c1630 I have put myself in a hospital setting in my own home , exersise , rest and mittfulls of supplements ,it is a lot of work , I am tired as hell but considering that I was supposed to die over a month ago Ithink I am doing well . Still have to make funeral arrangements. Fri. Aug. 15/09 0230 Once I get up and start thinking there is no going back to sleep , although I have been sleeping tons . So now I am awake ,tired as hell (the cancer make one tired all the time ,there are just varying degree’s), in pain and on the verge of sliding into a magor deppression , (for anyone reading this I am not whinning but documenting) I will get into the positive somehow . I can feel the main tumor in my chest , it reminds me of the movie “Alien “ , a foreign object developing and living inside you . 0345 Ah the J. F. story ( from Aug. 14/09 ) . Well Iam in a depressed state so I probably will not be as loquacious as I should be . If you could picture the events unfolding in the J.F. scene desribed Aug. 14/09 , in my mind that is a humorous situation. Johnny is trying to speed away from the state troopers in his $35 Cadillac , turn off I-16 and is speeding down a secondary road and directly up ahead is the small town of Dublin . Now Johnny being public safety conscious decides to slow down and pull over rather than risk harming the fine citizens of Dublin . Good thing for the black man that the cops concentrate on dragging poor Johnnys naked body and pummelling the shit out of Johnny giving him an opportunity to slip away to who knows where (I hope to someplace safe) . Johnny is cuffed .bloodied, blanketed , turned over to the local sheriff and brought before a justice of the peace in a private home ,the JP appears to be the sheriffs mother . Johny gets a hold of one of us by phone ,we wire him $200 (a lot of money in those days) , they take the money give him another beating and luckily send him on his way rather than kill him, Johnny is now a bit afraid of southern cops and rather than go on towards Florida he decides that he will go someplace safe and proceedes to head to Mexico to buy pot . A sound choice . As anyone can imagine Johnny gets into a predicimnt there also but that is another story . Back to what it is like to have cancer , oh joy . Conservatively it has now been more than 400 days of feeling shitty , the best days are like an extreme hangover while you have the flu and throw on some pain for good measure , the worst days are just plain wishing that you were dead and bordering on suicide. Ah then that will to live kicks in . I am sure that there are mental changes that occure that the medical proffesion is not aware of . The body must be preparing the mind to die , The vivid dreams , the memory remembers emotions that one feels during experiences rather than attachments to possessions , like when you bought your first house you remember your emotional attachment to your loved ones not the exitement of a new possession. As far as the cancer goes I am fading pretty quick.