing. Even though I was totally innocent , there was trouble afoot . I could not help but feel that I was not totally in the clear of a severe reprimand either. Even at that tender age , I had discovered that keeping my mouths shut ,nodding my head in agreement , while my older brother did the explaining was the best tactic that I had if not to totally avoid punishment , at least lessen it’s severity. We had just been watching the three stooges prior to going out to play . Prior to , what my brother was now claiming to be, a completely innocent smashing and splitting of my scalp. He tried to avoid my mothers wrath by telling her that we had just watched Moe (from the “ three stooges’ )do exactly the same thing that he had just done to me to Larry . Larry did not sustain any visible injuries. He surmised that I should have not sustained any serious injury also. This whole incident was the fault of the untruthful depiction of what would happen if one was to smash someone else in the head with huge clump of mud and rock.I nodded in agreement while he claimed his innocence. It was clearly the fault of the TV and those lying “three stooges”. I nodded enthusiastically in agreement. For some strange reason my mother did not completely buy the explanation. The reprimand did not last too long. Being immigrants sons , full of borscht and picked herrings , even as children we did not quite know where we fit in within Canadian society. There were times when there was no one else for me to count on other than my older brother. Sibling rivalries had to be out aside and we would look out for each other the best that we could. Again: The Song Of The Day Is “ “He Ain’t Heavy” , he’s my brother. By “The Hollies” Give it a listen , it is a pretty song. A little trip down memory lane helps me overcome the symptoms from my cancers for awhile. Maybe tomorrow
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