Sat. Aug. 1/09 Long weekend woo hoo . Went out again as I do every morning to watch the sunrise , a 6 on the spectacular scale , each morning this one sea lion gets a bit closer than the day before , I think it is the same one I am speculating that it is the dominant male checking thing s out . On the same note when I go out every morning an injured seagull that is all scruffy and probably on its’ last legs swoops down and parks himself close to me , when I get up to leave he/she doesn’t move and I get quite close to (within 1 or 2 ft.) , bird of a feather eh. The theme song of the day is Blue Rodeos ‘it can happen to you” from the Tremlo CD. The song has historic meaning for myself and dates back to my escapades and adventures on the sunshine coast. As far as my health is concerned , I am extremely fatigued lately having two naps a day and going to bed between 7 and 9 in the evening as well as being in pain and discomfort constantly , now I understand how a person could welcome death , the reaper might just be the saviour relieving oneself from the suffering. It is going to be a good day even if I have to get pissed off to make it that way. It is the weekend as I mentioned earlier , no more dealing with death and dying and chasing money for 2 days , yee ha , if I am not careful and it is already happening this place will become the house of depression , I am sure that even a palace can become hell if one is constantly dealing with there own demise on day in day out , as I get close to my computer and phone sometimes I cringe wondering how many times do I have to relive the hell I have gone , going and will be going through till the powers to be stop making me spend the last days of my life chasing fucking money. I have to fight to keep myself in a half decent mood, the edge is always just hovering over the skin of the abyss the deep downhill spiral through the muck of depression. Sun. Aug. 2 / 09 Got a tattoo of a Lithuanian Vytis yesterday , Wayne came along , but sort of chickened out , his vanity kicked in and I don’t blame him ,.I will be dead soon but he will have to live with his for the rest of his life. His daughter did get her nose pierced at the same time so the experience was shared within family. I know that I will die soon the pain is one indicator but the mental changes are my most profound indicator. Dreams are vivid, sleep is no longer sleep but rather a journey, I just know that I will be dead soon in the same way that I knew my mother was dying before she was diagnosed with cancer and the same way I knew that was going soon well before I was diagnosed, dammit I told Mike about this 7 or 8 years ago and went as far as to ask Wayne to take out a life insurance policy so that he could benefit from my death. I have had premonitions before which have been indisputable, hell witnesses and everything, I wish that people would pay attention and take my premonitions seriously, it would make everyone’s life easier. I have given up on doing a lot of things that I wanted to do, I have used up all my energy chasing money and I know or sense that I will be dead soon, the physical discomfort is such that I don’t think I could handle the physical requirements that would be required to do the things that I would want to do. I am trying to grab bits of happiness and enjoyment wherever I can but no one does nor do I expect them to understand the immediacy of my situation. SOME MINUTES OF SOME HOURS OF SOME DAYS I AM READY TO DIE. Trying to get into the positive. (2 hrs later) Not much luck.