If You Knew?

Nov.4 /10 The Song Of The Day Is : “I Know A Place” by The Staple Singers. If you new that you were going to die soon , what would you do? If you are relatively healthy the answer might be “anything that I want to do”. The proverbial “bucket list“ ,comes to mind . Getting even with anyone that has wronged you without fear of consequence is also considered Immersing oneself in narcissistic delights is also pondered. I recall the advice of one oncologist , “ if you plan on doing anything , do it now !” ,”don’t put anything off”. Shortly after I was first diagnosed with incurable cancer I did have a “no holds barred” approach as to how I was going to spend my last days. This attitude does not last long. The physical and mental demands one must endure from the cancer and therapies leaves one’s self just trying to get through each day. The cancer and the therapies make sure of that. I believe that the body sends signals to the mind ,“hey something is terribly wrong here “. A foreboding of death , and sense of urgency starts to envelope one’s self. The things that “everyday people” strive for become unimportant. The things that people stress out over , seem mundane , childish and self centered. I have found that rather than becoming narcissistic , one tends to try to become more morally responsible and spiritually curious. Material possessions (other than those that can bring physical and mental relief) matter little . The comfort of other people also becomes a concern. I cannot speak for anyone else , but this is the way that this dieing experience is affecting me. During the last 40 or 50 days and during my visit to the cancer clinic I have been as close to death as one can be without dieing. There were times when I was living “by the breath” . I would be sitting or laying down wondering if my next breath was coming. My appearance does not reflect how ill I really am . The health care professionals that visit are aware of the seriousness illness and the immediacy of the things that I require in order to maintain myself , not in comfort but rather to ease the discomfort. They also comprehend my fear of exposed to any flu’s or colds that are going around . I am suffering enough as it is, catching a cold or flu now would kill me quickly. I never have and still cannot understand why people either cannot comprehend how colds and flu’s are spread or they just do not give a dam about making some one else ill.(especially rabid non-smokers that will go to work while they are sick) Having contact with the terminally ill requires that you are aware of where you have been and what germs you might be carrying . Hand washing before you touch the person or anything that they might touch is only common sense , if your sick ,stay away. Hey! There’s a rant!! As I have mentioned before , no one that is terminally ill expects the world to stop for them but in the back of a terminally ill persons mind one wishes that it might just slow down a little. I am still hoping that the radiation therapy that I received will alleviate the effects of the cancer on my body sufficiently enough for me to forget about the symptoms long enough for me to concentrate and write about other aspects of this “dieing experience” other than the physical suffering. There is so much more to it. I am trying my “damdest” to put the physical aside . It is not easy. I know that if I get any comfort that it won’t last long. I cannot see getting any closer to death than I was just prior to my last session of radiation therapy and for a period there after. I am far from out of woods and never will be . I do hope to find a trail at least for a brief period so that I can stop grasping for life and stumbling through each day. Maybe Tomorrow