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Wed. July 15/09 Every good thing starts with a journal so here we go. 0600 I watched the shades of blue disappear as the sun started its ascent over the mountains and I enjoyed a coffee and cigarette. Going to fly from Vancouver to Port Hardy in a Grueman Goose today, the weather is gorgeous, slight high cloud which should burn off by mid morning. Today should be worth living. Sun. July 12/09 I found harmonica rock today. I was out for a walk during low tide, the sandy parts lay in patches amongst the barnacle and mussel encrusted point jutting ½ mile into the ocean. The rock that the waves haven‘t had the muscle to eat away at over the millennium, stubbornly refusing to be eaten away and is strewn with boulders up to 10 ft. in diameter. One of these boulders is lodged near the water on the north side of the spit almost at the very end. Sitting on the boulder there is a panoramic view of Quadra Island and will be fitting place to wail away on the harp. EMOTIONS ONCE SACRED LAY WASTED UNATTENDED GONE LEFT AS UNTRAVELLED FOOTPATHS WAITING FOR BRAVER WANDERERS TO TREAD UPON Mon. July/13/09. Happiness is what position you put your state of mind in. Some how we derive comfort from material possessions , maybe ownership sooths that part of our primeval soul that requires us to surround ourselves with object that protect us from the wildness and uncertainty that surrounds us when rally the only fears that we have are inner. Your inner well being depends on you make yourself feel. Dostoevsky found inner peace in the Gulag. MET THE PEOPLE IN THE OTHER PLACE GETTING READY FOR THE BIG TRIP WHERE MOONLIGHT ENDS AND STARLIGHT BEGINS FASHIONS THERE WERE IRREGULER GOOD THING IM NOT TO PARTICULER 5 AM Watched the tide slowly recede , bits of sand bar magically appearing as if the ocean is giving birth to new land masses.The sun hiding behind the mountans on the mainland the reflction off the sky shows up as a soft soupy red that no paint or photograph could capture. The way this book or memoirs is gong to happen is by keeping this journall full of antedotes ,notes poetry and thoughts ie.Listening to the news today ,a piece about the murders of 6 “banditos “ in S. western Ont. A few years back reminded me that I not only know the area, hell the spot where they took place but guessed(sic) who committed the murder before the police new and was shackled to the murderer on the way to court one time ., we were escorted through the town by an army of cruisers and choppers. Thurs. July 16/09 Got lazy I guess and the day is gone. Fri. July 17/09. HOW TO SEDUCE A GOOD WOMAN BE SINCERE WHEN YOU LIE I have been trying not to sink into a state of deppresion for the last week or so aside from being in constant pain ,while trying to raise some loot so that I repay one debt and maintain some sense of independence.I have been having to relive the hell that I went through for the lat few years.The deppresion can be worse than the cancer . When it hits it gets to hard to get up to brush your teeth or take a shit. I had better write some more I don’t want to get stuck in this mental state. I would like to learn to perform one song before I die, I just can”t think of which one, LAY ,LADY ,LAY comes to mind but I would like one that requires a harp part. Should learn Susane. Listening to it right now. Just went out to dinner with W and his family, the bit of socialicing helps me get through. I should write an antedote each day to try to awaken the muse and, all together they should form some kind of book. The first one that comes to mind is the Johnny Franklin expedition; it is late right now so maybe I’ll do it tomorrow. Sat. July 18/09. tired
Sun. July 19/09 The new pain is back and I am so tired of it , I could do some self hypnosis and learn to make the pain bearable . But should I start to overlook another symptom? I think I can almost make myself ready to die. I’m getting tired of the pain and financial situation. Money is very rude stuff. It comes ahead of a person’s health or even a person’s life. Sometimes suicide does present itself as a more pleasant option. With all the symptoms and pains I guess I shouldn’t expect people to understand what it is like to wake up and each day not knowing if how much you are going to suffer or whether you are going to live or die. Watched the sun rise up over the mountains again and gave thanks to the big guy for giving me one more day (I hope) ,asked for to grant some wishes but I’m not holding my breath on that one. On the plus side each new sunrise is different than the previous one and spectacular in its own way. Mon. July 20/09 IF A PERSON GIVES BECAUSE GIVING MAKES THEM FEEL GOOD, ARE THEY GIVING OR RECEIVING ? I just spoke with my fathers’ mistress, wife? , I am so angry , I could spit nails , I have to garner the strength to forgive my father , brother and his mistress . I sincerely don’t want to see them beside my death bed. They have known since last Oct. that I have terminal cancer and were willing to let me die in the streets, and now to make themselves feel good they say that there is nothing that they could do to help, well there is lots that they could do to help but I know that they wouldn’t lift a finger to make my life any more comfortable. People make empty offers to absolve themselves of any guilt. I have to garner the strength to forgive them for my own sake before I die or the emotions will eat me up. After a while one gets used to the physical pain and discomfort associated with dying, I hope that the emotional part becomes more bearable. Tues. July 21/09 PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR DREAMS TRY NOT TO GET CAUGHT UP IN TO MANY SCHEMES Wed. July 22/09. IT IS NO LONGER A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH IT IS JUST A MATTER OF DEATH!! Thurs. July 23 /09 The big black dog is back. Fri. July 24/09 It is still early in the evening , I don’t know why it is so easy to slip into a depressed state in the evening. Sat. July 25/09 The last week of dealing with legal issues , so to speak , as well as dealing with the emotional baggage that has been boiling up inside for years ,hell my whole life, with my blood family drains me and stops me dead in my tracks from accomplishing the few things that I would like to accomplish during my earthly existence. It is pecculilar how someone whom is not blood can have more meaning in your life and be closer to yourself than blood. I know that my health is going to be going down soon, just like I knew exactly how I was going to die before I was diagnosed. Hopefully I can raise above all this and get back on track and get back into the positive. I pray that everyone around me is not adversely affected by this ordeal but rather in some way gains something positive from this whole experience.I need to write more. THE SMILING FACE AND THE BOILING CAULDRON INSIDE. THE MORTALLLY INJURED WALK IN STRIDE. Sun. July 26/09 "MAN WAS NOT MENT TO LIVE FOR WORK " "BUT SHOULD WORK TO LIVE" When I drift off when to sleep for lack of a better term , it is not really sleep but more of an osmosis into another state , I swear you can feel the presence of other souls , some caress , some grasp .I wonder if the soul is a possession ? Is it something we own? Is it something we get to keep? Is it on loan? Can it feel? Can it travel? Can it love? An entertaining occurrence from the past would be the Johnny Franklin story. We are all fragile creatures, every one of us .We grasp and cling to whatever provides us with a little comfort.