Blues

Mar. 31 /10 0440 The Cancer and the Chemo : Two strong coffees in this early morning should give me enough stimulation to stay lucid for an hour or so. Today they just make me sleepy. Nothing as far as my body is concerned works as it it should . Hour by hour everything changes . I experiment with diet and movement and try to get some consistency in the way that I feel. Then the food runs out. My goal is to feel well enough to forget about the body. I can sense when the cancer is trying to or is progressing. The symptoms overtake and overwhelm leaving little energy to concentrate on anything else. I am constantly tempted to give in. Maybe there would be some relief from the uneasiness from the discomfort then. 4 more cycles of chemo. 94 more days of feeling this way and worse. Maybe ? , after a recovery period , going through all this will buy me a few more months of life . Hell , I am at wits end now. Sitting on the fence teetering between life and death daily. Any energy that I can muster is now spent on trying to figure out how to get by for this day and the next. Until I find some sort of solution to get some sort of consistency of means of survival there just isn’t any energy or room for anything else. What a waste of precious time. Bye for Now . See ya on the other side.

Just Rambling

, I was in a city . I could look down at the ocean . There were people working in different situations and places. I could see and be at all these places at once. As one can do in dreams . The people and somehow the place was as aware of my presence . There was a feeling of comfort and friendliness. I was working but then my co-workers told me that it was my time to find something else. Other people working at other places , smiles on their faces , stopped and offered me tasty foods and herbs to sample. I was then walking along a street that overlooked the ocean. There buildings along the same street. Everyone and everything inside was visible. Like looking into cutaway doll houses. Everything and everyone present felt open , safe and friendly. I was on the street , aware of all that was around me as can happen in dreams. A woman took my hand. I squeezed . She squeezed back. Comfortable feelings overwhelmed me. The feeling one gets when a trusting infant nestles in your arms and looks lovingly into to your eyes. That along with the sensation of a woman, close , resting her head on my shoulder but closer. Two bodies in one skin. Warm , safe and jubilant. We both trembled comfortably and looked down at the vastness of the ocean below. I woke . I was crying. I do not know why but I was. Mar. 30 /10 0220 The cancer and the chemo. I hope that I am wrong but I feel another infection coming on . It is painful and difficult to swallow. I do not think that my body can handle another infection or the antibiotics to treat it. For a normal person a sore throat is a minor inconvenience,. In my situation it is life threatening. I tried to swallow a pill this morning and it got stuck painfully in my throat. It would be funny that after all that my body has gone through to die from something stuck in my throat. I experience stridor every time I breath. It is either an infection or the cancer has metastasized to my throat. I lose either way . I have to try to get ready for the third cycle of chemo. My day is already full trying to prepare proper meals with what I have and to just get through the day. It seems so silly that I have to take my life into my hands to get things ready to receive more chemo. I do not see my circumstances changing until I get admitted into palliative care. I am trying to stave “trails end” off for as long as possible. When the daily tasks become overwhelming is when the depression sinks in. If my body lets me. Gonna try to get into the positive. Bye for now . See ya on the other side. .

The Earths Blood

Mar.29 /10 0300 The wind howls and the ocean boils this morning. There is a severe wind warning for this part of the Island . The winds coming from the southeast is the direction that whips up the ocean the most. High tide is at 0500 PST. If all the conditions are right the boiling surf spits pieces of wood up onto the yard in front of my window at high tide. Low tide exposes a ¼ to ½ mile peninsula of hard ancient rock that has been to tough for the waters movement to grind away. Although I can see that the ocean has tried . The rock that has been left behind has been sculpted into one massive art gallery. It as a revered feeling to have this exposed ancient rock under my feet when I have the energy to go for a walk. As if the earths soul has been laid bare in places. This peninsula is where a colony of sea lions relax and bask. Close to the shoreline I can hear by my footsteps that it is hollow in places ¼ mile in shore from low tide. The oceans waters must have eroded the softer rock underneath. In my own way I consider the oceans water as the earths living blood. The rivers and creeks the earths arteries and veins. It is quite possible that I have the oceans water flowing through these hollow caverns underneath me right now. For whatever reason and by whatever forces of creation there is something special in this spot for me. I have been here since last June. I know that had I stayed where I was prior to moving that I would have died long ago. I have been near death since more than a few times. Somehow something keeps me alive . Why or for what purpose I do not know. I am neither religious nor do I have any defined spiritual beliefs. I have to acknowledge that there is power in this area and it keeps me humble. The Cancer and the Chemo. I had a couple of what I consider good days. These days are relatively pain free. The only things that I have to deal with are exhaustion , the constant thorn of there never being a position of comfort and bouts of what I am pretty sure are depression. Surprisingly depression can be more debilitating than the cancer. If the pains subside without the use of prescription drugs I can deal with the other three. In a 24 hr period I can get 2 to 4 of what I call good hours. Still these 2 to 4 hrs had I been healthy I would be calling in sick for work. Things change , in my present state I look forward to and am grateful for these 2 to 4 . There are days when there is no relief from the exhaustion and the pain is maddening , constant and debilitating. Bye for now. See ya on the other side. The Song of the Day Is . “to love Somebody’ By The Bee Gees A sloppy sentimental song. .

Five Hours

Mar. 24/10 Within the last 5 hours I keep bolting up out of bed in a completely terrified state. I do not know why. I am experiencing extremely vivid dreams but I don’t see how they could be in anyway responsible. It has happened before but not often. I think that with all that is transpiring within my body must have something to do with it. Prolonged constantly teetering , one moment towards death , one moment towards life has to play on the mind. With the cancer I no longer am in control of witch direction my physical being is going. I do know that I would able to just lay down and die within a week if that was the choice. I have been in the situation of being near death many times now. Both before and after having cancer. During the near death experiences prior to the cancer most times my body was healthy. I am lucky in a sense to have had these experiences . The time that I have been able to spend hovering over the other side has provided me with the luxury of contemplation. Death for me is coming slow and at most times painful. I hope that I do not disappoint the “powers to be” that control the dying process while I still manage to find some joy on a daily basis. The physical suffering is too much sometimes . I am not that afraid of dying most of the time. I think that maybe the letting go is more difficult. Also the physical pain can consume and almost! , make one wish that death would come . On the Canadian news I observed that my government sees fit that Clifford Olsen (a notorious inhuman mass murderer) , receives more money to survive than I do. I have worked in industries that supplied our citizen and military with transportation and protection. I have logged the woods , built homes, worked in the maritime industry to bring goods to our citizens. During the 90’s I donated thousands to local charities. It is a bit degrading that my Gov’t feels that a mass murderer in prison should receive more loot to survive than myself. Although money at this time is unimportant , the added stress of trying to live off of funds 50 percent below the poverty rate is cruel , inhuman and degrading. Again there are few that mature and get past the mine , mine , mine and the “I want more stuff” to substantiate their self worth to themselves. Like cave men quarrelling over scraps of meat. I am fortunate that I have been able to for the most part put that behind me. I have some contempt , but also pity for those whom are to weak to do so. I will not lower myself to that state. The cancer and the chemo. My body like the tide , ebbs and flows. Sometimes,I can feel life kicking in , other times I fade. Some of the pains are returning. Life is a constant push. Every movement and thought requires a conscious effort. Overcoming the maddening constant discomfort requires a stalwart mental stance. Physically I feel that I have made some progress. Today I will keep moving as much as possible, Sometimes when I push myself physically I can forget the discomfort for awhile . Sometimes the push backfires and knocks me on my butt. Then I have to start all over again. Because of the chemo and cancer life goes on by the hour. I never know what the next hour will bring. At the moment new chest pains scare me a bit. I hope some sunshine comes my way soon. If not I’ll make some. Bye for now .See ya on the other side.

Transparency

Mar.23/10 0200 Still here. I hope that the effects of the chemo and cancer will abate for awhile so that I can concentrate on other matters. I wonder if it the journey or the destination that fills the spaces in time ? I wonder what is left when we throw away our animal tendencies and instincts? There is no more need to hoard possessions. No one has anything that can be used to bribe or influence. No one can instill fear. There is no need to protect one’s turf anymore. What is left when one is stripped bare of envy , jealousy , material ambition and all the other unsavoury motivators in life. The only company left is one’s conscience and curiosity. The only important assets left are memories. The only security left is “understanding” and the acceptance of one’s lack thereof. Everything and everyone I see is obvious and transparent.. I feel aware of every presence around me. I seem to be able to sense why and what people are feeling. I can see where compassion starts and why it stops. I am still confused as to how and why we fool ourselves into believing that we are more socially advanced than when we lived in caves. Out and out denial I guess. I cannot understand why “believers” and people of “faith” seem to be the most selfish , cruel and intolerant. Maybe this earthly plane is just a test . Society on a human level certainly hasn’t evolved. Slave mentality is still the core of every modern society. More people are brutalized and enslaved today than during any period of humankind. All in Gods name. We do have a unique ability however ignore and not see what is obvious and in plain sight if we so choose. Maybe dying is the cleansing of the muck that we wallow in , or more so take delight in forcing others to wallow in. When I see the cruelty that people inflict upon each other, I cry.

On My Way

Mon . Mar. 22 10 0951 After my episode this morning I may be wise to say my goodbyes sooner than later. My eyesight is dripping and strobing so to speak . As I look at this page there are large holes in the print that I can just not see. It is difficult to stand .I feel a sense of foreboding . Just in case I wish all well. I am alone , but I always expected to die that way anyways. Maybe I am just feeling the effects of the chemo or maybe I am on my way out now. Either way soon It will be time to turn and wave goodbye. See Ya on The Other Side.

Moon shadow

Sun. Mar. 21 / 101306 It’s all just part of life and dying. There is no good , there is no bad , it is all just there. The ups and downs are expected . The downs come hard when one is swimming in the chemical soup of chemo , the only stimulus discomfort , and the body feels like the enemy to be fought. Three hours ago my world literally went a hazy white while I was laying down. Everywhere all I could see and feel was a hazy white. Not the electric white that I have felt before. I could feel that an imminent move might be at hand . I got to my feet. My skin on all of my body was ghost white. It was not a good place. Two hours later I forced my self to get outside and stood at the top of the low short trail that led to beach. Dizzy and unsteady as I took in the mists caressing the mountain valleys across the straight.I could not negotiate the 10 ft down to the beach. Another hour later I tried again. I made it and said my prayer of thanks for another day , to whom I do not know, but I said one any way. Five hours ago I was laying in an altered state wondering if it was almost time. The last few days all my energy being consumed by the effort to get in and out of bed. Now I was sitting on a log being embraced by all that was near. There is power and spirit in the ancient rock below my feet . The oceans water , chemically almost identical to human blood and the heavily oxygenated air emanating from the boiling waters sustain and lift. I rolled a happy tear down my cheek . Mon. Mar. 22 /10 0200 The big guy/ girl at this stage gives licence for one to do whatever one chooses . One would think that a person would go wild and narcissistic. This is not the case. The constraints inflicted upon the body by the cancer may be partially but not completely responsible for choosing a more spiritual path. Not because there is fear of the unknown. But rather because in this space in time it feels appropriate , and a more comfortable thing to do. The body has decided to give me a few short breaks so that I can concentrate on something other than ailments for awhile. I have learned not to take these moments for granted as things change quickly. In this early morning I look in the mirror and ditch my vanity. I look like a Zeke from Stalin’s Gulag. Bald is not fashionable or attractive for most of us. The spaces between sleeping (? ) and waking become more blurred. I keep going back as to how to how vivid some of the dreams become. Others , including one of my oncologist’s has told me that I should be paying attention to these journeys. They are almost touchable vivid . There is a sense of consciousness during the sojourns. Unlike dreams that usually slip away from memory once one wakes , these visions can etch into one’s consciousness. Dealing with the effects of the chemo can be like that first day on the job that appears overwhelming , then after awhile become easier to deal with as one learns and hones ones skills . So does monitoring and assessing the life threatening pitfalls of the chemo become less frightening. A fever , severe uncontrolled bruising for no reason , pinpoint red spots on the skin etc. etc. all require trips to the emergency dept. I have had my fair share of complications. So getting through the bits of time throughout the day and night is all push , and then push some more. There are no guarantees that I will push through each time , but each time I have it has been worth the experience that follows. Depression can hit like a guillotine but can be overcome. It may seem simplistic but movement helps overcome depression. We seem to live in a time where every discomfort and ailment is considered a disease. Maybe so , but hardship and suffering has never been foreign to the human condition. I think some depression is natural and required to properly deal with dying. When I get stuck in the misery for awhile any favourable change in spirit is that much more uplifting. Bye For Now . See ya on the Other Side. (I am afraid that my eyesight has started to falter , to late to learn braille, I think??)

Chemo & Cancer Rants

Sat. Mar 20/ 10 At times one must get angry with the cancer so that strength can be summoned for the fight. Pleasantries can sometimes take a back seat. The gritty determination is hard to turn off. Other times one is left wasted , staring , spent from a losing round or a close final call. It takes awhile sometimes to come back and be genuinely concerned. Sometimes there is just nothing left. Especially when one comes to realize how we all are capable of being. The sense of urgency at this time can be overly compelling. The body is demanding release or comfort. A moment can become an eternity. The body clings and requires while the soul seeks. Sun. Mar. 21/10 The Cancer and the Chemo . Imagine back , remember the feeling that you once had when you were very ill. How did time feel as you waited for the constantly changing sickness to heal or for the pain to subside. Try to imagine staying in that state for months upon months on end. All the time knowing that the soon all of what you feel is going to get much worse. The mouth burns. Tastes change daily. There is no place to sit or lay that welcomes your body. Certain mental stimulus irritates ones senses . Violent or abusive scenes on TV insult and are abrasive to the senses. (after months of watching repetitive programming I am convinced that TV programmers and advertisers are the spawn of Satan , or at least as bad as top 40 radio show producers .jk ) Like the pea under the princesses’ mattress or the Chinese water torture , the moment by moment constant onslaught on the body consumes . The only thing one has left at moments are small creature comforts. A tasty morsel of food. A few hours of passing out. A good cigar. “All good things come to those who wait” is just a cruel saying at this stage. Even the air irritates and pains the skin at times. I have always been under the impression that the capability of sensing another persons mood and situation was part of the human psyche. I have discovered that this is not the case. Lots of people out there with nothing but windmills in their eyes that only focus inward. This is the moment when patience runs out the door. One becomes angry at the world. Feels as alone as an abused , abandoned child. Recognition for the fight put up by the cancer patient is more beneficial than sympathy. Getting past ourselves is a major achievement . There are few that achieve this. This is the stage where one must concentrate , pick up and keep on. Regardless of how little is left there is still something there. Hopefully the uncomfortable lag in this journey smooths out . Like the transition that occurs while riding on a horse that switches from a canter to a gallop. One is no longer jostled and bounced but is flying through the air towards the OPEN. Gotta get into the positive now. See ya on the other side.

"Keep Movin"

Mar. 19 /10 0500 This morning I will try to be like the sun as it climbs up from behind the mountains , pulls itself up into the sky and shines for awhile. The is still no relief or much rest and do not expect any for awhile if at all. But I am working on it. The sincere dedication and care provided by the health care professionals in this small town can also only contribute immensely to a better quality of life for anyone with a terminal disease. No matter how short that life is. I feel that if I can keep moving my body then I am on the road to some comfort. The chemo and radiation therapies provided over a year ago gave me a few good hours a day for a almost a year. They do work. I would have been dead over a year ago without them. No less important is efforts on my own behalf to stay alive. I look in the mirror, The reactions from the drugs give my face a rosy , albeit flushed but somewhat youthful glow. At least in my mind. This is day 3 of the glow. I will call it my cancer glow. The red glow from the sun is coming up from behind the mountains as the sun makes it’s way up. I will watch it’s rebirth today from behind the glass as the cool morning air is painful on the skin. The effects of the drugs and cancer make it difficult to concentrate or write about much else than the immediate experience of those effects . They are consuming . For that I apologize. There is much to say. On till tomorrow I hope. Bye for now . See ya on the other side. The Song of The Day Is : “Some Kind of Wonderful” As done by Buddy Guy on His “Feels like Rain” Cd/Album A bright cheery song.

Reach There

Mar. 18 / 10 2058 Finished day three of the second cycle of the intravenous injections of the powerful (poisons) chemo therapy drugs . I wait 18 days and then go thought this again , wait 18 days then do it again 4 more times. Hopefully if I survive I will be blessed with a few months of symptom free living before I die in a way that can only be described as a gruesome death. Palliative care units are full of people of what I am soon to become. This is the reality of my situation. I was admitted to the emergency dept. twice during the last cycle. I hope that during the next 18 days I fare better than that experience. What now. I am still full of anti nausea drugs . I choke when I lay down.Cool air hurts the skin. I am exhausted but unable to sleep . Tastes change constantly. A severe flu would feel good right now. My mouth soon will become so sensitive that brushing my teeth will be very painful but any lapse in oral hygiene can be life threatening due to infection.Water is difficult to drink but I must drink 8 to 12 glasses a day or my kidneys could fail. There are no guarantees that the chemo will work. I get clammy chills . It feels like deaths cold wet touch. My temperature is usually almost a degree into hypothermia. My blood pressure drops as my heart rate increases and my breath grows shallow. I pray that my body fights back towards normal. From here on in life is (“suffered”) lived by the hour. This is the good part , it goes downhill from here for at least the next 10 days. The severe fatigue and the really ugly effects of the chemotherapy really start to kick in and worsen within the next couple of days. . , When will the next bout of pain start? Will I be able to get out of bed to prepare the many small meals that I am supposed to eat? One day I can eat one type of food the next I cannot. Some times I just don’t bother as it is impossible to obtain anything. Will my kidneys fail? Is my temp. rising to 38 C witch means getting rushed to the hospital? Will I fall down when I stand? Will I be able to keep my place semi-sanitary in order to stave of the ever present worry of getting an infection which is life threatening to me? However if I get killed by an infection it will probably be by a bacteria that is already in my body. Has the cancer metastasised through the blood brain barrier? If it has at any time parts of all of my body and senses can stop functioning. This is only part of what has to be endured to maybe gain a few more months of life. , Is it worth it? Dam right! Maybe I’ll finally get to write a readable poem ? Maybe I’ll get to walk knee deep in the salt water at low tide along the beach . The sun glistening off the water as the sea lions ponder my intentions with their curious stare ? Maybe I will be able to reminisce with an old friend and rediscover a memory that brings a smile ? Maybe I can give some direction or advice that makes someone else's life a more complete and fulfilling experience ? Maybe I will find peace? The Songs Of The Evening Is “Miles from Nowhere” By Cat Stevens and “The Weight” By The Band . Bye for now. See ya on the other side

Rants and Wishes

Thurs. Mar. 18 /10 0300 The Song Of the Day Is. “Life by the Drop” by Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble The drugs ! the drugs! , the drugs , I am almost convinced that while dealing with the cancer the worst thing to do is to take all the drugs that are offered. The chemo drugs are life saving . However the body never fully recovers and there is the added side affect known to cancer patients as “chemo brain“ . Then there are the drugs for the side effects , mainly nausea. Some of these drugs were never intended for this use , they can have serious permanent neurological side effects of their own , there are safer alternatives , yet are prescribed on their own. I told the Dr.s that I was not going to take this drug and it was no big deal. “Uh Oh” , a rant. I would think that any cancer patient given the choice would perfer to puke for awhile rather than suffer permanent brain damage. These archaic drugs are no longer necessary as there are safer alternatives. I wonder how much of the decision making process of the treatment cancer patients receive is influenced by drug companies drive for profits. I do not besmirch any company or anyone being fairly compensated for their honest investment of time , labour or money. Some sense of morality has to be brought back into the marketplace. This prevalent attitude that “business is business” and “laughing all the way to the bank” is fine for sociopaths that have no concern for their fellow man or the world that they live in is disheartening and disgusting. A person only has to look at all the recent drug recalls of products that killed , automotive recalls and the credit crisis to realize to realize that industry and govt’s have absolutely no concern for the general population. Most resources are spent on the privileged few , and they don’t feel like they have enough they will send the poor’s sons and daughters off to a foreign land to die and get them some more. Our children are now being indoctrinated into this way of thinking. What kind of people would name their kid “Mercedes” ,or “Bob” for that matter. Whew Im glad I got a bit of something out. , I would like to leave behind some interesting stories of some of the life that I have led behind. It has varied , dangerous , exiting , and unfortunately often painful both emotionally and physically. I have manged to take the time to try to understand why events occur and unfold the way that they do. My effects and influence on the people that I know and meet and how I can maybe in some small way contribute at least to people around me in a positive way. On a selfish note I would also like to throw in some good living for myself and continue on in my spiritual quest.I would also like to leave behind a narrative of the trials and tribulations of what it is like to be dying from a terminal disease. Maybe it will be helpful for the dying and the people near them. I am coming to realize more clearly with each hurdle is how much the peoples near the dying need a guide on how to deal with person leaving. The cancer and the therapy however is all consuming now. The few good hours that I was looking forward to each month I now look forward to on a daily basis. Some days they do not come at all. If this slide continues , “so be it” . If I get more time on this earthly plain I will be grateful as I have so much more to say. I would also like to finish Slowdeath2.Bucket List? Either way I will maintain my dignity , try to leave with a smile and be happy and thankful that I had a life to live. Bye for now . See ya on the other side.

Good Enough For Me

Happy St. Patrick's Day
Wed. Mar. 17 /10 0120 : The Chemo: I am up at 0120 tidying up in the kitchen and washroom. Maybe this gives me a sense of normalcy. My resting pulse is 110 beats per minute. I have passed out for 2 hrs within the last 24. It is difficult to coordinate my fingers to the keyboard to spell different words. I have been able to drink water without experiencing severe pain for 4 days now , “ye ha”. I sit in an easy chair my hands go numb . Pains in the chest. I am exhausted and wide awake. I have 2 more days of intravenous injections of chemo-therapy drugs to complete the second cycle of 5 to 6 cycles. I8 days in between the cycles . The full bad effects of the cycle of chemo will not start for 3 to 6 days yet. Then it gets rough. Usually at this stage I do feel not to bad. I now feel like I got ate by a wolf and “shat” out over a cliff. I am a bit nervous about what is going to happen when the chemo drugs take their full effect in a few days. Again I hope that I am wrong but I did have a bad feeling before these sessions started. Each cycle gets more difficult. This is cycle 2 and I already have been to the emergency dept. twice. The anti-nausea drugs are heavy , the chemo drugs are extremely powerful and I am still taking antibiotics which are all hard on the body. I have been through chemo before and the body never really fully recovers. I just had a cup of strong coffee. The pulse is up to 130 now, somewhat scary but I have chased off the exhaustion for awhile. I am semi pain free at the moment . I wonder if I can go through many more bouts of pain. The only way that I can describe the pain to a normal person is for them to shove a knife into their thigh and 3 or 4 in.. Keep it working it and twisting it around 24 hrs a day for 5 or 6 days. I mentally never fully recover from these onslaughts. My tastes change drastically with the drugs. Foods I enjoyed can at a moments notice can taste disgusting. During the chemo all my time and energy is spent on dealing with the effects of the therapy .Trying to ensure the all important proper diet and dealing with the effects of the drugs. The politeness and smiley face I put on when I deal with other people is sincere but requires a lot of “push”. On the good side . I am not experiencing the nausea that a lot of other people do. I am getting a better handle on the effects of the drugs which helps me deal with them. “Hell” I am still here and have a chance at living on for awhile with some degree comfort. For right now that’s good enough for me. The Song of the Day Is. “I’ll Take You There” by The Staple Singers” Bye For Now , See ya on the other side
0930 Unfortunately with the chemo comes the selfishness.It just seems to be that way. I do not know if it is a combination of the drugs ,dealing with the effects of the cancer and the reality that life will be over soon. It is also difficult to concentrate on others when ones body is attacking oneself with pains , fatigue and general feeling of being unwell most of the time . There are bad moments , with effort fine rewarding moments can be achieved. Kinda like a serious game of snakes and ladders.

More Chemo?

Tues. Mar.16 10 0200 In and out of the hospital for the next 3 days for more chemo? Again I have a bad feeling about this next round of chemo. The last cycle did not go well. I have a feeling that the dentist overlooked a low grade infection which if left unresolved is life threatening. Our health care system , although good does not provide for dental work. The gov’t . will spend 10s of thousands on the chemo but will let someone die from an infected or abscessed tooth. I do not want to go through the visits to emergency and the pain that I went through for the last two weeks. The area around in and around the largest tumour is painful and rattles. The logistics ,$ and energy of getting everything done is just not there. Take a chance I guess. Bye for now. See ya on the other side.

Brand New Day

Mar . 14 /10 0740 The seagulls are dancing in the wind in front of my window. I can usually tell how strong the wind is by how high up in the air the seagulls play. The wind coming off the ocean hit’s the 10 ft . bank of land and creates a powerful updraft. Maybe they are looking for food that might be getting washed up from the ocean. To me they look like they are playing and dancing. Either way it is commercial free entertainment just outside my window. Mar. 15 /10 0210 Dealing with extensive stage small cell lung cancer is like walking through the tough sections of town. Just “keep movein” and put on brave face. However sometimes I feel like a lost child in the dark. Usually this happens in my “sleep”, I bolt awake terrified. Must be the sub-conscious at play. Off to the hospital again this morning to get tests to see if I can continue with the delayed chemotherapy. I had written well before the chemo started that I had a bad feeelng about these upcoming cycles of chemo. I hope that I am wrong. I have not fully recovered from the infection nor do I think that it’s source has been eliminated. I do not think that my body can handle a second round of what I went through for the last two weeks. If we decide to resume the chemotherapy tomorrow I have a feeling that I will be in for a rough ride. I do not know how much the effectiveness of the chemo is diminished by this last delay . I also wonder if the chemo can be delayed for another week so that my body can recover some more and so that I can investigate for the source of this last infection. I also wonder if the bodies ability to respond to an infection with a fever can be lost ? . I can feel the cancer in the right side of my body. Prior to being diagnosed I could not lay on my back or right side because of the pain. The whole right side of my body would stiffen up and become useless , the pain consuming my right side from my shoulder to below my liver. These symptoms are returning. My right leg seizes up almost daily. There is also a fullness and stiffness in the neck which concerns me as that is getting awfully close to the brain stem. The coming week will be consumed by the logistics of getting around , tests , dealing with the effects of the chemotherapy drugs as they course through my body and take effect , monitoring for adverse reactions and taking all the precautions that must be taken in order to stave off infections. I feel like I am getting ready for a prize fight. The drive to the hospital is gorgeous , regardless if the weather is fair or foul although I do not consider any weather foul. As I Canadian I feel obligated to talk about the weather upon occasion. The weather is one one of the powers that binds the citizens of this vast country. The geography of this country gives me strength to continue on. Probably that it is why I get so frustrated at being stuck in an appt.. Looking outward for some beauty helps with dealing with my situation. I keep my fingers crossed that the therapy will be successful. If it is not then that is just the way things are. The Song of The Day Is : “Brand New Day” by Van Morrison Bye for now. See ya on the other side.

Keeping On

Mar. 14 /10 0500 Every time that I go through an bout of serious pain that lasts for days the will to keep living diminishes. I try to regain the intensity of my desire to keep on and am successful to a point. However I never seem to be able to quite reach the mark that I left. Right now I cannot remember when I ever felt healthy nor how it felt. All that I know now is that each day is physically painful and uncomfortable. I am hoping that if I am able to continue chemotherapy for the next three months that it will be beneficial and that I might once again experience what it feels like to be symptom and pain free. I have become pretty good at disassociating myself from my body. One has to in order to psychologically survive the constant discomfort . Overcome it ! Get on with the time that is left for living. I am sorry that so much time is spent dying. There has not been any physical pleasure for quite some time. One must use the mind to achieve any well being. Taking journeys within memories and trying to keep inspired by the wonders that surround me. Each day is still a gift .I do say thank you and try to journey to some emotional place of well being. I still can get comfortably lost in realization of how much I do not know and still have sometime to find out . Doing something pleasant for someone else so that I can bask in their smiles also can warm my heart. On this earthly plane I keep my body moving as much as possible but my journeys are cerebral and/or spiritual. Like the voyages of the mind one can take while being lost in a good book. I should not complain but sometimes I do . I am still here. Bye for now , See ya on the other side. The Song of the Day Is “All I Want” by Joni Mitchel Just a pretty , happy song.

Shamans and Smells

Mar. 12/10 0740 I wonder , have religions evolved because of the geography ? , the separation of peoples. Each region requiring different solutions to survive.Each tribes spiritual beliefs moulded by the region that they live in. The less populated revere the land , the sky and the animals that sustain them. As cultures become more densely populated , other peoples become the threat to survival and religions doctrines develop accordingly. The religious teachings evolving into a self-help guide to survival. The kicker might be the people that rise to power within the religion perpetuate the biggest scam going. “Worship and support us and we’ll take care of you after you die. Of course there is no recourse if they are wrong. Throw in a good dose of fear and paranoia into the teachings as the world becomes more populated and cultures start to encroach on one another. Then the cultures ,beliefs and the hoarding of resources needed to survive and the religions transform into a battle cry justifying mans willingness to sacrifice other human being so that they can survive. God always seems to be backing both sides when the killing begins. I know that there is something spiritual out there but I cannot accept a doctrine that is saturated in greed and blood. Lying to oneself when one’s time to die is near does not make sense to me. Maybe I will remain somewhat of a pantheist till the day I die. Mar. 13/10 0250 Whenever the body gives me a break I get up, get some stimulant into me and get moving as much as I can. Lately the time seems to in the middle of the night or early morning. That depends on which way one looks at their day. Just as one of the oncologists treating me told me to pay attention to my cravings , other people whom have dealt with the dying have told me to pay attention to my dreams. As I have mentioned earlier as the body deteriorates the dreams become more strange and vivid. I can usually distinguish between the dreams that are the subconscious mulling over previous events and dreams that could be precognitive in regards to an afterlife of sorts. I recently had one of the dreams that would fall into the category of the latter. It was brief. I was walking on old ground. Precambrian shield that is transitioning into green. A native shaman and some one else?, is walking with me. The shaman has a short walking stick or cane in one hand and is holding my hand with his other hand. He rests his head on my shoulder and tells me that he is writing an article for native life magazine. When he rests his head on my shoulder I can smell his body. It is not a bad smell. I wake up and the distinct smell lingers for minutes and then disappears.This is the first time a dream has lingered into my awake state and affected one of my conscious senses. I searched on the Internet to see if such a magazine existed. It does . It is magazine on health specifically devoted to the native population. How this in any way would have any bearing on me , I don’t know . I am as white as a Q Tip. The cancer : The whole right side of my body is becoming painful now as it did just before I was diagnosed with the small cell lung cancer. When I was first diagnosed my life expectancy was measured in “weeks , not months without urgent chemotherapy”. The chemo that I am now supposed to be receiving is still on hold due to infections that can be life threatening in their own right. I am a bit nervous. 0445 The stimulant is wearing off and my few good hours for the day have almost passed now. The Song of the Day is “Flying Cowboys” By Riki Lee Jones
Bye for Now , See ya on the other side

Living To Exist (Fading)

0130 Lately when the fatigue hits I can feel the effort required to move my fingers , I am aware of movement in my eyelids when I blink. I do not expect other people to grasp the fatigue felt by a cancer victim. Before I was sick I would not have been able to comprehend the degree of fatigue that a cancer victim experiences. I am experiencing a double hit of fatigue now. One from the cancer and one from the infection? . I am running out of tricks to keep my spirits up and keep fighting. Sometimes I just have to let life slide and wait for the “will to live to kick in”. I am awake through most nights now. I feel a bit better then. I try to live those moments whenever I can. I am either sitting here or pacing. I try to keep moving as much as I can. No matter what the circumstances we all die alone. Within my niggardly circumstances I have to garner all my strength not to be bitter. My disappointment caused by a new illness and my inability to receive more chemo compounds my frustration. Trying to get into the positive . The Song of The Day Is “Don’t Let The Sun Catch You Crying” by Gerry and the Pacemakers Again “Man was not meant to live to exist , but exists to live” . Bye for Now, See ya on the other side

Looking for Something Pleasant

Thurs. Mar. 11 /10 0600 The wind is coming from the southeast with gusts of up to 100 km an hour. My house is in as much order as it is going to get. I get a bad feeling and hope that I am wrong. The infection? Is not going away with the use of antibiotics. I said previously that I had a bad feeling going into these cycles of chemo. I am going to stop taking the pain medication and see what happens. Most times the pain medications are having no effect on the pain and are just stressing the body needlessly . Not to mention the ill effects and damage done by all pharmaceutical drugs. I know what it feels like when the cancer is starting to take over in parts of the body. There are many symptoms that the Dr,s write off and are not considered. There are symptoms to look for that are not listed in the literature provided by the various cancer agencies. The body sends signals both physical and mental that something is terribly wrong. Constant unexplained pain is , or should be an obvious one. To many times this type of pain is not paid attention to by both dr and patient. Knowing exactly what is going on in ones body by the patient is paramount in if any treatment is going to be effective. Diet is paramount in the treatment as is ones frame of mind. One of my last pleasures available to me was eating (pussy too) , it is very painful to swallow. Drinking water is painful. I guess god though that I was having too much fun here and has decided to take the pleasure of eating away also. Pain makes not being cynical difficult. My days mostly consist of finding ways to get to my appts. Making sure that the right people have the right info so that there is not too much unnecessary and dangerous treatments. DR’s are as wrong as many times as they are right. This is not meant to be insulting. All the care is departmentalized . There is no way that the information from one dept to another does not lose something in the transfer of info. I have gone to the hospital before tests are to take place. I can see from the instructions to me that the Dep’t in question is not going to perform the tests as requested by the physician. They change the protocols that are to be performed the day of the test. The day of the test the technicians are ready to perform the tests using the wrong protocols. Again it has to be straightened out or else the physician would be getting the wrong or inadequate info. A patient need an advocate . I am afraid of the time coming soon . The last days when one no longer has the strength or ability to look after these things. Now I get to go and bang my head again the wall dealing and worrying about the financial wringer that my Gov’t. and Union are putting me through. I know that they are just delaying and hoping that I will just fck off and die. Cheaper that way , and money is more important than people to us. We do not want to admit it but it is a fact. There is just to much other stressful factors other than dying going on now. It is cruel. I am living off of coffee now and trying to be lucid as long as possible. Going to try to get into the positve. After the complaining that I am doing here. I am grateful for the attention and help that I have received. I would have been dead long ago if it had not been for the help I received. On the other hand also I might have been a lot better of with additional treatment and not having to deal with the stress of getting by 24/7. This is becoming a rant so I will stop now and see if I can come up with something pleasant . Bye for now , See ya on the other side

Refrigerator White

Mar . 10 2010 0924 I wake up and my face is refrigerator white.I am suspicious that the new pain in my throat is not an infection It could be the cancer has metastasized .I force myself to drink some water . When I swallow it feels like a knitting needle being shoved through my ear. The pain medication that the dr. told me to try seemed to work for a bit but now seem to do nothing. I have to drink lots of water as my kidneys are getting hit from all the medications. The lingering chemo drugs are especially hard on the kidneys as are the antibiotics and the pain medication. Kidney failure is a possibility. My right leg now starts to go rigid and cramp ,my toes curling up on themselves and seizing . Showering is dangerous as I am unsteady on my foot. A dentist was supposed to see me to look for a source of the infection? . That now has been called off pending more tests as has the chemotherapy ?. I can’y help but think of a coworker with cancer that was performing in a band with Randy Rampage (also a co-worker) on a Fri. night. Everyone said that he looked fine , next week he was dead. I know that it can happen fast and myself have experienced the daily , sometimes hourly turns. Mother nature continues to flex her muscles outside. One would barley stand up outside, the ocean is frothing and boiling. The sea lions and the fishes must be hanging on with their teeth. High tide is at 0300 , there is a wind warning . Sometimes debris gets thrown up over the bank within feet of my window. I do however enjoy ma nature showing off. Keeps us humble. I am trying to stay awake as much as possible as I get a feeling that my time could be near. I hope that I am wrong but it is no longer in my hands. I do end up passing out quite often both night and day. Bye for now . See ya on the other side,.

Waiting For the Sun

Mar. 10 / 10 0230 I would like to be selfish and not have to pretend that everything is alright with me so as to comfort others. This is my final time and I wish to be forthright in all my thoughts while I wait for my impending earthly departure. I get confused when people ask about my health. Although they might be concerned I am sure that they really do not want to hear the details , they are complicated and unpleasant. Most times I lie and say “good enough” and I know that it sounds hollow. I have yet to figure out a honest response that will not make other people uncomfortable.Lately being in and out to the hospital , DR visits , tests the regime of medications , the effects of the cancer and the complications of the infection ? have left me haggard. There is little time to think about anything else. Just getting through the day and night is a full time job. I am afraid of the time coming when I will no longer be able to to do this. I know that as soon as I have to have other people take care of me that the end is very close. Then wrong medications will be administered and the all important diet will be neglected. I am being treated for an infection right now. It is a life threatening condition. I am not sure If I have an infection or if the cancer has metastasized into my throat and ear canals. I have to take pain medication to eat . Without the pain medication eating fells like I am swallowing razor blades with toothache type pain in my ears. Any pains that I now feel are excruciating . I try to go outside for a bit . The air in the cold wind is painful on my skin. Laying down is painful. Brushing my teeth is painful. Drinking water is painful.Morphine does nothing for the pain but only makes me feel unwell , so I no longer take any. I am try to do everything that I can so as to be able to receive the next cycle of chemo this coming Tues. Not that I look forward to the chemo, with the delays the chemo loses it’s effectiveness . A to long of a delay and the chemo will have to be abandoned altogether , along with my goal of staying alive till summer. 0606 I would like to stay out of bed long enough this morning to watch the sun come up. The weather is inclement ,but even watching the day come into existence over the ocean makes me feel that I am here for another day. No matter what it brings I will get some pleasure out of it. 0630 Just had a strong cup of coffee laced with sugar , sunrise is at 0645 . My eyes should be open for it. Obviously the Song of the Day is going to be “Here Comes the Sun" BY The Beatles

A Shortened Stay

Mon. Mar.8 /10 0500 I was admitted into the emergency department at the hospital twice during the weekend. I have to go back today and for the next 3 days following that. It is possible that cancer has metastasised into my head or I have an infection. If the cancer hits my brain I should pack it in. I have seen what the cancer does to someone when it hit’s the brain. If I have an infection continuing on with chemotherapy is not possible . If I do not continue on with the present chemo drugs my the chances of further chemo are slim. It is my understanding that the cancer is not affected by or builds up a tolerance chemo during the cycles of chemo. More chemo at a later time could very well be improbable.The cancer I have is “extremely aggressive” and is growing. I find out tomorrow if the cancer has metastasized into my bones. This latest development has one way or the other considerably shortened the length of my stay on “death row” is again wracking my body with pain. I cannot sugar coat the fact that my death will be a horrible one. God nor anyone else sees fit for me to do some living in the time left or to die with some dignity. Still stroking but much slower and with much less enthusiasim. See ya on the other side.

Two Steps Back

Sat. Mar. 6 / 10 1600 Back to the emergency dept. Sun. Mar. 7 /10 God just will not cut me any slack. Despite all my precautions I seem to have managed to develop a very sore throat and pains in my ear canals. This may not be serious for a normal person but for me it is a life threatening situation. If I have to take any sort of antibiotic not only is the antibiotic life threatening but I will be unable to continue on with the chemotherapy which is a death sentence as the cancer is aggressive , growing and metastasising. The only precaution that I was unable take was to lauder my bedding and towels. I foolishly spent the generous funds that the Gov’t. provides me with on food and medicine. It is also dangerous to be out in public while I have no immunity to ward off infections. If this is where I developed the infection from I am probably will not be the first person to be killed because of their dirty laundry. I am ready to die , but it is rude that a person has to sit and rot like a death row prisoner. The death row prisoner however is not in physical pain and doesn’t have to live day by day worrying how he/she is going to survive .I do have to complement the Dr’s in this small town hospital. They attention to following proper protocols regarding the spread of infections has the big city hospitals beat all to hell. The treatment that I previously received at St, Pauls and Vancouver General was not only negligent but I would say criminal. A person should not have to spend their final time the way that I am now spending my time . Every time that I try to take a step forward I get knocked back two. Every single time ! I am not whining but after awhile one can get a bit angry. Bye for now. Beat ya to the other side . 0430
, I was in a city . I could look down at the ocean . There were people working in different situations and places. I could see and be at all these places at once. As one can do in dreams .The people and somehow the place was as aware of me . There was a feeling of comfort and friendliness. I was working but then my co-workers told me that it was my time to find something else. Other people working at other places , smiles on their faces , offered me tasty foods and herbs to sample. I was then walking along a street that overlooked the ocean. All the people and the buildings seemed to be open , safe and friendly. I was on the street , aware of all that was around me as can happen in dreams. A woman took my hand. I squeezed . She squeezed back. Comfortable feelings overwhelmed me. The feeling one gets when a trusting infant nestles in your arms and looks lovingly into to your eyes. That along with the sensation of a woman, close , resting her head on my shoulder but closer. Two bodies in one skin. Warm , safe and jubilant. We both trembled comfortably and looked down at the vastness of the ocean below. I woke . I was crying. I do not know why but I was.

Time is Short Life is Shorter

Sat. Mar. 6 /10 I read a book when I was quite young . There was a culture where people would try to excel in all aspects of life They would till the fields , build furniture etc. by day , study philosophy , science and art etc. in the evening. The completeness of this life style intrigued me. My concept of an educated person is someone that is proficient in whatever intellectual pursuit that they have chosen and that they can grasp other aspects of life as well as comprehend what other peoples lives are like. Specialization of knowledge I believe can leave one almost totally ignorant. The doctor that cannot empathise with his / her patient , the lawyer that wouldn’t know how to cook an egg etc. let alone grasp or care about their fellow mans situation. .People spend to much time grooming their lives and , in North America at least , accumulating toys. Little attention or care being paid to other people around themselves. Back to the book. The concept of a complete person moulded my way of thinking that every ones chosen path is as important as the next. The plumber is no less or more important than the doctor , the garbage man no less significant than the lawyer , the criminal no less a part of society than the Cop. I have found that if I take the time to extend some respect to another person no matter what their station in life that most of the time they react in kind . The notable exceptions to this have been drug addicts looking for a fix , the business man looking for a dollar, the politician looking for a vote or a cop looking for a arrest. I have witnessed all of the above willingness to be devoid of any sense of morality and honesty to get what they want. There is my thought for today. The Cancer . I had a rough night . I developed a sore throat and pains in my inner ears. Any infection at this time is a death sentence., I did have a bad feeling before starting chemotherapy this time . If I have to stop the sessions of chemo because of an infection the cancer will kill me in short order if the infection does not. The good side . The sore throat and pain in the ears is child’s play compared to the pain that I was experiencing before the first cycle of chemo. Fighting the pain and the cancer has been like playing a game of snakes and ladders for my life. Crawl up the ladder get my hopes up and then slide right back down. I get tired of fighting and facing each day trying to figure out how I am going to survive. The plus side is that yesterday I managed to get outside for awhile and snap some photos which are in this post. I do appreciate natures beauty and bask in her splendour whenever I can. I do not want to die today , but if that is what happens then so be it. Bye for now or I’ll see ya on the other side. Time is short and life

Time to Live

Fri. Mar. 5 / 10 0230 The cancer . I lay down and the cancer rattles and sings. I now know what the wheezing death rattle is .The strangest noises come out when the lung is slightly compressed and the tumours produce mocking whistling songs and rattles. I looked at the x-rays yesterday , reality rears its ugly head and I could see the metastasise of the cancer as it progresses throughout my lungs. Push , push and more push . The oncologist told me to take it easy but I find the only way to get some semblance of physical well being is to have 3 or 4 coffees , just keep moving and force myself to do some light exercises. Maybe it’s the endorphin s than kick in after awhile. I can usually push past the point of lethargy and take the sweet ride of feeling not to bad for a few hours. Sometimes I pay dearly for this if I push the activity too far. Then I am wracked in pain for a few days and have to start the regime of activity slowly again. Knock on wood, since the chemo stared most of the pains have subsided. I had forgotten what it feels like not to be in serious pain. Exercise is also the best way to relieve the depression that comes with a terminal disease. The depression. Imagine working on an assembly line every day. Performing a mind numbing task over and over again for over a year, being in physical discomfort all the time. All the time knowing, this is what you will be doing day in day out until you die. The job getting more difficult and painful as the days bring you closer to death. I am not complaining but being descriptive as I am asked what it feels like. I do manage to push past the depression each day for awhile. The razor blades have been kept in the drawer so far. Getting bald as a baby from the chemotherapy. I should be covered in oil and rolling around naked with a woman rather than dealing with Unions and bureaucrats in order to survive. Where there is life there is still the desire to do some living. My goal still is to stay alive into summer. I am not getting a positve feedback from the medical community. I have kept the reaper at bay twice as long as was expected. I know that my luck will run out soon but will continue to keep “stroking” and hope for the best. The fatigue is constant but since the chemo I am having difficulty passing out (sleep?). Maybe god is telling me not to waste time trying to rest. Man should exist to live . He/she should not just live to exist . Bye For Now or see ya on the other side .

2cnd Home

0500 Back to the hospital.

Early Morning Gift

Mar. 3 /10 0130 I was to uncomfortable to sleep. I got up , all the lights were turned off. I stopped by the kitchen sink and gazed out the window. If the window was a picture frame ,The luminescent almost full moon was framed in the top right side of the window. A reflective ray shone on the calm water from the mountains on the mainland straight towards my window , undulating gracefully like some shiny living thing dancing just for me. The discomfort that made me get up was compensated for by natures gift that was framed in the window. No camera or palette could capture the brightness or nuances of the colours. During the summer , the splendour of the myriad of early morning soft shades of blue on and around the ocean and mountains can make one cry. My immediate goal is to hang on to see this again. But if not that will have to be just fine. 0230 Everything is “push” now. It takes an hour or two and a pot of coffee to get moving. Many times my smiles are just pasted on my face for the benefit of others. Not to be phony but rather not make people feel uncomfortable. Since the first session of chemo the pains have subsided. (knock on wood) ! For that I am grateful. I am to uncomfortable to sleep ,so I just try to keep moving till I pass out. In the meantime while I am awake I do try to find some joy , and usually do. See ya on the other side .

Manksta

My “good time” has shifted. 0200 till 0900 seems to be the time of day/night that I feel almost among the living. I wake up at this time , and feel “fluish” and totally bagged but there is no falling back to sleep. Sleep , is a joke . By 0200 I think I have had enough of that other place called sleep. Since the chemo there has been no rest in sleep at all. Before I would at least get an hour or two within a 24 hr. period .“Monksta” I tried to look for the translation of this word from Lithuanian to English to no avail. I remember when I was young attending a basketball school/camp on the shores of Wasaga Beach on Nottawasaga Bay at the southern end of Georgian Bay. The instructor was apparently an NBA coach. Whether this was true , I do not know. Kids are almost as bad as adults at embellishing rumours . The only difference is that Kids really believe what they are saying but adults know that they are lying. The staff at the camp were Canadian/Lithuanians that had all experienced the horrors of the 2cnd World War in Eastern Europe. Needless to say there was a militaristic approach the running of the school/camp. Fresh faced kids aged 9 to 17 that the previous day were being spoiled by their Canadian/European mothers were now sleeping in military style barracks and being drilled most of the day past the point of exhaustion. “Monksta” ? The priest ( every military unit needs a Padre) , good humorously mind you, would come into the barracks , banging a pot with a wooden spoon yelling “Manksta” at the top of his lungs. We had 5 min. to get dressed and assemble in front of the barracks. The only way that you could stay in your bunk was if you were dead. I was 9 or 10 years old at the time. Then we would do calisthenic exercises and go for a 2 mile run , have breakfast ,a ½ hr rest , then a real 2hr workout running drills with military precision. We could then relax till lunchtime. A ½ hr after lunch I we would do it all over again. The only difference between the morning and afternoon session was that the afternoon drills were followed by an all out full court basketball game. My group was all of 9 to 11 years old. I wouldn’t have traded the whole experience for the world. When I now awaken exhausted , and probably depressed I recall the word “Mankstsa” and force myself to do some stretches and light exercise. The activity along with a couple of coffees can most of the time give me an hour or two of feeling not to bad. The flu like feeling is always there but the exercise and caffeine lessen the fatigue for a bit. The word “Manksta” and the memory of the experience the word evokes is what I use to motivate myself in the wee hours of the morning. I have always maintained that a persons habits and the foundations of his/her character is established by the time they reach the age of 14 to 17 years of age. Everything after that is fine tuning. I have been reading the bible and Fyodor Dostoyevsky’s “The House of the Dead”. The former seems like a good self-help book in the style of Napoleon Hill and Dale Carnegie for people living 2000 + years ago. The latter a book that Dostoyevsky wrote about his prison experience in Russia in the 1800’s. I am only a third of the way into Dostoyevsky’s book. Unless things start to go horribly wrong for poor Fyodor in later chapters of his book , I am going to have to surmise that prisoners in Russia’s 19th Century penal system were treated much more humanely than the treatment received by inmates in the present day Canadian penal system. The more I look back in history ,the more I am amazed at the fact that we have not evolved socially at all. We have scientifically progressed so much in the last 200 years but have regressed in the treatment of our fellow human beings. Human slavery is the worst that it has ever been in the history of the world . We use most of our resources on developing means to kill each other. We are far less civilized now than during any time in our past. Being close to dying I guess I just keep mulling over the spiritual side of life. I have not come across anything yet that has not been blatantly transparently false. Most religious people I find are self-serving . They are not trying to do good of their own accord but rather to please a God that promise them a reward later. Jesus , you sweet smart Jew. The teachings in the Bible and the Qur’an have been responsible for more human misery and bloodshed than the devil could have ever hoped to achieve on his own. I have however realized and experience that there is power in faith but I still doubt if faith and religion really have anything to do with each other. I do pray however , usually to say thank you . To whom I do not know . I only know that with all the worlds suffering and misgiving and my death sentence that I am grateful for the decency and beauty that I can still find. See ya on the other side.

Yesterday and Today

Mar. 1 /10 1216 It is still the same day as the previous post only a few hr’s later. Yesterday was a comparatively good day .Today is not a good day. Yesterday I could have done some living. Today is for suffering. Every time I feel a bit better I can not help to get my hopes up and that the next day may be the same or better. Every time I get my hopes up I get knocked back down. The cancer is spewing toxins into my system. Along with bouts of severe neuropathic pains I also feel like I have a poisoned soup coursing through my system. The best way I can explain the feeling to a healthy person is to imagine having a severe flu and then throw a hangover on top of it. That is a normal day , this is worse . The pain would be similar to to some one hitting your shins with a stick. If you were to look at me , I look more pissed off than sick. The discomfort makes it difficult to concentrate. I am not whining but trying to make a point with healthy people whom might be around the terminally ill. Like I said , I look more pissed off than sick.Healthy people take this look personally. My surliness is from the disease and not a reflection of my feeling towards the other person. On a good day for me I feel the same as a normal person would whom is to sick to go to work. Day after day and those days have been stacked up into month after months and now it is over 2 years. I get tired of it. Do not punish the sick for fighting and hanging on. Yesterday I could have done some living . Yesterday is gone . Maybe tomorrow if it comes. Hence the urgency that no one seems to comprehend. Hell or high water I am going to get some good out of ,or do some good today. I’ll take one or the other or both. See ya on the other side. It does feel better putting everything down so if anyone actually reads this stuff , Thank You.

First Thing

Mon. Mar. 1 /10 I am 14 days into 84 to 105 days of 4 or 5 sessions of chemotherapy. Then 3 to 5 weeks after that my immunity , my hair my bodies recovery to the susceptibility to bruising and bleeding should return. If the chemotherapy is not effective in killing some of the cancer I will be dead soon. In the meantime I am susceptible to infection from any bacteria foreign or my own. My body is also prone to bruising and bleeding. During the last sessions of chemo I would wake up and there would be bright red and blackening blood all around me. The largest tumour is near my spine and major blood vessels. If the blood vessels rupture I will probably drown in my own blood. I feel as if I am losing the use of my legs. If the tumour eats into my spine I will be instantly crippled. There could be cancer in my brain that they can not see. When the cancer metastasizes to my brain I could wake up with the loss of any or all of my bodily functions. I could become blind or deaf or paralysed or “all of the above” at anytime. My cancer face is starting to return. There is a look to the person with “the cancer”. The eyes start to sink into the head. The skin on the face is either sullen or puffy and looks unnatural. This is even prior to the “zek” like “concentration camp” appearance that come with the loss of hair. If the chemo is successful I might have a few months without severe symptoms from the cancer and have some relative comfort for a few months. I wish it wasn’t true but the reality is and the Dr’s concur that I will be dead soon. Some days death would be a blessing. All of this is always somewhere in terminally ill cancer patient mind every waking and sleeping moment. One struggles , fights and works 24/7 , sometimes for months to grasp for a few bits and pieces of fleeting normality. Day or night. I’ll take those fleeting moments whenever I can get them. Finally one achieves a few hrs a day that can be considered normal and that’s when one has to deal with other peoples denial and the way that your disease is affecting them.I am not whining , just making observations. Maybe it is impossible for healthy people to grasp the urgency of someone wanting grasp these brief moments and live a little. Things I do know , why dogs roll around stuff that stinks and that people will only be there for you if it does not affect their lifestyle or that they draw some sort of benefit from it. For myself it has been months and months and months of grabbing at periods of feeling okay . The only outside trips I make is to get poked and prodded , injected with chemicals although necessary make me live in hell for extended periods and to be reassured by the medical community (bless their souls cause they are good) that I will be dead soon and it ain’t going to be pretty. I have found that it is easier to be alone and face death than having to deal with the denial the inevitable tiring of people being around with someone dying . First comes the offers of help and it does come but if you hang on to long people get tiered I guess. Then comes the oh yea we’ll do that for you but soon there just empty words. Again I am not complaining just observing. Here comes the hardest part is when one has to ask for help .At first it is there , then it is promised and then not delivered and this repeats itself a few times and then one gives up asking at all. People have been kind and generous in but only R has really given without knowing whether or not there will be a return. As I said previously there are a lot of times ,and these times are quickly amalgamating into one, that my dignity is more precious to me than my life. Dam the bureaucracy that makes the dying wait, This is where my day begins. There you have it .Part of a dying mans rant. Gotta try to get into the positve now and see if I can wring some living out of this day. See ya on the other side. On the plus side , no major pain yet.