1630 I wish I had enough balls to commit suicide . The big black cloud just keeps rolling in . The days keep rolling by , can’t keep my commitments , might as well die. Sun. Aug. 16/09 M was right , money hassles cause depression just , on top of being in the process of dying , no none wants to part with a few shekels to make a dying persons life more comfortable . I dare any of the pseudo- bureaucrats or anyone else for that matter to spend a couple of days feeling what I have been feeling for at least the last 2 years or just spend a couple of days in my shoes and then say let him suffer , After a couple of days they would be curled up in a foetal position crying for their mamas tit. I guess if I just packed it in it would make everyone that I know financial life easier , it’s only a life . I’ll try once again to get into the positive . For gods sakes a person is on their last legs and knocking on heavens door and they still want you to jump through hoops . 0800 It is a beautiful day , I wanted to go out for a walk but I do not have the energy , so back to bed and feel the pain . I need to pull out of this state . Going for walks helps , just like the movie said “ get busy living or get busy dieing” . Mon. Aug. 17/07 0550 I only have 4 or 5 good hours a day , the rest of the time I am sleeping or feeling like a bag of shit . I would like to finish documenting some of my experiences , fill your average Joe in on some of the nefarious deed that are being committed in this country ( mainly by people and groups that they think are out to protect them) , expound some of my political views and share some poetry. A tall order since I am slow and only have a hour or two a day. 1025 Just spent the last few hours chasing $ “ hurry up and wait until your dead ’ seems to be the reply , the process is exhausting and my day is over unless I get a second wind. 1200 Having a body sometimes doesn’t seem worth it , to much suffering ,to much work. Back to sleep , well sort of sleep it can’t really be called that. Tues. Aug. 18/09 I had to write another heartfelt email , emotionally drained , I allways wonder how much of my fatiuge is due to the cancer and how much is due to deppression. Should tell another J.F. story.