Aug.5/09 Got to thinking how God confuses things for us . Just like when your young , men need to be sexual before they become emotional , women need to be emotional before they become sexual , God has given me free reign to do whatever I want but not the energy to do it with. Back to dying , just had breakfast , the cancer must be going to or in my digestive system , it hurts when I eat and after I eat I feel like I just ran a marathon and can barely keep my eyes open , so I will continue the J.F. story later. Have to get some energy to go chase that obsene dollar now, that will put me into a deppression but I will try to get back to it as soon as I can. Fri. Aug. 7/09 The last month of the last summer of my life.I know that I will be dead soon , A friend is trying to get a small loan from the bank so that I could have a bit of spending money in the last month or two of my life He has 1,000,000 in realestate holdings and my life insurance policy will pay $42.000 .00 . , you think the bank would give him a $5000 loan so that he could help a dying friend ,no way , I offered to kill myself if I don’t die before Xmass (I know that I will be dead soon) to make sure that they got their money back but still no way. I’ve logged the bush for lumber for houses , I’ve helped build locomotives to move goods and commodities across this great country and foreign lands , I’ve helped build roads and bridges , I’ve toiled on assembly lines to build the vehichles that people depend on so much. I’ve built an fixed up homes so that people live in , I’ve worked on the ships that keep the shelves stocked , Operated the heavy equipment that to help move Canadas commodities to other lands and donated thousands to charities , and the Canadian gov’t thinks that $625 a month is sufficient monies for a person to enjoy their last days , The banks after reciieving billions from the taxpayer , including myself can’t see fit to lend my friend a lousy $ 5000 in order for him to help a dying friend.Ther I’ve vented for the day and Goddam everyone who puts money in front of people , Just imagine if we spent 1/10 of the money that we spend trying to kill people to help people instead , but we are such greedy little animals collectively we would and do sell our own sons and daughters so we can keep our hands on our toys. There I vented again , I am almost dead , so I feeI that I have a right to. I am fatigued beyond belief ( imagine your worst hangover day , that is the way I feel at the start of every day) am in constant pain and am sleeping (if you want to call it that) almost all the time . I still try to get up early every day . say a prayer of thanks to the big guy for giving me another day and hope for the best even though I know that my situation is hopeless , I guess that is part of what makes life wonderfull , eternall hope no matter what. Sat. Aug. 8/09 Tired ,tired , had one drink last night and went to bed a little later than usual , dam ,I feel as if I was drinking all night. I really want to finish the J. F. story. Sometimes I just wake up terrified.