Aug. 11/09 Have to write letters to see if I can get some of my money out of the bureaucrats and bankers grubby little hands before I die. I’ve got into the habit of praying , last night while I was praying I expierined the pull of the bright whiteness , it not really a light but a realm .I experienced something similar when I was undergoing chemotherapy , much more brighter but laced with pharmacuticals from the therapy. I guess each time that you get close to dying you experience the brightnes to some degree . I feel as if at this time that I have a choice , I can decide if I want to live a while longer or I can decide to die . I know that I could decide to die and that I would in short order . Wed. Aug. 12/09 Getting really depressed , Suicide crosses my mind on fairly regular basis and then I get pissed off at myself for thinking that way , my , deppresion , suicidal thoughts and anger , now there is a cocktail to start your day with. And my coffee tastes soapy and I didn’t wake up horny . Gotta get into the posative , I’m going to have to become super Zab to pull this one off . I’ll just keep putting one foot in front of the other till the happy thoughts come . I’ll go out for a coffee and a smoke( my oncologist said that my cancer is so far progressed that it is iffy whether or not stopping smoking would prolong my life any , she said that I might as well enjoy whatever I can whenever I can) on Contemplation log ,say a morning prayer of thanks , that usually improves my mood , Thinking about women usually improves my mood , my oncologist gave me a presciption for $1700 of Cialis , I guess she wants me to die happy.