Aug.18/09 Gratefull for another day

I am not very computer savvy nor do I really care about how this is set up as long as everything is there , but I will try to set things up properly as I go. Ah depression , every second ticks by like an hour as you spiral down into the empty hole with the big black dog nipping at your heels , no end in sight. Gotta get into the positive . 1440 I went out to Contemplation log and I could hear the sea lions fucking , the sound carries well across the water and boy are they loud and enthusiastic . If reincarnation is a valid truth then coming back as a horny sea lion might not be bad . Picked up a copy of Nietzsche’s Thus Spake Zarathustra , gonna go read it now , see if he got it anywhere near right . It seems that everything we do in life we do to be accepted .The hardest person to convince to accept us is ourselves . Went to a funeral home today to get prices . prices for dirt , prices to be burnt . Getting burt up seems to be the least expensive . I woud like to get all my arrangements made ahead of time so that W and family and or M won’t have to go through the hassle when I die. If I had the loot I must admitt that I would have a big swaray for the people attending . Wed. Aug. 19/09 When a person is depressed the hours go by like months and when one is having fun the hours feel like seconds. I am at 50 degrees N , the days are getting shorter quickly now . We are all explorers , inward or outward we all long for what is beyond the bounderies but are also afraid of what is out there . Tues. Aug. 25/09 My walk along the beach revealed another dead baby sea lion. I was told that the mother abandons her first born as her first pregnancy is a practice run. Everyone that I mention this to shows genuine sadness when I mention this to them . What confuses me is that these same people will walk by and turn their noses up at peoples sons and daughters dying in our streets . These people have been abandoned by family, society and gov,t’s . I have never been able to understand this hypocricy. I have not been able to write for a few days . Had to go to the big city (Vancouver ) to chase money for my beneficiaries . Two days chasiing drains me so much that it takes another two days to recover enough energy to do anything. I have only been up for 3 1/2 hr’s and am so fatigued due to the cancer that I can barely hold my head up. Have to write a quick letter of thanks to the advocate proceeding on a wcb case (if successful I won’t be alive to enjoy any monies forthcoming) then I need some rest .
Tues. Aug .25/09 Rest is hard to come by , when a cancer victim closes his or her eyes and drift off it is not always restful but just a transfer to another state , this can go on for days or weeks until finally a bit of rejuvenating rest kicks in. Cancer patients are always performing while dragging a big ball and chain , sometimes the ball gets lighter and sometimes it gets impossibly heavy , it is always there. During one of my periods of drifting off towards the other side I realized that the devil does exist although only on a small cellular scale and is quite easy to deal with , now the big guy , that is another matter and I think he might require more effort and attention to comprehend , I do believe that somehow he/she can help one experience joy and comfort. The human spirit always surprises me , although I will be dead soon and I feel far to young I am still grateful as I still feel that I have done a lot of living but alas living is like drugs , one never seems to get enough. Wed. Aug. 26/09 Senator Kennedy died today , now there is the end of a era. Tired ! Tired ! Tired ! Could not get out of bed till 1730 yesterday , went back to bed 1930 , what a way to spend your last days Thurs Aug 27/09 I wish I had the guts to just get it over with and die.. Ffri. Aug. 28/09 When push comes to shove , in north american society , a dollar is worth more than a persons life . Every second of every minute of every day of every week seems to eat away at ones soul as the cancer eats oneself from the inside . It gets harder and harder to keep putting on the smiley face . Today will be especially rough since I know that this is the last weekend of the last summer of my life . I will try to get into the positive , maybe concentrating on the good times from the past . More and more I realize how deep the connection is between physical well being and any degree of happiness. Loss of independence ,to me . Is a mogor contributer to deppression , I can understand how the populations of nations can rise up and put their lives on the line when they feel that their freedom is threatened . Not the so called Red capatlist freedom practised by the regime south of the 49th but freedom for the whole population , not just a the select few who keep the rest of the population poor ,tired and under their heel.