Backyard

Stellar Sea Lion in the backyard

Baby Stellar Sea Lion (near contemplatin log)

Mon. Aug. 31/09 0505 This day is a bit of a milestone . I like many Canadians I cherish my summers and all the memories of summers gone by . I , like most people in Canada try to pack as much living as possible into my summers , lots of travel , loves , socializing and new experiences . Today is considered the last day of summer by most Canadians, For myself this is the last day of the last summer that I will ever see and plan to wax nostalgic all day long. As far as the cancer goes , I am sure it is doing quite well as I am not , a whole new set of pains woke me up this morning . Back to the cancer clinic tomorrow , but they have already said that there is not much sense in any more treatment , I guess they just want to practice what someone would call “due diligence” and comply with their protocols but as far as I am concerned if they have made up their minds that any more chemotherapy or radiation is not going to prolong or increase the quality of my life they could have just shook my hand and said goodbye months ago. For now I am going to try to enjoy the last day of the last summer of my life. I wish some one would send enough loot so that I could do a line off some sweet woman’s ass . The song for the day , again is “the weight” by the Band , it was going to be Taking Care of Bussiness by Randy the uke ,but the song although good has been overplayed ,good for Mr. Bachman , bad for the ears . Radio stations can sure ruin a lot of fond memories with play lists , not to mention advertising , the artist being the one responsible for the latter, Mr. Young being the only exception that I know about . Mr Young being the only artist from that era with that stature that” kept the faith “so to speak . The discomfort from Cancer is 24/7 . It never f--------- lets up . One thing that I am thankful for is that there are not any young ones at the cancer clinic as they have their own hospital . I know first hand what they are going through . I can almost get a handle on my pain and discomfort but I don’t think I could handle seeing the young ones suffering in the same way. They are exceptional.

Another sunrise (ye ha) Aug. 30/09

Sun. Aug.30 /09 0515 Trying to mentally prepare myself to die alone , I knew over 10 years ago that this was going to be the way I was going to die and 7 years ago I told M when I would die. I have already been admitted to the palliative care ward once and managed to walk out and within a few months I was sitting on a beach , I don’t think that I will be so lucky this time . Shit I was putting on muscle and weight ( the Weight by the Band now there is the song of the day) , getting tanned before the days started getting shorter and the pain got more intense , but hell I am going to still keep pushing. I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to be around , I imagine I remind them of their own mortality and I know that at times when I was spending time around people dying sometimes there was great insight sometimes I just wanted to get away. Cancer, what an insidious disease , on the outside I do not look ill and have actually been told by some women that they found me attractive (god ,that is sweet nectar dripping on the ego of ones soul), the downside of this is trying to let the people that should know that dieing time is near and I am suffering to the point where living at times is to painful and a burden. The bright side is mornings are better times than the rest of the day , I wish I had enough energy get into trouble.

Sat. Aug.29/09 I actually miss going to work sometimes , the camaraderie , the challenge ,the feeling of being productive . However the person who came up with the saying that”hard work never hurt anyone “ is totally wrong. I am an example of that and I could introduce that same person to the widows ,widowers ,orphaned sons and daughters and a myrad of people suffering and dying due to hard work .Just like Orwells “animal farm”(the horse that keeps his head to the plough saying “I will try harder“) whoever came up with that saying was either extremely naive or not getting up everyday and putting their life on the line daily to keep the GNP rising.

Aug. 15 and 16th

Aug.18/09 Gratefull for another day

I am not very computer savvy nor do I really care about how this is set up as long as everything is there , but I will try to set things up properly as I go. Ah depression , every second ticks by like an hour as you spiral down into the empty hole with the big black dog nipping at your heels , no end in sight. Gotta get into the positive . 1440 I went out to Contemplation log and I could hear the sea lions fucking , the sound carries well across the water and boy are they loud and enthusiastic . If reincarnation is a valid truth then coming back as a horny sea lion might not be bad . Picked up a copy of Nietzsche’s Thus Spake Zarathustra , gonna go read it now , see if he got it anywhere near right . It seems that everything we do in life we do to be accepted .The hardest person to convince to accept us is ourselves . Went to a funeral home today to get prices . prices for dirt , prices to be burnt . Getting burt up seems to be the least expensive . I woud like to get all my arrangements made ahead of time so that W and family and or M won’t have to go through the hassle when I die. If I had the loot I must admitt that I would have a big swaray for the people attending . Wed. Aug. 19/09 When a person is depressed the hours go by like months and when one is having fun the hours feel like seconds. I am at 50 degrees N , the days are getting shorter quickly now . We are all explorers , inward or outward we all long for what is beyond the bounderies but are also afraid of what is out there . Tues. Aug. 25/09 My walk along the beach revealed another dead baby sea lion. I was told that the mother abandons her first born as her first pregnancy is a practice run. Everyone that I mention this to shows genuine sadness when I mention this to them . What confuses me is that these same people will walk by and turn their noses up at peoples sons and daughters dying in our streets . These people have been abandoned by family, society and gov,t’s . I have never been able to understand this hypocricy. I have not been able to write for a few days . Had to go to the big city (Vancouver ) to chase money for my beneficiaries . Two days chasiing drains me so much that it takes another two days to recover enough energy to do anything. I have only been up for 3 1/2 hr’s and am so fatigued due to the cancer that I can barely hold my head up. Have to write a quick letter of thanks to the advocate proceeding on a wcb case (if successful I won’t be alive to enjoy any monies forthcoming) then I need some rest .
Tues. Aug .25/09 Rest is hard to come by , when a cancer victim closes his or her eyes and drift off it is not always restful but just a transfer to another state , this can go on for days or weeks until finally a bit of rejuvenating rest kicks in. Cancer patients are always performing while dragging a big ball and chain , sometimes the ball gets lighter and sometimes it gets impossibly heavy , it is always there. During one of my periods of drifting off towards the other side I realized that the devil does exist although only on a small cellular scale and is quite easy to deal with , now the big guy , that is another matter and I think he might require more effort and attention to comprehend , I do believe that somehow he/she can help one experience joy and comfort. The human spirit always surprises me , although I will be dead soon and I feel far to young I am still grateful as I still feel that I have done a lot of living but alas living is like drugs , one never seems to get enough. Wed. Aug. 26/09 Senator Kennedy died today , now there is the end of a era. Tired ! Tired ! Tired ! Could not get out of bed till 1730 yesterday , went back to bed 1930 , what a way to spend your last days Thurs Aug 27/09 I wish I had the guts to just get it over with and die.. Ffri. Aug. 28/09 When push comes to shove , in north american society , a dollar is worth more than a persons life . Every second of every minute of every day of every week seems to eat away at ones soul as the cancer eats oneself from the inside . It gets harder and harder to keep putting on the smiley face . Today will be especially rough since I know that this is the last weekend of the last summer of my life . I will try to get into the positive , maybe concentrating on the good times from the past . More and more I realize how deep the connection is between physical well being and any degree of happiness. Loss of independence ,to me . Is a mogor contributer to deppression , I can understand how the populations of nations can rise up and put their lives on the line when they feel that their freedom is threatened . Not the so called Red capatlist freedom practised by the regime south of the 49th but freedom for the whole population , not just a the select few who keep the rest of the population poor ,tired and under their heel.

1630 I wish I had enough balls to commit suicide . The big black cloud just keeps rolling in . The days keep rolling by , can’t keep my commitments , might as well die. Sun. Aug. 16/09 M was right , money hassles cause depression just , on top of being in the process of dying , no none wants to part with a few shekels to make a dying persons life more comfortable . I dare any of the pseudo- bureaucrats or anyone else for that matter to spend a couple of days feeling what I have been feeling for at least the last 2 years or just spend a couple of days in my shoes and then say let him suffer , After a couple of days they would be curled up in a foetal position crying for their mamas tit. I guess if I just packed it in it would make everyone that I know financial life easier , it’s only a life . I’ll try once again to get into the positive . For gods sakes a person is on their last legs and knocking on heavens door and they still want you to jump through hoops . 0800 It is a beautiful day , I wanted to go out for a walk but I do not have the energy , so back to bed and feel the pain . I need to pull out of this state . Going for walks helps , just like the movie said “ get busy living or get busy dieing” . Mon. Aug. 17/07 0550 I only have 4 or 5 good hours a day , the rest of the time I am sleeping or feeling like a bag of shit . I would like to finish documenting some of my experiences , fill your average Joe in on some of the nefarious deed that are being committed in this country ( mainly by people and groups that they think are out to protect them) , expound some of my political views and share some poetry. A tall order since I am slow and only have a hour or two a day. 1025 Just spent the last few hours chasing $ “ hurry up and wait until your dead ’ seems to be the reply , the process is exhausting and my day is over unless I get a second wind. 1200 Having a body sometimes doesn’t seem worth it , to much suffering ,to much work. Back to sleep , well sort of sleep it can’t really be called that. Tues. Aug. 18/09 I had to write another heartfelt email , emotionally drained , I allways wonder how much of my fatiuge is due to the cancer and how much is due to deppression. Should tell another J.F. story.

Sat. Aug. 16/09 0540 Woke up in “the world iis fuckin me so fuck the world” mood this morning , but I know that I can pull out of that mood in short order (I hope). 0710 Low tide and the sunrise are occurring at almost the same time today ,that makes for a bit of a brighter morning. I went out on the spit to say my prayers and see how how close I could get to the sea lions in order to take some pictures , but they are a touch skittish , probably because they are birthing their young at this time. I only have a few months to live at best , the quality of life during this time will probably not be the best . I do not expect the world to stop just because I am dieing but one kinda wishes that it might slow down just a bit .

Sunrise and abandoned seal pup Aug15/09 (near contemplatin log)

c1630 I have put myself in a hospital setting in my own home , exersise , rest and mittfulls of supplements ,it is a lot of work , I am tired as hell but considering that I was supposed to die over a month ago Ithink I am doing well . Still have to make funeral arrangements. Fri. Aug. 15/09 0230 Once I get up and start thinking there is no going back to sleep , although I have been sleeping tons . So now I am awake ,tired as hell (the cancer make one tired all the time ,there are just varying degree’s), in pain and on the verge of sliding into a magor deppression , (for anyone reading this I am not whinning but documenting) I will get into the positive somehow . I can feel the main tumor in my chest , it reminds me of the movie “Alien “ , a foreign object developing and living inside you . 0345 Ah the J. F. story ( from Aug. 14/09 ) . Well Iam in a depressed state so I probably will not be as loquacious as I should be . If you could picture the events unfolding in the J.F. scene desribed Aug. 14/09 , in my mind that is a humorous situation. Johnny is trying to speed away from the state troopers in his $35 Cadillac , turn off I-16 and is speeding down a secondary road and directly up ahead is the small town of Dublin . Now Johnny being public safety conscious decides to slow down and pull over rather than risk harming the fine citizens of Dublin . Good thing for the black man that the cops concentrate on dragging poor Johnnys naked body and pummelling the shit out of Johnny giving him an opportunity to slip away to who knows where (I hope to someplace safe) . Johnny is cuffed .bloodied, blanketed , turned over to the local sheriff and brought before a justice of the peace in a private home ,the JP appears to be the sheriffs mother . Johny gets a hold of one of us by phone ,we wire him $200 (a lot of money in those days) , they take the money give him another beating and luckily send him on his way rather than kill him, Johnny is now a bit afraid of southern cops and rather than go on towards Florida he decides that he will go someplace safe and proceedes to head to Mexico to buy pot . A sound choice . As anyone can imagine Johnny gets into a predicimnt there also but that is another story . Back to what it is like to have cancer , oh joy . Conservatively it has now been more than 400 days of feeling shitty , the best days are like an extreme hangover while you have the flu and throw on some pain for good measure , the worst days are just plain wishing that you were dead and bordering on suicide. Ah then that will to live kicks in . I am sure that there are mental changes that occure that the medical proffesion is not aware of . The body must be preparing the mind to die , The vivid dreams , the memory remembers emotions that one feels during experiences rather than attachments to possessions , like when you bought your first house you remember your emotional attachment to your loved ones not the exitement of a new possession. As far as the cancer goes I am fading pretty quick.

Thurs. Aug. 13/09 Dizzy spells , I can feel where the tumour dwells , aw what the hell. So damm tired , I am confused as to how much of it stems from deppression and how much from the cancer . I wasn’t supposed to live past July 2nd , so I should be gratefull that I am still here . 0500 I should finish the J. F . story that I started Aug. 5/09 so go back to Aug. 5 if you want to read the story straight through. So , J. F. decides that he wants to cruise through Macon County Georgia . Now two things have developed while Johnny (J.F.) has been cruising towards Macon County , he has picked up a black hitchhiker , now remember this is a period of time in Americas proud history when blacks are considered non-persons , hell they have murdered M.L.K .jr and Detroit is still smouldering , Johnny has been doing acid and drinking beer since he left Detroit , the suspension on his $35 Cadillac is shot and so that every time he hit’s a bump or swerves around a corner the beer (Busch by the way , no perservateives) that he has between his legs while he is driving spils a bit on Johnnys crotch leaving a constant wet spot on Johnnys shorts . Well this irritates Johnny all ot hell so he decides to remedy this situation by taking off his shorts , now Johnny wasn’t wearing a shirt .So he is now driving his $35 dollar Cadillac that has Michigan plates , naked with a can of beer between his legs , a black man beside him , his proud Jewish profile framed by the drivers side window and heading right towards Macon County during the height of the American cvil rights movement. He has turned off of I-95 onto I-16 , Statesboro is just to the north and he is just east of Dublin Ga. , bouncing down I-16 high on acid , naked , a beer between his legs with a black gentleman sitting in the passenger seat and a state police cruiser approaching him from the opposite direction and it is early morning so the cops really don’t have much to do . Well the cops see this Michigan clunker coming towards them and do a dukes of hazard 360 throught the berm dividing east and westbound lanes and fire up the siren and lights and procede to try to get Johnny to pull over . Johnny decides with his infinite wisdom to try to outrun the Georgia State troopers , pushes the accelorator of the $35 Michigan hot rod to the floor sloshing beer all over his crotch , his travel wearied drug and alchohol induced mind telling him that he can somehow outrun the state troopers who are now a few feet behind him in pursuit , the black man is white with fear and I can just imagine that Johnny would be flashing his big tooth full grin thinking , there could be adventure here. Tired again , I’ll finish later. When my body kicks in for a while the will to live kicks in , otherwise I am tired of feeling shitty and chasing money to survive and sometimes feel ready to die.

Aug. 11/09 Have to write letters to see if I can get some of my money out of the bureaucrats and bankers grubby little hands before I die. I’ve got into the habit of praying , last night while I was praying I expierined the pull of the bright whiteness , it not really a light but a realm .I experienced something similar when I was undergoing chemotherapy , much more brighter but laced with pharmacuticals from the therapy. I guess each time that you get close to dying you experience the brightnes to some degree . I feel as if at this time that I have a choice , I can decide if I want to live a while longer or I can decide to die . I know that I could decide to die and that I would in short order . Wed. Aug. 12/09 Getting really depressed , Suicide crosses my mind on fairly regular basis and then I get pissed off at myself for thinking that way , my , deppresion , suicidal thoughts and anger , now there is a cocktail to start your day with. And my coffee tastes soapy and I didn’t wake up horny . Gotta get into the posative , I’m going to have to become super Zab to pull this one off . I’ll just keep putting one foot in front of the other till the happy thoughts come . I’ll go out for a coffee and a smoke( my oncologist said that my cancer is so far progressed that it is iffy whether or not stopping smoking would prolong my life any , she said that I might as well enjoy whatever I can whenever I can) on Contemplation log ,say a morning prayer of thanks , that usually improves my mood , Thinking about women usually improves my mood , my oncologist gave me a presciption for $1700 of Cialis , I guess she wants me to die happy.

Aug. 10/09

The end of the rainbow and the big hole in the sky .

Aug.9/09 from comp. log

Aug.9/09 1350 Coughing up bood more often now. Trying to get into the positive but it keeps getting more difficult. I will finish the J.F. story soon. Mon. Aug. 10/09 First of all alittle about cancer , (I am not whining but documenting) .I wake up every morning exhausted and have to slowly work at and hope that I can find some energy for the day , sometimes the more I rest the more tired I get and there , there is no position of comfort 24/7. I remmember talking to a gentleman and his son at the cancer clinic , well actually just the elderly man with the cancer , we looked in to each others eyes with an understanding that only a cancer patient can understand , the caregivers and oncologists really can not comprehend how one feels . You know how awfull you feel when you have a bad flu , then when you start feeling better you forget about how bad you felt before . Imagine what it is like to feel worse than that 24/7 and you only prospect is that it is going to get worse then you die. The other prospect that I have to look forward to is that when the cancer progresses to my brain one morning I will wake up (maybe) partially or fully paralyzed lying in my own piss and shit . I personally have to draw from some inner strength to face up to each day and still somehow each day is precious .

Sun. Aug. 9/09 Occasionally I have been having violent dreams . 22 days left in my last summer and most of my energy has been consumed with the process of chasing money , my what a pitiful brainwashed creature I am at times , although I would like some loot to enjoy the remaining last 3 weeks of my last summer of my life . I am coughing up blood every morning and after every time I lie down , this means that the main tumor is growing . Fatigue is extreme the pain is bearable , socializing with most people is tiring , I mean most people havn’t grown out of the juvenile me me me stage and some never will , but I guees we are all one and the same that way . There are not to many people that can comfortably socialize with a person at my stage of health . When the fatigue sets in my mental state deteriorates , obviously facing your own death and being constantly in physical distress. When you have cancer you get so fuckin tired of your body sometimes you want to spit nails then later you feel guilty for thinking that way ang give thanks for being able to live another day.

Aug.8/09 from contemplation log 0606

Aug.5/09 Got to thinking how God confuses things for us . Just like when your young , men need to be sexual before they become emotional , women need to be emotional before they become sexual , God has given me free reign to do whatever I want but not the energy to do it with. Back to dying , just had breakfast , the cancer must be going to or in my digestive system , it hurts when I eat and after I eat I feel like I just ran a marathon and can barely keep my eyes open , so I will continue the J.F. story later. Have to get some energy to go chase that obsene dollar now, that will put me into a deppression but I will try to get back to it as soon as I can. Fri. Aug. 7/09 The last month of the last summer of my life.I know that I will be dead soon , A friend is trying to get a small loan from the bank so that I could have a bit of spending money in the last month or two of my life He has 1,000,000 in realestate holdings and my life insurance policy will pay $42.000 .00 . , you think the bank would give him a $5000 loan so that he could help a dying friend ,no way , I offered to kill myself if I don’t die before Xmass (I know that I will be dead soon) to make sure that they got their money back but still no way. I’ve logged the bush for lumber for houses , I’ve helped build locomotives to move goods and commodities across this great country and foreign lands , I’ve helped build roads and bridges , I’ve toiled on assembly lines to build the vehichles that people depend on so much. I’ve built an fixed up homes so that people live in , I’ve worked on the ships that keep the shelves stocked , Operated the heavy equipment that to help move Canadas commodities to other lands and donated thousands to charities , and the Canadian gov’t thinks that $625 a month is sufficient monies for a person to enjoy their last days , The banks after reciieving billions from the taxpayer , including myself can’t see fit to lend my friend a lousy $ 5000 in order for him to help a dying friend.Ther I’ve vented for the day and Goddam everyone who puts money in front of people , Just imagine if we spent 1/10 of the money that we spend trying to kill people to help people instead , but we are such greedy little animals collectively we would and do sell our own sons and daughters so we can keep our hands on our toys. There I vented again , I am almost dead , so I feeI that I have a right to. I am fatigued beyond belief ( imagine your worst hangover day , that is the way I feel at the start of every day) am in constant pain and am sleeping (if you want to call it that) almost all the time . I still try to get up early every day . say a prayer of thanks to the big guy for giving me another day and hope for the best even though I know that my situation is hopeless , I guess that is part of what makes life wonderfull , eternall hope no matter what. Sat. Aug. 8/09 Tired ,tired , had one drink last night and went to bed a little later than usual , dam ,I feel as if I was drinking all night. I really want to finish the J. F. story. Sometimes I just wake up terrified.

This is part of the beach from previous post

Wed. Aug. 5/09 I will start with the J F story as it is hilarious and I could use all the humour I can get at this stage. Whoever is reading this will have to wait a day or two as I am running out of steam right now and it is 0330. J.F. needs a bit of an introduction as to the way that he fits into the scheme of things. A group of people, all rich kids, intelligent and industrious started to congregate around myself when I spent a profitable summer in a tourist town on the sandy beaches of Lake Huron in what is affectionately known as Bluewater country. Drug and alcohol smuggling, wild parties intertwined with profound moments of enlightenment, raw unadulterated sex, riots, draft dodgers first loves, suicides, actors, murders all mixed in with a genuine concern with life. Later. Back to J.F.. J.F. was one of those rich kids, very intelligent but he had a propensity to get himself into situations that would make Frank Zappas’ escapades seem tame and child like. Whenever J.F. went on a trip, the rest of us would place bets as to who he would call first to send him money to post bail or pay a fine. One of his most memorable escapades was one of his road trips from Detroit to Key West Fla.. Johnny hitchhikes from London Ont. To Detroit to buy some weed , in those days the weed went south to north rather than north to south as it does nowadays. Back then the border between the Sates and Canada ( this was before our neighbours south of the 49th became an armed camp and was still a democratic nation ,unlike today) was a friendly place. Many of us would drive down to Florida on a whim , it was not terribly unusual to party and the next day end up in a foreign country. Johnny while buying and then smoking some decent dope runs across someone selling a Cadillac for $35 , decides to buy it and decides to test it out by driving it from Detroit Mich. To Key West Fla. . Drinking and driving was almost legal in those days and although irresponsible it was fun to go booze cruising , the tunes cranked , a cooler full of beer and a pocket full of dope chasing the horizon . Now Johnny is cruising south in this old beat up Cadillac , we always started drinking as soon as we crossed the border into the States , it was only a 26 to 30 hour drive and if you got to drunk or tired one could always do a hit of acid to stay awake and make the drive more interesting . The trip is uneventful till the weather starts to warm up , he has now been driving and doing who knows what and is just hitting Tennessee. Now you have to be filled in a bit more about Johnny and the political situation in the South. The civil rights movement was in high gear, from Tennessee on southern Americans called African Americans the politically incorrect N and C words , Jews were considered to be non-persons , cops were sadistic , they enjoyed inflicting pain and suffering and would shoot first and the lie later and Johnny looked more Jewish than Mordecai Richler. Johnny was a , or was at least a borderline genius , very intelligent and kind , but eccentric , and by this time sleepless , full of booze and acid and just starting to cruise through the southern states in his $35 Cadillac with Michigan plates , music blaring his curly black locks flowing in the wind and his proud Jewish profile framed in the drivers side window of his Cadillac beater. Gonna take a break from this story. Just went for a walk along the beach.

sunrise contemplation log Aug.29/09 tic toc

AS I mentioned earlier I wanted to wanted to write about situations that I have experienced. No one knows what I have seen and experienced so this is my last ditch attempt to leave some sort of message that I existed on this earthly plane, lived and affected the people I met. My path in life did not follow the tried and true trail that most people follow. I grew up in the late 60’s and early 70’s, experienced the 80’s tried some serious stuff in the 90‘s, was malicously prosecuted by the courts and started a new carrer at the beginning of the 21st century. I don’t relate much of my life too to many people (bits and pieces at best) as most people think that I am either lying or trying to impress them. I was just ready to start living full tilt again when I got diagnosed with terminal cancer. I not only want to document what it is like to die this way but also want to document what I have experienced, my opinions on life and what is in my soul. There is not much time left.

contemplation log sunrise Aug 4/09

Mon. Aug. 3/09 It is getting way to hard to keep a smile on my face. I am starting to be in the sate of mind where I am failing to understand why people are so afraid of dying; it is natural and sometimes could come as a relief. When one dies I think we expand rather than be drawn into some sort of place. It is a bit of a scary place like you are an electron being freed from the pull from a nucleus of an atom. The place that you go to depends upon yourself not some outside force even if there is an omnipresent force there. Tues. Aug. 4/09 I was thinking about communication , and how on a one at one basis the written word is ineffectual , observation conveys more info than speech and should be paid more attention to. The long hot summer nights are over and I never had the opportunity to be out in some picturesque place around a campfire baring my soul and swapping stories, although I have allways had to spend my serious times alone and am sort of comfortable with that. I believe that I might die alone and am not sure if I am ready for that yet. Is suicide really a sin? Wed. Aug 5/09 I woke up terrified at 2430, after having vivid dreams and in extreme pain. I can allways sense when the cancer is progressing and I think my soul knows that I am going to die soon snd is preparing itself for the journey. As mentioned earlier I get up to watch the sunrise every morning, the following photo is Aug. 4th’s sunrise. I hope some one finds as much enjoyment from it as I did.

sunrise contemplation log july 31/09

Sat. Aug. 1/09 Long weekend woo hoo . Went out again as I do every morning to watch the sunrise , a 6 on the spectacular scale , each morning this one sea lion gets a bit closer than the day before , I think it is the same one I am speculating that it is the dominant male checking thing s out . On the same note when I go out every morning an injured seagull that is all scruffy and probably on its’ last legs swoops down and parks himself close to me , when I get up to leave he/she doesn’t move and I get quite close to (within 1 or 2 ft.) , bird of a feather eh. The theme song of the day is Blue Rodeos ‘it can happen to you” from the Tremlo CD. The song has historic meaning for myself and dates back to my escapades and adventures on the sunshine coast. As far as my health is concerned , I am extremely fatigued lately having two naps a day and going to bed between 7 and 9 in the evening as well as being in pain and discomfort constantly , now I understand how a person could welcome death , the reaper might just be the saviour relieving oneself from the suffering. It is going to be a good day even if I have to get pissed off to make it that way. It is the weekend as I mentioned earlier , no more dealing with death and dying and chasing money for 2 days , yee ha , if I am not careful and it is already happening this place will become the house of depression , I am sure that even a palace can become hell if one is constantly dealing with there own demise on day in day out , as I get close to my computer and phone sometimes I cringe wondering how many times do I have to relive the hell I have gone , going and will be going through till the powers to be stop making me spend the last days of my life chasing fucking money. I have to fight to keep myself in a half decent mood, the edge is always just hovering over the skin of the abyss the deep downhill spiral through the muck of depression. Sun. Aug. 2 / 09 Got a tattoo of a Lithuanian Vytis yesterday , Wayne came along , but sort of chickened out , his vanity kicked in and I don’t blame him ,.I will be dead soon but he will have to live with his for the rest of his life. His daughter did get her nose pierced at the same time so the experience was shared within family. I know that I will die soon the pain is one indicator but the mental changes are my most profound indicator. Dreams are vivid, sleep is no longer sleep but rather a journey, I just know that I will be dead soon in the same way that I knew my mother was dying before she was diagnosed with cancer and the same way I knew that was going soon well before I was diagnosed, dammit I told Mike about this 7 or 8 years ago and went as far as to ask Wayne to take out a life insurance policy so that he could benefit from my death. I have had premonitions before which have been indisputable, hell witnesses and everything, I wish that people would pay attention and take my premonitions seriously, it would make everyone’s life easier. I have given up on doing a lot of things that I wanted to do, I have used up all my energy chasing money and I know or sense that I will be dead soon, the physical discomfort is such that I don’t think I could handle the physical requirements that would be required to do the things that I would want to do. I am trying to grab bits of happiness and enjoyment wherever I can but no one does nor do I expect them to understand the immediacy of my situation. SOME MINUTES OF SOME HOURS OF SOME DAYS I AM READY TO DIE. Trying to get into the positive. (2 hrs later) Not much luck.

Mon. July 27/09 0455 Another day, another sunrise coming, yea ha!, another sunrise I hope. It is a new day and a new week, I will try to put the stress from last week behind me and enjoy the days coming and try to do something worth while, in one way I am fortunate I have time given to me to figure out this death thing and somehow have managed to make a real friend. I know that if I wanted to I could lay down and die within a week or two. I can feel death sneaking up when I drift off, when I go to bed I no longer sleep but I just slip off to another place. No more new pains today, just the regular pain and discomfort. Since I am uncomfortable all the time and get some relief when I am moving the rest of my body is getting muscular and tanned. I am extremely thankful that I am staying where I am and have the few people around that are around. I am going to try to get as much living in as I can while I can. Wed. July 29/09 How do I go about forgiving someone whom doesn’t think that they have done anything wrong and do not want to be forgiven? I have observed people when they are in fight mode , anything that is said to them will be taken the wrong way , even if you compliment them they will take that compliment as an insult , I have not found a way yet to break through that barrier . I find it best to not say anything to avoid a confrontation or I could annihilate them, but if they were to be annihilated no one would win. So back to my original thought I guess that when a person forgives someone in that situation it is only for their own benefit. How does this affect the price of beef, piece of mind baby, piece of mind. Thurs. July 30/09 I am trying to stave off the big black dog I think that I can stave him off today. If I listen to my body and rest every time when I feel tired I would just end up being bedridden I have to push myself at times and I have to rest at times , I just have to figure out when to do one and when to do the other. Fri. July 31/09 I can always sense when my cancer is progressing , my dreams become more vivid , colours that you can touch and I can feel other souls , The medical profession should pay more attention to what patients tell them rather than to drug company and medical supply salesmen. I have to get ready to go out and watch the sunrise and say my prayers.

"W

Wed. July 15/09 Every good thing starts with a journal so here we go. 0600 I watched the shades of blue disappear as the sun started its ascent over the mountains and I enjoyed a coffee and cigarette. Going to fly from Vancouver to Port Hardy in a Grueman Goose today, the weather is gorgeous, slight high cloud which should burn off by mid morning. Today should be worth living. Sun. July 12/09 I found harmonica rock today. I was out for a walk during low tide, the sandy parts lay in patches amongst the barnacle and mussel encrusted point jutting ½ mile into the ocean. The rock that the waves haven‘t had the muscle to eat away at over the millennium, stubbornly refusing to be eaten away and is strewn with boulders up to 10 ft. in diameter. One of these boulders is lodged near the water on the north side of the spit almost at the very end. Sitting on the boulder there is a panoramic view of Quadra Island and will be fitting place to wail away on the harp. EMOTIONS ONCE SACRED LAY WASTED UNATTENDED GONE LEFT AS UNTRAVELLED FOOTPATHS WAITING FOR BRAVER WANDERERS TO TREAD UPON Mon. July/13/09. Happiness is what position you put your state of mind in. Some how we derive comfort from material possessions , maybe ownership sooths that part of our primeval soul that requires us to surround ourselves with object that protect us from the wildness and uncertainty that surrounds us when rally the only fears that we have are inner. Your inner well being depends on you make yourself feel. Dostoevsky found inner peace in the Gulag. MET THE PEOPLE IN THE OTHER PLACE GETTING READY FOR THE BIG TRIP WHERE MOONLIGHT ENDS AND STARLIGHT BEGINS FASHIONS THERE WERE IRREGULER GOOD THING IM NOT TO PARTICULER 5 AM Watched the tide slowly recede , bits of sand bar magically appearing as if the ocean is giving birth to new land masses.The sun hiding behind the mountans on the mainland the reflction off the sky shows up as a soft soupy red that no paint or photograph could capture. The way this book or memoirs is gong to happen is by keeping this journall full of antedotes ,notes poetry and thoughts ie.Listening to the news today ,a piece about the murders of 6 “banditos “ in S. western Ont. A few years back reminded me that I not only know the area, hell the spot where they took place but guessed(sic) who committed the murder before the police new and was shackled to the murderer on the way to court one time ., we were escorted through the town by an army of cruisers and choppers. Thurs. July 16/09 Got lazy I guess and the day is gone. Fri. July 17/09. HOW TO SEDUCE A GOOD WOMAN BE SINCERE WHEN YOU LIE I have been trying not to sink into a state of deppresion for the last week or so aside from being in constant pain ,while trying to raise some loot so that I repay one debt and maintain some sense of independence.I have been having to relive the hell that I went through for the lat few years.The deppresion can be worse than the cancer . When it hits it gets to hard to get up to brush your teeth or take a shit. I had better write some more I don’t want to get stuck in this mental state. I would like to learn to perform one song before I die, I just can”t think of which one, LAY ,LADY ,LAY comes to mind but I would like one that requires a harp part. Should learn Susane. Listening to it right now. Just went out to dinner with W and his family, the bit of socialicing helps me get through. I should write an antedote each day to try to awaken the muse and, all together they should form some kind of book. The first one that comes to mind is the Johnny Franklin expedition; it is late right now so maybe I’ll do it tomorrow. Sat. July 18/09. tired
Sun. July 19/09 The new pain is back and I am so tired of it , I could do some self hypnosis and learn to make the pain bearable . But should I start to overlook another symptom? I think I can almost make myself ready to die. I’m getting tired of the pain and financial situation. Money is very rude stuff. It comes ahead of a person’s health or even a person’s life. Sometimes suicide does present itself as a more pleasant option. With all the symptoms and pains I guess I shouldn’t expect people to understand what it is like to wake up and each day not knowing if how much you are going to suffer or whether you are going to live or die. Watched the sun rise up over the mountains again and gave thanks to the big guy for giving me one more day (I hope) ,asked for to grant some wishes but I’m not holding my breath on that one. On the plus side each new sunrise is different than the previous one and spectacular in its own way. Mon. July 20/09 IF A PERSON GIVES BECAUSE GIVING MAKES THEM FEEL GOOD, ARE THEY GIVING OR RECEIVING ? I just spoke with my fathers’ mistress, wife? , I am so angry , I could spit nails , I have to garner the strength to forgive my father , brother and his mistress . I sincerely don’t want to see them beside my death bed. They have known since last Oct. that I have terminal cancer and were willing to let me die in the streets, and now to make themselves feel good they say that there is nothing that they could do to help, well there is lots that they could do to help but I know that they wouldn’t lift a finger to make my life any more comfortable. People make empty offers to absolve themselves of any guilt. I have to garner the strength to forgive them for my own sake before I die or the emotions will eat me up. After a while one gets used to the physical pain and discomfort associated with dying, I hope that the emotional part becomes more bearable. Tues. July 21/09 PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR DREAMS TRY NOT TO GET CAUGHT UP IN TO MANY SCHEMES Wed. July 22/09. IT IS NO LONGER A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH IT IS JUST A MATTER OF DEATH!! Thurs. July 23 /09 The big black dog is back. Fri. July 24/09 It is still early in the evening , I don’t know why it is so easy to slip into a depressed state in the evening. Sat. July 25/09 The last week of dealing with legal issues , so to speak , as well as dealing with the emotional baggage that has been boiling up inside for years ,hell my whole life, with my blood family drains me and stops me dead in my tracks from accomplishing the few things that I would like to accomplish during my earthly existence. It is pecculilar how someone whom is not blood can have more meaning in your life and be closer to yourself than blood. I know that my health is going to be going down soon, just like I knew exactly how I was going to die before I was diagnosed. Hopefully I can raise above all this and get back on track and get back into the positive. I pray that everyone around me is not adversely affected by this ordeal but rather in some way gains something positive from this whole experience.I need to write more. THE SMILING FACE AND THE BOILING CAULDRON INSIDE. THE MORTALLLY INJURED WALK IN STRIDE. Sun. July 26/09 "MAN WAS NOT MENT TO LIVE FOR WORK " "BUT SHOULD WORK TO LIVE" When I drift off when to sleep for lack of a better term , it is not really sleep but more of an osmosis into another state , I swear you can feel the presence of other souls , some caress , some grasp .I wonder if the soul is a possession ? Is it something we own? Is it something we get to keep? Is it on loan? Can it feel? Can it travel? Can it love? An entertaining occurrence from the past would be the Johnny Franklin story. We are all fragile creatures, every one of us .We grasp and cling to whatever provides us with a little comfort.

contemplation log Aug.27/09