Sun. Aug.30 /09 0515 Trying to mentally prepare myself to die alone , I knew over 10 years ago that this was going to be the way I was going to die and 7 years ago I told M when I would die. I have already been admitted to the palliative care ward once and managed to walk out and within a few months I was sitting on a beach , I don’t think that I will be so lucky this time . Shit I was putting on muscle and weight ( the Weight by the Band now there is the song of the day) , getting tanned before the days started getting shorter and the pain got more intense , but hell I am going to still keep pushing. I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to be around , I imagine I remind them of their own mortality and I know that at times when I was spending time around people dying sometimes there was great insight sometimes I just wanted to get away. Cancer, what an insidious disease , on the outside I do not look ill and have actually been told by some women that they found me attractive (god ,that is sweet nectar dripping on the ego of ones soul), the downside of this is trying to let the people that should know that dieing time is near and I am suffering to the point where living at times is to painful and a burden. The bright side is mornings are better times than the rest of the day , I wish I had enough energy get into trouble.